Stupid ? re: being bi - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 80 Old 08-22-2006, 05:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel that this may be perceived as a really dumb question(s), but I also figure that if anyone can help me figure this out, it would be the mamas here.

What defines someone as bi? Can you be bi even if you've never "consumated" a relationship? Are serious crushes & fantasies enough?

DH & I were having a conversation the other night and these ?s came up.
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#2 of 80 Old 08-22-2006, 08:23 PM
 
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I don't see why not. Aren't heteosexual virgins still heterosexual?

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#3 of 80 Old 08-22-2006, 09:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, what an obvious answer . . . I never even thought of that Seems silly that I had to ask the question now.

Thanks!
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#4 of 80 Old 08-22-2006, 09:38 PM
 
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I saw this in "New Posts" and thought I'd post my perspective, hoping not to offend.

I see sexuality and sexual/affectional orientation as a lot of continuums.

I have been attracted to many, many women on many different levels - intellectual, sexual, spiritual, etc., but I'm married to a man and monogamous.

I've met many people who also identify themselves as bi because even though they've primarily had only same-sex romantic relationships, they are sometimes attracted to members of the opposite sex.

I think sexual behavior is only a small piece of how bisexuality can be fined. IMO, someone can certainly consider themselves bisexual, but remain single and celibate.
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#5 of 80 Old 08-22-2006, 10:12 PM
 
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right now, i define myself as a lesbian but it's not really that important to me. one day, i may find myself madly attracted to men - i'm open to the possibility but at this point in my life, i doubt it will happen.

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#6 of 80 Old 08-23-2006, 12:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've always thought that everyone is really bi, just that the spectrum from hetero to homo is large and we all fall somewhere in between. I don't think that anyone is totally and truly hetero or homo. Just my opinion.

When DH & I were talking, there were a couple of other people present and they alluded to the fact that they thought DH was gay when they first met him. I joked that a lot of people think I'm a lesbian, so maybe we are and just have a "marriage of convenience." I said this knowing that DH is bi and just happens to be monogamous with me. I've always considered myself bi as well, according to my sliding scale.

These friends were rather shocked that I would suggest such a thing when I explained my theory. I just think that if you have serious crushes on someone of the same sex, even if you don't follow through, is enough to consider yourself bi. I think they were offended, thinking that I was suggesting something about them--as if it would bother me

I think that your point, arboriamoon, is a great way to explain it. Much clearer than the way I tried.
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#7 of 80 Old 08-23-2006, 12:40 PM
 
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Sexual orientation is independent from sexual behavior. Like the pp wrote, virgins still have an orientation.

And I know this isn't what the thread's supposed to be about, but there are plenty of people who say they are completely straight or gay/lesbian, and I trust them to know.

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#8 of 80 Old 08-23-2006, 12:45 PM
 
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And I know this isn't what the thread's supposed to be about, but there are plenty of people who say they are completely straight or gay/lesbian, and I trust them to know.
That would be me. And thanks.
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#9 of 80 Old 08-23-2006, 10:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by vamp127
I've always thought that everyone is really bi, just that the spectrum from hetero to homo is large and we all fall somewhere in between. I don't think that anyone is totally and truly hetero or homo. Just my opinion.

When DH & I were talking, there were a couple of other people present and they alluded to the fact that they thought DH was gay when they first met him. I joked that a lot of people think I'm a lesbian, so maybe we are and just have a "marriage of convenience." I said this knowing that DH is bi and just happens to be monogamous with me. I've always considered myself bi as well, according to my sliding scale.

These friends were rather shocked that I would suggest such a thing when I explained my theory. I just think that if you have serious crushes on someone of the same sex, even if you don't follow through, is enough to consider yourself bi. I think they were offended, thinking that I was suggesting something about them--as if it would bother me

I think that your point, arboriamoon, is a great way to explain it. Much clearer than the way I tried.
My dh has the same theory. That we are all bi on some scale. Of course, there are those who would disagree, those who would never, ever be attracted to the opposite/same sex but I think on a broad scale you would be right. Most of us are, or have been, attracted to both sexes. Some are willing to admit it and are ok with it. Some are willing to act on it. Some are not willing to acknowledge that part of themselves at all. I figure whatever works for you...
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#10 of 80 Old 08-27-2006, 03:53 AM
 
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Sexual orientation is about identity, and can be based on behavior, feelings, desires, fantasies, etc. I've known women who identify as lesbians and are in relationship with a man, people who identify as bisexual who have never been in relationship, people who identify as straight but will happily have sex with someone of the same gender...

