I miss being (actively) queer... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 46 Old 04-15-2008, 01:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Treasuremapper View Post
I am straight and found this through new posts.

But I could still relate to much of what you said, even though I obviously cannot really understand on an experiential level.

I think that being a SAHM really changes our identity for a few years in a dramatic way, and that's for heterosexual women. I cannot imagine how intense it would be for a woman who was a part of the lesbian community -- that sounds like it would be so incredibly hard and isolating.

I just wanted to reach out and offer you my support and cyberhugs.
I read your post the other day and have been thinking about it. I am straight and I share many of your feelings about loss of identity. Part of our being able to both work part time and being somewhere "safe" for our dd to grow up meant moving to a small town. I miss my city life, my city self, my old habits and haunts. And I must say it is boring around here. Everyone goes to church, is white, straight and has to be home in time to cook their husbands dinner. I am a straight, white pagan and I miss diversity, damn it! I know that having a child would have changed my circle of friends and lifestyle anyway, but moving here has made me feel very disconnected to my old self in a more extreme way. Anyway, good luck to you and know that your feelings make sense to many of us.

mama to two DD's, 7 and 3 (3 rounds of IVF and more FET's than I can remember)
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#32 of 46 Old 04-15-2008, 04:28 AM
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s i hear you mama. i have similar kinds of identity issues...tho mine spring from a newly purchased minivan more than anything else

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#33 of 46 Old 04-15-2008, 08:48 PM
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Bi Any Other Name is also a good book on this topic. Can't remember the author at this moment.
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#34 of 46 Old 04-16-2008, 08:36 PM
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I used to be in a place similar to yours... the monogamously married "invisible bi" woman. It is tough, especially in suburban mommy world where everyone is presumed straight. And I can totally relate to fearing exclusion from the Lesbian Community - like you're a sell-out and a breeder and you no longer qualify for admission.

But who is the membership committee? Who is guarding the door?

As a bi woman, I kind of carried an imaginary Lesbian Membership Committee around in my head, and believed that "real lesbians" would (and maybe should) judge and exclude me for my attraction to men, my sexual history, my ability/willingness to pass in the straight world, my het privilege.

Making actual lesbian/bi friends -- especially lesbian/bi moms -- really helped me, because friendships are built on affection and understanding between individuals. Real people, not philosophical/political alliances. If you're monogamous, you don't get to sleep with these friends, but they can still keep you in touch with your queer self.
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#35 of 46 Old 05-01-2008, 02:36 PM
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Wow...I could have written your post. I am also a strongly woman-identified bi woman in a long-term (married, with child) relationship with a man. I love my dh and I am certainly not planning on breaking up my family, but I definitely feel that isolation from the queer community. I hate passing. I hate the assumption of heterosexuality. When I see a lesbian mom at the park (this has happened, like, twice), it's all I can do not to run up and hurl myself at her feet and say, "Me too! Me too!" I would love to connect with other queer women, but I don't really know how to do it. I have a bunch of gay friends, but all male (go figure).

I'm kinda thinking of seeing if dh wants to take dd to a Pride parade this year...but then I think I'd feel like a huge poser b/c I'd be there with my husband and kid (of course, I'd be sure to put her in an appropriate queer-friendly t-shirt ).

I saw a t-shirt on CafePress--"I'm not as straight as I look"--I feel like I need to get one and wear it all the time. Sigh.

Sorry, this is a little rambly and incoherent. But I hear you. Completely.

We should have an MDC bi mamas meet-up.

ETA: My complete agreement with you extends to your signature as well. Let me amend my previous statement: we should have a meet-up for grammar-obsessed bi mamas.
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#36 of 46 Old 05-05-2008, 11:51 AM
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Love isn't a feeling-it's a decision. The blessings and graces that come into your life and your children's lives will only be evident over a long time. Get up every day and decide to love your husband, your life, ....into the next generation and to others will the results spill. Avoid that which leads to tempting thoughts.
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#37 of 46 Old 05-05-2008, 04:05 PM
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I think I understand a little of what you are going through. I've never been involved in the gay/bi community, though most of my friends are gay/bi, but I've always been attracted to both men and women and identified as bi. I hardly dated as a teenager and became involved in my current relationship (with a man) at 19. I love him and I know I want to be with him, but I am strongly drawn to women - I don't even have any male friends - and I can't help but feel some regret and loss that I won't be able to have that kind of intimacy with a woman.. because I am thinking that my BF and I going to be together 'forever'. We already have a marital-type relationship and are probably going to have a family someday. I can't imagine being with anyone else and our relationship is so solid.. but.. I am not tempted to cheat, but I am attracted to women I know.

