strange hormonal shift or baby desperation or both? - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-08-2007, 09:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I'm putting myself out there a bit with this one so please be gentle in your responses...
I'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience to me - I have never had a relationship with a man and have generally felt really quite turned off and sometimes fearful of heterosexual male sexuality - in particular, the thought of me having sex with a man used to distress me quite a lot.

In the last six months however, I've suddenly lost all of the ewww factor and although I'm definitely not questioning my lesbianism, I'm definitely more open to the idea that you never know what might happen in the future. I could have sex with a man. [for the record, i've always thought this in a philosophical sense but not always felt comfortable with it on a personal level.]

I'm wondering whether this is:
a) just a phase
b) some weird hormonal/subliminal thing about being desperate for a baby and prepared to do anything.
c) just a new maturity or understanding of myself that I wasn't previously prepared to explore.

Anyone have similar thoughts or experience?

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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Old 08-08-2007, 10:17 PM
 
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*several drafts deleted*

I'm just gonna pm you, hold on a sec.
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Old 08-08-2007, 11:02 PM
 
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If i had to vote, I'd vote for #3. I believe sexuality, gender, and attraction are all related but not mutually exclusive. I would have sex with Brad Pitt any day, and I don't identify as bi! (oh yes, and we are monogamous We all change as we go through life and I think it's really brave to admit that those thoughts are with you right now! Don't freak out!!!

Used to be stay at home parent to our two lovely girls, survived nursing school with family intact, about to graduate and looking for a job! I low-supply nursed my bio daughter for 3 years. 

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Old 08-08-2007, 11:54 PM
 
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I've had sex with men in my past and sometimes I even enjoyed it. That ended over 12 years ago when I realized I didn't have to have sex with men. I completely identify as a dyke and have never really felt attracted to bio-men. (I specify "bio-men" because I am attracted to and have sex with genderqueer and trans guys.) Since starting ttc bio-men have starting sneaking into my fantasies. It is really weird. None of these bio-guys are people I know and none are straight. They are all big queer bears or bear cubs! I don't know why this is happening but I try not to over-think my libido. Sexuality so rarely follows logic. I just shrug and enjoy the fantasy.

Queer poly family trying since October 2006. Currently using a known donor and no medical interventions.
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Old 08-09-2007, 12:40 AM
 
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I've had similar feelings-specifically I developed a crush on our very gay donor. I have been with my partner for 6 years and would never be with anyone else.

I think it's normal that while TTC-that you would get these feelings. However I tend to not worry too much about attractions, I think feelings and actions are very different things.

I have been with men in the past-and being with men doesn't have an ewww factor for me. I simply prefer to be with women. If something were to happen between my partner and I, and I were to find myself single would I be open to being with a man? Sure-it's more likely though that I would eventually find myself more attracted to a woman.

I don't know if this helps. I think that sexuality is so complicated-and in reality I do believe that everyone has at least some small level of not being completely straight, or completely gay. I could be wrong though.

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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Old 08-09-2007, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We are strange creatures aren't we?!
Thanks for your responses. I'm not freaking out now but I sure was a couple of months ago. I'd totally be interested in finding out if more dykes have had this experience.

Oh yeah - pdxmomazon - Michael Stipe is the man of my dreams. I've always said I'd sleep with him

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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Old 08-09-2007, 02:29 PM
 
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Hee hee hee! MujerMamaMismo- Michael Stipe held my fascination in high school, as did David Bowie

Used to be stay at home parent to our two lovely girls, survived nursing school with family intact, about to graduate and looking for a job! I low-supply nursed my bio daughter for 3 years. 

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Old 08-11-2007, 11:10 PM
 
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After dw and I had been together for a couple of years (we got together when I was 18, she was 21), we broke up because I left her for another woman. It didn't work out (surprise, surprise), and after a couple of months I found myself single for the first time in my "adult" life (I was 20). And I fantasized about men. I did not fantasize about them sexually, but I just thought about how nice it would be to be in a hetero relationship. Partially I think I was feeling scared of love and women and heartbreak, but also part of it was defnitely hormonal and due to thinking about how amazing it would be to make a baby with my partner (something I had never really considered before). And the baby would be a mix of us! And I'd get pregnant having sex! And everyone, everyone, everyone would recognize us as a family.

So, I swore off women. I had a brief, intense friendship with a man that ended with an awkward kiss, and that was my tiny little taste of the "heterosexual lifestyle."

Dw and I got back together six months after we'd broken up, and I got pregnant a year later. I can't say that I ever fantasize about men really, but I do think about it from the perspective of my kids. I definitely wonder about the donor more than I ever thought I would. I feel a weird sort of connection to him even though I don't want to, nor do I think there really would be one were we to meet. I can imagine that for a straight single mother by choice, the feelings about the donor could be pretty strong.

