lesbians and boys - Mothering Forums
Queer Parenting > lesbians and boys
seraf's Avatar seraf 02:06 PM 03-26-2003
our baby came on st. patrick's day. when he came out i briefly thought i'd had a cat. he weighed 8 lb 6 oz. 20 1/2 inches long. head full of hair. you can see a picture at http://www.geocities.com/sachfo/newbaby.html

anyway. i wasn't so surprized about having a boy as i was about people's reaction to him. i keep meeting women who despise little boys b/c they will grow into men. he's a week old! tehy're already telling me how lazy he is. is this comon? why would anyone tell new parents that their child is defective b/c of his gender? i would have been prepared for sexism against a girl, but this outright confused me and in my shock, i didn't stand up for him and i feel horrible about it.

so i don't know if i've got a question or just looking for some wisdom from some of you.


mirlee's Avatar mirlee 02:21 PM 03-26-2003

The world is full of mean stupid people.

I wouldn't put much stock in what they say. I know it must hurt when they say those things. Especially to a wholly innocent new little being. All he knows is that when he is hungry he eats, when he is tired sleeps and when he wants more attention he pukes on you.

Not all boys and men are bad. Hey, there are women out there who are worse.

You are going to raise a wonderful little guy, teach him good values, and make sure he is loved, healthy and happy. I wouldn't let other people's ignorance or bias get you down.

I saw the pic of your little boy, he is gorgeous. Oh, and btw, you looked amazing as a pg woman. Congratulations!
Kelly71's Avatar Kelly71 02:45 PM 03-26-2003
Congratulations! He is BEAUTIFUL! Mean people suck! Enjoy your boy!
lexbeach's Avatar lexbeach 07:13 PM 03-26-2003
I was wondering if you'd had that baby yet! Hooray! He certainly is beautiful. Thankfully, I haven't gotten any mean comments from lesbians (or anyone) about our boys. . . but a lot of people have a lot to say about lesbians raising sons! They just don't see how two women can raise two boys. I don't get it at all. The men I know with lesbian mothers (okay, so there are only two of them) are some of the most wonderful, fabulous, great men I've ever met. That would drive me nuts if our lesbian friends were giving Luke or Jazz a hard time about being future men. So, no advice really, but I feel for you.

I hope everything else is going well with the little one. Enjoy your babymoon!

Lucky Charm's Avatar Lucky Charm 08:49 PM 03-26-2003
Your son is gorgeous!

I have 2 boys, love em, love em, love em, but i havent ever had anyone say anything like what has been said to you. I have a girl also, and love her to pieces!

people can be real jerks, forget them, ok?
musikat's Avatar musikat 02:35 AM 03-27-2003
I have never gotten any comments like that, specifically about my son, but I DID get a lot of comments before he was born about parenting in general. Mostly it was of the variety that it's too much work, they'd rather be "aunts," why would anyone want to carry around all the stuff you need for babies, etc. Almost all these comments came from lesbians. And ALL of them said "it's going to change your life" in a sort of just you wait way. Anyway, since he has been born, those who are supportive are still in our lives, those who made those types of comments are mostly not.

My advice, don't listen! If people feel that way they probably won't want to spend too much time around you and your son.

On a funny side note, My doctor once called my son a "lazy baby," so I referred to him myself that way in the beginning. The reason was how he breastfed. He didn't want to work for it. I don't know if that's a "male" thing necessarily, though. But you never know

Congratulations on your son!
max_4477's Avatar max_4477 11:51 AM 03-27-2003

First off, congratulations! What a beautiful baby!

Now, on to the question at hand. I have a boy too. I know a few really anti-male lesbians in the area and while that always annoyed me, I really just make no effort whatsoever too see them now. I don't want them saying negative things about men to my baby! (What's weird is that one of them has an adult son who is wonderful!)

If they do say something around me now, though, I plan to confront them by asking them not to say negative things about men - or any class of people - aound my son.

madison's Avatar madison 11:31 PM 03-27-2003
Seraf!!! Congratulations!!! Your son is adorable, what a beautiful pink little cherub

As to the nasty boy comments - a bigot is a bigot is a bigot! Good grief, how can you say *anything* about a person who is only a week old ~ they need to get a life!!! Ignore them. People will tell you all sorts of stupid things. Water off a duck's back, baby! Just because they are lesbians or gay men saying these things, doesn't mean they are more "enlightened" than anyone else necessarily ~ just because a lesbian has been the victim of male privledge, heterosexism and doesn't give her the right to bash ALL men, either, especially an innocent boy baby.