I'm a queer (bisexual) woman who's never been in relationship with another woman, because I've only been in one relationship in my life. And while I do think that most if not all people have the capacity to be sexually attracted to or aroused people of many genders (even if rarely), that doesn't make everyone bisexual (even a little bit) - again, because sexual orientation is about identity, and like a previous poster I generally trust people to know and choose their own identity better than an outsider.
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#11 of 80 Old 09-27-2006, 01:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by vamp127 View Post
I've always thought that everyone is really bi, just that the spectrum from hetero to homo is large and we all fall somewhere in between. I don't think that anyone is totally and truly hetero or homo. Just my opinion.

When DH & I were talking, there were a couple of other people present and they alluded to the fact that they thought DH was gay when they first met him. I joked that a lot of people think I'm a lesbian, so maybe we are and just have a "marriage of convenience." I said this knowing that DH is bi and just happens to be monogamous with me. I've always considered myself bi as well, according to my sliding scale.

These friends were rather shocked that I would suggest such a thing when I explained my theory. I just think that if you have serious crushes on someone of the same sex, even if you don't follow through, is enough to consider yourself bi. I think they were offended, thinking that I was suggesting something about them--as if it would bother me

I think that your point, arboriamoon, is a great way to explain it. Much clearer than the way I tried.
This is what I think too...only I feel strongly that (for me) being bisexual is complex in the way that there are different things/energies/experiences that come along with "being" with a particular gender of people and that there are a multifacited needs that at different times in my life that I wish to succumb to. And by honoring this in me it makes me more of a whole, real and complete woman.

chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
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#12 of 80 Old 09-27-2006, 05:48 PM
 
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i always considered myself bisexual but would never tell other people because like many others i never had an actual experience with another woman...i was just attracted to and fantasized about being with a woman for a very long time...now i have tried it and loved it and although i do not consider myself a lesbian the only men i find myself attracted to these days are the ones that were once women
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#13 of 80 Old 09-27-2006, 05:53 PM
 
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If my DH was every gone(hope that never happens), I think I would go for a woman, not a man.
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#14 of 80 Old 09-27-2006, 06:00 PM
 
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I consider myself bisexual even though I'm in a mono relationship with my dh and haven't been with another women in almost a year and haven't had a relationship with a woman prior to that one in almost four years. My current situation is not a reflection of my orientation, as it were...

I guess what I mean to say is sexuality is what it is. The gender of one's current partner has nothing to do with defining their sexuality. Being with a man makes me no less bisexual than one of my ex girlfriends being with a woman exclusively right now while her dh is deployed.. One can have desires/urges/feelings or even just admiration for the opposite sex and still 'be straight' as well, I would think...
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#15 of 80 Old 09-27-2006, 06:05 PM
 
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Vamp, I just gotta say that I love your DDDDC!

eta: I won't say "especially in the context of this thread"
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#16 of 80 Old 09-28-2006, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is what I think too...only I feel strongly that (for me) being bisexual is complex in the way that there are different things/energies/experiences that come along with "being" with a particular gender of people and that there are a multifacited needs that at different times in my life that I wish to succumb to. And by honoring this in me it makes me more of a whole, real and complete woman.
I agree, but I think the energies and experience vary just as much from guy to guy or girl to girl as they do from girl to guy. I mean I certainly get very different things from DH than I got from any of my xbf's. I think if anything, my relationship with DH is more like my relationships with girls than with other guys.

Of course, our friends are rather conservative and I think were just shocked that I spoke so openly--must say that she's been a little hesitant to spend time with me now
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#17 of 80 Old 09-28-2006, 01:28 PM
 
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my relationship with DH is more like my relationships with girls than with other guys.
That is so true with DH and I as well.

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#18 of 80 Old 10-11-2006, 06:30 PM
 
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I agree, but I think the energies and experience vary just as much from guy to guy or girl to girl as they do from girl to guy. I mean I certainly get very different things from DH than I got from any of my xbf's. I think if anything, my relationship with DH is more like my relationships with girls than with other guys.

Of course, our friends are rather conservative and I think were just shocked that I spoke so openly--must say that she's been a little hesitant to spend time with me now

mmmmmmmmmmm..............I don't know..........I have these cravings..........comparable to pregnancy cravings.........and it's not for other guys. I can't describe it. And it actually scares me/freaks me out enough as to not even phone a fellow bi-friend cuz I was scared I might like her too much when I was suppose to see here. It's so different for me. I would never get flustered over a man. (well, maybe a Queen).

