Anyone come out *after* having kid(s)? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 48 Old 08-11-2007, 02:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Talk to me. :
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#2 of 48 Old 08-12-2007, 02:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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K then, would the next mod who happens by this please delete it then? :
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#3 of 48 Old 08-12-2007, 02:50 AM
 
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my mom came out when i was 14 or 15 , it was so not a big deal for our family and we all already kind of knew.
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#4 of 48 Old 08-12-2007, 05:25 AM
 
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pming you
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#5 of 48 Old 08-12-2007, 10:53 PM
 
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I did! Both me and DW came out post-kids.

Granted, I had DD at 19, and she had her DD at 20, but she didn't come out until she was 23, and I didn't come out until I was 21.

Anything specific you have questions/need support on? We're here, not ignoring you, I just think there's a little less activity on this board on the weekend since we're not all bored at work sitting around surfing the net.
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#6 of 48 Old 08-12-2007, 11:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Woot, thanks to those who replied or PMed!

To make a really long, boring story short, my queer biography in bulleted points:

*I grew up in a miserable, conservative environment with a screwed up family that didn't like me very much.
*I had a sorta-gf in high school, a flaming gay "boyfriend," and hung out almost exclusively with gays, lesbians, and bisexuals but was really in denial and had a stereotyped idea of what being lesbian meant and figured since I was geeky and liked flowers I couldn't really be a dyke. I wasn't a cheerleader, but same idea.
*Once I got to college I joined the GLBT group but also met like, the only boy in the history of the universe I could see myself living with AND who also liked girls. We moved in together at 18 and married in our early 20s.
*I realized I was a lesbian at 19 but felt incredible loyalty to dh since he is and was my best friend and the person who saved me from my oppressive family and hometown. So I came out as "bi."
*I had a crisis and came out as lesbian right after we married but it blew up in my face and I got smashed to smithereens by my supposedly "tolerant" liberal family and some ill-chosen "friends."
*Went back in...tried out transgenderism (maybe I like dh because I'm really a gay man in a female body! : ) decided that was NOT a good idea for me and went
*Biological alarm clock went off, got pg, had dd, didn't discuss this issue at ALL for almost two years, also didn't "DTD" more than a handful of times once I'd conceived.
*Marriage was a tense, miserable mess the whole time we were trying to be "normal."
*Recently came to the realization that I was going to be a miserable, bitchy closet case for the rest of my life unless I just learned how to be OK with being a lesbian and go on with life as such and stop trying to force myself to be a hetero wife.

DH is the very definition of supportive and understanding. I've been totally open with him about every little bump in the road since the day we met. He absolutely supports me no matter what I choose to do and above all else we want to keep things consistent and calm for dd. People might flame me for this but right now we want to keep the marriage intact for coparenting reasons. We still trust each other and there's no rift, and we don't want to move apart since we're students--I'm planning on doing another two years of grad school too--and money is tight. Might as well coexist in the same household to save cash and make life easier for the poor little toddler in the middle of this whole thing. We also don't want the whole "grandparents rights" door to open, since both families are kind of : But it's going to be a marriage on paper, only, a marriage of friends and coparents, not romantic partners. Someday when life is less chaotic, we'll both date.

If anyone wants to flame me for the marriage thing, whew, I'm glad I'm on MDC because I don't think they allow that here. I've been clobbered before on this topic. :

What I am reaching out for is, stupid as this might sound, someone to tell me that I will live through this, the dust will settle, and I will feel much better. Right now I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I'm relieved that I don't have to keep forcing myself into a role and a life and a set of activities I am very uncomfortable with. I'm excited about the possibilities that lie ahead. I'm planning and making goals and feeling like I am ALIVE again. But OTOH I feel a lot of shame and guilt, some of it related to my upbringing, some related to my prior bad experiences, some just related to me being a person who blames herself for everything. And I am afraid that I will be making life too hard for my daughter--not so much by being lesbian, but by also having the baggage of being "weird" even for a lesbian, having the amicable ex-hetero-partner hanging around and all, etc. And I'm afraid that she'll be lonely because most other families gay or straight won't be like hers, and I'm afraid I'll be lonely and cast out and...bla bla bla insert Morrissey lyrics here.

So that's the long version of the short version I guess. Heh.
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#7 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 12:38 AM
 
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BSD - I cannot offer anything useful in the way of shared experience so I won't hijack your thread except to say 2 things -
1 - I cannot imagine anyone here wanting to flame you for this (even if they were allowed too )
&
2 - You will live through this. You already are living through this.
ok, 3 things
3 - This is exciting. Change is great. Change that acknowledges and is proactive about who you are and where you want to be is really really exciting. I'm excited for you.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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#8 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 01:03 AM
 
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Woot, thanks to those who replied or PMed!


