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#1 of 44 Old 04-15-2007, 06:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi there!

I am new here. I'm not sure if this is an appropriate place for this post, but I'm going to post it anyways and hope for the best.

I have some questions, both about sexuality as well as parenting. Since this forum deals with queer parents, I gather this is as good a place as any to ask away? Lets hope!

Okay, so without going in to a lot of details...I am a 28 yr old single mother. My daughter is 6 now, and the coolest damn thing ever! Up until the last couple of years, I have dated men. There have been girls here and there, but never anything serious. About a year ago I realised I was in yet another seemingly great relationship with a guy....who I didn't love. The guy was great. The sex was, I guess, great. We hardly ever argued, he was smart and responsible. Good with money, cute as hell, good sense of humour. What a catch, right?! Sigh*

We parted ways with him being very understanding, and me being more confused than ever. We're still great friends. He's one of my best friends and most trusted confidants, in fact. The point is, he was wonderful and I couldn't find a way to love him.

I have found myself having more and more fantasies about other women the last few years. I have always known I was attracted to other women, but I could never really decide on which gender I was more attracted to. Eventually it got to the point where being with men was more like...a habit? Something that was familiar and therefore not terrifying. While being with women continued to never really amount to much in the way of experience.

Now that I am older and it has become clear that I can no longer ignore my feelings towards other women, I am of course, nervous as all hell because of the lack of experience. Also, I think I have some kind of problem with my self esteem and my not being able to let go of the idea that a female partner would constantly be comparing my body to hers. The idea of this feeling makes me feel even more naked than being naked makes me feel. Does that make any sense?

So, in thinking what sort of female I might like to attempt to date, I have really hit a wall. I mean, my problem is not that I'm not sure what I am attracted to. I know just what kind of girl I am physically attracted to. The problem is the way she sees me. I am very much a tomboy, I always have been. I have some quirks, I guess. I don't like to be touched, but I love to touch others. In bed, I don't want her to see me as a female. I don't even want her to acknowledge my breasts. If at all possible I would rather keep them hidden at all times. I have every kind of daydream about pleasing this fantasy girl in every sort of way, catering to her every whim. Being the best boy(?)friend a girl could ask for. But I can't get passed the notion that if a girl wanted to sleep with a guy, wouldn't she just date a guy? Not another girl who wants to be seen as a guy?

I have never really been a part of a big gay community. In fact, when I have come into contact with such communities, I'm usually kind of put off by them for one reason or another (the organization of the community, not the actual people in it). Anyhow, what I am wondering now is how common it might be for girls to date other girls who prefer to be viewed as boys in the bedroom. Should I bother trying to find a female like this? Do they exist or am I doomed to be with the "wrong" gender while also feeling like I am the "wrong" gender?

I am moving to Toronto in about 20 days. If anyone has any advice pertaining to where a shy tomboy might ease out of the closet in Toronto, please feel free to give it!

Okay, so my other question was about TTC and pg. I feel very conflicted. On the one hand, I am very much a tomboy. On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how great being full of baby and glowing like a radiant woman felt when I was pregnant. I want to feel it again. I loved being pregnant SO much. I've been reading this site a lot, and following many of your stories as they unfold. I have come to two conclusions. 1. I need to find a girlfriend. 2. I need to have another baby, and soon. But which one first?! I have raised my daughter basically alone. I mean, I had a couple boyfriends but she was always raised by me. Truthfully, I don't mind that. I don't mind it at all. But I can't help wondering if perhaps it might be a better experience if I shared it with someone who I could fall in love with. And also, what if we could have another one by her womb, too?! I would get to go through the whole experience yet again, only from a new angle and perspective! That rocks my socks.

Why is it that I can see the pictures in my head, but when I open my eyes it seems like there are 14 mountains to climb and they are all sitting right in my way? Sigh*

I'm not really sure what I am asking here anymore. This is a whopper of a post, though, and I should cut it off before it becomes a novel.

I do know that there are a lot of strong, and positive people hanging out on this site. And I guess that is what I need these days. I need to connect with other strong mamas. With other strong women. Even with not so strong women. I need to connect with myself, too. I really hope a clearer path can be found, cause right now my goggles are pretty caked with mud and I'm kind of nervous about that.

Sorry this post was so long. Thanks for reading. Thanks in advance, for responding.
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#2 of 44 Old 04-15-2007, 12:20 PM
 
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Hey, I live in Toronto! There is a huge gay scene here, I'm not really into it, a lot of it is around bars and stuff.

There is the Queer Parenting Exchange, that might be a good place for you!

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#3 of 44 Old 04-15-2007, 02:22 PM
 
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Sexuality and gender identity IMO are very broad in definition. There are no set categories that you have to put yourself into. Most large GLBT communities realize this and will accept anyone. I am sure TO is no different.
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#4 of 44 Old 04-15-2007, 02:50 PM
 
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Completely random, but I have a Dane, too! She's sleeping on the couch right now.

