Poly Families - Page 17 - Mothering Forums
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#481 of 1038 Old 10-08-2008, 05:41 AM
 
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mhallwell,
all i can say is lots of open communication.

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#482 of 1038 Old 10-23-2008, 06:33 PM
 
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Hey fellow poly parents. My family is having problems. Please see my post here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=987579. I'm hurting, I need advice.

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#483 of 1038 Old 10-24-2008, 03:23 PM
 
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MamaRhi, I hope things work out for you. I feel like this is just a bump in the road; maybe a hard bump, but I think you'll all work through it.

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself though this stuff - the poly lifestyle seems like so much more WORK some days - although the rewards are also great. I guess it's similar to parenting in that regard. Some days it seems like all this emotional STUFF is coming up, and I feel like I should be done with it... and, as a close friend said, "The Universe Laughed."

For those who are in live-in triads (or more-ads)... I'm wondering how you broached the idea with your spouse/SO (if applicable.) I think that, deep in my heart, my ideal situation would be to have a household with both DH and DP (boyfriend). And DP has been hinting at it.

I know it's too soon, we've really only been dating for 4 months (although we flirted for a year before that.) But the idea is alive and well in my fantasy world. And maybe it's something we will have to discuss for a looong time before making it happen.

I guess I'm worried that if I bring it up with DH, he'll flat-out say no.

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#484 of 1038 Old 10-25-2008, 03:47 AM
 
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mamarhi, i really feel for you.
was it not just a few weeks ago i was celebrating a new level of commitment in our relationship? *briefly scrolls up to check*... GF was talking about making a life commitment, ways to become more of a 'thrid parent' to dd, rather than a friendly grown-up, etc etc. we were all 3 of us blissfull and in love, and talking. i should mention all this talk of commitment was on GF's part. I've been pretty aware of her coming into our marriage, and being a traveller and all. She brought these things up.

so, yeah. she broke up with us. via email :
She decided to go home to England to visit her family, and 'finish up' her life over there (she's been here with us for about a year, and away from home for 2 years), and bring her stuff over here to live permanently.
so we drove her to the airport, kissed her goodbye, and thought she was coming home in a few weeks. she even left a huge box of crap in stroage at our house (which is just 200sq ft, so not really space for storing stuff). then, a week later, sent an email saying that she just wants to be friends, and wont be coming back to live with us.

WTF?

ok,i'm a bit hurt, but she could have told me to my face. she made it clear she was already thinking about it when she was here, just didn't tell us. but even still, we have skype, she could have phoned to tell us! who breaks up via email!? after an 8 mo serious relationship?

:

So... i'm getting over it, but still feeling a little fragile.

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#485 of 1038 Old 10-25-2008, 03:51 AM
 
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that's just an ouch all around, MJ.
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#486 of 1038 Old 10-25-2008, 03:57 AM
 
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thanks heket. *sniff*

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#487 of 1038 Old 10-25-2008, 10:01 PM
 
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mamarhi and majikfaerie... all i can offer is

we are still having some issues with our extended polyfamily as well, but i don't feel like getting into it all right now. i just have to have faith that it will work out the way it's meant to.

"give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" - tori amos
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#488 of 1038 Old 10-26-2008, 01:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

For those who are in live-in triads (or more-ads)... I'm wondering how you broached the idea with your spouse/SO (if applicable.) I think that, deep in my heart, my ideal situation would be to have a household with both DH and DP (boyfriend). And DP has been hinting at it.

I know it's too soon, we've really only been dating for 4 months (although we flirted for a year before that.) But the idea is alive and well in my fantasy world. And maybe it's something we will have to discuss for a looong time before making it happen.

I guess I'm worried that if I bring it up with DH, he'll flat-out say no.
Four months is DEFINITELY too soon. The fairy dust of a new relationship doesn't even start to wear off until around 6 months, and then it takes another 6 months to really know someone. Hubby and I agreed we wouldn't make any major life decisions about anyone until a year had passed. We made it to 11... (but 4 months is really, really too soon). Oh, and majikfaerie's post above is another reason to wait. :-/

If it is really the right thing to do, it will still be the right thing to do 6 months from now. I suppose if you feel you must talk about it, you could discuss the year-long timeline like we did, just to feel things out.

Hugs,

Juliette
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#489 of 1038 Old 10-26-2008, 02:38 PM
 
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Lots of love and hugs MamaRhi and majikfaerie.
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#490 of 1038 Old 10-26-2008, 10:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ktylove View Post
but 4 months is really, really too soon). Oh, and majikfaerie's post above is another reason to wait. :-/
totally seconding that!
we started getting serious at 8mo and killed the relationship. though i guess that was a good thing. the age difference wasn't working. but we were jumping in a bit fast mostly because of (ex)gf's need for a green card (well, the aussie equivalent), and dp and i planning to buy some land and start a community.

oh and thanks for the hugs. I feel like I'm over it, but i'm still not sleeping.