So that's the long version of the short version I guess. Heh.
Fwiw, I've seen weirder situations, and at least you respect each other. Whatever works works, right? Who cares what anybody else thinks.

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#9 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 03:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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That's what I keep trying to tell myself. If I repeat it enough times, maybe it will stick.

Thanks, both of you. Every little bit helps!
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#10 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 04:39 AM
 
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Well, I know I speak for many when I say you are much loved, worshiped and adored here. If the rest of the world doesn't get it, their loss.

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#11 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 10:09 AM
 
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Yay for finally figuring out a part of who you are! And super-yay to having a DH who's not flipping out over the whole thing, but willing to put DD's needs first. That is really such a HUGE portion of the battle.

I'm not going to flame you for choosing to stay..."co-habitated" with DH, but I do wonder how seeing other people will impact how you and DH feel about the situation, as well as how it affects DD. This has nothing to do with you identifying as lesbian but living with a DH, but would apply to anyone that you'd essentially broken up with but remained living together. So please don't take it as a flame on your decisions.

You can/will get through this, you are NOT the weirdest person on the planet, and don't expect yourself to figure out every last detail ASAP! It will take some time for you to figure out what's best for you and for DD. As long as everyone's content for the time being, you're doing great!
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#12 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 12:13 PM
 
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BSD, you are getting good advice here, yeah to you for your realizations. I think it will be confusing for people, but coming out is such a wonderful thing in the long run. My advice? Get you butt to my lesbian moms list, I would love to see you there, and I think you would find it helpful, as well as a supportive community for a smart, opinionated, outspoken, going through some serious changes and needing support and advice, married to a man but loving women (we have a few bisexuals who are partnered or dating men and the list supports them like everyone else).

http://groups.queernet.org/cgi-bin/m...er=&extra=moms
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#13 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 02:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
Well, I know I speak for many when I say you are much loved, worshiped and adored here. If the rest of the world doesn't get it, their loss.
:

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Originally Posted by girlie1125 View Post

I'm not going to flame you for choosing to stay..."co-habitated" with DH, but I do wonder how seeing other people will impact how you and DH feel about the situation, as well as how it affects DD. This has nothing to do with you identifying as lesbian but living with a DH, but would apply to anyone that you'd essentially broken up with but remained living together. So please don't take it as a flame on your decisions.
You mean confusing for me/dd or confusing for people in the community, or both? It's definitely not my first choice, fwiw. Ideally we'd live in the two halves of a duplex, or down the street from each other, or something like that. But right now finances allow us to stay in a decent apartment with enough money left over to get by and have a few extras. Splitting up the living situation would just necessitate me finding a roommate (who could be trusted around dd, no less), so it doesn't seem like the greatest option until I've finished school and have a decent job.

I've hit my undergraduate limit for student aid so for this school year I am getting just enough to pay tuition, buy books, and cover part of the bills. Hopefully next year I can be a TA.

As far as any romantic spark between me and dh lingering, we haven't even slept in the same bed since right after dd was born. I used to kind of weep and worry over him being with someone else and now I am just like, go for it dude, you deserve to have satisfaction in life. We honestly couldn't be a whole lot more platonic if we tried. I think that should eliminate a lot of the confusion that comes up living with an ex.

And this probably sounds ridiculous but I feel like my hands are kind of tied regarding divorce so I need to make the best of what I have for now. We don't have the money to do the separate domicile thing and likely won't until dd is 3 or 4. In our state, at the time of divorce any "interested parties" but especially grandparents can petition for visitation rights. It's almost a sure thing that his (hostile, nutty) mom and my (hostile, nutty, abusive) dad would be on that like white on rice. I just feel so strongly that I cannot risk that. Not to mention I'd rather have dd's dad as my "next of kin" at this point than any of my crazy, homophobic family members. He is the only person in my entire life on earth who has really made me feel safe. He is family to me, even if he's not blood and he's not my lover.

