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#1 of 109 Old 07-31-2006, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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With so many expectant parents on the Queer Parenting board, it might be fun to get a thread going to talk about our experiences waiting for our babies. We're 12 weeks pregnant today. My partner Julieanne is carrying, but sometimes I almost forget that technically I am not pregnant. Somebody please tell me they know what I mean!

Name(s): Susan and Julieanne
EDD: 2/12/07
Baby #: 1
Your biggest issue or concern right now: Finding a midwife, second parent adoption

Who else is out there? :

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#2 of 109 Old 07-31-2006, 11:51 AM
 
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Hey!

Name(s): Jen & Danielle
EDD: 9/12/06
Baby #: 2 (I carried the first baby and Danielle is carrying this one)
Your biggest issue right now: Waiting... we're at 34 weeks and we're eager to meet this little guy. Feels like we've been waiting for quite some time now. There are lots of other issues right now too.... like where to deliver him, readying our 2 year old daugher, etc, but... really, we're pretty preoccupied with how much longer it will be until he's ready to be born.
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#3 of 109 Old 07-31-2006, 07:49 PM
 
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bother it, feel sad I can't be on this thread
i miss being pregnant, good luck to you all
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#4 of 109 Old 07-31-2006, 10:25 PM
 
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Hello!

We're Erin and Paige, due 9/10 with our first.
My biggest concern: I'm really miserable being pregnant and just trying to hang in there. I'm pretty sure Paige would say she's miserable w/ me being pregnant too!

We're lucky in that 2nd parent adoption is really easy where we live. I'm grateful for that. Is it hard in Illinois?

Still haven't figured out how to do the smilies in the signature,
Erin
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#5 of 109 Old 07-31-2006, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone!

Erin, I'm hoping the process will be easier rather than harder. My biggest concern right now is whether we'll have to get a home study done; my impression is that the judge can choose to waive the requirement for a home study, and that judges in Illinois usually do this for straight, married stepparents. If we have to have one, we'll deal, but I would much rather avoid having someone in to evaluate us! One thing we're concerned about is how a social worker might react to a homebirth. I know homebirth's not illegal, but that doesn't mean I want to give them any excuse for a negative finding.

What is the process like in your area?

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#6 of 109 Old 08-01-2006, 08:42 AM
 
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Franny here, just 8 weeks but my belly already is sticking out. (Of course, it might have been sticking out just a little before I ever got pregnant.)

We're not due until March but I've already had two sonograms, probably because of my age. I love my ob/gyn and so far everything is going swimmingly.

My partner just had neck surgery, so now we argue about who can carry the trash out and walk the dogs - I usually win and get to do the chores, but a little more carefully. I'm still doing a regular yoga class and trying to stay moderately active, but last night after our walk I laid across the bed to rest and woke up ten hours later. Apparently this little speck is wearing me out more than I'd like to admit.
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#7 of 109 Old 08-01-2006, 09:18 AM
 
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EDD: 10/10/07
Baby #: 1
Your biggest issue or concern right now: Dealing with nausea and fatigue all day and trying to work when I can.

Not much else going on. Just trying to get through the crappy first trimester.

Susan if you have a homestudy and they don't ask about location of the birth, I wouldn't say anything. If they do I would have some materials on the safety, legality, etc. of homebirth all ready and available. Good luck! Luckily here there is no homestudy requirement.
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#8 of 109 Old 08-01-2006, 03:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Franny, Julieanne was so tired for the first several weeks, but that definitely let up around week eleven! There's light at the end of the tunnel!

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#9 of 109 Old 08-02-2006, 08:26 AM
 
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I'm Zora - I'm about 7 weeks pg and 38 yrs old. My situation is a little different than some listed here. We used a known donor who will be an active dad in the kids life. My partner never imagined that she would be a parents, so she is a little scared! In the end, I think she will be fine!

PixelDust- I'm in Logan Square, where are you guys?
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#10 of 109 Old 08-02-2006, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We're in Rantoul, about two hours south of Chicago (I think). I'm not that familiar with the city, but my partner is from the suburbs. Where is Logan Square?

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#11 of 109 Old 08-03-2006, 01:18 AM
 
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Wahoo, I go away for awhile and a whole bunch of IL queer mama's show up I lived in Logan Square until four years ago (its a neighborhood on the NW side of Chicago)! My sis still lives there. We're not PG yet (maybe??? : ), but we are TTC #2 and It's my turn, if my body ever decides to cooperate:
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#12 of 109 Old 08-03-2006, 01:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PixelDust
Hi everyone!

