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#421 of 1038 Old 09-14-2008, 03:09 AM
 
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perhaps I should clarify: when i said some couples have a don't ask don't tell arrangement, I didn't mean that they go around behind each other's backs. both partners are aware of and in agreement with the situation, they just choose to keep their outside relationships private.
otherwise it would be cheating, IMO.
:

for a lot of people that is the only way they can "handle" it. to just know that something is going on, but they don't want details.

for the record, our family are all so open with each other, it's practically ridiculous but that was the best way for us all to "handle" things.

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#422 of 1038 Old 09-14-2008, 03:29 AM
 
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perhaps I should clarify: when i said some couples have a don't ask don't tell arrangement, I didn't mean that they go around behind each other's backs. both partners are aware of and in agreement with the situation, they just choose to keep their outside relationships private.
otherwise it would be cheating, IMO.
We have an understanding. BUT we haven't brought it up in years to really talk details. It's been in passing a joke here and there. I am merely assuming the same understanding still exist today. So, yes my SO and I need to talk. The talk will be scary for me b/c I'm very non-confrontational, meaning I don't want to bring anything up that has a potential for conflict.

How do you start - hey, hun, my df wants to come out for a visit, would you mind if he stays here? I am sure my SO won't say no. My ex bf from highschool spent a week w us once about 11 yrs ago. And my exbf and I went on a sight seeing trips together while he was there. My SO was not bothered in the least. I just wonder how far the conversation needs to go after that. And I need to know if SO feelings on my male friends has changed.

I had an opportunity to really talk to my df tonight. It was really nice and comforting and has made me very happy. It is so warming to my soul to know my df and I still connect. I long for his warm embrace, you can't help but look at him and want a deep embracing hug. I know my desire is not in a hot sex way at all, it is in an emotonally connected relationship way which really I think makes me poly. I love my SO and I love my df. NO talk of poly, etc. It's not the time yet. I need to ensure my SO is okay with my relationship with df.

I am hoping this is a safe place to work "me" out and share in my joys.

BTW - it must be in my blood. My mother's novel is multiple love (however deceitful) relationship of a woman w/ 2 husbands. I hope she finishes soon, I really want to read it. I have since she told me about her novel.

Adding - my SO comes home today and instead of being in a state of "sacrifice" and just merely accepting my lot, I am embracing happiness that I can justify both my loves. So, this is a good thing for my marriage. I can fully love my SO for who he is and know I can fully love my df for who he is without guilt. I'm so happy the last few days. I'm so glad I opened up a thread that lead me to polyamory.
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#423 of 1038 Old 09-14-2008, 09:05 PM
 
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#424 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 11:02 AM
 
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The short of the conversation about poly == I said to my SO last night I need someone to cuddle with (he is not the cuddle type), his response, "well, bring him on over". No one would understand that but you all here!

I am free :. I am free to engage in loving relationships. I've always known this. But now I don't have to "guess" we're still open. Like I said, we haven't discussed the topic in many years. It's been an understanding and he has been accepting of my male friendships. My SO has met my df even.

Now, I mentioned being free to my df. I didn't go into detail. I just said 'we're both free this time around'. I posted this AM on single dating cuz well it is like dating again and the traffic is heavier for a response. Plus I need to vent out my romance like a woman in love all over again and this seems more about the ins and outs of a poly life.

So, if my df opens the conversation to say how can I say I'm free, I have to be ready with a response. I'm ready. Take me or leave me, I love my df and I know he loves me, but can he accept I love more than 1?

It does not make me any less nervous. He may brush off what I wrote to him this morning and not probe. We both are in the process of many life decisions. I made the bulk of mine many months ago when I took on graduate school.

I took off my wedding ring before df contacted me recently. I took if off b/c I was not feeling connected to my SO. Let me just say the sex we've had lately has been hot! Maybe my friendship w df has been a good thing for my marriage as well. I love my SO despite his faults (we all have them). I accept my SO for who he is and isn't. I need my df's friendship to fill the void my SO leaves and my SO knows he isn't all to me. I still haven't put the ring back on though...

