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#1 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 08:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone!

I'm curious as to what you did with last names in your family.

When DP and I have been talking about it, she's wanting me to take her name and give it to future kids.

What did you do?

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#2 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 09:49 AM
 
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Though I love my parents, I've always hated my maiden name and happily chose to take my partners name (even though it was harder to pronounce and spell). We wanted to do it before we had kids so that everyone had the same last name.
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#3 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 11:10 AM
 
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We're still discussing it, but we've put TTC plans on hold, so that gives us extra time! I will probably hyphenate my last name with my partner's and give my kids the hyphenated name. We have seriously Germanic sounding last names, however, so we've discussed using the last name of our potential donor as well.
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#4 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 12:26 PM
 
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I've discussed this with some friends who have hyphenated names, two last names, or their father's last name - but not their mother's. What I've hear from them is that it's diffucult to have a hyphen because some forms don't allow hyphens as a character option for a last name. Also, giving a hyphenated last name to someone over the phone has caused some confusion.
A woman with two last names said that the first one never gets used, so it ends up more like a middle name.
Another woman with a different last name from her mother, said it caused confusion in school with the signing of permission slips and checks and things.

We talked about creating a new last name using the first syllable of my name and the last of hers, but that doesn't come out too pretty.

So, I think in the end we will just combine my last name with hers. Run it all together in one word, but leave the first letter of both last names capitalized. I know it may seem a little strange, but our last names work out well for this. It ends up being a name like BlackWell(just an example).

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#5 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 01:21 PM
 
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My wife is giving birth in DC, and the baby can only take the mother or father's name (i.e. not mine), so he will have my wife's last name. I may change my last name to my wife's last name at some point, but haven't made any steps to do that so far. I'm cool with being known as the (my wife's last name) Family, though. I would definitely change my name if things don't go smoothly with schools, doctors, etc, but I know lots of couples with different last names and it doesn't seem to matter.
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#6 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 01:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pranava View Post
We talked about creating a new last name using the first syllable of my name and the last of hers, but that doesn't come out too pretty.

So, I think in the end we will just combine my last name with hers. Run it all together in one word, but leave the first letter of both last names capitalized. I know it may seem a little strange, but our last names work out well for this. It ends up being a name like BlackWell(just an example).
DP and I have been debating this issue as well, though we're not under the gun yet to come up with a solution. We can combine our names in a number of amusing, but not particularly practical, combinations - i.e. Elfu, Fuel, Eltrell, or, our favorite, Fukins. And combining our entire names into one long name is cumbersome. I suppose by the time we have to put something on the dotted line that we'll come up with something.
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#7 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 02:24 PM
 
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I grew up in a family with two different last names (half-brothers, though we usually forget that part), so it doesn't bother me to have different names. My partner felt strongly, though, that she wanted one family name. She didn't mind changing hers, but I wanted to keep mine. Because of all that, and because she was the one giving birth, changing her last name to my last name made sense: we'd all have one name, and the baby would be born with that name. She kept all her birth names and added my family name on the end.

I would have been completely happy to have different names, and I was surprised by how having one family name made us feel more official somehow. I think when you have so few legally recognized ways to come out and say "Hey, we're a family!", things that wouldn't otherwise seem important can start to feel important.

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#8 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 02:33 PM
 
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I like that LA Mayor who merged his name with the wife's idea....

Villa and Rigosa to Villarigosa ?

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#9 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 03:09 PM
 
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I took Dw's name and all the kids did too. We like that we all have the same name, and I was happy to see my maiden name go (my sisters had already gotten rid of it even though neither of them were married or had kids yet, lol). It was helpful for dw's family that the kids had their same last name since I am the bio mom.

HTH!

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#10 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 03:38 PM
 
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I, too, changed my last name to DW's last name shortly after we were married. I did not have a strong attachment to my maiden name, although it was a pretty cool last name. It is important to me that we have a family name because it may help with school, doctors, etc. Plus, it has become almost certain due to DW's breast cancer and subsequent menopause that I will be the biomom to all of our children. Since I am going to be biomom, we can all have DW's last name.

Truth be told, I liked my maiden name better than DW's name, but keeping her name was more important to her than it was to me. And I really like getting mail addressed to the Lastname Family. It makes me smile.
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#11 of 59 Old 09-02-2007, 07:52 PM
 
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I took my wife's name when we got married. She has a much easier to pronounce Anglicized name (very common) and my maiden name was long, German and hard for a lot of people to pronounce. She cared about her name (which I think is funny since it is so common), and I wasn't opposed to losing mine. Hyphenating was never, ever an option. It would have been over 15 letters!