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#5 of 44 Old 04-15-2007, 05:54 PM
 
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Hi there!

So, in thinking what sort of female I might like to attempt to date, I have really hit a wall. I mean, my problem is not that I'm not sure what I am attracted to. I know just what kind of girl I am physically attracted to. The problem is the way she sees me. I am very much a tomboy, I always have been. I have some quirks, I guess. I don't like to be touched, but I love to touch others. In bed, I don't want her to see me as a female. I don't even want her to acknowledge my breasts. If at all possible I would rather keep them hidden at all times. I have every kind of daydream about pleasing this fantasy girl in every sort of way, catering to her every whim. Being the best boy(?)friend a girl could ask for. But I can't get passed the notion that if a girl wanted to sleep with a guy, wouldn't she just date a guy? Not another girl who wants to be seen as a guy?
Nononononono.
I have no desire for men, but I love butches, and you will find that there are queer women out there who love to be with women like you!
I'm very femme (though I feel really schlumpy-frumpy since dd was born!). My partner is butch. We've been together for 11 years, and that dynamic has evolved over time, and we thrive on it. She does not like to be touched in bed (that *is* hard for me... the first several years of our relationship she welcomed touch, and I do miss it a lot, sigh) but there are queer women for whom not touching their partners is no big deal.
Touching or not, I adore being able to coddle her masculinity, to help create the fantasies that revolve around it.
So no, I would not just date a guy. It's not the dynamic I want. And yes, you should bother finding a girl who wants a girl like you. There are probably more out there than you realize...
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#6 of 44 Old 04-15-2007, 10:24 PM
 
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My partner is in some ways the opposite of you (LOVES to be touched in any way, at any time, lol) and in some ways like you. She has a very masculine energy and personality. She is regularly mistaken for a man in public. She's been a tomboy her entire life. She does not currently own a skirt or dress. But neither of us feels that she was born in the wrong body - she is a woman, and likes it that way. If, heaven forbid, something were to happen to her or our relationship, I would be out looking for other masculine women, I can't imagine dating a man again. It's really not the same.

BTW, women like her (and you) seem to find themselves very much in demand around here, so apparently there are quite a few women who want to date masculine women.

As far as the other question, how long are you willing to wait before having another baby? If you're sleeping with women for the first time, I expect you're going to want to wait a few years before you actually want to start making babies with someone... So if you really feel that you need to have a baby *SOON* and you're ok with going it alone, that might be the thing to do. Though you should still have plenty of time, if you want to wait to try for a partner first (you can always try by yourself in a few years if the partner thing doesn't work out).

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#7 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 02:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Nononononono.
I have no desire for men, but I love butches, and you will find that there are queer women out there who love to be with women like you!
I'm very femme (though I feel really schlumpy-frumpy since dd was born!). My partner is butch. We've been together for 11 years, and that dynamic has evolved over time, and we thrive on it. She does not like to be touched in bed (that *is* hard for me... the first several years of our relationship she welcomed touch, and I do miss it a lot, sigh) but there are queer women for whom not touching their partners is no big deal.
Touching or not, I adore being able to coddle her masculinity, to help create the fantasies that revolve around it.
So no, I would not just date a guy. It's not the dynamic I want. And yes, you should bother finding a girl who wants a girl like you. There are probably more out there than you realize...
Okay, I really needed to read this! Thanks so much. It really seems like no big deal, I guess, for you to take the time to type this out. But to me, this short paragraph is almost life changing. You're awesome, thank you again.

FtMPapa, thanks for your post as well. I had read somewhere that you were in Toronto, I was hoping you'd stop in here and tell me about the community there. The thing is I'm not really into the club/bar scene. The gay communities I have been involved with in the past seemed to revolve around the nightlife and party scenes as well, it kind of puts me off. I don't know if I am just boring or if it is a control issue, but I'm really not into partying. My idea of a great party is a few friends, a backyard, a kickass barbeque and real music being played on real instruments around a wicked fire built in a fire pit that I've built into some sort of artistic masterpiece. Anyhow, your second option sounded more like a place I might check out. Once I get there I'll have to look in to it.

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My partner is in some ways the opposite of you (LOVES to be touched in any way, at any time, lol) and in some ways like you. She has a very masculine energy and personality. She is regularly mistaken for a man in public. She's been a tomboy her entire life. She does not currently own a skirt or dress. But neither of us feels that she was born in the wrong body - she is a woman, and likes it that way. If, heaven forbid, something were to happen to her or our relationship, I would be out looking for other masculine women, I can't imagine dating a man again. It's really not the same.