Maybe b/c I want to be without the symbol of married to 1. My previous siggy was Wife to 2. I did it to see if I was unrealistic, someone 1X approached me about it and I said it was there for shock factor. It was there b/c I know me better than I think.
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#425 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 11:58 AM
 
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mariposa! congrats. so amazing...your the second couple who have just "clicked" all the sudden and really wanted to do poly (and i'll admit i'm jealous cause i was at the forefront of "seeing" both couples "find" the word/meaning of poly). but you've put in alot of hard work and love into df so it certainly is gratifying. oooohhh ffun!

dh and i went to counseling: dh says no to poly and i really want it. the main question that stumped us was "if we go through extra counseling and try to work on "it" are we WILLING to take the chance that nothing is going to change" we both hesitated. i hesitated cause i wanted to make it clear that there is no way i can guarantee that counseling will put me into a mono mindset or make me happy to be mono. and thats what i keep coming back to. it seems like/feels like it was more addressed to working out MY problems and to help me be "mono"....although i know its NOT supposed to be that way its just my feelings. i'm just so confused.
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#426 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 12:25 PM
 
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your the second couple who have just "clicked" all the sudden and really wanted to do poly (and i'll admit i'm jealous cause i was at the forefront of "seeing" both couples "find" the word/meaning of poly). but you've put in alot of hard work and love into df so it certainly is gratifying. oooohhh ffun!

dh and i went to counseling: dh says no to poly and i really want it.
... it seems like/feels like it was more addressed to working out MY problems and to help me be "mono"....although i know its NOT supposed to be that way its just my feelings. i'm just so confused.
I'm sorry you want 1 thing and your dh wants another. You can't work poly out of you. That is like therapy to work gay out of you, we all know that does not work, right? You have a right to your feelings as does he. Is he not into it b/c he thinks he is expect to get another woman or is it b/c he can't share? He does not have to have someone just b/c you do.

I have to admit this was not "sudden", my SO and I have always agreed to allowing others into the relationship, albeit, more like accepting of affairs. Men usually want sex without commitment, I have always said just be safe in that quest. Recently I told him I want to know if he does, he said I thought you didn't want to know. I don't know if he will tell me. He was in the military and traveled a lot, he still does. Women want emotional over physical. My SO realized a long time ago he was not all to me emotionally.

My recent changes have been in 1) discovering there is a word for what I have always known via your other post about your question to answer and 2) my df contacting me for friendship and knowing the conversations were much more than friends. The longing to chat, the thinking about during the day, the looking forward to a message from, etc. If you look up affair, there is a webmd page (I think) that outlines what "might be an affair". Our friendship is just about every one of those! LOL and 3) wanting the love and affection of df without guilt and knowing it is within my reach finally!

A lot has led up to this as well. Too much to mention.

Now the other night I thought about having df's baby! It was just a fleeting romantic thought with no logic or reality behind it. I"m not really interested in sex, I do get enough. And besides 1) I'm done, 2) 900 miles means my poor df would be without all of his children. I could not do that to him, his wife is keeping the kids from him, 3) it would be a miracle if it did occur b/c he was nearly sterile with his wife, they have IVF kids (she is PCOS), it would be my luck to have a sterile man's baby as I get pregnant on bcp.
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#427 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 01:02 PM
 
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I'm sorry you want 1 thing and your dh wants another. You can't work poly out of you. That is like therapy to work gay out of you, we all know that does not work, right? You have a right to your feelings as does he. Is he not into it b/c he thinks he is expect to get another woman or is it b/c he can't share? He does not have to have someone just b/c you do.

I have to admit this was not "sudden", my SO and I have always agreed to allowing others into the relationship, albeit, more like accepting of affairs. Men usually want sex without commitment, I have always said just be safe in that quest. Recently I told him I want to know if he does, he said I thought you didn't want to know. I don't know if he will tell me. He was in the military and traveled a lot, he still does. Women want emotional over physical. My SO realized a long time ago he was not all to me emotionally.

My recent changes have been in 1) discovering there is a word for what I have always known via your other post about your question to answer and 2) my df contacting me for friendship and knowing the conversations were much more than friends. The longing to chat, the thinking about during the day, the looking forward to a message from, etc. If you look up affair, there is a webmd page (I think) that outlines what "might be an affair". Our friendship is just about every one of those! LOL and 3) wanting the love and affection of df without guilt and knowing it is within my reach finally!

A lot has led up to this as well. Too much to mention.