I'm sure you'll raise your boy to be a loving, wonderful man

Congratulations again!

mama2girls's Avatar mama2girls 11:44 PM 03-27-2003
Ok, might be out of place here, but I saw the thread, read your post, checked out the web page and here's my $.02"

He is BEAUTIFUL!! You and Jen are obviously smitten with each other, so therefore he will be raised in a loving home. I LOVE the idea of both of you bfing. (some days I wish my dh produced milk, too :LOL). In other words--don't take it from me, look at your partnership and your parenting decisions, he will be so loved and so happy.
Pynki's Avatar Pynki 12:46 AM 03-28-2003
My mother is like this.. She totally hates men and denegrates men in front of my 10 yr old little brother and my sons on occassionn..

I don't know how she can say she loves him, or our boys, and hate what they are goinng to grow up to be...

I say donn't worry about it.. People who say these things aren't coming from places of love.. You can't change them, you can only limit your (and your ds ) time with them...

Enoy your baby..

Warm Squishy Feelings...


lilyka's Avatar lilyka 04:37 AM 03-28-2003
I don't have anything to add to the topic at hand except for that I am sorry people are being so cruel. he is baby for crying out loud.

What I really wanted to say though is he has got to be one of the cutest babies i have ever seen

edited because nanies is not a word. I really need to learn to proofread:
LunaMom's Avatar LunaMom 12:19 PM 03-28-2003
Congratulations, and what a cutie pie! He's just precious!

People are idiots! Angry people will say the cruelest things, because they can't deal with anyone's happiness. Your son will surely grow up into a wonderful man because he is LOVED!!! Next time, try looking at the person with a slightly perplexed smile on your face and saying, "What? I'm sorry, I was distracted for a moment, can you repeat that please?" I've found that most people, when asked to repeat something horrible, are too embarrassed to be such a jerk TWICE...
tara's Avatar tara 02:46 PM 03-28-2003
I like LunaMom's advice!!

Congrats! Your baby is gorgeous. And, if you ask me, the world needs a generation of men raised by lesbians!! It's not like we can have a world without men, you know? So why not concentrate on raising wonderful, thoughtful, kind men? Poo on anybody who would judge your beautiful babe! Poo poo poo!
seraf's Avatar seraf 01:52 PM 03-30-2003
oops, my title was mileading. they were straight women, as far as i know, who were extremely rude. i'm not very aticulate all of a sudden.

the things you all said were so nice i started crying.

besides those few random strangers, most ppl have been wonderfully suportive (i havne't left the house since we got the birth certificate, everyone else who meets him loves him already)

so not to change the subject, has anyone been to michigan women's festival? with a son? i've never been but jen has several times and she's wanted to go this year since way before we got pregnant. all i've ever heard about it is it's gender policies, so i just wondered has anyone else had experince with the festival? i'm sure it's all good, i'm just feeling very protective.

thanks, seraf
lilyka's Avatar lilyka 03:00 PM 03-30-2003
I serious doubt they would object to a baby just because he is a boy. I say find out what thier polocies on infants ingeneral are and go with them.
max_4477's Avatar max_4477 12:02 PM 04-01-2003
As I understand it there's an age limit on boys - like 10 or something. I'm fairly sure an infant is fine. HOWEVER I would be wary of letting him out of your sight - a boy was sexually assaulted in "childcare" at a supposedly radical feminist women-only conferrence a few years back in the Bay Area. Most people would never do that of course, but still it seemed like he was targeted b/c he was a boy so just a heads up. It really rocked the NW punk/radical women's community for a while there.
chfriend's Avatar chfriend 10:43 PM 04-01-2003
Here's the link with info about children/childcare at Michigan. http://www.michfest.com/Info/site.htm

Looks like boy babies are allowed in the main Festival area until 5 years old. (There's a whole lot of info at this link).

I didn't know the gender of my little one until after the birth. (Straight) people asked all the time which gender I wanted. I found the question odd...I ended up telling them it was a question of Tide and Cheer. Both good brands that get the clothes clean, and I'd be just as happy with either.

I hope you're enjoying getting to know your new little one!!
Amazlilith's Avatar Amazlilith 04:40 AM 04-02-2003
He is absolutely wonderful!