BTW, women like her (and you) seem to find themselves very much in demand around here, so apparently there are quite a few women who want to date masculine women.
The bolded parts are like you're describing me to a tee. It's really very confusing. I quite love being a woman and would not have it any other way. But on the other hand, I quite like being mistaken for a man in public, I could not imagine wearing make up, or a skirt and heels. I walk like a guy, I look like a guy, I act a lot like a guy, but I collect victorian clad porcelain dollies. It's all very confusing. It's like it changes several times a day. One minute I'm feeling more girlish than boyish, and it is apparent in my actions or emotions at the time or whatever. Another minute I'm feeling like I need to walk around with my chest puffed out and give cute girls that come fusk me look. Bah! I went to a "psychic" once. Never met the woman before. First thing she told me is that I have dual energies about me at all times. Both male and female. She touched a bit on the conflict this creates within me. It clicked. Made sense. The rest of her reading was useless, however. In my head it just is so hard to make sense of. How can I feel both? How the heck am I going to make that work for me?! Gah! I'm so confused.

Also, this emoticon ---> is : crap, which makes me chuckle.

I think the bottom line is that I am right fusked up, which seems about par for everyone else around me too. I guess that helps. Thank you folks for the replies. You guys are superstars!
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#8 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 03:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Completely random, but I have a Dane, too! She's sleeping on the couch right now.
I want a dane too! I'm holding out to afford one of the blue danes. Have you seen them? God they are gorgeous. They are this velvetty silver/blue colour. They are so awesome looking in the sun. Costs about 2 thousand for one, though.
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#9 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 03:30 AM
 
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She has a very masculine energy and personality. She is regularly mistaken for a man in public. She's been a tomboy her entire life. She does not currently own a skirt or dress. But neither of us feels that she was born in the wrong body - she is a woman, and likes it that way.
Sounds like me too...


oh and...I adore danes. As soon as our little one can walk okay on his own I want to get a dane pup. Mine is a mantle but I'd love to have blue dane. Gorgeous dogs!!! Okay sorry... Don't mean to be one of those dykes that goes on and on about her dog... Ha ha ha!
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#10 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 09:38 AM
 
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I want a dane too! I'm holding out to afford one of the blue danes. Have you seen them? God they are gorgeous. They are this velvetty silver/blue colour. They are so awesome looking in the sun. Costs about 2 thousand for one, though.
I adore the blue danes. I've always wanted a male blue with uncropped ears. Having been through Monty's ear cropping aftercare, I would never crop a dog's ears. (She was cropped before we got her, she was supposed to be someone else's dog, but we took her when they backed out.) At some point, probably close to ten years from now, I will have another Dane.

The thing is, with a Dane, and with any dog, really, is not the purchase price. Monty cost around $1000, but that was almost six years ago. Since then, she has racked up vet expenses, insurance expenses, food expenses, the cost of accessories like leashes, winter coats, and boots, plus toys and training for her, crates, dog walkers and boarding (though I have not yet had to pay for dog walking, but I'm expecting to in the future). The original grand was just a drop in the bucket.

Plus, in Ontario, it's great, but I'm moving to MA and it is very hard to find an apartment that will allow a Great Dane to take up residency.

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#11 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 03:26 PM
 
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hi arriotty....i just wanted to say that i, and lots of others, love masculine girls.....i dont think there is anything wrong with identifying with both genders and i have friends who are happy being neither....gender blenders are hot and you sound like a great mother....i have been with mostly men my whole life but recently found myself in a wonderful relationship with a ftm....
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Welcome, Arriotty! I think you have a lot more to offer than you think you do! And I think you will be surprised at how welcoming the lesbian community is in terms of butch/femme stuff and gender variation. My personal opinion on lesbians is that we have gone through a lot of personal discovery to end up where we are, so we are understanding and welcoming of that in other people. I mean, I had a hard time coming to terms with myself as a feminine lesbian because I didn't know there was such a thing when I was growing up. I actually thought it was an oxymoron. So I tried to be butch, but it was ridiculous because it just wasn't me at all. And I think my wife had a similar viewpoint when she was growing up. When she went to college, she chopped all her hair off in order to look more like a "lesbian". And now although her hair has gotten longer, she still prefers men's clothing to women's clothing and refuses to admit that the bag she carries is a purse. Her butchness doesn't come up very often, but now that she is pregnant I think she is realizing that the maternity clothing industry has no idea that there are pregnant butch ladies. Ah well.
The only thing I think may be a problem is your desire to not be touched in bed. That would certainly be an obstacle for me. I do think that there are women out there who will be fine with your restriction/desire, but it may not be easy for them to understand. Then again, I think everyone has their own preferences in bed, anyway, so it may not be a problem at all.
Good luck and I hope Toronto works out for you! Meredith

