Wanted: One Known Donor - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 44 Old 11-27-2007, 10:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello this is Matchterr's DW.
I am typing because she handed me the laptop. We are temping, have the OPK's and the changing table set up. BUT, we need the secret ingredient. Is there, by word of mouth, anyone in the Boston area avail and willing to help us out?

We don't want to use a bank, but we don't really have any guy friends (or know many guys in general) who could help us in our quest. :

Ok back to Matchterr....
Thanks for listening!
:
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#2 of 44 Old 11-27-2007, 10:43 PM
 
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Oh gracious, this is such a hard thing, isn't it? I figured your sig was about that, which I love and cracks me up!

Have you tried craigslist? Or I know there's a local guy at knowndonor.org, or something like that. A bit strange that he sort of makes it his mission in life to donate.

Are you certain it has to be a KD? There's NE cryobank really close.....I know you say you want a KD, but perhaps it's not in the cards? It often takes a very particular relationship for it to work (but definitely not always!). I'd perhaps give a second consideration to frozen....

good luck!
megin

Mommy to an amazing 8 year old, wife to an inspiring principal, and welcoming Wylie Grace! Our July 4th babe!
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#3 of 44 Old 11-27-2007, 11:00 PM
 
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We too are in the Boston area, but sad to say, have no known donors we know of. We had someone in mind, but the last time I saw him he was complaining about how he couldn't possibly move to a different country because he takes "lots of pills" every day and he wasn't sure where he would get them down there!
... the more I think about it, I think he had an idea where I might be headed and was cutting me off before I could even ask!

Good luck, I heartily endorse Northwest Cryobank if you decide to go with frozen and want it shipped to your house!

K, H, and baby E (who is now three!!!)
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#4 of 44 Old 11-27-2007, 11:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We aren't for sure, other than financial reasons. But we are sure that we don't want the 'Who's my dad?' questions that we have no answer for. Since we don't know any or hang out with males, this way they can have more than familial influence. Did that come out right?

Thanks for responding even though no unknown of options came of it. This just is too difficult. Not in the regular way to complain about it. I just you know, wish it could oops. Hell I would have three by now if that were the case.

The match half of Matchterr.

The terr half wants to make mention that we investigated those routes so far.
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#5 of 44 Old 11-28-2007, 12:34 AM
 
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Have I given you this advice before? Sorry if I have...

Consider sending out an email to all the women in your life asking if they know anyone. List exactly what it is that you're looking for - what you're prepared to negotiate on and what you're not.

We did this and ended up with 3 possibilities (though we ended up going with a friend who we had not previously considered)

Good Luck - it's such a hard process but so completely worthwhile.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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#6 of 44 Old 11-28-2007, 09:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We have spoken to a couple of people, but we haven't had much luck that route really. DW's aunt knows a great guy... but has issues asking or something.... I don't blame her... we aren't really sure about that either I guess. A friend in NJ said she would look around for us. My ex volunteered himself (of course he wants me to have one for him too), but DW said no go (and I pretty much agreed). She also found a willing donor from Vancouver, but I vetoed that one. Why must we be so freakin' picky?

OK we're off to enjoy our "bad for us food"
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#7 of 44 Old 11-29-2007, 06:55 AM
 
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My ex volunteered himself (of course he wants me to have one for him too), but DW said no go (and I pretty much agreed). She also found a willing donor from Vancouver, but I vetoed that one. Why must we be so freakin' picky?

OK we're off to enjoy our "bad for us food"
You have to be picky! Using a KD can be complicated. If either one of you is even slightly uncomfortable with a donor-you have to nix it (IMHO). DP and I made a list of all of our male friends-and went through pros and cons. I think though because we just put our intention out there, we ended up finding our KD just by talking about our desire to have a child. We figured out that our friend wanted to be a donor-so it worked out. I say put your intention out there-get the word out-you might find someone faster than you think! But please BE PICKY!!

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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#8 of 44 Old 11-29-2007, 04:37 PM
 
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I found my kd on craigslist! I can't really recommend this process to anyone because it is technically not allowed to advertise for bodily fluids on craigslist. But we did and we found a great guy (after weeding through a lot of crazy responses!) who has no interest in being financially rewarded. Since finding him we have met two guys at a friend's party who are interested in being donors for us if anything changes with our current kd. I've found that asking around, talking about the fact that you are looking for kds and knowing your boundaries and limits you want in a kd relationship can bring unexpected results.