I really want to just make lemonade from these challenges but I am afraid people will just think it's more denial or something. My ideal is for our strange little family to grow, not for it to fly apart into a zillion pieces. While I don't identify as poly I have known a lot of poly people and have kind of taken a page from their book when it comes to thinking of new ways to make a family. I don't want the classic splintering scenario where mom gets a girlfriend and an apartment on one side of town and dad gets an apartment and a girlfriend on the other side of town and kid shuttles back and forth. And mom lives in borderline poverty and is stressed because of the wage gap, and dad pays child support and is stressed and bla bla bla. I want an alternative where instead of fragmentation and isolation and insecurity there's cooperation and friendship and community and taking care of each other. And I want to find a partner who understands that vision and can accept it and embrace it too. I think I can find her, I know it won't be easy, but I know I'm not the only one dreaming of something different.

And I am ok at this point with being single for a long time if I have to. It won't stop me from being who I am, from getting involved in the community and specifically the lesbian community, or from being happy.

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BSD, you are getting good advice here, yeah to you for your realizations. I think it will be confusing for people, but coming out is such a wonderful thing in the long run. My advice? Get you butt to my lesbian moms list, I would love to see you there, and I think you would find it helpful, as well as a supportive community for a smart, opinionated, outspoken, going through some serious changes and needing support and advice, married to a man but loving women (we have a few bisexuals who are partnered or dating men and the list supports them like everyone else).

http://groups.queernet.org/cgi-bin/m...er=&extra=moms
Thank you, I will check that out!
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#14 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 02:45 PM
 
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toad and I lived together for many months after we split up. I hope it goes better for you than it did for us.
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#15 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 03:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If you don't mind elaborating, what were some of the challenges for you? I'm hoping that because we don't have anything against each other, we're just romantically incompatible, we'll be able to avoid some of those issues. But maybe I'm naive.
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#16 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 03:20 PM
 
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If you don't mind elaborating, what were some of the challenges for you?
Honestly, I think most of our challenges were due to:

1) Lack of clear communication regarding deadlines for moving.
2) Lack of ability to enforce agreements.
3) Carry-over of our relationship issues into our non-relationship status.
4) Lack of legal anything (we weren't married, which made things way more complicated than they might have been).

toad has some very serious mental health issues and refused treatment and medication for them, which made things a lot more complicated than they might have been, I think. I don't want to drag her through the mud or anything, so if you want more details, I'm happy to continue the conversation with you over PM or email.
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#17 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 04:43 PM
 
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just wanted to say 'best of luck'.

i don't think your situation is all that unusual (maybe my own life has similar undercurrents?), and i can't see why anyone in the world would want to flame you for it.
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#18 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 05:08 PM
 
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just wanted to say 'best of luck'.

i don't think your situation is all that unusual (maybe my own life has similar undercurrents?), and i can't see why anyone in the world would want to flame you for it.
I agree, best of luck! This thread is inspirational.

I have seen people say that if you id as lesbian and are married to a man you will incur some : - I've seen this specifically posted (with that smilie) in TAO and possibly here. I appreciate the more open attitude I'm seeing on this thread, it may motivate me to post more. Thanks BSD!
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#19 of 48 Old 08-13-2007, 05:20 PM
 
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It sounds like you've created a friendship partnering with sort of stbxDH - I think you'll have to work on how to address one another

It sounds like your DD will grow up with a family that is full of love/support for each person and the idea that with people you care about YOU get to determine how they integrate (or in the case of your crazy family members) or don't integrate into your lives. It's a great example, IMO.

Since you don't share a room or a bed it's really just saying out loud what you are doing - giving words and power to your true feelings. Thats a great step!

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
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#20 of 48 Old 08-14-2007, 04:13 PM
 
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BSD - I guess I meant primarily in terms of: When one/both of you start dating, if either of you has any resentment because of that, DD will sense the tension going around. I only meant it as something to consider, further down the line. Although I do think some potential g/fs might take a while to adjust to the situation as well. But if someone is the right person for you, they'll come to know and understand you enough to see your true motivations.

I understand your desire not to 'shuffle' DD around. Honestly, though, I think the hardest part of that (for the kids) is dealing with the parents...ugliness? unwillingness to cooperate? It doesn't sound like you would have that problem with DH. Just saying that if things ever feel tense/awkward/suffocating/not good about the current arrangement, as long as you and DH are willing to put her needs first, separate living arrangements can be a better situation than everyone under one roof but miserable.

PLEASE NOTE I'm not trying to imply that your current situation is miserable! It sounds like the two of you really are trying to put DDs needs first and can handle this arrangement gracefully. I'm only pointing this out because I stayed with DD's father longer that I should have out of a desire to "not divide" DD between his place and mine. It was not the happiest situation, and once I did break it off/leave, I saw how much happier I (and therefore DD) was.
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#21 of 48 Old 08-14-2007, 11:53 PM
 
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PMed you with a link.

