Bi-parents Aug. 07 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 141 Old 08-01-2007, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Howdy all! I thought we could start monthly threads to make life easier.
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#2 of 141 Old 08-01-2007, 02:43 PM
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I'm happy to be back!! I'll be checking in again later....
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#3 of 141 Old 08-01-2007, 04:44 PM
 
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OK thanks to encouragement from another member I am feeling bolder and I'm gonna stick my neck out and ask...

Several have said that you feel like you'd never be with another man if your dh left, but I am wondering, is there anyone who is with a man but thinking it's maybe not the greatest idea? I have gone back and forth on this since we got together 9 years ago and as I sneak up on the end of my 20s I am starting to fear that marriage may be wrecking the best friendship I've ever had, iykwim. : I keep trying to put this issue to bed but it won't leave me alone.

: Anyone relate?
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#4 of 141 Old 08-01-2007, 05:15 PM
 
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Hi everyone!

Yep, I can relate, BSD. I go back and forth all the time, not knowing what to do. I worry about losing what I DO have, but I also wonder if it is enough. I wonder if I can get over never being with a woman. Sometimes I am happy, other times I just wish I could try with a woman. I wish I could find an easy answer.
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#5 of 141 Old 08-01-2007, 07:52 PM
 
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Greetings August ladies (pun definately intended)

BSD, I often feel
Quote:
it's maybe not the greatest idea. I have gone back and forth on this since we got together 9 years ago and as I sneak up on the end of my 20s I am starting to fear that marriage may be wrecking the best friendship I've ever had, iykwim. I keep trying to put this issue to bed but it won't leave me alone.
the only difference is we've only been together 5.5 years

I really love this guy. I just dont feel excited about making love with a man; I can enjoy it, but it just doesnt do it for me. All the time, I feel like I'm repressing some great part of me.
Its a constant battle in my mind: "leave him, stay with him"
Doesnt look like I'll be putting the issue to bed anytime soon; I cant even get my daughter to go to bed!

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#6 of 141 Old 08-01-2007, 07:57 PM
 
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I can very much relate.

More now than ever, I am wondering if I am in the wrong place. My husband is a great father, and a good husband but we have very little sex. He knows that I am attracted to women and would like to explore that one day. But I am feeling like maybe we should spilt and I can really explore, you know? I don't want to hurt him....but I also don't want to limit myself. So I'm married to a man. Does that mean I never get to experience a relationship with a woman? I don't think I'm okay with that.

Then again I don't want to hurt someone with my exploring either. Typical mother, thinking of everyone else's feelings instead of her own.

I am thoroughly confused. But I am glad this thread exists.

Danielle, fabric artist, mama to Eleanor 5/05 and Charlotte James 09-26-09
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#7 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 12:14 AM
 
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I'm honestly kind of surprised how many people are in the same situation. It doesn't seem like it would be as common but it makes sense that it is, I suppose. It's a difficult position to be in, that's for sure. I've recently gotten to the point where something has to change, where I am realizing it's not just going to go away with time.
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#8 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 04:36 AM
 
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I got to the point where something has to change about 2 years ago.
I had an affair with a woman that didnt work out.
I convinced DH that I should have a GF, it didnt work out.
DH and I very nearly split up, I nearly lost my DD. Its a very long and complicated situation for me, but for now I'm staying with DH, (even if I sometimes feel like a martyr).
I've got time, and for now, keeping my DD safe and having parental stability in my life is a higher priority than sexual fulfillment. (but its still on my mind : )

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#9 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 04:36 AM
 
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man, I just re-read my post and it sounds so depressing.
I didnt mean it that way. :

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#10 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 05:33 AM
 
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It didn't sound depressing.

DH and I have vaguely talked about me having something on the side at some point. But honestly, I think it would really hurt him. And what if I fell in love with someone else and wanted to leave? What a tangled web we weave...

At some point though, I'm going to meet someone and we will have to cross that bridge then.

Danielle, fabric artist, mama to Eleanor 5/05 and Charlotte James 09-26-09
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#11 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 03:55 PM
 
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I can completely relate to those feelings of wondering if being with a man is really the right thing. My DH is my best friend and I love him like no other. He is an amazing father, and a husband I wish every spouse in the world would be like. I am truly lucky to have him and I could never imagine my life without him in it. But when it comes to the bedroom, I really wonder why I am there. DH knows I have a stronger leaning towards women, and is accepting of me having a relationship with a woman.
I though am not so sure about that. He has no desire to be with anyone else, and doesn't want to deny me of fulfilling every aspect of my sexuality. I am fine with other people being in open relationships, but for some reason the idea of ME being in one sounds odd. Maybe because I don't see myself going out there and hitting the dating scene or something. So I sit back and just say 'what happens happens' and talk constantly with DH about how both of our feelings are.
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#12 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 05:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by *daciaperfect* View Post
I am fine with other people being in open relationships, but for some reason the idea of ME being in one sounds odd. Maybe because I don't see myself going out there and hitting the dating scene or something. So I sit back and just say 'what happens happens' and talk constantly with DH about how both of our feelings are.
I can't really add to it because that's exactly describes my view on it.
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#13 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 05:49 PM
 