We used Brills "The Ultimate Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth" as a resource for our negotiations with our kd.

Queer poly family trying since October 2006. Currently using a known donor and no medical interventions.
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#9 of 44 Old 11-29-2007, 05:28 PM
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hey match and terr,

just wanted to let you know that I "myspaced" both of the Boston males I know and a good lady friend in Cambridge to see if she knows anybody.

No harm in asking right???:

11/24/08 SMBC with a loving LTR DP in a Queer & Poly relationshiploving my new baby Kale Cqolbi Justice!!!!!
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#10 of 44 Old 11-29-2007, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You have to be picky! Using a KD can be complicated. If either one of you is even slightly uncomfortable with a donor-you have to nix it (IMHO). DP and I made a list of all of our male friends-and went through pros and cons. I think though because we just put our intention out there, we ended up finding our KD just by talking about our desire to have a child. We figured out that our friend wanted to be a donor-so it worked out. I say put your intention out there-get the word out-you might find someone faster than you think! But please BE PICKY!!
Thank you for saying that. I think I really needed to hear it. I couldn't explain in words why I didn't want the Canadian donor after we met. The only thing I could up with is that his breath smelled bad! Match thought my ex looked funny (and he does... did then too, sweet guy... just funny looking). We're slowly putting the word out. I even told my mom... and she didn't fall over dead! It will come. I know I will. :

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hey match and terr,

just wanted to let you know that I "myspaced" both of the Boston males I know and a good lady friend in Cambridge to see if she knows anybody.

No harm in asking right???:
You are amazing! Thank you so much. That was so sweet of you. (We also myspace... we put a few feelers out, but haven't received any responses. We kinda felt like Tina and Bet when they were trying to hook up with a guy soley to "steal his sperm.") Please let me know if anyone bites!

Ok...So is there a way to put a rush on finding a donor? Match (who dislikes me calling her DW) is currently putting together a new dresser... for a baby we don't yet have. (This of course in addition to the bins of baby clothes, toys and books we already have).
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#11 of 44 Old 11-29-2007, 11:58 PM
 
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Just wanted to give you a link :

http://www.alternativefamilies.org/afm_services.html

I know the woman who founded this organization, and she has a daughter now (who is like 14 now!) that she conceived with two guys that she coparents with, but didn't know before she started looking for a donor.

good luck

Katie, DW to Megin, Mamma to Quinn (7y.o.) and Wylie, born 07-04-10
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#12 of 44 Old 11-30-2007, 02:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Talked to a donor tonight that hasn't told his wife and won't send a pic only webcam. Hmm. NO right?
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#13 of 44 Old 11-30-2007, 12:14 PM
 
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Talked to a donor tonight that hasn't told his wife and won't send a pic only webcam. Hmm. NO right?
Sounds strange. I'd say it's a no.

Good luck!
megin

Mommy to an amazing 8 year old, wife to an inspiring principal, and welcoming Wylie Grace! Our July 4th babe!
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#14 of 44 Old 11-30-2007, 12:43 PM
 
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I agree-remember picky, picky, picky!

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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#15 of 44 Old 11-30-2007, 03:48 PM
 
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Talked to a donor tonight that hasn't told his wife and won't send a pic only webcam. Hmm. NO right?
No No No! Definitely no!

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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#16 of 44 Old 11-30-2007, 08:48 PM
 
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Talked to a donor tonight that hasn't told his wife and won't send a pic only webcam. Hmm. NO right?
Run. Run like the wind!
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#17 of 44 Old 12-01-2007, 01:07 AM
 
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I'm new to MDC and due in March. I'm not gay but I was curious and nosing around the forums. I stumbled on this thread and it definitely peaked my interest. I asked my DF if he would consider being a donor and he said he would in a heartbeat. We've never talked about it before so we're very curious about how it all works. What sort of criteria, aside from the obvious, would we (he) be up against?
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#18 of 44 Old 12-01-2007, 06:00 AM
 
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I'm new to MDC and due in March. I'm not gay but I was curious and nosing around the forums. I stumbled on this thread and it definitely peaked my interest. I asked my DF if he would consider being a donor and he said he would in a heartbeat. We've never talked about it before so we're very curious about how it all works. What sort of criteria, aside from the obvious, would we (he) be up against?
I think it depends on who you ask. We screened our KD for STD's , and had lots of LONG conversations about him giving up parental rights so that my DP could pursue a second parent adoption (legal in Illinois-not sure about PA).

