thanks for the responses! I'll post my original issue - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 02-18-2007, 04:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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51 views no responses I guess I'll look somewhere else for some answers thanks for reading anyhow

---Okay thanks for responding I'll post my original issue in a minute

I guess I took it down not that I was upset I didn't get a response but I started to wonder with so many people looking at it if people were just clicking in for curiousity....

So the party went well, and I didn't mention it to her father at all. I delt with it in the parents are embarassing PERIOD if we are different then you could be embarassed about that but people are embarassed when their parents are boring and normal as well! She is proud of her father and I stressed how hard it was to be him and what he went through in life and that she can be proud and private about her life as 13 year olds gossip and are nasty at times if she doesn't want to give information that's fine but she shouldn't lie.

Its been an interesting journey for me as when she was little she was very proud, and loved to educate her friends that you must have got it all wrong not just boys marry girls but families come in every single variation known. I know that identity wise she has to forge her own and that although being parented by two gay fathers shapes her experiences it doesn't change her own identity that is of her own choosing.

I guess it has become so normal to us that I have forgotten that there are still people who might take issue with her family make up. I realise that there will be a few more hurdles in life, such as when she finds a mate herself that his family might be a little shellshocked but its just so normal to me now I don't think about it. I forgot that there are people out there that might be that ignorant..... I know what was I thinking! I realised that a part of it is that she's comming to the dating age when she will be bringing home some pimply faced boy to us! And we are such a bunch of characters that are well not the picture of normal rockwell's perfect family but probably just as dull half the time

But then again I do look forward and think that all those ideals that we thought about that our parents wanted for us in the sixties my kids actually live... (my father's side considered my parents marriage a mixed marriage in the sixties she's italian/albanian catholic he's scottish protestant.... lol.... Mine must be a blender!)
there's just some people still in the last century. And one day once she gets over the whole teenage stuff she will think it was pretty neat that she's been exposed to a heteromom/two gay dads/multiracial/multiethnic/multireligious open and accepting family.

and here's a question for everyone regardless of family makeup... my husband and I were talking about our family and I wondered are there really still a majority of people/large segment of society who would be very uncomforatble around homosexual people, homosexual parents/families? Its become so normal to us that I don't really often think (or give anyone I talk to any opportunity to say anything negative about our situation) but I figure just because this is normal for me doesn't mean I should keep my blinders on and should try to be prepared for the issues that might come up in her life going forward (like meeting a boy, inlaws etc... )

8 might be enough
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#2 of 16 Old 02-19-2007, 03:49 PM
 
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I'm not sure what your question was, but if you tell me, I'l try to help. It's awful to not have anyone reply to a question.

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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#3 of 16 Old 02-19-2007, 07:31 PM
 
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Hey shiloh...I was pondering whether I had something useful to say about your dd's embarassment about her dad. No brilliant words of wisdom had come to me...mine are still little...

sorry you were bummed out about not getting a response

ETA: It's not a very active forum, so a lot of those views were probably from "new posts," so not folks who felt like they had experience to share.
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#4 of 16 Old 02-19-2007, 07:39 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that no one responded to your post more quickly. I usually try to repond to all posts within a day or so, but this weekend was my twins' fourth birthday, and I ended up not being online at all.

If you repost your dilema/question/whatever, I'd be happy to try to help!

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#5 of 16 Old 02-19-2007, 07:39 PM
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:

I read it but since I am normally not part of this forum, I've learned it's best sometimes not to respond on forums I don't have a connection to. Could be some of those other views were people like me. Sorry you got no replies. It's happened to me too. It sucks. Sometimes if you repost it, there will be a couple comments.
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#6 of 16 Old 02-24-2007, 08:38 PM
 
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You should repost... this is a super slow forum and it sometimes takes a long time for people to get in here. This is my first time to mothering in a couple weeks because I've been so busy.

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#7 of 16 Old 02-24-2007, 10:35 PM
 
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I usually read but don't reply. Occasionally posts will apply to me as a bi mom, but I'm in a hetero relationship currently, so I don't usually have much to add to conversations since I haven't experienced many of the situations.

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#8 of 16 Old 02-24-2007, 10:52 PM
 
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People might be more likely to reply if you ditch the attitude and guilt-trips. : This is a slow forum, replies take time.

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#9 of 16 Old 02-25-2007, 06:57 PM
 
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I never saw it. Haven't been in here since my posting frenzy last week.
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#10 of 16 Old 03-06-2007, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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bumping it up again...

8 might be enough
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#11 of 16 Old 03-06-2007, 07:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh View Post
and here's a question for everyone regardless of family makeup... my husband and I were talking about our family and I wondered are there really still a majority of people/large segment of society who would be very uncomforatble around homosexual people, homosexual parents/families?
YES. I would say that even in my notoriously liberal west coast SF bay area lacation that there is a large number of people who do not feel comfortable with LGBT families/parents. That said, the people that I meet who may be uncomfortable know how to not offend me and my family. They are not overtly homophobic. I have moved into a very suburban area and no one has remotely flinched at my family, but in the midwest and rural northeast where I have family I would say that they are less exposed. This means that they are less likely to feel that it is "normal" to have a queer family and thus more likely to say something that will offend or hurt me/my child. I have been left out of enough weddings, baby showers, and other events with the excuse of "I have no problem with you and your family, but my great aunt Bessie..." to know that being a queer family matters even in this day and age.

