Choosing a donor: Let's talk about race - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 45 Old 01-04-2008, 02:36 PM
 
Coco99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Montreal, Qc, Canada
Posts: 910
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Very interesting discussion !

I agree that race isnt what is most important in chosing a donor. However, my love and I have decided to pick a donor our own race for the following reason. My gf comes from a conservative area of the US. For her family, there is already alot of "otherness" to deal with reguarding our relationship... being two girls, her having immigrated to Canada... and now just having a child together will add to that as well. We figured that adding color to the palette was just going to add too much... and we do hope that they will play an active part in our child's life. It takes time to change mentalities, sometimes a progressive approach is necessary... one thing at the time ! So thats why we made our choice this way.

Coco

Celebrating the arrival of our twins twins.gifCharlie & Chloe, born Jan 28th 2011 !

 


 

Coco99 is offline  
#32 of 45 Old 01-04-2008, 04:27 PM
 
Chancita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 84
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Interesting thread here.

I am fair and my partner is native american - we chose an Asian donor.

It has been interesting to me, people's multi-varied responses to our kids. Asian people immediately know that they are "mixed" but many others often do not. My partner has been asked "where she got them," but because she is butch, not because they are "mixed". I have been asked why they don't "look like me" because their hair and eye colors are different. I have countlessly corrected people (inlcuding those within my own family) that "Oriental" is not an appropriate way to describe them. Nor is "chinky". <gasp>.

Interestingly too, there are so many adopted Chinese girls here as well as a large Asian community that I think the racial response is more positive than negative for our children. I don't think this would be the case if they were mixed from using another race.

Another aside, my best friend is latte colored and used a fair donor to match her partner. Their daughter is very fair and she gets the "are you the nanny" question disgustingly often.

Another aside, I'm from Georgia and I just spent almost three years living in Florida. I know it was just an example, but I have to say something about the line regarding choosing where we vacation. We will take our children any where that we feel safe and can reasonably keep them safe. This has included Florida, rural Georgia, the Georgia mountains. It is my experience that there are stupid people, rednecks, homophobes and racists everywhere. That's not to say that sometimes they aren't concentrated, but really, you can encounter those things anywhere. My partner and I were accosted my a homeless man at the Harvey Milk Plaza in San Francisco who started yelling at us for being "effing dykes". Pretty much the last place in the world that I would expect to be targeted for being gay. Assuming that personal safety is not an issue, I think it's important to teach my children how to appropriately respond to homophobes, racists, bigots, etc. Many a burly redneck has backed down when I've turned and said, "I'm a dyke, what's your point?"


Anyway,
just my $.02
Chancita is offline  
#33 of 45 Old 01-04-2008, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
frog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: where footprints dance in the snow
Posts: 9,229
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chancita View Post
Another aside, I'm from Georgia and I just spent almost three years living in Florida. I know it was just an example, but I have to say something about the line regarding choosing where we vacation. We will take our children any where that we feel safe and can reasonably keep them safe. This has included Florida, rural Georgia, the Georgia mountains. It is my experience that there are stupid people, rednecks, homophobes and racists everywhere. That's not to say that sometimes they aren't concentrated, but really, you can encounter those things anywhere.
I was the one who said that and while I hear you, I stand by what I said, both in terms of personal safety and in terms of not intentionally putting my (hypothetical, at this point) kids in harm's way. It's one thing for turtle and me to be denied service (which happened to us in St. Marys, GA)--we're adults and while it's infuriating, it's not the end of the world. It's another thing to take my kids to a place where something like that has happened to me/us.

That's not to say that I'll never vacation in Georgia, but I won't go back to the place where we were treated so poorly, kids or no.
frog is offline  
#34 of 45 Old 01-04-2008, 10:24 PM
 
Kwynne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Sudbury, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coco99 View Post
I agree that race isnt what is most important in chosing a donor.
uh..did you read the thread? I think you may have missed some points.

Quote:
We figured that adding color to the palette was just going to add too much... and we do hope that they will play an active part in our child's life. It takes time to change mentalities, sometimes a progressive approach is necessary... one thing at the time ! So thats why we made our choice this way.
As I've said before this always bothers me. Adding "colour" would be adding too much, or ONE THING AT A TIME. I'm many things at the same time. And even if you occupy the dominant position (whether race, class, sexuality etc.) it doesn't mean you are not accountable for your own anti-oppression education. When people makes these comments, it sounds like they think they do not need to worry about racism or what marginalized people have to experience. Although I often hate comparing oppressions, I'm gonna do it here - don't we ask that straight people become accountable for their and society's heterosexism by deconstructing the nuclear hetero family as normal? I would hope that white queers would also take this up when planning families - and not engage in this attitude that if we chose a white donor, we have it all figured out in terms of race.

I wonder Coco, do you not see yourself, your partner and your children as 'racialized' or is that not of concern to you becuase your whiteness is normalized? I see you live in Montreal, a city where many POCs live and an there is a large activist community around queer and race issues. I'm wondering if you are planning to interrogate your assumptions, and, as Diane stated, raise anti-racist white kids? And what does that look like to you?
Kwynne is offline  
#35 of 45 Old 01-05-2008, 12:44 AM
 
Chancita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 84
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Frog,
Of course I wouldn't intentionally expose myself and especially my children to a situation where I/we would experience bigotry either. But, I also wouldn't write off a whole area, region or even necessarily a town because of a bad experience either. That's more what I was getting at, being from Georgia and all
Chance
Chancita is offline  
#36 of 45 Old 01-05-2008, 01:11 AM
 
spedteacher30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,065
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
kwynne--

it's good to see you here. it has been a while...


i don't have a ton to add, though I will say that loving my wife in no way prepared me with the knowledge to be a parent to a child of color.