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I don't do poly. Tried it and the scene made me crazy. Sorry, no offense to those for whom it works great. It just was not for me. I think if anything changes it's going to be that dh and I become just "platonic" partners/coparents. It seems like each year that goes by I get less interested in heterosexuality, period.
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#14 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 06:30 PM
 
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I am very happy with my sexual relationship with dh, and our marriage as a whole. We are a great team on every level thankfully!!! I thank the universe every day for what we have. Honestly I don't think I could live without sex with men....nor could I live without sex with women. Oh... I know I could...I've lived without either/or at several times in my life but it would be a toughy. Especially now that I'm finally in a relationship where I feel secure to be fully satisfied on a sexual level...it would be hard to go back.

I currently have a regular male lover. He's a beautiful and fun human. We enjoy our time together so much! His wife (who is straight) and kids are also wonderful and we all get together as families from time to time. Dh and I have a developing triad with a simply wonderful woman. It's very exciting! My last girlfriend is pregnant and has no sex drive whatsoever so we agreed that we'd just loose that part of our relationship for awhile. I've been missing the sex frankly. It's such a huge thing for me.

Sometimes I feel weird admitting that. I have more energy, drive and I'm just all over a happier and nicer person to be around if my sex life is full. I have so many friends for whom sex just isn't that important....makes me feel like such a horn-dog Like its somehow bad to value sex so much. I don't know...just pondering and rambling.....
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#15 of 141 Old 08-02-2007, 06:44 PM
 
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It seems like each year that goes by I get less interested in heterosexuality, period.
I hear that.

Maybe this isnt relevent to anything, but it has had me thinking lately...
a friend of mine and I were out of town last weekend representing the org. we both work for at a Pride festival about 2 hours from us. We were talking about how we seem like the odd balls in the org. I am 15 years younger or more than anyone else in it, and same with the guy who was with me. So we talked about how the 2 of us had a lot to do to help bring in the ideas of the younger LGBT community (we are in our 20's). He was talking about how he sort of felt odd in the group, and I told him how I felt like the fraud. Bi's seem to have this terrible reputation: in the hetero side, we are the sluts : , in the LGBT side, we cant make up our mind : And even worse, I am Bi, AND married with a child. Just slap a scarlet letter on me now.
He then says, 'No Darlene, you are my lesbian friend who is in a hetero relationship.'

For some reason this has really stuck with me. Is he seeing something in me that I havent figured out for myself yet? I have struggled a lot with trying to figure out for myself where I stand on orientation. Its not like it matters, it all ebbs and flows. I guess its just me trying to make sense of myself.

Ok, I'm done rambling....back to your normal programing.
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#16 of 141 Old 08-03-2007, 02:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
I think if anything changes it's going to be that dh and I become just "platonic" partners/coparents. It seems like each year that goes by I get less interested in heterosexuality, period.
I'm totally there!

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I can completely relate to those feelings of wondering if being with a man is really the right thing. My DH is my best friend and I love him like no other. He is an amazing father, and a husband I wish every spouse in the world would be like. I am truly lucky to have him and I could never imagine my life without him in it. But when it comes to the bedroom, I really wonder why I am there. DH knows I have a stronger leaning towards women, and is accepting of me having a relationship with a woman.
I though am not so sure about that. He has no desire to be with anyone else, and doesn't want to deny me of fulfilling every aspect of my sexuality. I am fine with other people being in open relationships, but for some reason the idea of ME being in one sounds odd. Maybe because I don't see myself going out there and hitting the dating scene or something. So I sit back and just say 'what happens happens' and talk constantly with DH about how both of our feelings are.
and you totally stole my post with this one

man, I'm just so amazed to find other mamas in the same situation as me

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#17 of 141 Old 08-04-2007, 04:36 AM
 
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man, I'm just so amazed to find other mamas in the same situation as me
: ditto!