There are always going to be those individual in our lives (straight or gay) that are going to be absolutely clueless. I am so sorry if for a moment someone had to disturb your babymoon time.

There is a book that my partner and I read before we started our family that you might like. It's call "Lesbians Raising Sons". It's mostly short stories. Some of the stories are not light reading but on the whole it's a wonderful book.

And again congratulation to you and Jen....What a lucky family you are to have eachother!

Elliesmama's Avatar Elliesmama 04:02 PM 04-03-2003
Hey seraf-- Congratulations and thanks for posting on this issue. I've been meaning to post along these lines, but what with work, pregnancy and a toddler, I haven't gotten around to it.

My issue initally was will I be able to love my new baby boy (due June 23rd) like I love my 2.5 year old girl???? What I have found out is that almost all mom's (straight or lesbian) go through feelings of "can I love a second like the first?"no matter the sex of their children. So, I started not to feel so bad or like I was this huge sexist pig.

What has been annoying is the reaction I have gotten from so many people that 2 women are not really adequate to raise a boy and that we will certainly need lots of male help with this (but not our daughter??).

A friend told me that somone asked her how her dp and her were going to be able to teach their son to use the toilet!?!?! I have to say I thought that was pretty hilarious, I mean you are focused on raising this human being and somone wonders "yeah, but can you teach him to stand up and pee?"

Quigley's Avatar Quigley 02:39 PM 04-04-2003
First off, Congratulations. He really is beautiful, and I think most newborns are a bit funny looking. (my own included!)

We have received similiar comments, but about our daughter. As in "What are you two going to do with a GIRL? I can help you with bows and dresses, etc." We have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 3 week old girl.

I'll admit that I thought she would be a girl, and it took me about 6 months to deal with the fact that our son would not be getting a brother! I always wanted 3 boys, and feel bad that he might end up being the only male in a house full of women. Time will only tell about that......

Just enjoy and do the best you can. People feel the need to comment just to fill the space with noise. I'm not sure they've really thought of what they are saying..

Again, Congratulations.
Rachel Fox's Avatar Rachel Fox 02:58 PM 04-04-2003
the world needs a generation of men raised by lesbians!!

ha ha! i agree!

beautiful baby!
mplsmom's Avatar mplsmom 10:30 PM 04-04-2003
Nice job on that cute baby!!!!!
People do say stupid things, and many of the straight women I know hate men. As Lesbians with children we have such a great chance to change the world with the people that we raise. Try to find a group of queers raising kids, we have one, and it helps very much!!!!
DP has been going to Michigan for 20 years, I have gone for 7, and Elin will be going for her third time. We have a great time!!! Boys are allowed on the land untill their fifth birthday, then they can spend time on the land at the Brother Sun campground. I know many mothers of sons that take their boys to Michigan, and love it!!
The policy is that the festival is for women born women, and their is lots of debate about the policy. However, a women's gender is not questioned on the land, and one sees a huge range of women there.
If you have more questions, you can PM me, and I would be happy to answer them.
PS are the Momazons still around??

seraf's Avatar seraf 12:17 PM 04-06-2003
i just wanted to say thanks, again. i'm not really gone, i have mastitis and i've just been healing for the last few days.

i have a lot of comments, but this has been my longest stretch upright in days.
geekmom's Avatar geekmom 11:26 PM 04-09-2003
I'm a lesbian mom of 4 boys in lesbianville! People often ask if all my kids are boys (my 2 year old has long hair and looks like a girl), when I say yes they just pause. I then take over and say how much I love having boys. Sometimes people will ask if I want girls and I say, maybe in the future. I'm a foster parent and would love to take in teenage girls when I have a bedroom available. I have to say, generally, I don't miss anything in having all boys. I just still want more kids.

Boys absolutely can be raised wonderfully. Many of the things that straight women, in particular, dislike about men are not things that are innate to men, but are the way that society pushes men. Read "Real Boys." It's very helpful.
mamarosa's Avatar mamarosa 07:34 PM 04-24-2003
The problem with this kind of talk, especially when it is done in front of boys who can understand is, it is a self fulfilling prophesy. The boys grow up feeling unloved, unappretiated, and learn to mistrust and resent women. I am sure you two would never do this, I was more referring to the poster who said her mother talks that way about/ toher son and grandsons.

My only advise would be to try to keep that energy out of your life.