Bi monogamy not working - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 44 Old 03-08-2007, 01:34 PM
 
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sphinx, I am right there with you....a married lesbian. I love my husband and he is my soulmate so the body bits don't matter, but I have never been interested in another man and lived 27 years as a lesbian.

You know, even though I would love to find a wonderful woman who would understand that I am not leaving hubby, I am not sure I could be intimate with her even though hubby has given me permission to do so if it ever comes up. Do you think that is just society drilled into our head about monogamy? Can you love two people at the same time....even be in love with two people?

thoughts?
rebecca
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#32 of 44 Old 03-08-2007, 04:37 PM
 
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i think i can love and be in love with two people at the same time.....
everyone is different though.....
its difficult to say whether its society drilled into our heads about monogamy or personal preference....maybe a little of both for some people
my best friend tried to be in an open relationship and it didn't feel right for her.....
i have never been in an open relationship but often longed for my partner to be willing to give it a try.....
now i am with someone and we both want to be free to do what we want and not hold each other back.....
but we both have had jealousy issues come up and we are learning a lot about ourselves and each other....
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#33 of 44 Old 03-11-2007, 04:18 AM
 
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[QUOTE=sandy from Toronto;7091477] It's the whole package of patriarchial marriage and the traditional wife/mothering role which while not what I signed up for, I have ended up getting. QUOTE]
that:

So this is the first time I have looked at this forum because I am bi and married to a man and to most of my gay friends that means I'm straight so I didn't think I would belong here. I have been married for about a year and really love my dh and we actually do have a sex life but I just can not accept that I will never have another relationship with a woman. I have mostly dated men and feel like I haven't had enough relationships with woman and wonder if I can really committ to my dh. He is very clear that he wants monogomy which is scary because I have never really been able to be monogomous. I also think that as someone who considers themselves as part of the GLBT community it is hard have such a hetero life. I kinda liked not being mainstream...I guess I'm still not but it feels that way. My dd is 3 mos and sometimes I feel very guilty too thinking that eventually I will probably "break up" our family. I have decided not to worry about the future and just to be the best partner and parent I can for now and figure it out as I go along. After reading your posts though it sounds as though you are unhappy in your marriage for other reasons as well. I was in a virtually sexless relationship with a man for 5 years before dh. We kept breaking up and getting back together over it and I would date people during those times. After we finally broke up and I moved on I realized that for me having an active sex life is something that is essential to who I am as a woman whether it is with a woman or a man. This may not be true for everyone. I think having the satisfying sex life with dh that I have actually makes me a better mother because it reduces stress and helps me reconnect with my adult self instaed of feeling like I am always in babyland. You deserve to be happy and the happier you are the more you will enjoy parenting.
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#34 of 44 Old 03-11-2007, 04:10 PM
 
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i see myself in so many of the posts that are here. sometimes i feel so alone with my feelings but i know i am not, and i am glad there are others here who are dealing with the same.
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#35 of 44 Old 03-11-2007, 05:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mom2julia View Post

My biggest question is . . . how do you meet/connect with another bi/lesbian woman?
I met one at the gym and two on Polymatchmaker

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#36 of 44 Old 03-12-2007, 05:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by wifty View Post
Do you think that is just society drilled into our head about monogamy? Can you love two people at the same time....even be in love with two people?
I might be able to theoretically, but practically speaking I can't and I don't want to. I tried it but it was not for me. I like to devote myself fully to discovery about the person I am involved with, nurturing a deep, growing & changing connection... I just don't have energy for or interest in more than one intense emotional relationship at a time. I asked dh if he would be willing for me to try having a girlfriend "on the side". He was shocked and deeply hurt, and pointed out that all the energy I would be giving to that person would be energy taken away from our family. Unfortunately, I think he's probably right. I know people who are successful at this without running their energy thin, but not I.
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#37 of 44 Old 03-16-2007, 06:01 PM
 
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i've heard of some families have a gender monogamy -- meaning your dh is the only male for you
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#38 of 44 Old 03-24-2007, 01:56 PM
 
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I'm Bi and married to a man for seven years now. With a crazy life (we've moved a lot of times - military) I've not really had time to look into a poly life. Then again - I married a guy who was okay with it right up until the wedding which was fine - we moved 3000 miles three days later anyway and girlfriend was none too happy about my choice to wed.

Anyhow - I've gone through the emotion of it so many times over the years and especially since we had DD two years ago. I would enjoy a sexual relationship with a woman BUT I am bi and chose DH as a person, not his sex. What if I were straight and wanted another guy - not okay in my world once monogamy is agreed upon. So who is it okay as a bi woman?

So for me - I chose the person, with the ups and downs sexually of being bi, not his sex. So no poly for us - but I don't see why it has to be that way for every couple. I think it has to be honest from the start and those of us who are bi have to respect our partner's opinions - even if that means leaving the relationship to pursue without cheating.
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#39 of 44 Old 03-24-2007, 02:40 PM
 
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Kulia,

I understand what you are saying. It has to be hard if he was on board with you about having a GF up until you were married. But, I admire that you respect your relationship enough to respect his wishes. I guess in your case it would be cheating. Did you have a girlfriend up until you were married??

Do you think it would change things if you had an equal female partner? Like a triad instead of a Vee relationship?