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#13 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Welcome, Arriotty! I think you have a lot more to offer than you think you do! And I think you will be surprised at how welcoming the lesbian community is in terms of butch/femme stuff and gender variation. My personal opinion on lesbians is that we have gone through a lot of personal discovery to end up where we are, so we are understanding and welcoming of that in other people. I mean, I had a hard time coming to terms with myself as a feminine lesbian because I didn't know there was such a thing when I was growing up. I actually thought it was an oxymoron. So I tried to be butch, but it was ridiculous because it just wasn't me at all. And I think my wife had a similar viewpoint when she was growing up. When she went to college, she chopped all her hair off in order to look more like a "lesbian". And now although her hair has gotten longer, she still prefers men's clothing to women's clothing and refuses to admit that the bag she carries is a purse. Her butchness doesn't come up very often, but now that she is pregnant I think she is realizing that the maternity clothing industry has no idea that there are pregnant butch ladies. Ah well.
The only thing I think may be a problem is your desire to not be touched in bed. That would certainly be an obstacle for me. I do think that there are women out there who will be fine with your restriction/desire, but it may not be easy for them to understand. Then again, I think everyone has their own preferences in bed, anyway, so it may not be a problem at all.
Good luck and I hope Toronto works out for you! Meredith
*ahem* I may also suffer from this problem. It really isn't my fault! They need to come up with a better term for a purse. It just sounds way too...girlie? Of course, always saying "Where is my bag?" sounds a bit revolting as well. I'm always left with a blank spot in my brain when I want to refer to the bag I carry. I'm going to think of something to call it, and coin that word for lesbians everywhere, damnit.

With regards to not wanting to be touched in bed, I think it is a combination of two things. First, I don't want to be touched anywhere that is going to make me feel like a girl. I'm really not sure why. It may change with experience, though. Second, Since having my little girl, my body has gone downhill. I gained 60 pounds with her, then had a wacked out problem with my thyroid for a couple years, it caused more weight gain and all kinds of other problems that took ages to get under control. Now the last couple of years I get my periods for anywhere from 3 to 5 months at a time. I'm not kidding! They tell me I have polycystic ovary disease and that is what is causing it. But an ultrasound revealed no cysts. Go figure, they still refuse to change the diagnosis and I am left bleeding constantly and wondering what the hell is up. As a result, I lack energy a lot of days, and am usually low in iron an anemic every few months. It's a vicious cycle really. Anyways, losing the weight hasn't been happening, and my self esteem has taken a nose dive. I was used to being muscly and pretty okay with my body until 6 years ago. Now I view my body as something I cannot stand looking at or touching a lot, and can't seem to get my head around the idea that others may not feel the same way. It just seems safer for my ego to just not be touched. Does that make any sense?
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#14 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hi arriotty....i just wanted to say that i, and lots of others, love masculine girls.....i dont think there is anything wrong with identifying with both genders and i have friends who are happy being neither....gender blenders are hot and you sound like a great mother....i have been with mostly men my whole life but recently found myself in a wonderful relationship with a ftm....
Thanks for this. These posts are uplifting! I am starting to realize that perhaps I am in fact not meant to remain alone for the remainder of my days. This is a good feeling. While I know I am strong enough to handle the pangs of lonely for a lifetime as long as my kidlet is happy, I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I think moving to a big city will help a lot. For the last few years I have been living in the middle of nowhere. I walk around in town with short boyish hair and all mens clothing and people stare at me like I've got a fusking crocodile hanging off my buttcheek or something! Ridiculous. I've actually stopped and stared right back at them with a questioning look on my face. Only to have them ask me incredulously, "What?" What the heck do you mean what?! You're bug eyed and staring straight at me! Bah!
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#15 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 06:18 PM
 
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That would be a great idea! She carries an LLBean bag in a butchly blue, grey and black. But still...it's a purse to me! And I know she loves it that I call it her purse...yeah, right! I joke that I will rename it (a la Seinfeld) her European Carryall if she doesn't come up with a better name. Keep me posted if you come up with a good one.

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#16 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 06:36 PM
 
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I've actually stopped and stared right back at them with a questioning look on my face. Only to have them ask me incredulously, "What?" What the heck do you mean what?! You're bug eyed and staring straight at me! Bah!
thats funny! i get stared at a lot too....i have short boyish hair and am flat chested and don't wear makeup so it confuses people....even though i totally identify with being a girl and love it i also like looking androgynous.....i don't get hit on by straight boys as much....i definantly think moving to a big city will help....i live in the bay area and here are tons of femmes who love butches and neithers and trannys and everything in between....i can relate to your not liking to be touched too....my boyfriend doesn't like to be touched "down below" sometimes....but as long as hes still touching me then everything is great....i understand why he doesn't like it and know it has nothing to do with me....it has to do with him not wanting to have what he has down there....and before he had his top surgery i never even saw his breasts...when you meet someone and it feels right then they will understand your needs and wants and it will work out perfect...
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#17 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 06:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I adore the blue danes. I've always wanted a male blue with uncropped ears. Having been through Monty's ear cropping aftercare, I would never crop a dog's ears. (She was cropped before we got her, she was supposed to be someone else's dog, but we took her when they backed out.) At some point, probably close to ten years from now, I will have another Dane.