We were also picky about who it was. The guy we chose is a professional, smart and a kind person. We thought about the genes we were passing on. I know that I nixed my partner's best friend because I just think he has no ambition-and I'd worry about passing that on. (Silly-but it was my criteria).

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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#19 of 44 Old 12-01-2007, 08:43 AM
 
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I don't know anyone in Boston, but if I happen to 'myspace it' with anyone I'll pass the word.

I'll see if any of my gay friends know anyone up that way!

GL!

Erika SO to *S*: and Aunt to *A*(10), *Z*(9), and *D*(8)
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#20 of 44 Old 12-01-2007, 01:01 PM
 
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Can you also perhaps say a bit more about why you don't want to use a bank?

be well,
megin

Mommy to an amazing 8 year old, wife to an inspiring principal, and welcoming Wylie Grace! Our July 4th babe!
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#21 of 44 Old 12-01-2007, 01:03 PM
 
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I think it depends on who you ask. We screened our KD for STD's , and had lots of LONG conversations about him giving up parental rights so that my DP could pursue a second parent adoption (legal in Illinois-not sure about PA).

We were also picky about who it was. The guy we chose is a professional, smart and a kind person. We thought about the genes we were passing on. I know that I nixed my partner's best friend because I just think he has no ambition-and I'd worry about passing that on. (Silly-but it was my criteria).
We'd have to check on the legalities but aside from that I don't think there would be any problem in regard to that issue. My DF is "clean" but he would agree to testing to reassure the family. He's definitely kind and, although he does not possess a major college degree, he's still successful in his career (we're able to live on his income alone) and continues to work toward higher goals - he's actually going back to school now for several certifications. Are there any other criteria that couples typically look for in a donor?
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#22 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 02:10 PM
 
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I'm also curious about why the "no bank" preference... if it's just financial, then I guess I don't understand the hesitation, because really, if someone can't afford a few hundred a month for the sperm (and possibly the inseminations), then there's no way they're going to be able to afford the diapers, formula if needed, baby food, and daycare that comes after the baby gets here!

I know some people talk about "using up our savings on sperm", and I don't really get it, because if they had to use savings on sperm, then how will they pay for the kid's soft-soled shoes, or little cars, or pretty balls, or the other things that they need and want? How will they cover daycare if one of them works? How will they handle the multiple copays that come along with a serious bout of infection or other problems.

I know that many people on this site live simply, and are not into the whole materialistic thing, and I get that - we're not exactly extravagant here either, with hand-me-down furniture for the baby and mostly resale clothes for him, but still, kids cost a lot! And at least in my case, the sperm was only about $200 a vial, the doctor was $150, and shipping was a one-time charge of $60 (four vials at once, used one a month, got pregnant on the fourth and final vial). So it was basically $365 a month to try to get pregnant (plus the OPKs and pregnancy tests, I suppose) - and let me tell you, that's a BARGAIN compared to what we spend now on the little guy (gladly, I might add - I'd rather go broke taking care of him than get rich without him!)

So... that's a long way to say that if it's just financial things that are holding you back from using a bank, you might want to investigate your options and the "facts on the ground", so to speak. Also consider that you'll most likely need to involve an attorney for at least some of the known donor process, as well as possibly covering the donors medical testing, his travel/other costs, etc., so it could possibly end up costing the same or more than a bank.

And let's be real here - there's also the very real possibility that any known donor, no matter HOW kind or HOW many conversations are had, will change his mind and refuse to sign the termination of parental rights - and then no matter how many agreements you have typed up, you've got an (expensive) custody battle on your hands.

So yeah, for me, the check to the sperm bank was a pretty good deal, in many ways... but I understand that not everyone sees it the same way, so good luck with whatever you decide!
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#23 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 04:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm also curious about why the "no bank" preference... if it's just financial, then I guess I don't understand the hesitation, because really, if someone can't afford a few hundred a month for the sperm (and possibly the inseminations), then there's no way they're going to be able to afford the diapers, formula if needed, baby food, and daycare that comes after the baby gets here!
It's not just financial reasons. There a few reasons why we would prefer not to use one. We have given it some thought, it's not that we won't end up going that route, we would just prefer not to. Who knows... maybe we won't find anyone and we will have to go that route because we want a baby that much. We know the cost of a baby. We know the cost of the banks and we don't even want to know the cost of a lawyer. We have a friend who is a lawyer and willing to help us. As you said in your response... Preference... not totally out of the question, but not where we wish to start this journey.
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#24 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 05:20 PM
 
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When you're looking for a KD, do you look for someone who looks like you? I mean would you be open to a donor of a different ethnicity? I ask because I'd want my children to look like me - at least the same race.