Now the other night I thought about having df's baby! It was just a fleeting romantic thought with no logic or reality behind it. I"m not really interested in sex, I do get enough. And besides 1) I'm done, 2) 900 miles means my poor df would be without all of his children. I could not do that to him, his wife is keeping the kids from him, 3) it would be a miracle if it did occur b/c he was nearly sterile with his wife, they have IVF kids (she is PCOS), it would be my luck to have a sterile man's baby as I get pregnant on bcp.
dh doesn't want to share me. he understands that he doesn't have to be poly but he also just isn't that type of guy. hes a one woman man. always has been. and actually that one woman has mostly been me (with like 2 exceptions). i'm really glad things have clicked for you. its MY dream!

i agree totally that poly can't be worked out of you. but i admit to myself there COULD be things that i need to work through. although i do try to phycoanalyze myself its hard. mostly it was whether the "us" time that dh and i have isn't enough, he is less emotional that i would like and that i need to also support myself (school, job etc) outside of the home could be my "reason" for thinking i am poly. now all those things are TRUE but i don't think i am trying to use poly to fill the void that those things make. i see those things as growing and learning about MYSELF and strengthening dh/me relationship. poly fills something ELSE (that i can't seem to explain very well) and it doesnt help to try and explain something i have never technically experienced! aaahhhh!

don't worry...i have little fantasies about having another mans baby as well...although i DO want to have more kids i also just know its a fantasy and that in all likelyhood i will never have another child.

if dh and i split (which neither of us want) i don't know what i am going to do. i've been spoiled into being a sahm and although everyone agrees its a hard hard job its all i've known. its like leaving your best job ever for something your not interested in. blech. plus i'll get double timed and not even HAVE the energy to date anymore! ahhh the catch 22's. and i know its horrible of me to be thinking all this while we both want to work this out. i want to try but i've just started to accept that unless a miracle happens we can't be happy with either married situation (poly OR mono). plus i have a lot of guilt that hes going to take the financial hit of alimony/child support and he's still technically supporting me dating other people!!! can't i just win the lottery?
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#428 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 01:05 PM
 
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dh doesn't want to share me. he understands that he doesn't have to be poly but he also just isn't that type of guy. hes a one woman man. always has been. and actually that one woman has mostly been me (with like 2 exceptions). i'm really glad things have clicked for you. its MY dream!

don't worry...i have little fantasies about having another mans baby as well...although i DO want to have more kids i also just know its a fantasy and that in all likelyhood i will never have another child.
Don't live with regrets! You may not forgive yourself for not having a child if that is your desire. I think from my experience I'd take 1 man and children than 2 men and no children. Just me...
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#429 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 03:14 PM
 
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#430 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 04:01 PM
 
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A little update- see how fast I can make it!

The girl I wrote about in March (update)- nothing.... She went to Africa then came back (she changed her trip from 17 months to 3 months for family reasons) I have talked to her once maybe twice and seriously for only 3 min. each time. So, NOTHING! She said she was trying to get a job in NYC- maybe she did, maybe not. I have not heard. I emailed her over the weekend and I think I will not hear back. Maybe she found some amazing single person without kids! lol.. Who knows, she will not say- maybe so she doesn't hurt me. But whatever- like I said I have heard nothing.

Onto other poly news- nothing.... Living in my town- although cute and charming is hard to do when you are poly or believe that poly is normal. I find conflict in myself often over my comfort level because of how I was raised and my thoughts of what normal is is clashing with my feelings- do you all get that?

Living in this town does NOT help. It seems so easy to just cross over to the bible study on wed. and the circle of people (most in my town) that only live by the word of the bible and if you are not following the books path you are not worthy. Oh if they really know the depths of me. But no one in this town does. I really hate living in such a shadow. I wish I felt more free to just try new things and not feel as if I would be black listed.

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#431 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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Don't live with regrets! You may not forgive yourself for not having a child if that is your desire. I think from my experience I'd take 1 man and children than 2 men and no children. Just me...
i know that if i don't have more kids i will regret it yes. BUT i also feel like at this point in my life i have to choose more kids OR poly. i can't have both. dh HAD conceded to have 1 more (i want 3 more) but in the light of his being a no way poly and me STILL wanting to have more kids...i just right now would rather give up on more kids and find other relationships. i hold a small hope that i will find someone whos poly AND wants to have more kids with me so at least that keeps me going.
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#432 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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i know that if i don't have more kids i will regret it yes. BUT i also feel like at this point in my life i have to choose more kids OR poly. i can't have both. dh HAD conceded to have 1 more (i want 3 more) but in the light of his being a no way poly and me STILL wanting to have more kids...i just right now would rather give up on more kids and find other relationships. i hold a small hope that i will find someone whos poly AND wants to have more kids with me so at least that keeps me going.
Am I confused? You have decided not to have more kids at this time- am I right? Your siggy says TTC. Am I lost

I wish you luck- not in a snarky way! In a "I REALLY : wish you the joy you are looking for!