It makes me want to pull out all my pink hair!

chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
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#19 of 80 Old 10-11-2006, 08:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by amymarie View Post
i always considered myself bisexual but would never tell other people because like many others i never had an actual experience with another woman...i was just attracted to and fantasized about being with a woman for a very long time...now i have tried it and loved it and although i do not consider myself a lesbian the only men i find myself attracted to these days are the ones that were once women
This is kind of like me. I guess I don't really think of myself as bisexual but I guess I just have a very stronge disregard for gender. LOL I am not attracted to "manly" men and my partner is bisexual (and likes to "dress up" every now and then. ) I've never been in a relationship with a woman and I've never even kissed a girl. I can't say that I *never* would have but I met DP when we were only 18 so I guess I never got that "chance", kwim? DP on the other hand, is shamelessly BI (LOL) and will let anyone know it if the ask. A lot of people (especially gay guys) think he's gay when they first meet him. Oh, and for the record, he's only had one same-sex experience and it was kind of by accident. They never dated or anything, just fooled around a bit for awhile when DP was in magnet school. They never had sex or anything though, we lost our virginity to each other.... sooo to sum it up, I guess we both like the same sex (on different levels) yet are in a hetero relationship. :

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#20 of 80 Old 10-11-2006, 08:42 PM
 
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If my DH was every gone(hope that never happens), I think I would go for a woman, not a man.
I know this to be true for me. It feels so odd saying that but the nagging feeling won't be shaken.

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#21 of 80 Old 10-11-2006, 08:44 PM
 
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I would never get flustered over a man.
OMG do I get flustery. And giddy. And shy. And excited. I'm getting flustery just thinking about it!

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#22 of 80 Old 10-11-2006, 09:03 PM
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My dh has the same theory. That we are all bi on some scale.

Not everyone, but perhaps a lot of people have that potential. If you're somewhere in the middle, but in a hetero relationship, does it really matter? Why do you have to figure out the percentages? ("I'm 97.5% straight and 2.5% bi," or whatever.)

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#23 of 80 Old 10-11-2006, 09:05 PM
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..

Being with a man makes me no less bisexual than one of my ex girlfriends being with a woman exclusively right now while her dh is deployed..

I know this is off-topic, but I'm really really curious........does the dh in this case consider her relationship with a woman cheating? Or he is ok with it? Or is he left out of the information loop?

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#24 of 80 Old 10-12-2006, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mmmmmmmmmmm..............I don't know..........I have these cravings..........comparable to pregnancy cravings.........and it's not for other guys. I can't describe it. And it actually scares me/freaks me out enough as to not even phone a fellow bi-friend cuz I was scared I might like her too much when I was suppose to see here. It's so different for me. I would never get flustered over a man. (well, maybe a Queen).

It makes me want to pull out all my pink hair!
I think because my relationship with DH is more like past relationships with girls, that I "lean" more towards women. Very rarely do I see other men that I am attracted to, and when I do they are usually total queens. I keep telling DH that deep down inside me is a queen waiting to come out I've also told him that if anything were to happen to him, I would probably end up with a girl, too.

The whole "manly man" thing does nothing for me--I suppose that's why a couple of my xbf's ended up coming out later on.

It's kind of funny--my mom (73yo) is in a book group and they just read Middlesex. Most of the women in the group started talking about how, if they had it to do over, they wouldn't have gotten involved with men and just did it to ensure that they would have children.
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#25 of 80 Old 10-12-2006, 05:38 PM
 
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Most of the women in the group started talking about how, if they had it to do over, they wouldn't have gotten involved with men and just did it to ensure that they would have children.
(I feel this way too)

I put the brackets there because its a deep secret so shhhhhhhhhhh....

but I DO love dh! He's pretty damn cool--for a man.

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#26 of 80 Old 10-14-2006, 11:24 PM
 
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ok, stupid question time... what would you say defines a "queen"? i've heard the term before, but am really not up on the jargon in the gay community.
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#27 of 80 Old 10-15-2006, 12:19 AM
 
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I like to think of myself as having a whimsical disregard for gender.
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#28 of 80 Old 10-15-2006, 06:48 AM
 
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I feel that i can understand where people come from, but am not bi myself. Its interesting to read this thread, and I find it educational too
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#29 of 80 Old 10-15-2006, 11:56 AM
 
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not to change the subject at all, but does anyone else find themselves having crushes (either sex) even though they're married or in a committed relationship? what do you do??
:
just try not to let it get carried away! And if it does, I guess I'd have to take a good look at my marriage to see if it was still a healthy place to be.

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#30 of 80 Old 10-16-2006, 11:04 AM
 
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See, I don't believe there is only one true love for each person, so I think crushes are healthy.

Course, my dh & I have an open marriage so we can explore those crushes if we are moved to.

My family of 3 (plus pup) Indigo (Aimee), Rob (dp), Ryne (ds) & Phebe (dog), plus my BIL's family of 3.

 
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