However I see your point in the choice of a "person" not a sex, but I feel that each sex creates different styles of people. My partner is just not good at the mothering- I mean when I am sick he can not just take over and take care of me- you know, like a woman could. But, he can do things like make me feel safe like I know a woman can't.

For us the bi part has always been known- though not acted on. It has only been in the last 2-3 years we even knew that poly was a term or a real thing. So, this looking for another partner is very new to me/us. In my relationship I would be open to having a couple, but my partner is not really in favor of that- so like you I respect that. It is all about choice and respect. I see no reason to cheat in any realationship. Find the path that feeds your soul.

[B][I]~Ang~ Mom to 2 sport-head crazy girls: Rainey and Breeze  and my little lost love- @18 weeks with gestational age of 7 weeks
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#40 of 44 Old 03-24-2007, 03:31 PM
 
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I had a girlfriend, that DH was aware of and knew as his friend (she was NOT bi), up until the wedding. But, the stress of me preparing for a wedding while choosing to make a much more serious commitment to him than to her really put the shits on that relationship. I think she wanted more from me and at that time, I wanted to marry Travis and not Nicole as people, not sexes.

I was so burned out by the breakup with Nicole that it was not too hard at first, and I have certainly gone through times when it was. I think DH *might* go for it if I were visibly really miserable - but I'm just not - kwim? I go up and down like any bipolar gal but in the end I put my energies into being the best friend to myself, partner to him, and mother to DD.

On top of it we live in the military world - I have a lot of friends who know I'm a *bleeding heart liberal* but our sexual orientations don't come up often, and when they do I always end up having to give the "I'm bi but chose the person not the penis" talk. I don't mind doing it here - but with my DH's boss's wife who I'm only being friendly to socially since we have nothing in common - sometimes I'm just too tired.

I am lucky though, DH is a a super Dad who really nurtures DD as much as I do and as I am now lying in bed on day 4 of the stomach flu I have no doubt she is perfectly happy not to be with her crabby Mommy. I agree with you though - he can take over and "mother" DD but he is only so/so at doing it for me....I guess as a Mom I've given up on being the one "mothered."
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#41 of 44 Old 03-28-2007, 06:54 PM
 
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Hi ladies, glad to see this type of topic here. I am bi and have been with my hubby nearly seven years, divorced from another man before that.

I am just in waiting and raising my kids, not too concerned with the things I am missing. I try not to get down about it and I know I still have time. And it's SO funny that here I am surrounded by males! Three boys, hubby, and even hamsters, cats and a dog that are male!

My soul wants to be in a great relationship with a woman again, and I am not talking about just sex. It's fulfilling to be with a another woman who is nurturing and wonderful. Without that I am not complete. Sex is nice too :-)

Having said that, I luurrrve my hubby more than is normal I think. I have never loved a man like this and don't think I ever could again. I am still sexually attracted to him after 7 years, which is also unusual for me. He makes me laugh every day, he's a good dad, he makes me want to be a better person (as cliche as that sounds) and I couldn't imagine a day without him in my life. I don't regret a moment.

I still need to have that wholeness someday again though. Hubby looks at a relationship with another woman (for me) as a sexual thing and he would like to be aware and involved. He tries to understand the emotional aspect, but if I were in a relationship without him involved, he feels that's cheating on him, so it goes back to the sex thing.

This is another reason I haven't pursued any relationships. I want a woman in my life to be in my life for us (she and I), not for my husband. And I don't want to find a woman who is looking for a sex triangle. I am looking for an actual relationship here.

So there's a piece of me missing and a hurting that I can't really discuss with him just yet. He's a wonderful and understanding man and I think someday we'll work this out. Right now.. well I don't have the time or energy!

Almost a b-ball team: : Taylor -14, Alex -11, Jack -8, Lachlan born at home 11/15/07
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#42 of 44 Old 03-28-2007, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey Gina,
that was such a great post. It sounds wonderful that things are going so well in your marriage (the sexual attraction after 7 years totally impressed me!). I kind of wonder if any man can ever really "get it" about love between women, so I understand your with holding some of your yearning or loss about not having a female partner in your life, but I would want it just exactly the same way. I couldn't "share" a female partner with my male partner. They are both dynamic, separate entities and especially the special closeness between women...I would never want to devalue or cheapen it by turning it into only a sex thing. That's my opinion, at least.
Anyways, thanks for posting about your life and this issue.
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#43 of 44 Old 04-03-2007, 11:53 AM
 
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so frustrated with all of this.(my shituation)!!!!! just had to vent. thanks.
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#44 of 44 Old 04-04-2007, 12:47 AM
 
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Sandy, Thanks for understanding! As I think sometimes only a woman truly can, as you mentioned.

And me, I am still shocked by the sexual attraction too. There was a lengthy period where we had a plan to break up... about 4 years ago I guess. But times were much different and more stressful. Instead of an in depth plan for splitting, we started committing to getting out of the hole and increasing our communication. The fire was lit (or re-lit) and I love him more now than ever.

Still I sometimes wonder if there will ever BE a chance to be with a woman again. Sometimes I wish that longing would go away so I could be 100% happy and at peace with what I have instead of lways wishing for what I don't. I must say, it's tough being on the fence. It's not for the faint of heart.

Almost a b-ball team: : Taylor -14, Alex -11, Jack -8, Lachlan born at home 11/15/07
"Well behaved women rarely make history"
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