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#491 of 1038 Old 10-27-2008, 02:20 PM
 
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I know, I know... I guess that spending two weeks 'living with' both of them on vacation just spoiled me. And I'm not sure if I should start to try to warm DH up to the idea. Probably not, he's not ready for that. I think I may have been unclear though - I wasn't suggesting we would actually move to a live-in situation now, I'm thinking maybe in a year or so.

Majikfaerie, that totally sucks. But I guess in the long run it might be better this way. I mean, if somebody's immature enough to dump you via email, who knows what kind of damage she could have done if she had stuck around!

MamaRhi, I'm happy to hear that things are going better for you. It's funny how I get discouraged whenever I hear about a polyfamily having trouble.

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#492 of 1038 Old 10-27-2008, 08:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
It's funny how I get discouraged whenever I hear about a polyfamily having trouble.
for a little perspective, go lurk around parents as partners and see how much trouble straight mono families have

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#493 of 1038 Old 10-28-2008, 01:26 AM
 
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Oh gosh, yeah mono families have loads of problems too!

majikfaerie: many hugs to you, take care of yourselves in her absence and know you're better off without her!

Thank you everyone for your well-wishes. I'm so glad things are going better here. Not only that but this other guy I've been talking to very casually has become an interest. I saw him today and realized that we were both feeling the "I like you" energy. Immediately told my other DPs about it and have gotten a response much like the one my own head gave me: "Cool, but be careful!" So not great timing but I think we'll be ok. Guy #3's life sort of forces the slow path right now. But DP2 and I are going to go see his band play this week. Should be interesting.

In my life, it never fails: when it rains, it pours...

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#494 of 1038 Old 10-28-2008, 01:53 AM
 
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is there anyone here who would like to talk via pm? i am poly (never actually practiced) and dh is mono. we are living in seperate places right now but are trying the counseling route to try and see if he can deal with me being with other men. i kissed another guy (affair type; didn't talk/tell dh) and still have feelings for this person. i would like to have a conversation with someone who has been in this situation before and see how things progressed/turned out for them. i did NOT know i was poly before we married so it wasn't a "take me as i am" thing and them him backing out. i discovered this about 6 months ago but we have not attacked it until now...that i've messed up.

TIA
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#495 of 1038 Old 10-28-2008, 05:54 AM
 
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you can pm me if you like.

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#496 of 1038 Old 10-29-2008, 09:36 PM
 
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hello i am interested in talking to some like minded people.DH and I have been discussing a polyamorous relationship.And both are really open to it.Something we want to pursue with the right woman.I just was wondering if anyone is open to answering questions I have.Or would just share their story?
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#497 of 1038 Old 10-29-2008, 09:39 PM
 
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welcome fairymom


I think if you read back through the thread you'll find a lot of people's stories and probably have a few of your questions answered along the way too. (I know, it's a lot of pages, but worthwhile )

that said, ask away!

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#498 of 1038 Old 10-29-2008, 10:04 PM
 
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I've read through some of the pages (all seems sooo daunting).I guess right now I have a very specfic question: What we are looking for is a woman to bring into our lives and for us both to have an loving and intamite relationship with.Is this cosidered polyamory?
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#499 of 1038 Old 10-30-2008, 07:59 AM
 
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that is exactly considered polyamory

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#500 of 1038 Old 10-30-2008, 08:55 AM
 
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I've read through some of the pages (all seems sooo daunting).I guess right now I have a very specfic question: What we are looking for is a woman to bring into our lives and for us both to have an loving and intamite relationship with.Is this cosidered polyamory?
It is considered polyamory. It is also considered "the search for the mythical unicorn" in poly circles, because it's extremely difficult (although not impossible). Keep in mind you are trying to find a woman who:
  • Is sexually and romantically attracted to you
  • is sexually and romantically attracted to your spouse
  • You are sexually and romantically attracted to her
  • Your spouse is sexually and romantically attracted to her
  • And I assume wants kids and/or likes your kids?

Everyone remember how hard it is to find one compatible partner for one person, sans kids?

Many poly people recommend that couples looking to open up their marriage go further and be open to either of you finding a partner and not requiring that person to be a woman or to meet both of your needs all at once. For example, my husband found a lovely girlfriend who is just a friend to me - but we are delighted, living together, and having a child together. If I had insisted that the woman be my romantic partner as well, we wouldn't be here today.