Also, how do the legalities work? I realize both parents want rights but do you have to wait until the baby is born before relinquishing rights or can it be done before the birth? DF brought up a concern about the possibility of the family turning around and fighting for child support. Is there something he can do in the form of legal documentation or something to protect himself in the event that that happens?
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#25 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 06:23 PM
 
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matchterr,

I totally get that there's other reasons to be considered... some people are just plain squicked about what sort of guy might donate to a bank, or by the fact that they get paid for their "donation", or by the lack of id if the kid wants to know them later on, or a host of other reasons...

I think that, if we were in a social circle that included more men, we might have at least considered a known donor a bit more seriously, but in the end, I do think it worked out like it should for us. I certainly hope it works out as well for you, as you would like it to... Honestly, I'm thinking that in the Boston area, you at least have a fairly decent chance of it, as there's just a higher level of awarenss/acceptance up here about queer families and the like!

Good luck! (and thanks for not taking my overly logn response personally earlier - the $ part is really more about other posts I've read than your post, it just sparked the response... that and I'm procrastinating on a big work project!)
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#26 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 06:56 PM
 
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When you're looking for a KD, do you look for someone who looks like you? I mean would you be open to a donor of a different ethnicity? I ask because I'd want my children to look like me - at least the same race.

Also, how do the legalities work? I realize both parents want rights but do you have to wait until the baby is born before relinquishing rights or can it be done before the birth? DF brought up a concern about the possibility of the family turning around and fighting for child support. Is there something he can do in the form of legal documentation or something to protect himself in the event that that happens?
Absolutely - I'd be surprised if you found a couple who weren't just as concerned with the rights of the donor and they are their own rights as parents. When you go through all the legalities and get to the point of writing up contracts, it's pretty normal to include an explicit condition that the parents will not claim child support from the donor. And, on the other side, the donor will not ever fight for custody/access of child.

I'm in Australia and not 100% clear on US laws but I think in states where there is second parent adoption, all rights and responsibilities are automatically relinquished by the donor.

PleasantStreets - I don't agree entirely with what you've said - I can imagine a situation where prospective parents would prefer not to use their savings to get pregnant so that they can ensure a reasonable cushion for emergency situations once the child/ren are born. I also think that you need to consider class in queer babymaking situations. Everyone who has the love and commitment to raising children should be able to. As queers, we consider and plan babymaking / child rearing with such detail and intensity and should be trusted to make our own responsible decisions. If someone on a low income wants to have a child, they should be supported and encouraged in doing so. Their finances and associated struggles are their own business as is the case with poor hetero parents.

And then in our case, it's not legal for us to access sperm banks here so we don't have a choice.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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#27 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 07:38 PM
 
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Absolutely - I'd be surprised if you found a couple who weren't just as concerned with the rights of the donor and they are their own rights as parents. When you go through all the legalities and get to the point of writing up contracts, it's pretty normal to include an explicit condition that the parents will not claim child support from the donor. And, on the other side, the donor will not ever fight for custody/access of child.

I'm in Australia and not 100% clear on US laws but I think in states where there is second parent adoption, all rights and responsibilities are automatically relinquished by the donor.
At what point in the process are the contracts drawn up?
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#28 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 08:05 PM
 
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At what point in the process are the contracts drawn up?
Generally before you start the TTC process. Really though, they are drawn up at a mutually agreeable point. However, if you're in a state with second parent adoption, clearly that can't happen until after the child is born. That does not prohibit you from drawing up some kind of legal statement of intention pre TTC.

There are no hard and fast rules with this stuff. It's still such a new area of law and family making and many of us make it up as we go along. You are right to have lots of concerns and questions - communication is THE most important part of a donor/parent relationship and A LOT of it needs to happen before any decisions / commitments are made.

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#29 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 08:30 PM
 
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...I'd want my children to look like me - at least the same race.
Why?
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#30 of 44 Old 12-02-2007, 09:39 PM
 
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Why?
Well, I can't say that I really have a good reason. I just think that if I had a choice I'd prefer someone of the same race. Not to say I'm not open to other options but I'm not in that situation. If I were I'd definitely weigh my decisions more carefully. Sorry, I hope what I said wasn't offensive.
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