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#18 of 141 Old 08-04-2007, 05:51 AM
 
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For some reason this has really stuck with me. Is he seeing something in me that I havent figured out for myself yet? I have struggled a lot with trying to figure out for myself where I stand on orientation. Its not like it matters, it all ebbs and flows. I guess its just me trying to make sense of myself.
I can relate to this. I'm pretty darn sure that I know who I am in this regards, but sometimes I get a little paranoid that maybe I'm wrong. Sometimes the feelings are so strong for females (mostly just in general) that it makes me wonder a bit. I do know that I love DP very much, regardless, but I think mostly it's because I'm feeling very imbalanced. When I *was* in a poly situation with a person from both genders, it all felt pretty right to me (well, except the fact that the people I was with at the time weren't right for me... but it felt GREAT to have a relationship with both at once... definitely confirmed to me that I am poly, as well). Though it definitely ebbs and flows quite a bit. In any case, I inditify with "queer", not meaning gay... just queer. I don't know if I could explain that to anyone that doesn't understand what I mean, but it's just the way I feel.
However, if anything were ever to happen to my relationship now (knock on wood, not that I'm expecting it to end, not at all), I doubt I'd end up in another mono relationship with a man.

Arrghh... I still get the feeling that I'm not explaining myself very well. That always frustrates me.

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#19 of 141 Old 08-04-2007, 12:40 PM
 
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In any case, I inditify with "queer", not meaning gay... just queer. I don't know if I could explain that to anyone that doesn't understand what I mean, but it's just the way I feel.
I hear that. I think "queer" is a great wat to describe many types of sexual orientation in the community.

How's this:
"In contemporary usage, some use queer as an inclusive, unifying sociopolitical umbrella term for people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, transsexual, intersexual, genderqueer, or of any other non-heterosexual sexuality, sexual anatomy, or gender identity. It can also include asexual and autosexual people, as well as gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream (e.g. BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons). Queer in this sense (depending on how broadly it is defined) is commonly used as a synonym for such terms as LGBT.

Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists, by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities, by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight, and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of "outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as "breaking the rules for sex and gender." It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows "queer" identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context "queer" is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for "queer" heterosexuals and "non-queer" (straight-acting, conformist) homosexuals."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer

I figure that rather accurately describes it. Anyways, I've come out as a dyke. (I don't really care for the term "lesbian"... but I have used "gay" or "queer".) I had my ds in my last long term hetero relationship, and since found out that I'm really not happy with men at all. Even if I'm physically satisfied, I feel... err... "empty". The same attraction is just not there. Right now I'm dating a lovely bi womyn who's helping me confirm that I'm much more satified with members of my own gender.

Sorry if this is OT...?

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#20 of 141 Old 08-04-2007, 10:52 PM
 
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Hi all! I agree it's pretty stunning to find so many women with whom I can discuss this! I probably already said that once or twice, but still.

Well we've been talking a lot this week. There have been times in the past 9 years together where we have agreed to live as friends/platonic partners (pre-dd) and looking back we realize that those were some of the best times in our life together. We didn't fight, we had more fun together, felt more confident, were more involved with hobbies, etc. And I had a long talk with a trusted mentor about it and how much stress it puts on me trying to be a wife, with all that entails--even though our relationship is as close to 50-50 equal as any I have ever seen. But it stresses me out, ESPECIALLY the physical part, you know? Really stresses me out. Used to be ok but I can't do it anymore--even when we were TTC I had to force myself. And how when I let myself think "ok maybe you're not really bi, maybe you're just fully lesbian" it's like an elephant is lifted off my chest. The older I get the more I creep up the Kinsey scale, not just as far as sex either. I just want to be around women.

We have decided to work out something different. We had been arguing CONSTANTLY, over stupid things, and starting to just really not like each other. It was not good for dd to have us frustrated and stressed all the time, she is sensitive and I could tell it made her sad. Something has to give.

So we're talking a lot and have pretty much agreed the romantic part of our relationship is over and we're both totally OK with that. Eventually, maybe several years from now, maybe just months, we'll both date other women. Heh. But that we work wonderfully as coparents and emotional support for each other and do not want to split up DD's home. So, that's what we have got so far. I've been combing the internets for information on alternative parenting arrangments. Most of what I have found has been about gay men and lesbians, but I wouldn't think that an agreeable straightish-bi guy and lesbian would be that far afield.

I am totally : but so relieved.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for thread-stealing. :
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#21 of 141 Old 08-04-2007, 11:09 PM
 
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Very exciting, BSD! I am glad everything organizing itself nicely for you, in a way that will allow all 3 of you to have happiness and security.
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#22 of 141 Old 08-05-2007, 12:53 AM
 
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That's great BSD. I bet you feel happier already. You're not a thread stealer, that's what this thread is for. We have had this talk as well, and DH understands that I would like a relationship with a woman in the future. He says he isn't interested in dating anyone else. So, we'll see how it all works out when the time comes. Congrats again!