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#433 of 1038 Old 09-16-2008, 05:32 PM
 
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Am I confused? You have decided not to have more kids at this time- am I right? Your siggy says TTC. Am I lost

I wish you luck- not in a snarky way! In a "I REALLY : wish you the joy you are looking for!
yeah not going to try...just haven't updated the sig.

thanks! i need all the good vibes i can get. things are starting to wear on me.
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#434 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 12:10 PM
 
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You can always have kid with dh and then move on. It's called biding time and self sacrifice. Something I am having to do, even if I do have a great friendship with a df.

There is definitely no posting of this else where on MDC. I just learned my lesson, I should have refrained, but foolish me did not.

I'm still deciding whether I want to be in my marriage. We have great sex, but other than that, it's empty feeling. I stay out of convenience and for the kids, but on the other hand, I do love my SO even if he isn't the greatest.

I accept I'm confused. I am sort of relieved my df didn't reply to my stating I'm free. I am free, but I don't know how "free" I really want to be. Does that make sense?

OIY...
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#435 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 12:50 PM
 
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You can always have kid with dh and then move on. It's called biding time and self sacrifice. Something I am having to do, even if I do have a great friendship with a df.

There is definitely no posting of this else where on MDC. I just learned my lesson, I should have refrained, but foolish me did not.

I'm still deciding whether I want to be in my marriage. We have great sex, but other than that, it's empty feeling. I stay out of convenience and for the kids, but on the other hand, I do love my SO even if he isn't the greatest.

I accept I'm confused. I am sort of relieved my df didn't reply to my stating I'm free. I am free, but I don't know how "free" I really want to be. Does that make sense?

OIY...
well dh doesn't really want another kid. he conceded to have another because i really wanted it. a rocky relationship and the fact that i will most likely move on isnt a good thing to bring a child into unless we both WANT the baby. thanks for the encourgement though!
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#436 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 02:00 PM
 
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New update from me - it's been a while, hasn't it?

Anyway, XGF is still on the scene, coming to my house once a week to se DH & the kids, and basically "play house". We came to an agreement that it would be impossible to patch up our friendship, so we just ignore each other for the most part. She comes over on my "night out".

More excitingly, though....I have a new man!! Well, he's not exactly *mine*....I only see him very occasionally at Dagorhir events, and when I can manage to get time and a ride down to where he lives (which has happened only once so far.) But he's single (and very contentedly so - he doesn't like having someone else around all the time), an excellent musician, my age (almost exactly), and a very laid-back, whatever-you-like kind of person. PERFECT for me. Someone with no expectations, but with companionship to offer when he can. We talk nearly every day (well, message, really - but that's better than actually talking for a couple of hard-of-hearing busy people who are on the computer all day for work anyway ), which is nice for me...and for him, I think. It's good to have someone there to mention dumb thoughts to at random, yk?
One of the girls that knows both of us pretty well said that I'm perfect for him, too - I can offer female attention, a bit of physical affection, occasional companionship...but I'm not going to get in his way or demand that he change himself in any way. I don't feel the need to, 'cause he's not really mine

I'll be seeing him in a week and a half, and I can't wait!! My only fear is that DH is going to cramp things a bit for us - it's a big group campout, and I'm tenting with DH the first night and DF the next two nights....but DF is a bit wierded out by DH being there. Imagining DH bursting into his tent in the middle of the night in a jealous rage, I'm sure It should be OK, though.

So anyway, yeah. Long distance friendship with benefits Suits me very well....other than getting to miss him terribly if I go longer than a couple of weeks without seeing him!
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#437 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 03:34 PM
 
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New update from me - it's been a while, hasn't it?

Anyway, XGF is still on the scene, coming to my house once a week to se DH & the kids, and basically "play house". We came to an agreement that it would be impossible to patch up our friendship, so we just ignore each other for the most part. She comes over on my "night out".