That said, you are not alone in your search and there ARE some success stories out there. Just want to give you a little reality check as you go into it. You might find support in the polyamory LiveJournal which has thousands of members, some of which are in your situation.

EDIT: on second thought, I don't know - sometimes they hit "mythical unicorn searchers" pretty hard - they might not be all that supportive. Unfortunately, many people have had the idea you have, and the reality turned out to be very different and difficult. I don't want to discourage you, just share what I've seen over the years in terms of the situation.

Cheers,

Juliette
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#501 of 1038 Old 10-30-2008, 08:59 AM
 
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Dhinderliter, you might enjoy the mono-poly LiveJournal: http://community.livejournal.com/mon...ofile?ver=2008 (no, I don't work for LJ, I'm a member and I see lots of people like you on there)
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#502 of 1038 Old 10-30-2008, 10:31 AM
 
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Thank you Ktylove.You answered my question perfectly.I had the opportunity for a "mythical unicorn" situation in a pervious relationship, but at the time was not all that open to it.I think mostly because I did not feel that secure in my relationship with SO at the time.With my DH now it's completely different.I realize this may be hard to find but we're pretty set with it.I am not attracted to other guys at this point and DH wouldn't be comfortable with it.And I think I would honestly have a hard time with her not responding to me,say if he and her were solely together.We want to share the love we have for each other with another.In your opinion is it odd for who we seek to have a close bond/loving relationship with me and just be comfortable with DH and they be friends?
I'm sorry I sound nieve but am really new and the type of person who likes to have information.We have discussed the possibility of never finding "her" and we are fine with that.It wouldn't be determental to the relationship.
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#503 of 1038 Old 10-30-2008, 10:58 AM
 
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I live in CT and have been able to attend poly events in both NYC & Boston, so have seen all sorts of healthy, long-term poly relationship in all sorts of variations.

Personally, DP & I are comfortable with a more network type configuration and have yet to find a person that we both "click" with at same time, but that is fine. I've met 2 of my best friends through him (former girlfriends).

Yes, I aggree with ktylove, there are going to be folk in some on-line communities that are going to laugh at or deride your search for that mythical HBB (hot bi babe) that is going to fall madly in love with an established couple with it's own history/language/etc, but it does happen. Usually more by accident then by any search.

My suggestion is meeting other poly folk and try for friendships not relationships. Then letting things unfold as it happens. You didn't find DH on first try, how would you find DW on first try? Okay off my soapbox and back to work.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#504 of 1038 Old 11-04-2008, 07:32 PM
 
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Well, I have bad news. My DP2 is leaving. We talked and talked and he decided that family life just isn't for him and while he loves me and the kids, this doesn't feel like the right path for him. He's moving out of the house after a year and a half of living with us. I have no idea how to talk to the kids about this yet...

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#505 of 1038 Old 11-04-2008, 11:47 PM
 
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mamarhi

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#506 of 1038 Old 11-05-2008, 01:24 AM
 
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Rhi, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how much you must be hurting right now.

Jen, L&D RN, CBE, CLEC who loves to knit.gif! I adore my modifiedartist.gifDP, treehugger.gifDD 10/98, & sweet new babygirl.gif5/10!!!
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#507 of 1038 Old 11-05-2008, 12:29 PM
 
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I am so sorry.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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#508 of 1038 Old 11-05-2008, 05:36 PM
 
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We just got back from our first vacation as two families together...me, DH and baby, GF, GF's husband and their two children.

I am feeling so grateful that our families get along, that we both have partners who support our relationship with one another and that our respective DHs enjoy each others company.
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#509 of 1038 Old 11-05-2008, 10:27 PM
 
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wonderful erikag! :

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#510 of 1038 Old 11-12-2008, 10:03 PM
 
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MamaRhi, sorry to hear about your DP leaving...

Myself, I've been in a 'mood' lately. Not sure if it's babylust (I'm newly an auntie! yay!) or what... DH has been acting kind of possessive of me when DBF is around, and I don't like it at all. Talking with DH is just getting me the response that this is all "weird" and that I'm stressing him out.

I guess I was spoiled by our vacation with the 3 of us all together... I want things to be more like that, but I'm being pushed more towards a one-at-a-time thing. We went out of town last weekend and it was like neither one of them would approach if I was with the other one... I ended up feeling like a rubber ball bouncing back and forth the whole time we were at the party we went to.

Sigh. Oh well. Headed to yoga, hopefully that will help. Although I will likely end up crying on my mat like the last two classes.

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