Oye Yemaya oloto
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#22 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 01:04 PM
 
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Well I just came here to look for a post like this.

How can one explore their sexuality while married? That isn't exactly how I mean it but what does one do when they have on going desires for an intimate relationship with someone (no one specific and no idea even how to meet someone) of the same gender that can not be fulfilled by the marriage? I don't even know how to ask this but it is hard to know that a part of self is suppressed and may never be freed.
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#23 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 01:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For me I know because in order to even pretend I am ok with a het relationship I have to actively surpress a lot of feelings. Attraction to women, crushes on women, and negative feelings about heterosexual activity and dynamics.

I don't think you have to go out and try sex with different people to know what you want. For some people that may help, but I don't think it's a necessary step in determining your sexual orientation.
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#24 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 02:23 PM
 
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How can one explore their sexuality while married? That isn't exactly how I mean it but what does one do when they have on going desires for an intimate relationship with someone (no one specific and no idea even how to meet someone) of the same gender that can not be fulfilled by the marriage? I don't even know how to ask this but it is hard to know that a part of self is suppressed and may never be freed.
Very, very carefully, and with your eyes wide open to the fact that a whole lot of lesbians are going to be extremely cautious if they will even consider being involved with you sexually while you're married to a man.
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#25 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 02:56 PM
 
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momuveight2B- Another warning. My first "time" with a woman was one of those semi-drunken sessions with a very dear friend that started out as a 'massage'. Yeah. I had been wondering since I was a little girl if I was gay, but had a serious boyfriend from 14 on, so never really delved into it. Well, after my session with my friend, I decided I was most definitely NOT a lesbian. Maybe a little bi-curious, but only for bedroom escapades, and NOT for relationships.

About 3 years later I accepted the proposal from my now DW.

Turns out it wasn't lesbian sex I didn't like, but 'awkward sex with someone you have to face in a non-sexual manner every day' that turned me off.

I don't know how fully you can explore that aspect of your sexuality if you're in a monogamous relationship. The whole "let's try a threesome, hon!" might get you in the sack with another woman (and your DH, and all the drama *that* can cause) but it won't tell you if the idea of a relationship...of love...with a woman appeals to you.

If that makes any sense whatsoever. :
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#26 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 03:31 PM
 
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PMing you. Wow this sounds familiar.
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#27 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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*sigh*

Treading lightly here...

For me this is about way more than "do I think I'd enjoy sex with another woman"? I've been in love with women, and I know my own inner life well enough that I don't feel like I'll go out on a date with someone and have an awful time and from that decide "oh gosh, I guess I am straight after all!" No. This is about way more than just curiousity or "sexual exploration" for me.

I wish everyone luck on their own journies but I would appreciate it if this could NOT become a discussion of "bi curious" or threesomes or what have you. Regardless of what timeline or shape the legal and practical changes to my life take, my romantic relationship with a man is over. My issue would not be solved by trying threesomes or one night stands on the side. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of such, actually and would appreciate it if this thread didn't drift there.

Sorry if I sound pissy, I'm just...sensitive about this.
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#28 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 03:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I mean at this point I am thrilled even at the idea of being a single lesbian mom, in a lot of ways this is as much about what I don't want as it is about what I do want.

I don't know. Feeling...misunderstood.
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#29 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 04:20 PM
 
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BSD - My post was meant for the other person! I'm so sorry if you took any offense from it, that's not what I meant at all! I was not trying to imply that you (or momuv8, for that matter) don't know what you want/who you are. I was only trying to share some of my experience with (a botched attempt) figuring out my sexuality while in a monogamous, het relationship. Its a very tricky line to tread, was my only point.

I in no way meant to imply that you're 'on the fence' or anything like that, and again, I'm very sorry if my post offended.
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#30 of 48 Old 08-15-2007, 04:37 PM
 
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[QUOTE=BelgianSheepDog;8906918could NOT become a discussion of "bi curious" or threesomes or what have you. .[/QUOTE]

That is absolutely not where I am coming from. That is why it is so hard to even post something that has been put out of my head for a long time.

For me it has to be one or the other and right now I can't give up my current lifestyle but that doesn't mean I am 100% comfortable. It isn't even about sex so much as about wanting to feel connected in a very different way than is available with my husband. It could never involve him and I am not free to enter into anything else. I do know who I am and I have decided to sacrifice some parts of myself so that other areas can be fulfilled. I had opportunities to figure that out in the seventies before I was married and since then many things have changed in our society.

BSD~ Don't want to interfere in your thread. I'm sorry if it came across that way.
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