More excitingly, though....I have a new man!! Well, he's not exactly *mine*....I only see him very occasionally at Dagorhir events, and when I can manage to get time and a ride down to where he lives (which has happened only once so far.) But he's single (and very contentedly so - he doesn't like having someone else around all the time), an excellent musician, my age (almost exactly), and a very laid-back, whatever-you-like kind of person. PERFECT for me. Someone with no expectations, but with companionship to offer when he can. We talk nearly every day (well, message, really - but that's better than actually talking for a couple of hard-of-hearing busy people who are on the computer all day for work anyway ), which is nice for me...and for him, I think. It's good to have someone there to mention dumb thoughts to at random, yk?
One of the girls that knows both of us pretty well said that I'm perfect for him, too - I can offer female attention, a bit of physical affection, occasional companionship...but I'm not going to get in his way or demand that he change himself in any way. I don't feel the need to, 'cause he's not really mine

I'll be seeing him in a week and a half, and I can't wait!! My only fear is that DH is going to cramp things a bit for us - it's a big group campout, and I'm tenting with DH the first night and DF the next two nights....but DF is a bit wierded out by DH being there. Imagining DH bursting into his tent in the middle of the night in a jealous rage, I'm sure It should be OK, though.

So anyway, yeah. Long distance friendship with benefits Suits me very well....other than getting to miss him terribly if I go longer than a couple of weeks without seeing him!
yay! happy for you! great that you found someone to fit you so well. :

can i do a survey? i was recently asked "what do you want out of a poly relationship" and although i "feel" what i want i just can't put it into words. can everyone here put there (realistic) wants into words? and i mean everything from sex x times a week/month, to x conversations or even if you want live in or live out etc. what do you want to satisfy and what would you say if this were on an essay questionare type thing.

sorry if thats confusing. i have not had many friends let alone ever MET someone whos poly so i am trying to see how others define themselves....alot of times i think i am being really selfish and stupid. TIA!

oh and menhdi that sounds like something i would like too! you go girl!
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#438 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 03:47 PM
 
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I never know what I want until I meet the person I want Because it really is different for each different person.

This time, I don't expect much. I want a "how are you doing" at least every 3rd day, a promise of seeing him sometime in the near future (even if plans have to be broken), and good music when we're together. Spending time together making things is good (we both sew, do leatherwork, and construct foam-padded weapons), and I insist on sleeping with him, whether sex is a possibility or not, because he's a big snuggly guy who looks cute when he's sleeping. And he doesn't snore Sex is good because I want him, but if I were limited to just kissing, I could probably handle that.
That's about it. I *LIKE* to hear from him daily, to have him talk about what we'll do next time we're together, and mushy stuff like that...but I don't expect it or need it.
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#439 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 04:57 PM
 
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can i do a survey? i was recently asked "what do you want out of a poly relationship" and although i "feel" what i want i just can't put it into words. can everyone here put there (realistic) wants into words? and i mean everything from sex x times a week/month, to x conversations or even if you want live in or live out etc. what do you want to satisfy and what would you say if this were on an essay questionare type thing.
Hmm... it might have even been me who asked that question. I've been with my DH for 16 years and we've been open to poly for 11 years.

Right now, what I want from my poly marriage is the ability to talk about other people of both genders being attractive, tease DH when he gets that "ooo!" look in his eyes at an attractive person. I want to be able to spend more time alone, more time with nature, and make more decisions about home decor (he's traditionally done most of that). I want DH to take primary care of the kids more often, cuddle more often, watch TV with me, talk more, approach me sexually more gradually, and come home on time from work and poly events. I do not want to deal with "New Relationship Energy" or starry-eyed-ness and I do not want to receive less time and attention right now.

(You can probably tell from that that I don't want a poly partner besides DH right now, but I do want support for focusing on other personal and spiritual goals. I have deep concerns about him starting any new relationships right now or getting more deeply into existing ones because I know how that affects his mood, his time, and his behavior toward me, the house, and the kids.)

Now, that said, at other points what I've wanted has been to date other couples together, to have hot wild sex with a friend or two, to travel with our girlfriend, to be given space and time to myself via DH starting a new relationship, to be an advisor and support person while DH worked on a new relationship, to have him act as an advisor and support person while I worked on a new relationship...

People want different things from poly at different points, so just the broad concept of "accepting your partner is poly" could mean that they want to have a threesome including you, or it could mean that they want to have a relationship with someone else while you hang out with friends once a week, or it could mean they want to live with someone else 2-3 days a week, or complete freedom to have sex with, date, and spend the night with, anyone you like on any night you like, or many many other things. It's more manageable if you're trying to nail down what exactly each person wants, and make it more specific what the goals are that you're compromising for or working toward.