Biology is weird.

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 5, 6, 8, 9, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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Old 08-12-2007, 12:30 PM
 
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For some reason, I could NOT take my eyes off of good-looking men when I was pregnant. Some of them I would gladly have jumped, if they for some reason chose to take an interest in fat pregnant old ladies who look like garden gnomes. Before that I'd never really been interested in men, and I'm not now, either - it was just a weird hormonal thing, I think. DP thought it was funny.
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Old 08-12-2007, 04:29 PM
 
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I wonder if that phenomenon isn't also partly due to cultural messages about families and parenting. Most of us didn't grow up around many two-mom or two-dad families, but we did grow up surrounded with the idea of mom-dad families. Maybe, when we think of ourselves as parents, on some level it's easier than usual for us to imagine ourselves in straight relationships.

I don't think it has to mean anything about who we are. It's easy to think things would be easier than they really would, for example, I like to imagine that being Queen of the World would be fun, but in reality it would be a lot of stress and work.

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Let your life speak. -- George Fox
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Old 08-12-2007, 08:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wonder if that phenomenon isn't also partly due to cultural messages about families and parenting. Most of us didn't grow up around many two-mom or two-dad families, but we did grow up surrounded with the idea of mom-dad families. Maybe, when we think of ourselves as parents, on some level it's easier than usual for us to imagine ourselves in straight relationships.
I think you may be onto something. Just another reminder that for all our hard work, it is truly difficult (maybe impossible) to undo all that social conditioning. It's always a bit challenging to have these realisations - as dykes, we're so used to challenging others and subversively (or not so subversively) enjoying it. It's strange when the shoe is on the other foot. The dominant paradigm is really really sticky!

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Old 08-14-2007, 04:55 PM
 
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I've totally gone through this! it seems to come in waves.

for me, I think a lot of it is tied up in my gender (it took me awhile to figure that i was attracted to a lot of genetic men as a fag rather than as a dyke, you know), but I do also think that a lot of is tied up in cultural messaging about families and child-rearing, as someone already mentioned. It coincided with several things for me -- being in extremely heteronormative environments (a conservative graduate school, and teaching in public high schools), being in a relationship which was extremely butch-femme (and wanting to rebel against that because I was having trouble identifying the problems), and realizing that I did want to have kids (which was something that I had previously never been interested in).

For me, I am just in awe sometimes of how queer queer can really be. I love it.
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Old 08-15-2007, 12:15 AM
 
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I am technically bisexual but don't have any desire to sleep with men, and have been with my partner monogamously for 15 years now. This month we are ttc again, and my hormones must be off the chart as the two days prior to insemination (therefore my hormones are way up there given that I am doing injectables and have multiple eggs) I have had WILD sex dreams about having sex with men. I mean, really hardcore, do it to me, you get the idea sex dreams. I wake up to them, and it is crazy, the first night I was with Tony Soprano, lol. Ewww! But I guess he hit some wild het sex vibe thing in my body's way of trying to get pregnant. Thankfully my partner was home this morning to oblige me for some fun before our insem this morning, as I was ready to crawl the wall for it. So yeah, I guess hormones can do crazy things.
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Old 08-15-2007, 12:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Jwebbal View Post
I am technically bisexual but don't have any desire to sleep with men, and have been with my partner monogamously for 15 years now. This month we are ttc again, and my hormones must be off the chart as the two days prior to insemination (therefore my hormones are way up there given that I am doing injectables and have multiple eggs) I have had WILD sex dreams about having sex with men. I mean, really hardcore, do it to me, you get the idea sex dreams. I wake up to them, and it is crazy, the first night I was with Tony Soprano, lol. Ewww! But I guess he hit some wild het sex vibe thing in my body's way of trying to get pregnant. Thankfully my partner was home this morning to oblige me for some fun before our insem this morning, as I was ready to crawl the wall for it. So yeah, I guess hormones can do crazy things.
it's ridiculous isn't it?? you don't want to know the thoughts I was having just a minute ago about the IT guy who just installed the new computers at work!!

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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Old 08-15-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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To all of the postings on this thread -

My partner and I have been monogamous for over 8 years and still belive that sexuality is not gender based - but simply based on the person that you are attracted to or fall in love with...

We are aware that love changes with people and hope we can change together. I also believe we are all born bi-sexual and socialized to be heterosexuals. Seems today there is a lot more sexual freedom - which is a fabulous thing! Enjoy your feelings and feel free to be you...

On another note - my dp's mom (not-in-law) brought up a similar conversation recently. She told me she has concerns that when I get pregnant the "natural" hormones will take over and I will want to be with men. In her own way this is a very sweet setiment - she has grown to adore me and does not want the relationship to end. She understands our feelings on bisexuality and our love for each other, but still fears the "natural" (or what I call socialized) feelings.

Strange world -
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