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#23 of 141 Old 08-05-2007, 04:48 AM
 
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wow, BSD!
sounds like you've come to a much clearer place.
I was somewhere eerily similar with my DH, but he wasn't happy with any kind of situation where we will still be co-parenting but not a monogamous couple. so we;re still together.

you're not thread stealing, you're speaking for half the group!

man, it just seems like every post on this thread is a bunch of dittoes for every other post. we finally found other women in similar situations. seems like all of us were feeling alone and freakish (to some degree) and turns out we were neither well, that's how i feel anyway.

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#24 of 141 Old 08-05-2007, 06:32 PM
 
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Thanks everyone. And yes, it's definitely good to know we are not alone!

I'm nervous and excited about this. Kind of feel like I am starting life anew. I'm just afraid of encountering a lot of judgement out in the world about this. I know it doesn't matter what others think, but I don't want to end up feeling alone again. I guess confidence is the thing. I'll just go out and do what I want to do and if I radiate assurance that it's all good, maybe people will pick up on that.
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#25 of 141 Old 08-06-2007, 07:17 AM
 
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I'll just go out and do what I want to do and if I radiate assurance that it's all good, maybe people will pick up on that.
:

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#26 of 141 Old 08-06-2007, 07:45 AM
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I've never posted on this topic before, actually I'm still working on the bi identity....I was raised strict Catholic, blah blah blah, so it took me awhile to get away from the guilt and all that crap. I'm sure you've all heard this story a million times, I'll spare you the details. Anyway, I've been married to my DH, who I adore, for a year. We've talked about my attraction towards women and we've discussed the possibility of going poly at some point. My problem is....I've never been with a woman so I'm like that nervous kid in highschool who doesn't know what to do : I live in a pretty conservative midwestern town so I wouldn't even know where to start meeting people. Any advice for a newbie?

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#27 of 141 Old 08-06-2007, 09:09 AM
 
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My problem is....I've never been with a woman so I'm like that nervous kid in highschool who doesn't know what to do : I live in a pretty conservative midwestern town so I wouldn't even know where to start meeting people. Any advice for a newbie?
No advice. I am in the same boat. Pretty sad for someone who basically identifies as a lesbian happily married to a man. I too am quite nervous, and unsure of what to do.... and in a conservative town. And how DO you bring that up to other people???? "Oh yeah, I am married. Oh? No, he doesn't mind, he is interested in you too." How can this conversation NOT go badly?
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#28 of 141 Old 08-06-2007, 02:23 PM
 
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No advice. I am in the same boat. Pretty sad for someone who basically identifies as a lesbian happily married to a man. I too am quite nervous, and unsure of what to do.... and in a conservative town. And how DO you bring that up to other people???? "Oh yeah, I am married. Oh? No, he doesn't mind, he is interested in you too." How can this conversation NOT go badly?
Have you thought about looking for a poly community in your area? Even in conservative areas people still get their freak on, yk? They just might be well hidden due to the local climate.

You were nervous the first time you were with a guy, right? You got through it. Be honest and I'm sure you'll have a great experience. :

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#29 of 141 Old 08-06-2007, 02:36 PM
 
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Have you thought about looking for a poly community in your area? Even in conservative areas people still get their freak on, yk? They just might be well hidden due to the local climate.
Yeah. There isn't one. Our gay community consists in total of a church (MCC, meets in another church's building). Pride is a church picnic. Even our freaks are conservative. :

I had luck in other towns finding poly people by connecting with pagan groups. But we are atheists, so its hard to make connections there now too. (I was pagan at the time).

Quote:
You were nervous the first time you were with a guy, right? You got through it. Be honest and I'm sure you'll have a great experience. :
Yeah, but then, it was new to both of us, so we were on the same footing.
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#30 of 141 Old 08-06-2007, 03:02 PM
 
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Well I tried to come out twice? three times? before this, lol, and at this point I feel like I can give some advice based on what I did wrong! I think it was a mistake for me to be like "ok, I like girls, now, gotta find a date." As exciting as the prospect of finally meeting someone and being intimate and falling in luuuv totally is, it's not the place to start IMHO. When I tried doing it that way, I got overwhelmed and scared and discouraged. And that contributed in some part to my giving up and retreating.

What I should have done, and what I am doing now, is to start by finding the community and getting involved. Next step is making friends, both friends who are strictly platonic and friends who might have the potential to be something more are ok. And just immersing myself in the culture and getting informed about all the pertinent issues both by doing reading and by interacting with people. THEN I think I'll be ready for the next step. But that could be months, years, etc.

It's ridiculously easy for me because I'm in a big gay town and I am going to university. In the space of a week I can get involved with two campus groups, a church GLBT group, a community group, a feminist bookstore, etc. But even if your region is less open and accepting and there are less options, there's a way in. Maybe google your town's name and "GLBT" to see where everyone is.
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