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#440 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 08:08 PM
 
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What I want changes with relationship, time, space, etc.

RIGHT NOW, I want DP1's OSO to move back to California with her DD and spend more time with our family, but that's a really really long and complicated story...
RIGHT NOW, I want DP2 and I to make it through this winter without breaking up like we did last year so we can have our commitment ceremony in the Spring.
RIGHT NOW, I want my 3-parent family to get better at saving and improving our collective credit so we can buy land within 2 years.
RIGHT NOW, I am aching to TTC with DP2 but I am really trying to wait until after our commitment ceremony.
RIGHT NOW, I'd also like it if DP2 got to experience an outside relationship, but he doesn't really ID as poly and the only women he's had any real interest in are in a polyfamily who we are extremely close friends with and we have decided that none of us will date any of them in order to preserve friendships (although I think we all wouldn't mind an occasional orgiastic fling... the fantasy is fun at least ;> ).

That about sums up what I want from my poly relationships.

Hey, does anyone want to be part of a poly study on relationships? My DP1 sent this link to me: http://research1.psych.utah.edu/study/polyamory/

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#441 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 09:28 PM
 
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can i do a survey? i was recently asked "what do you want out of a poly relationship" and although i "feel" what i want i just can't put it into words. can everyone here put there (realistic) wants into words? and i mean everything from sex x times a week/month, to x conversations or even if you want live in or live out etc. what do you want to satisfy and what would you say if this were on an essay questionare type thing.
In the long-term, I'd like other lovers to join our family unit (probably men, but I'm open-minded .) I think that what I want is called a polypod.

Short term, I need a hell of a lot more sex than I have and I'd really like a stable place to live. In other words, while it's very important and fun to think about, other things are definately taking priority over polyamory these days.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#442 of 1038 Old 09-17-2008, 10:02 PM
 
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can i do a survey? i was recently asked "what do you want out of a poly relationship" and although i "feel" what i want i just can't put it into words. can everyone here put there (realistic) wants into words? and i mean everything from sex x times a week/month, to x conversations or even if you want live in or live out etc. what do you want to satisfy and what would you say if this were on an essay questionare type thing.
I'm looking for community, a group of friends. I don't necessarily need them to move into my home, but my long-term goal does involve some kind of intentional community/ compound/ farm kind of living situation. Everybody gets their own small cottage or yurt kind of thing. I find a lot of appeal in the idea of moving out of my house and into a small apartment or something, and still being in a committed relationship with my dp. In the short term, I want a second male partner (my new boy situation is currently complicated, love him to pieces but he's a fool for love) who can bring passionate love into my life...passion is not in my dp's nature, though I love him for other qualities. I would like him to have another female partner to love, or for him to be able to date around a bit. Doesn't have to be the HBB, I don't need for us to share partners, though I'm not opposed to the idea. I want more loving adults in my children's lives, people to cook for, to go out dancing with...committed, loving, trustworthy partners. Ahem.
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#443 of 1038 Old 09-18-2008, 11:04 AM
 
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I'm looking for community, a group of friends. I don't necessarily need them to move into my home, but my long-term goal does involve some kind of intentional community/ compound/ farm kind of living situation. Everybody gets their own small cottage or yurt kind of thing. .
I too LOVE this idea. This is my dream. Does this really happen? If it does please tell me where it is. We live in SC and do not want to uproot our kids again anytime soon. But if we could find something like that that we could plan on doing in the next couple of years, we would totally do it.

nurse, mama, doula-in-training to J-14, J-13, S-7, S-4, and P-2(born at home)
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#444 of 1038 Old 09-18-2008, 11:30 AM
 
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Sounds kinda like the Ravenheart clan, which shrinks and grows.

I mean, I love the idea of an intentional community but it would have to be built up by a core that I really really trust. Because relationships tend to ebb and flow too much in my experience to have folk living in close proximity.

My ideal poly configuration is a network, which I guess is what I have. We are primary partners, but also part of a network of partners and lovers. Some folk have primary partners as well as several secondaries. A lot of our friendship and romantic relationships blend into one another. We've been poly for over a decade, able to connect with the local community. We are also extremely open. So anyone who knows us well know that two my best friends are my DP's former lovers.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#445 of 1038 Old 09-18-2008, 12:42 PM
 
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HI all

I have been wondering something lately, because of a lot of other stuff going on in my life that I won't go into here, and wanted to see if anyone else has ever had this thought.