Erin, I'm hoping the process will be easier rather than harder. My biggest concern right now is whether we'll have to get a home study done; my impression is that the judge can choose to waive the requirement for a home study, and that judges in Illinois usually do this for straight, married stepparents. If we have to have one, we'll deal, but I would much rather avoid having someone in to evaluate us! One thing we're concerned about is how a social worker might react to a homebirth. I know homebirth's not illegal, but that doesn't mean I want to give them any excuse for a negative finding.

What is the process like in your area?
We did 2nd parent in IL, and did have a homestudy. The issue of where/how dd was born never came up. Basically the social worker looked around the house(and our house is very unfancy ), and chatted with us a couple of times. We did have a room set up for dd even though we coslept most of the time, just because we knew it was something a SW would look for. We filed in Cook county, which helped things go smoothly. My understanding is that people in Dupage county are discuaged from filing there due to homphobia.We had a very good lawyer who did our 2nd parent, (and did one for some friends of ours too) which helped things go smoothly.
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#13 of 109 Old 08-03-2006, 01:43 AM
 
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Hello!

My partner and i found out today that we are pregnant.... finally!

It has taken us forever to conceive. We are 4 weeks today. I am a little nervous that we will stay pregnant, but....

Susan, i can totally relate to the way you are feeling. My partner is carrying and i feel totally excited, but not pregnant myself.

Our estimated due date is April 11th, i think. We got pregnant thru IVF, so the due date isnt clear. Who cares really... im just so happy to be in this stage of the process.

We live in Evanston Illinois. Are there any other Chicago girls out there?

Paula
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#14 of 109 Old 08-03-2006, 02:17 AM
 
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Can I hang out? Technically bisexual, I suppose, but I identify as lesbian, married to a man, having our second baby this October (we're very complicated -- or strange -- people).

mama to Max (2/02) and Sophie (10/06); wife to my fabulous girl
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#15 of 109 Old 08-03-2006, 09:36 AM
 
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Name(s): Lex (and Lena)
EDD: 11/13/06
Baby #: 3 (I also carried our twins who are now 3.5)
Your biggest issue right now: I'm not sure. . . I'm at the "blissful" stage, so no complaints about the pregnancy (though I was terribly sick for the first 20 weeks, so I'm not one of those blissful-the-whole-time mamas). This babe is very active, and I'm really enjoying him these days. I guess I'm most concerned about what life will be like post-birth since dw is starting grad. school this fall, won't have any maternity leave, and we have two other kids too. : I realized this morning for the first time that we'll have three kids under age 4, which just seems totally crazy!! (Not sure why it took me this long to have that realization, lol). But, for the most part, I'm enjoying a low-anxiety, happily pregnant, HOT summer!

My dw is definitely NOT feeling like she is sort-of pregnant too. Now that my belly is so hard to miss, she doesn't actually forget that I'm pregnant anymore, but it definitely doesn't seem to be high on the list of things she's thinking about. I think this is just a second-time-around thing in that it's not as exciting, and we have the other kids to be majorly distracting us. She does try to get some snuggle time in with the kicking belly every so often, but this experience is definitely more mine than shared. She was basically the same way last time I was pregnant (though perhaps a little more giddy with anticipation), but as soon as our boys were actually born she became SUPER MAMA! I feel like the actual mothering part came much more easily to her than it did to me. I think it's just not totally real to her until the baby is on the outside.

We are in the process of doing the second-parent adoption of our older boys right now (finally after 3.5 years. . . ). We live in MA, and second-parent adoption for gay/lesbian families is very easy here. But we did have a homestudy done last summer because we became foster parents. The homestudy was not a scary experience at all. It was actually kinda fun (of course, it's more exciting when you're having one for a reason other than adopting your own kids). The social worker visited a few times and we discussed our entire life histories, and that was it. There were no questions about where our kids were born or even any of our ideas about western medicine (i.e. vax, antibiotics, etc.). So, I wouldn't be worried about that part if I were you.

Congratulations to all the newly pregnant mamas! Looking forward to sharing this journey with you!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#16 of 109 Old 08-03-2006, 10:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamimapster
We did have a room set up for dd even though we coslept most of the time, just because we knew it was something a SW would look for.

Did you all set up a crib? We aren't planning to get one, but if we need to for the HS, I think we'll try to find something cheap or borrowed.

I'm so glad this thread is taking off! And what the heck is up with all the Illinois folks? Something in the water?

Zora, I think your situation sounds nice. Years ago, before my partner and I met, I actually asked my best friend (gay male) to donate for me, and left it up to him what role he wanted. It didn't work out, but I can definitely understand the appeal.

Anyway, congratulations to everyone!