Our kids will have our family name. I like it even more since I will be the biomom and want her to feel connected as much as possible.
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#12 of 59 Old 09-03-2007, 12:32 AM
 
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I have noticed lots of younger lesbian couples taking the same last name, and I have to say, I like it. If we didn't both have professional associations with our last names, not to mention being in our 40's, I think we might consider taking the same last name. We didn't want to saddle our daughter with what would be a long, cumbersome hyphenated name though. Solution? We gave her two middle names, the second one being my partner's last name. We didn't really care what our daughter's surname was, so we picked the name that was first in the alphabet! My daughter knows her "full name" that includes my partner's last name, (first/middle/partner's last name/my last name) and it's useful on forms when we want to emphasize the relationship, but she also has a "short name" (first/last) that's not too long and clumsy.
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#13 of 59 Old 09-03-2007, 12:45 AM
 
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I'm the biomom, and we're giving the baby my name. I'd be open to giving the baby her name, but she doesn't have any attachment to her last name really. It's her biodad's name, who hasn't been in her life since infancy. She doesn't share the name with her mom (remarried), her (half) sister, her (step) grandma, or any of the other folks she cares about so it's not a big deal for her.

I on the other hand have a large family and a long history, and we both want the baby to feel as much a part of that as possible. Our kids would be a part of the family no matter what name they had, of course, but that connection just seemed more important than her last name.

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#14 of 59 Old 09-03-2007, 05:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Soo many responses! WOW!

Erika SO to *S*: and Aunt to *A*(10), *Z*(9), and *D*(8)
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#15 of 59 Old 09-03-2007, 07:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay I finally got a chance to read them all and I am amazed at the different things that everyone has come up with!

Me and DP both realized that if we don't have a little boy together(via me or adoption) that our family names will die! That was kinda what was a big deal.

though now things may be changing with my family.

I'm kinda feeling like I need to detach from my family and take on DP's name.

Erika SO to *S*: and Aunt to *A*(10), *Z*(9), and *D*(8)
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#16 of 59 Old 09-03-2007, 01:18 PM
 
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DW is an only daughter, with an 11-letter last name, and i am one of two (my brother has three kids) with a 5-letter last name. we were married in quebec, which, while it is more than willing to give you the option to marry legally, does not allow a wife to change her name to her husband/partner's name for no other reason reason than marriage (this is currently being challenged in the canadian courts). so we used both last names as our DS's last name. that way he has the option to use the shortest possible combination of letters (4+5) for his name. then again, we also gave him three names before his two last names, so i guess we aren't really doing too well on the "keeping the letters down" front!
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#17 of 59 Old 09-03-2007, 07:58 PM
 
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My partner and I both were never very fond of our given names. Mine was just bad. her's was misspelled and mispronounced often. Shortly after our wedding in CA, we changed both our names to my Maternal Grandmother's given name. Unfortunately, that side of the family is Sicilian and our new name is mispronounced way more than my partner's was before. LOL. Our son was born in July with my Grandmother's name. We both felt it has been helpful w/ doctors and such to share a family name.
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#18 of 59 Old 09-03-2007, 11:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Did anyone rid themselves of both names and choose a new name together?

Erika SO to *S*: and Aunt to *A*(10), *Z*(9), and *D*(8)
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#19 of 59 Old 09-04-2007, 12:23 AM
 
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We are thinking of giving the baby her last name since I will carry it. Its much shorter than mine and mine is often misspelled as well which is very anoying.

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#20 of 59 Old 09-04-2007, 10:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ErikaLeigh View Post
I'm curious as to what you did with last names in your family.
After we were married I changed my last name to DW's last name. We wanted to all have the same last name because for us it was just an extra step in validating us as a family since we have no laws here in SC to protect us and also for the many reasons listed by others above. We chose DW's last name because I had no attachment to mine.

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#21 of 59 Old 09-04-2007, 11:23 AM
 
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When we got married she took my name, mostly because I'm working on my doctorate and always imagined I'd be "Dr. MyLastName". It was really easy in MA because we're legally married and everything was done and changed in about six weeks. Unfortunately, fast forward a few years and she just applied for a passport and was told that the federal gov't won't recognize her name change because her marriage license is invalid. We really never saw that coming as social security had no problem with it... Grrr!
Sorry to hijack your thread, I'm just so frustrated with it all. Now I have my passport and she still has to do a bunch more paperwork and than have special notations on her passport for the next ten years!
I still think that this was the best choice for us though, now I can't say "oh that's such a 'mylastname' thing" cause she's one too!
good luck!