I have told C before that as much as I love her, her experiences with racism are her pain, separate from me. I can only view them as an outsider, though there are a few experiences we have shared as an inter-racial couple.

However, as soon as Bigfella was born, it became clear to me that a piece of me, my heart, my soul--in a far more primal way than in my love for my wife--was branded in the eyes of society as "other", as "less than", as "danger."

as we near Bigfella's second birthday, I am still shocked with how little I know. I learn every day, and am humbled every day by the truly awesome task of parenting.

I suppose we have been blessed so far. The people of color we know have been very welcoming to me, and invited me into their lives. The white people we know have been wonderfully supportive of our family. But, I realize over and over and over again the "privilege" I have (and I put that into quotes not because I don't believe it exists, but because I think the term is incorrect, and normalizes sub-standard treatment of people of color) will never be available to my child, and there are times when it just makes me tired...
spedteacher30 is offline  
#37 of 45 Old 01-05-2008, 09:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
frog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: where footprints dance in the snow
Posts: 9,229
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chancita View Post
Frog,
Of course I wouldn't intentionally expose myself and especially my children to a situation where I/we would experience bigotry either. But, I also wouldn't write off a whole area, region or even necessarily a town because of a bad experience either. That's more what I was getting at, being from Georgia and all
Chance
Oh, I totally hear you. I did love Georgia, I just remained peeved at St. Marys.
frog is offline  
#38 of 45 Old 01-05-2008, 10:50 PM
 
Diane B's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1,343
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by spedteacher30 View Post
kwynne--
I suppose we have been blessed so far. The people of color we know have been very welcoming to me, and invited me into their lives. The white people we know have been wonderfully supportive of our family. But, I realize over and over and over again the "privilege" I have (and I put that into quotes not because I don't believe it exists, but because I think the term is incorrect, and normalizes sub-standard treatment of people of color) will never be available to my child, and there are times when it just makes me tired...
Thanks for sharing this. You articulated this beautifully. We are starting to look at schools for our daughter and I want what every parent wants - for the world to see my daughter for the wonderful, unique human being she is. We are just beginning, for example, to look into elementary schools. And I worry about finding a school that can include and welcome ALL of who she is, without either stereotyping or denying her heritage. This feels like her first big step away from the circle of our family (our daycare is a parent-run co-op and very small.)
Diane B is offline  
#39 of 45 Old 01-06-2008, 12:15 AM
 
Sugerson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hillsboro, OR
Posts: 34
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Interesting - our KD is half Japanes and discussed with us his feelings about the cultural understanding. We were tentative at first about having a child with a heritage that we did not understand, but then he said, "I may be Japanese and proud but you can share that experience of learning the culture with your child." He feels that as intelligent individuals we can learn with our children the history, struggles and experiences of those from japanese descent. I understand the importance placed on teaching children the culture, but I disagree that those not from that background can learn that information and pass it on. How can I teach my child that is not from the African descent about the struggles and plight of that community? As parents I think it is our responsibility to teach our children about all struggles people face in this world - as a teacher I can tell you it is not taught in the schools (unless of course they are in my classroom ;0)! My partner is a professor of sociology and originally from Wyoming - understanding the struggles caused by insititutions designed to place one group above another and afford them privilages not available to other can be learned. As an educator it can be taught too!

Hmmmmmm...great discussion! I worried when we first recieved the information from the sperm bank...we started with frozen...but recognize that children may not be a social activism point, but hopefully we can help them to change the world!
Sugerson is offline  
#40 of 45 Old 01-06-2008, 01:23 AM
 
Milvudeeshna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 327
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by frog View Post
It's one thing for turtle and me to be denied service (which happened to us in St. Marys, GA)

Not to get too off-topic, but would you mind sharing (either here or in pm) exactly where this happened?? My partner and I are considering going down to St. Mary's, and we want to be sure to avoid having our $$ inadvertently go to such a place. Although, they'd probably refuse service to us too, once they took one good look at DP.
Milvudeeshna is offline  
#41 of 45 Old 01-06-2008, 11:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
frog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: where footprints dance in the snow
Posts: 9,229
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Milvudeeshna, it was Lang's Seafood that wouldn't seat us.

We LOVED The Upper Crust bakery and the Riverside Cafe, though, and Cumberland Island was just amazing.
frog is offline  
#42 of 45 Old 01-11-2008, 08:36 PM
 
Milvudeeshna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 327
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by frog View Post
Milvudeeshna, it was Lang's Seafood that wouldn't seat us.

We LOVED The Upper Crust bakery and the Riverside Cafe, though, and Cumberland Island was just amazing.
!
Milvudeeshna is offline  
#43 of 45 Old 01-26-2008, 05:15 PM
 
Sheba Shayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm Black (and lesbian) and I'm considering going the IVF route and I have to admit the race of the donor is something I'm thinking a lot about. Very complex issues here.
Sheba Shayne is offline  
#44 of 45 Old 02-04-2008, 01:24 AM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,977
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i am actually a single mama who has been going back and forth over this question in my mind. i would like another child and have settled on a bank as i couldn't find a known donor. anywho, it is tricky for me as i wanted another kiddo and i think i am going to settle with a donor outside of my race (i'm black) and the reasoning is so that i can try to have a child who is somewhat similar in features to my dd. it was hard to come to that conclusion, but i think that is where it lies at present.

but nothing is etched in stone as i am still considering the process...

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
#45 of 45 Old 06-26-2008, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
frog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: where footprints dance in the snow
Posts: 9,229
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Bumped by request.
frog is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off