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#17 of 109 Old 08-03-2006, 11:58 AM
 
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When we had our daughter and were going through second parent adoption, we really didn't have any money at all were living in a very junky 1-bedroom apartment. We were cosleeping at the time, but we set up a pack-n-play next to the bed for the homestudy. The SW didn't ask a thing about it. Ended up that we were much more worried about it than we needed to be. We were living in PA at the time, and have since moved to CA, so hopefully it will be even easier this time around.
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#18 of 109 Old 08-04-2006, 09:45 PM
 
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This is our first baby, so I only know about the adoption process 2nd-hand, but it sounds like it's pretty much a rubber-stamp kind of thing here in Seattle. A home study is required, but our lawyer always uses the same social workers and the same judge, and hasn't had problems. We thought we'd schedule the home study for soon after the baby is born, so we can blame the mess and chaos on being new parents!

We plan on co-sleeping, and I hadn't thought how that would look. We have a pack-n-play for when we take the baby to work, so thanks for that idea westchestermom. (Hey, you're in my DDC!)

Zora, we also used a known donor. We inseminated at home, so have to do some extra legal steps for him to give up his parental rights. He plans to be active in our child's life. I trust him a lot, or wouldn't have been able to go this route. (I'm also 38, and my DP is 43 - here's to older moms!)

Congratulations to all of you who are newly pregnant!

Erin, due 9/10
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#19 of 109 Old 08-04-2006, 11:00 PM
 
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: waiting to join you guys, hopefully in about 10 days...
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#20 of 109 Old 08-05-2006, 11:44 AM
 
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fourpawsmom-first of all congradulations!! Wow you have a little over a month to go. How are you doing? If I might ask, what kind of birth do you hope to have (e.g. hosptial, home, birthing center...). You are correct our situations are very similiar except, in my case, the donar is not giving up his rights.

I realize that I am in an interesting situation, one that I imagine is shared by many...my partner and the donor are very "here and now" people and do not spend a lot of time in the future. I, on the other hand, do spend a lot of time in my head preparing for the future. So timming conversations with them is a "fun". Timming conversations about the future and the kid is intersting, I do it to early, they either look at me blankly or try to have a coversation while feeling overhwhelmed. I am really tring to respect our differences. Anyway, does any one else have this issue with their partner or parenting configuration?

Sorry this was so long winded.
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#21 of 109 Old 08-09-2006, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Checking in! How's everyone feeling? What things are you doing to prepare for your babe?

We bought a changing table/dresser combo last week and are waiting for it to come in. We entered the second trimester (wow!), so I feel like it's okay to start getting things set up, and now that we're really starting to accumulate baby stuff, we need the storage space!

Julieanne is feeling better, with the exception of some round ligament pains. Our next big milestone will be a 16-week ultrasound; we're hoping to find out the sex of the baby. :

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#22 of 109 Old 08-09-2006, 01:20 PM
 
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I just read a book to my honey called "the other mother" written by the same author who wrote the hillarious "Buying Dad" I think some of you may like it.

I am carring our baby. I love the emotional and spiritual aspects of being pregnant but I am physically not grooving on this. I have had a lot of illness. I still puke and I am almost 24 weeks. I have severe siatica and a whole list of other stuff. I'll stop complaining now.

DP and I are ofcourse the only lesbians in our Bradley class. We know all the answers to all the questions and have read more than anyone else. We also had the easiest time getting pregnant. Isn't that funny - us with no sperm in the relationship got pregnant and knew we were pregnant that soonest.

Most folks are really excited we are pregnant. We are planning a home water birth and have an awesome birth team assembled.

I have PCOS (and so does my partner) and I did a lot of study on the subject before getting pregnant. I am sure the research and path I took to get pregnant and stay pregnant are a result of all that research. So if anyone has questions about that, I may be able to point you in the right direction.

Cheers to all,
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#23 of 109 Old 08-09-2006, 05:51 PM
 
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Franny here, I feel fine. I'm at 10 weeks, hurled just once so far. I can relate to Magic Denise on being highly informed, I think I've read more about childbirth and being pregnant than all of my greatgrandmothers, grandmothers, mom and sisters combined!

I had my third ultrasound today, not sure why I've had so many. This one was over the belly so the picture wasn't so great, but I sure love hearing that heartbeat!
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#24 of 109 Old 08-09-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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Hello,
I'm about 8 weeks preg. My first midwife's appointment is this week. I'm looking forward to it. I am feeling sick all the time and frequently very tired, but I'm taking this as a good sign-- things are happening. My girl friend is being very attentive- which is nice.

I find myself doing a lot of reading and thinking about what it would be like to have a boy or a girl. I can't wiat to meet the baby!!