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#22 of 59 Old 09-04-2007, 03:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by osker
When we got married she took my name, mostly because I'm working on my doctorate and always imagined I'd be "Dr. MyLastName". It was really easy in MA because we're legally married and everything was done and changed in about six weeks. Unfortunately, fast forward a few years and she just applied for a passport and was told that the federal gov't won't recognize her name change because her marriage license is invalid. We really never saw that coming as social security had no problem with it... Grrr!
Sorry to hijack your thread, I'm just so frustrated with it all. Now I have my passport and she still has to do a bunch more paperwork and than have special notations on her passport for the next ten years!
I still think that this was the best choice for us though, now I can't say "oh that's such a 'mylastname' thing" cause she's one too!
good luck!
That's interesting to know about. I legally changed my name about 6 months before we got legally married, and I was bummed that I had had to go through the whole complicated (and expensive) process when if I'd just waited, it would have been easy and free. But I guess that until gay marriage is federally supported, we will continue to have to go about these things (adoption, name changes) the hard way.

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#23 of 59 Old 09-04-2007, 05:40 PM
 
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That is good to know. I am getting ready to re-new my passport and thought that my MA marriage license would suffice for the name change. I suppose I'll try it out and if it doesn't work go through all the paperwork.
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#24 of 59 Old 09-05-2007, 03:25 AM
 
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My partner and I had no attachment to our original names (or families of origin for that matter) so we changed them to an entirely new name that we both have. And now our new daughter does too. I also know of two other couples who both changed their last namesne was Song (so pretty) and the other Being
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#25 of 59 Old 09-05-2007, 10:16 AM
 
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Your MA license definitely won't be enough, I've now heard of lots of people having this same issue.
When you go to renew your passport you should ask for a "known-as" application form. Apparently this is how MA is recommending you get around the DOMA. If you go to the post office they'll have it there and you fill it out to have both your maiden name and married name on your passport. Once five years have passed since you changed your name you can file again and have it just say your married name. When you apply you should do this to save yourself the extra paperwork and time later!!
good luck!

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#26 of 59 Old 09-05-2007, 08:47 PM
 
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Interesting to note about MA!!!

I am in Canada, and we are not legally married (we are common-law, as defined by the federal government).
My DP is male identified, but before he came out as 'trans' we had talked about kids and our last names. I told him I had no intention of changing my last name, and would like our kids to have it. He feels attached to his last name, as the family has weird familial issues but he feels he is the last one (of the talking relatives) to carry the last name, and wants to pass it on.
In the end, we decided that if the child(ren) will have my genes, they can have his last name - to represent their connection to that part of the family.
Only yesterday did I first acknowledge (to someone other than myself) that I may end up changing my last name eventually, if it becomes too confusing with institutions that don't recognize me as the mother of our child(ren), due to the last name. I guess only time will tell

Different strokes for different folks
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#27 of 59 Old 09-06-2007, 05:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So many responses and everyone is so different!

Wow and Thanks!

I think I am just going to take DP's name. I like it and the way that it sounds with my first name too!

Erika SO to *S*: and Aunt to *A*(10), *Z*(9), and *D*(8)
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#28 of 59 Old 09-06-2007, 02:14 PM
 
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We are both attached to our last names, and decided that since my partner is the non-bio mom, any child I gave birth to would have her last name (and vice versa, if she would give birth to a child). It has been no issue at all for me to have a different last name than my daughter, with schools, hospitals, doctors, or any other institutional setting (I think it's quite common with straight families where women keep their names--no one even blinks an eye.).
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#29 of 59 Old 09-06-2007, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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awesome idea!

Erika SO to *S*: and Aunt to *A*(10), *Z*(9), and *D*(8)
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#30 of 59 Old 09-07-2007, 03:03 PM
 
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we don't have kids yet but we each plan to carry one. we don't like the idea of hyphenating because of the long-name burden for our kids. we're also each against changing our own names.

we're not totally sure that we'll do this, but the current plan is to give the child that my partner carries my last name and the one that i carry her last name. has anyone done this? i think it seems like a good idea in theory but i'm a little concerned that the kids might be confused by it (having different last names from each other).

my brother and i were raised by our mother who had a different last name as us. i don't think it really caused problems, though she'd sometimes write out a hyphenated name for herself on school forms and things to make it clear (even though she didn't legally change her name).

anyway, interesting discussion.
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