I, too, don't leave much room for people to express negative judgements to me about my family. I think that modeling how to treat me and my family is what helps others know how to act around me. It helps my kids too. BUT a gay man was beaten to death in early February in Detroit - my part of Michigan - and it scares and saddens me that my children need to know how to understand and cope with that kind of hatred in a way that the kids of straight couples do not.

You could check out the Queer Parents Primer or other books on how to handle preteen issues. There are lots of books that have addressed the embarassment issue with ideas on helping kids feel good about their family. There are even books written by the preteen and teen kids of gay people that your daughter might like to read. I am sure that she wished that she could come up with a better way to handle the party than to lie. Good for you (and her) for helping her through this issue.

I hope this helps.
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#12 of 16 Old 03-06-2007, 09:01 PM
 
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Shiloh,

Thanks for looking out for your daughter and trying to support her as she travels this journey.

You might want to look into a COLAGE group for her. It stands for Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere. It's my understanding that kids are in it who have a whole variety of family backgrounds that include queer parents. She might enjoy being around other agemates who share this in common with her. I think the COLAGE info is stickied in the resource section of the forum.

Good luck!
megin

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#13 of 16 Old 03-07-2007, 08:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh View Post

and here's a question for everyone regardless of family makeup... my husband and I were talking about our family and I wondered are there really still a majority of people/large segment of society who would be very uncomforatble around homosexual people, homosexual parents/families? Its become so normal to us that I don't really often think (or give anyone I talk to any opportunity to say anything negative about our situation) but I figure just because this is normal for me doesn't mean I should keep my blinders on and should try to be prepared for the issues that might come up in her life going forward (like meeting a boy, inlaws etc... )
Unfortunately, yes. I sometimes feel like I live in a little bubble too because of the people I choose to spend my time around, but I learn from doing LGBT panels on campus that people really have no clue and that there is plenty of homophobia to go around.

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#14 of 16 Old 03-07-2007, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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colage - i just saw something about them the other day for the first time.
I am not sure if she'd be into it as she's in the cool/detached phase of adolecence so not overly interested in joining ANYTHING but they might have some resources for me, would have been a great thing to find years ago.

Quote:
I, too, don't leave much room for people to express negative judgements to me about my family. I think that modeling how to treat me and my family is what helps others know how to act around me. It helps my kids too.
i was raised with some religious/ethnic differences but I look pretty british so people would never assume I had anything else in my dna, I always made sure that people know so they don't start in on some ethnic group I happen to be a part of... but sometimes I don't as I want to know what type of ignorance I am dealing with... and even when they do know my inlaws tout that soft political correct ignorance, like "i heard" "they say" insert ethnic/religious group....

Quote:
a gay man was beaten to death in early February in Detroit - my part of Michigan - and it scares and saddens me that my children need to know how to understand and cope with that kind of hatred in a way that the kids of straight couples do not.
true, I told my dd that beatings like that were not even blinked at 20+ years ago....

Quote:
There are even books written by the preteen and teen kids of gay people that your daughter might like to read.
do you know of any movies? we are talking harder to motivate 13 year old, movie would be much easier

8 might be enough
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#15 of 16 Old 03-07-2007, 11:50 PM
 
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Your wish is my command. Here's a list of movies from www.colage.org

http://www.colage.org/resources/movies.pdf
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#16 of 16 Old 03-09-2007, 04:06 AM
 
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Quote:
and here's a question for everyone regardless of family makeup... my husband and I were talking about our family and I wondered are there really still a majority of people/large segment of society who would be very uncomforatble around homosexual people, homosexual parents/families? Its become so normal to us that I don't really often think (or give anyone I talk to any opportunity to say anything negative about our situation) but I figure just because this is normal for me doesn't mean I should keep my blinders on and should try to be prepared for the issues that might come up in her life going forward (like meeting a boy, inlaws etc... )
yes there are still people who are not only uncomfortable, but ignorant, about the glbt community...i do not talk to my birth family because they cannot accept my lifestyle...they are religious and have chosen that religion over any kind of relationship with me...and i will not allow their negativity to reach my children...our children have had to deal with the ignorance when they were in public school...they often came home with stories about how the kids at school would laugh at them, say vulgar things, etc about them having two moms and a dad...so while its normal for us, there is still a lot of educating that needs to be done...we have had to teach our children what to say, if they should say anything, in those situations...we have had to make sure they have pride in their family, and to keep in mind what makes their family special...its a lot of work, and it sucks for the kids...we have been lucky in homeschooling them, that we have met some very accepting people, and the kids have been able to become friends with kids who dont care...

peace...

Homeschooling Ama to boys (ages 10 and 6) and my SoldierGirl who is serving in the US Army, StepMom to three crazy teens. I'm married to the love of my life. 

 

Love is an action word. 

Words have power...use them wisely.

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