The thing is, with a Dane, and with any dog, really, is not the purchase price. Monty cost around $1000, but that was almost six years ago. Since then, she has racked up vet expenses, insurance expenses, food expenses, the cost of accessories like leashes, winter coats, and boots, plus toys and training for her, crates, dog walkers and boarding (though I have not yet had to pay for dog walking, but I'm expecting to in the future). The original grand was just a drop in the bucket.

Plus, in Ontario, it's great, but I'm moving to MA and it is very hard to find an apartment that will allow a Great Dane to take up residency.
I've always wanted a male blue with the cropped ears. I think they look so much more regal with them cropped. More manly somehow, or something. Makes them look like they are always proud and alert. The problem, of course, is that when it comes to animals I am a complete suck. I sicken myself, really. I once had my cat bring in a baby rat, still pink, no ears, eyes fused shut. The rat was unchewed and alive. I bought kitten milk and a syringe to feed it, I kept him nestled in my sports bra cleavage to keep him warm, and even had to mimic his mothers licking his tummy to make him poop and pee. Of course, I used a wet fingertip, not my tongue, though! Anyways, the little bugger lived and I set him free once he was old enough. The point is, I could never knowingly crop a dogs ears. If somehow, the dog came to me already cropped and the work done for me, well then I would probably feel bad about it but I'd probably really love the look of it too. I just couldn't do it myself.

I have the same problem with babies and circumcision. On the one hand, as a woman who has been with men, I prefer the lack of foreskin, ten to one every time. I am really grossed out by foreskin, in fact. But if I were to have a baby boy, I don't think I could knowingly put him through that pain. This poses a huge problem and causes a lot of anxiety for me, as someone who is quite interested in having at least one more child, preferably more.
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#18 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 06:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thats funny! i get stared at a lot too....i have short boyish hair and am flat chested and don't wear makeup so it confuses people....even though i totally identify with being a girl and love it i also like looking androgynous.....i don't get hit on by straight boys as much....i definantly think moving to a big city will help....i live in the bay area and here are tons of femmes who love butches and neithers and trannys and everything in between....i can relate to your not liking to be touched too....my boyfriend doesn't like to be touched "down below" sometimes....but as long as hes still touching me then everything is great....i understand why he doesn't like it and know it has nothing to do with me....it has to do with him not wanting to have what he has down there....and before he had his top surgery i never even saw his breasts...when you meet someone and it feels right then they will understand your needs and wants and it will work out perfect...
I've thought about the top surgery. I think for different reasons though. When I was 14 I had a boy from school try to rape me at a party. Well, he didn't get very far with that, and I ended up beating the hell out of him with a baseball bat. However he did manage to grab it from me at one point and swing as hard as he could at me. The blow landed in the middle of my left breast. That breast never grew again, but the other one did. I am now left with quite a lopsided difference. The smaller one even posed a problem while breastfeeding, it just absolutely would not produce enough milk. It would empty quickly and take longer to refill, it also had no room to stretch with milk. I assume because of scar tissue. After all the hassles I went through with the breastfeeding, and the breastfeeding being the only thing I ever really found a use for my breasts with...well yeah. If I can't use them to feed a baby adequately, then what the heck good are they? My back would probably feel better if I just cut them off! The do nothing for me sexually, I quite dislike them being touched in a sexual manner in fact, with a male or a female. I just think not having them would be more efficient.

As far as not wanting what I have "down there", I don't think I feel that way. I'm totally a tomboy butch, but I am a woman and quite okay what that. I wouldn't feel right being refered to as a "he". Not that I think there is any problem with people who feel the opposite. When not in the bedroom, I have no problem with being a girl dating another girl. I quite like the idea, really. But in the bedroom I just can't seem to see myself as a girl sleeping with a girl. I always see more of the boy in myself coming out then. More of a primal thing, I think. I'm not sure, it's quite hard to explain.
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#19 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That would be a great idea! She carries an LLBean bag in a butchly blue, grey and black. But still...it's a purse to me! And I know she loves it that I call it her purse...yeah, right! I joke that I will rename it (a la Seinfeld) her European Carryall if she doesn't come up with a better name. Keep me posted if you come up with a good one.
Oh, I know your type! I dated a girl very briefly recently. She just LOVED to tease me mercilessly about my carrying a dreaded purse. Do you know, I even have trouble typing that word?! I'm such a dork. I had to stop carrying the bag around her. I just learned to keep my wallet in my back pocket, and leave everything else I'd normally carry around at home. It sucked! Damnit, I have a kid, I need to carry stuff around!