Zora
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#25 of 109 Old 08-15-2006, 02:03 PM
 
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maxmama, PM'ed you. (Sorry to intrude, ladies -- happy gestating, or co-gestating! )

Oye Yemaya oloto
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#26 of 109 Old 08-16-2006, 05:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magic Denise
I just read a book to my honey called "the other mother" written by the same author who wrote the hillarious "Buying Dad" I think some of you may like it.
I read some snippets of this, but what I read (definitely not enough to judge by) felt really skewed towards the situation where the bio mother doesn't really want to have another real "mother" in the family. Were there also stories from the perspective of couples who did not have this particular problem? I'm also somewhat curious how common that viewpoint really is.

It seems clear from the editor's language in the intro (such as referring to a stay at home non-bio mom as raising another woman's child) that at least the editor, if not the contributors, don't view both mothers as mothers at all. I can think of a few different types of families where that makes sense, if the non-bio mom doesn't really self-identify as a mother, for example, but the general assumption that there can only be one mother, and that a second parent claiming the title of mother somehow detracts from the first parent's motherhood strikes me as really heterosexist, and just generally squikks me out.

I'm not trying to bash the book or the editor, especially since I haven't read all of it. I just want to know more about the overall tone before I buy it or read it. And I have to admit, before I picked it up, I never would have imagined that there were bio-moms who felt that way, so it's always good to get a new perspective.
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#27 of 109 Old 08-17-2006, 08:43 PM
 
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julieanne, I own the book, if it's the same one, called Confessions of the Other Mother. I bought it expecting to read positive stories about life as the other mother, but found it to be very negative, overall. There were some positive stories, but the majority had more negative aspects than positive aspects.
I think it was helpful to read overall because it made me aware of some negative things that may affect us, but I wish I had known ahead of time that it was not going to be an easy read about the joys of other motherhood.
We are friendly with two other couples planning to start TTC in the coming year and I've told both couples to steer clear of the book. Perhaps I took it too seriously or took too much of it to heart, but I bought it right after we decided to say YES to TTC after years of talking about children, so it brought me down off my possible-mom high really quickly. There are so many things to be anxious about when you are TTC and this book only made me more anxious.
Just thought I'd add my two cents.
Meredith

Mama (non-bio) to REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifmy little man (6), and mama (bio) to babyboy.gif my tiny man (2/14)
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#28 of 109 Old 08-18-2006, 10:31 AM
 
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Thanks for your response Meredith. That was precisely what I was worried about. I'm sorry it killed your buzz.
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#29 of 109 Old 08-20-2006, 01:01 PM
 
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Name(s): Megan and Sacha
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Baby #: 1
Your biggest issue or concern right now: Finding a midwife, worrying about the baby sticking, making some house modifications and cleaning out junk to make room in our house. It took us 8 cycles to conceive, so mostly we're just delighted to have made it this far, with you all.

I recognize many of you from The One Thread. Good to see you here!

We're planning on having our birth in a birth center that is attached to a hospital, with a certified nurse midwife and a doula. We're very excited, a bit scared about all the lies ahead as parents and just trying to get through the first trimester. It's so scary hearing about so many miscarriages...especially the missed miscarriages.

I've read the book you've been talking about and also felt that I didn't relate to it very well. Most of the couples seemed to fit a very heterosexual model where one was the stay at home bio mom and the other supported the family and struggled with what their role was. I, like Susan, feel very much attuned to the pregnancy, and feel almost as if I am pregnant myself. I identify as mom, not dad or something else.

Sacha's been feeling ok...certainly not terrible but not herself either. What she's struggled with the most is bad bloat and fatigue. The naseau seems to be picking up a bit, but still isn't out of control (which of course makes us worry).

Zora
, we also used a known donor to conceive, but he will relinquish his parental rights. We will keep him active in our child's life though and will have the role of an Uncle. How did your first midwife's appt go?

Paula, looks like we're due around the same time...how fun!

Erin, we're also in Seattle! We don't know any other couples in Seattle who used a KD. Who is your lawyer? Ours is Lisa Schuchman. I'm a bit anxious about the adoption and when he will sign off on his rights, etc, so I'd love any stories/advice you can share.

Megan-39, Postpartum Doula, DW to Sacha-40 (18 years together) and Mama to Finn Alexander born 4/2/07 and Zivia Littlewood born 8/23/10

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#30 of 109 Old 08-20-2006, 04:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Congratulations and welcome, Megan and Sacha!

I'm glad to hear I'm we're not the only ones who didn't care for The Other Mother. When someone (either the editor or one of the authors) referred to a non-bio SAHM as "raising another woman's child", I almost fell out. I don't expect that kind of thing from lesbians.

Julieanne never had that much nausea, either. Her biggest issue in the first trimester was fatigue, and that let up at around twelve weeks.

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