I have never felt like monogamy was the ideal... that it was actually setting everyone up for failure because it's just not natural. But I have tried to live a mono life up to now.

I was thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind that I wonder if my desire for a poly "lifestyle" (sorry if that's a bad word to use, I can't think of a better one at the moment) is a self-protection thing. I mean, maybe I want to have a primary partner and the ability to have secondaries as a protection against putting all of my emotional eggs into one basket?? Am I just afraid of committing to one person? Is my desire for poly really a "symptom" of my dysfunction?

I don't think it is... part of what is confusing me at the moment is that my dh is totally and completely 100% unavailable emotionally. We have no emotional, spiritual, physical or mental connection at all. I'm STARVING for that connection. I wonder if I *got* that with someone, if I'd be content to be mono... I just can't imagine ONE person being able to do all of that... I mean, that just seems like a lot of stuff for one person and a lot of responsibility. KWIM?

So... what do you think? If it helps, what I really want is a primary relationship with the ability to openly pursue other relationships (with either gender) if/when I connect with someone. That just seems so natural and "normal" to me.
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#446 of 1038 Old 09-18-2008, 02:20 PM
 
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Given the prevalence of affairs and divorce, I think you're right in saying that it isn't really "natural" to expect one person to fill all of those needs for you. Many people do it, and some do it very well (and they are likely those who are "naturally monogomous"), but the rest of us struggle along until we realize that we don't need to struggle so hard.

I certainly don't get all of my emotional needs filled by my husband. When I tried to do that, I was miserable!
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#447 of 1038 Old 09-18-2008, 10:25 PM
 
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I was thinking about it and the thought crossed my mind that I wonder if my desire for a poly "lifestyle" (sorry if that's a bad word to use, I can't think of a better one at the moment) is a self-protection thing. I mean, maybe I want to have a primary partner and the ability to have secondaries as a protection against putting all of my emotional eggs into one basket?? Am I just afraid of committing to one person? Is my desire for poly really a "symptom" of my dysfunction?
I don't know, honey, I wonder the same thing myself. But...in my case I know I love my dp and I want to spend at least another decade with him, raising the kids together and stuff. I don't like absolute words like "forever" but it could happen. He's my best friend. But, he's not particularly emotional either, or spiritual. We don't have passion. We have friendship and excellent communication, but he's very logical and calculating, and not intuitive or emotional at all. He's very vanilla, not playful, and not at all impulsive most of the time. So I find myself looking for somewhat irresponsible, passionate, playful partners who want to go out dancing with me, who like to dress up in fun costumes, who don't really care what time we get home or whether we've got a place to sleep or just end up crashing in the car or staying up all night...and this isn't what I'd want from my one and only partner, but it gives me something I need.

It's nice to have other people around for the kids, too. More adults to interact with them, people who play different games. It's fun for me to have people I can just hang out with, without all of the domestic responsibilities and struggles. It's nice to not feel obligated to see somebody every day, too.
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#448 of 1038 Old 09-18-2008, 10:50 PM
 
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I too LOVE this idea. This is my dream. Does this really happen? If it does please tell me where it is. We live in SC and do not want to uproot our kids again anytime soon. But if we could find something like that that we could plan on doing in the next couple of years, we would totally do it.
That's our dream too! I think there are a lot of people with this dream, actually. It's just so hard to know where to begin to make it all happen.

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#449 of 1038 Old 09-19-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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THere is a new co-housing community being built in Crozet, VA (close to Charlottesville) and if you google co-housing, there's websites, etc. devoted to the nuts and bolts of how to start one
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#450 of 1038 Old 09-22-2008, 10:13 PM
 
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I'm looking for community, a group of friends. I don't necessarily need them to move into my home, but my long-term goal does involve some kind of intentional community/ compound/ farm kind of living situation. Everybody gets their own small cottage or yurt kind of thing.

and....



I want more loving adults in my children's lives, people to cook for, to go out dancing with...committed, loving, trustworthy partners.Ahem.
I could have wrote that! Maybe some of us MDC mamas need to compound it up with our families! I often think about rural areas (like where I life) that have trees, water, cheap land.... :

I know that "the farm" is not a poly style living community but how the heck did they get that many people to live like that?

Off to read info suggested by Sisyphus

[B][I]~Ang~ Mom to 2 sport-head crazy girls: Rainey and Breeze  and my little lost love- @18 weeks with gestational age of 7 weeks
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