I will definitely keep you posted if I think of a better word for it. Also, I added a huge edit to my above response to you, don't know if you saw it. I am the queen of afterthoughts, you understand. It's a curse, I'm pretty sure my mother is at fault somehow. I'm not sure how, really, but she always laughs at me for it, so I'm blaming her.
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#20 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 07:11 PM
 
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,
But in the bedroom I just can't seem to see myself as a girl sleeping with a girl. I always see more of the boy in myself coming out then. More of a primal thing, I think. I'm not sure, it's quite hard to explain.
i think you explained it wonderfully....i love being human....we are all so unique and different and just because your a woman does not mean you act like one in the bedroom....
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#21 of 44 Old 04-16-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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Okay, I really needed to read this! Thanks so much. It really seems like no big deal, I guess, for you to take the time to type this out. But to me, this short paragraph is almost life changing. You're awesome, thank you again.
Happy to have been of service.
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#22 of 44 Old 04-17-2007, 01:07 AM
 
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Now the last couple of years I get my periods for anywhere from 3 to 5 months at a time. I'm not kidding! They tell me I have polycystic ovary disease and that is what is causing it. But an ultrasound revealed no cysts. Go figure, they still refuse to change the diagnosis and I am left bleeding constantly and wondering what the hell is up. As a result, I lack energy a lot of days, and am usually low in iron an anemic every few months. [/QUOTE]

Hi there
Welcome to the tribe!
In reading your post this popped out at me. Have you been screened for uterine polyps? I don't have PCOS, but for years I had symptoms like this, and they finally did a test ( I think called a hysterosalpingiogram-say that three times fast!)- and found I had uterine polyps, which also complicate TTC. If this is part of your issue they can cause all kinds of bleeding/spotting problems. BTW, ovarian cysts can grow pretty quickly according to my fertility doc.
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Now the last couple of years I get my periods for anywhere from 3 to 5 months at a time. I'm not kidding! They tell me I have polycystic ovary disease and that is what is causing it. But an ultrasound revealed no cysts. Go figure, they still refuse to change the diagnosis and I am left bleeding constantly and wondering what the hell is up. As a result, I lack energy a lot of days, and am usually low in iron an anemic every few months.

Hi there
Welcome to the tribe!
In reading your post this popped out at me. Have you been screened for uterine polyps? I don't have PCOS, but for years I had symptoms like this, and they finally did a test ( I think called a hysterosalpingiogram-say that three times fast!)- and found I had uterine polyps, which also complicate TTC. If this is part of your issue they can cause all kinds of bleeding/spotting problems. BTW, ovarian cysts can grow pretty quickly according to my fertility doc.
No, I haven't actually. Thanks, though, I'll add it to my doc list. I've got a running list of medical issues that need solving before I lose my mind over them. I've been waiting until I move to find a good doctor who I am comfortable with and who is willing to take the time to find out what IS going on and help me to solve each issue.

I have no idea if whatever causes this bleeding is to blame or plays any part, but I did have a miscarriage about 4 months into the pregnancy at age 16. Then at 18 I had a baby boy born a few months too early and he only lived 15 days. Later around age 22 I had a completely normal pregnancy, with baby born a day before her due date. Around a year ago I had another miscarriage which doctors estimated to be a little under 4 months along.

I don't know though, if I'm supposed to have these cysts in my ovaries, wouldn't that make the egg getting out more difficult? In which case how am I getting pregnant? It seems more likely to me that there is something wrong with my uterus that has caused the miscarriages. Or, maybe the babies were defective somehow and my body knew it? God, I really have no idea, I have wracked my brain thinking of reasons, but I will always wonder why why why.

Also I don't understand what is bleeding and causing the clots (yes, TMI, sorry about that!) I need a damn doctor who is going to explain things to me when I ask, not get visibly annoyed by my asking questions. Have you experienced doctors who are standing up and have a hand on the door knob most of the visit? They are just poised to dart out that door the moment you let there be a millisecond more of a pause in the conversation than there should be. BAM he's bolted because you lowered your eye contact for a moment! You're left going DAMN now I need to make another appointment just to finish asking things from this one! Uggh. Maybe it's just me? I ask a lot of questions, I'm curious, damnit! Plus, it's my body, I should know what the heck is going on with it, right?
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#24 of 44 Old 04-18-2007, 03:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I realized today that I'm moving in like two weeks. Suddenly I can't stop panicking about whether or not I've taken care of everything and if I have enough time to finish taking care of the things I've still got to do. All day I'm making lists again and again, packing and repacking boxes over and over. Taking stock and inventory of every room, writing down what's still being used but needs to be packed soon and shipped off. Trying to plan a ride in to town! Blah! The whole day was this giant whirlwind of emotions, there weren't any breaks or pauses or anything! The hits just kept coming in the form of more and more thing for me to worry about today. By the end of the day I'm exhausted and tired and still worried, panicked and frustrated because I'm absolutely positive that I'm forgetting to do something. My kidlet snuggles up onto me all cute like, and she says "Mom, you really need to chill out, you're going to put yourself in an early grave and I love you so I don't want you to go there."


She's just turned 6! These are the moments when you just stare at them, trying like heck to contemplate where they have picked up such a phrase, and it hits you; this is my kid. My little growing-up kid. This is my kid progressing, learning, moving on, aging, guiding, teaching and just generally being, all at once. Alright, so at the risk of sounding like an enormous sappy mushmonster, I'm going to skip over the sudden need to cry and hold her really close. And I'm not going to mention how heartbreakingly sweet her tiny little "I love you's" are. Of course, it didn't last long before she was wiggling to get away and wanting to scamper off and destroy something...I mean play.

Sometimes it takes just 40 seconds for someone to make your whole day, and maybe even part of the next day. That rocks my socks.

How's the mama's here today?
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#25 of 44 Old 04-18-2007, 07:52 AM
 
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I don't have time to read all the responses, but I wanted to let you know that I LOVE butchy girls! My GF could definitely pass if she wanted to and seeing her in baseball hats is HOT! She pretty much wishes her boobs didn't exist, mainly because she is very athletic and she has giant boobs. She's not ever asked me to not touch her boobs, but I know that she doesn't really care if her boobs are ever touched.

I'm pretty femmey and find butchy girls to be extremely attractive. I, too, used to date exclusively guys and realized that I didn't love any of them. I've finally felt what love is.

coffee-drinking caffix.gifsocial worker in HIV/AIDS ribbonred.giflady-loving ribbonrainbow.gifbike-riding bikenew.gifmom of two twins.gif
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#26 of 44 Old 04-18-2007, 03:24 PM
 
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arriotty your post about your daughter rocked my socks! and made me all mushy and teary eyed.....i'm so emotional......it sounds like you have done an amazing job raising her....good luck with the packing and moving....
i'm doing good today....i let my dd stay home from school today but i'm pretty sure shes playing sick....i don't mind playing along since she is one of the smartest and best workers in her class....hope you have a wonderful day and rest of the week
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#27 of 44 Old 04-19-2007, 11:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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arriotty your post about your daughter rocked my socks! and made me all mushy and teary eyed.....i'm so emotional......it sounds like you have done an amazing job raising her....good luck with the packing and moving....
i'm doing good today....i let my dd stay home from school today but i'm pretty sure shes playing sick....i don't mind playing along since she is one of the smartest and best workers in her class....hope you have a wonderful day and rest of the week
Hey, thanks! People are always so quick to tell you when you've done something they figure is not good regarding raising your children. It's so nice to hear something positive once in a while.

I like to think I'm doing a good job, but as a more alternative type mother I'm always concerned there could be something I've missed, something more I should be teaching her. I suspect every parent has such worries.

A few weeks back we were at a park and she was playing with some other kids while I sat on a bench nearby and chatted with another mom. This woman seemed so kind and gentle. Seemed like such a sweet woman with a pleasant nature and an easy smile. I rather enjoyed talking to her. Near the end of our play time I noticed this woman glance to her right, towards the playground, and then glance back again quickly. She stood up abruptly, rushed over to the playground and snatched up her little boy. They headed off to her car, no goodbye, no anything.

What had this woman seen that terrified her so much? A gay couple. Two men arrived at the park with their son. The men held hands and shared little pecky kisses while they watched their little tyke play. They were a sweet looking couple, they looked so happy and loving.

My little girl came running over to me once the woman had taken away one of her playmates and left. She asked me "Mom, why did that lady take her son away? I was playing wiff him." I told her because she had seen those two boys kissing each other and it scared her a little bit. She says "Well, that is silly, they are just loving on each other, what is scary about love?" Quite right my darling, quite right. Those are the moments I just feel like I'm about to burst with pride. After informing me how silly it was to be scared of love she confidently proclaimed that boy boy parents and girl girl parents are just like boy girl parents, they just love in a different way but love is still love. She scampered off to play some more after that, completely unaware of every shred of my being about to break down in tears and thank the universe for giving her to me.

Enough about me. Was your wee one really sick? I hope not, but aren't they cute when they are? They get that little snuffly voice and that cute barely there whine, and they want to snuggle you all day long and be babied for comfort. Of course, it sucks that they're sick, but having them not so hyper and wanting to be snuggled all day is pretty great! How old is your little one?

I'm glad you liked my post, sorry I made you teary! I'd hand you a tissue, if I had go-go Gadget arms. Alright, I guess I should get back to packing and sorting. I've got myself convinced I'll never have enough time to take care of all the details, I might as well get my butt in gear and prove myself wrong.
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#28 of 44 Old 04-19-2007, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm pretty femmey and find butchy girls to be extremely attractive. I, too, used to date exclusively guys and realized that I didn't love any of them. I've finally felt what love is.
Thanks for your reply! I just wanted to make a quick response here before I go finish up some packing. I think that this realising I'm not in love with the men Ive been dating thing is really very confusing. To me at least. See, I kept asking the gay people I knew and met if they always knew they were gay. Every damn one of them always said yes. This confused me because I always knew I was attracted to girls as well as boys, but I've never known and still don't know for certain if I am gay. For the longest time I took this to mean that I can't be gay, since I didn't know from early on.

Your post is very helpful on this topic, since it shows me that perhaps I don't have to have always known, in order for it to be true. Thank you.
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#29 of 44 Old 04-20-2007, 12:26 AM
 
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Hey Arriotty,

At this point I'm just echoing what everyone else has said, but it is really true- there's so much room on the gender spectrum for everyone, and for each combination of gender, sexuality, desire, etc., there seems to be someone who likes just that. I am only attracted to women who look somehow boyish or andro, and no, it's not about wanting to be with a man at all. Having tried that, I know that boyish woman are not a substitute, but rather, the thing itself, for me anyway. I have no doubt that you'll find women who are excited to have a boyish, toppish lover!

Also, I know that this is so much easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up emotionally because of your body/body image. I'm fairly thin, and I actually prefer dating people who are larger than I am. I don't know why, it's just what I'm attracted to, and I certainly don't "compare" my body to that of my lovers- that would be like comparing apples and oranges. So really, don't feel insecure about yourself, because no matter what size or shape you are, someone will find that hot, will be turned on by it. And, I also find that in the moments when I'm feeling less secure about my body, sex is actually one thing that brings me back into myself, and makes me feel okay about my body again. Something about the process of remembering that your body is made to feel good, to be close to others, etc. These are hard issues. I'm about to start ttc, and I'll be a single mom, and I definitely worry that once I have a kid I won't be "hot" or "sexy" anymore. But, I hope that regardless of how my body changes, I'll still be able to hold onto the pleasure I get from it.

Anyway, good luck! Sounds like a bigger city will be right up your alley!

Angela

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

Building queer family since 2008!

(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#30 of 44 Old 04-20-2007, 02:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Earlier in the day, Miss Minkey Boodle (pet name for my lil' girl) asked me if we could go outside to hunt bugs. I have a thing for bugs, I think they're neat. Like tiny little machines with such intricate little mechanics. Also, they have a lot to tell us, once you know all about them. I've always really liked bugs...although some of them I really don't enjoy having on me. I forced myself, though, to pick every one of them up as my Boodle was growing. I showed her each one and told her everything I knew about it, and we would look them up and take pictures of them if we didn't know what kind of bug it was. I didn't want to pass on my ick factor over some types of bugs to her.

So, anyhow, today we hunted some bugs. She's got this little box we made her for the hunt. It's called her bug box and it's awfully cute. She painted it to look like a house and there's small bug couches and chairs and tables glued inside it. Her idea, not mine. It's wooden and it's basically just like a deeper version of a cigar box that is now painted to look like a small house. Did I mention the tiny bug fireplace?

She's been in bed a while now, and I remembered her bug box. I've just been through it and sorted the little guys out. Usually we will collect all the bugs and then I will sort through them and make a list like the one I'm about to post below. I note how many, what the bug is and at least one thing I notice about the bug(s). I pass the list on to the Boodle and she uses it to pick each bug out of the container, hold it up, and decide on a name for it before she releases it outside. Occasionally she decides on a name for a bug right away when she finds it.

1 Mayfly (giant mosquito looking thing)
6 Black Field Crickets (2 males and 4 females)
3 Snails (in varying sizes and colours)
1 Large Ground Beetle (male)
3 Smaller Beetles (specific species unknown)
1 Click Bug (these suckers are cool as hell, anyone ever seen one?)
14 Sow Bugs (only 4 of them females)
7 Pill bugs (the Boodle calls them rollie bugs)
1 Large Irritable Slug (she named him Oscar on a count of his grouchiness)
1 Fluffy black and brown Caterpillar (moth species)
1 Spiney black Caterpillar (species unknown)
1 Cocoon (found in soil, species unknown)
2 Earthworms (one of them is curiously two toned)
1 Grub (unknown species)

So that was the list. Tomorrow when she wakes up we'll let them go and name them, and I'll come back and edit their new names into this post. Also, I have no idea why I'm posting this. It just seemed like something fun to post.
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