I don't share my sexual identity with many people because people are just.. weird about it. I'm young and a lot of girls my age only date men but identify as bi and engage in sexual acts with women, often with the approvel of their male SO. There's a fetishized view in my generation of being bi or lesbian which I don't like.. I like regular, commited, monogamous relationships, and I don't think it's appropriate for women to treat other women like toys they can 'les out' with in front of men.. I hear about that happening a lot.

My BF knows and I think he feels somewhat threatened by it (although it's not like it's a big deal day to day).
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#38 of 46 Old 05-08-2008, 04:03 PM
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Just wanted to add another "I totally identify" post - I always wondered if I was the only one who felt this way...nice to know there are others.
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#39 of 46 Old 05-21-2008, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by somanythings View Post
Just wanted to add another "I totally identify" post - I always wondered if I was the only one who felt this way...nice to know there are others.

Mum to DS (8yrs), DD (6yrs), and DS(3.5yrs). kid.gif

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#40 of 46 Old 06-04-2008, 07:14 PM
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I've been wanting to register for awhile now but didn't have the courage. As I'm a very crunchy mama and I enjoy the simple and frugal things in life, however I needed another place to land when I had issues such as sexuality, marriage ect and find mama's to understand.

I just wanted to say I struggle everyday with this. I'm terrible sorry women like us have to feel so alone and struggle.

I wish I could be ME again. But it's not that easy, simple or realistic right now.

I've been out as a bisexual woman. My dh knew I was with women when we married, but unfair to him and myself I thought that stage of my life was behind me. 3 years ago I fell in love with my bestfriend. Things fell apart, my dh agreed to a poly relationship. That fell apart and my dh punched me with his moral words. I then went back into hiding of being ME. I then came out as a lesbian. Fell in love with my bestfriend again...moved out and began the process of divorce. Something brought my dh and I back together. I'm not trying to write a book or take over your post in any way but I wanted to just say that I relate.

I really do. I want to have that part of me back and I can't openly. I'm happy with my husband, our children we have and our home. I just would really love to openly have a girlfriend too. He is no longer understanding and supportive and I have to hide it.

I guess the worst part is I have my sister, my mom and my good friend who all support me hiding ME from anyone else but want me to be happy. I can't find others to understand the difficulty and seeing this post brought alot of reality to my heart and made me feel so less alone. Thank You.

So from one married queer mama to another.
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#41 of 46 Old 06-05-2008, 12:04 AM
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I can't think of any advice to give... but I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I hope that you are able to find your way to a place where you feel more comfortable.

The incredibly true adventures of two girls in love. Also starring DS babyf.gif12/09 and dog2.gif!

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#42 of 46 Old 06-18-2008, 02:30 PM
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I came into this a bit late, and I havent read all the responses, but I just wanted to say that I fell you onehundred percent and send all the hugs in the world... I met my DH in 2005 after being out to family and friends as "a lesbian with straight tendencies" .. they all knew I really wasn't attrated to men, but pretty much was just keeping things open for experiences as I believe in loving a person not a gender.... but anyway, I was in college, active in the glbt organizations, spent many a night at the local drag bar (god how I miss my queens!!!) then I met hubby... who I might add is quite a bit quieter and more reserved than me... and things took a major shift... now I find myself with a son ( I never wanted to physically have kids, just adopt).. and am pretty mucha stay at home mom... It seems that although I was openly bi before the glbt community at my college just isn't very accepting that you can be bi and that means you can like men.. and maybe even marry one.. so many of my friends have dissapeared... Which leaves me pretty confused about what and where I am... I was always so proud of myself because i never really went through those awkward teen defining yourself periods.. I knew who I was and couldn't care less if other people liked it... Last August I was told I received a scholarship to go to europe for school for a year and was so excited... I thought I could take the time & figure out what I wanted to do with my life now... hubby had agreed to let me go & I was thrilled.... then I found out I was preggo... so that all went down the drain... now I'm trying to figure out how to reconstuct myself while still stuck in this little town.... but I'm gonna take it one step at a time... I'm going back to school in the fall & am taking night classes specifically so I can spend some of my days working in the glbto office as a counselor... and DS will be with me... maybe I can slowly work my way back into the life I had before, but modified to include that new something special in my life.... I love my hubby, and am so greatful to him for my son... but I really miss me...

Momma to my pants pullin down, potty learnin, "Beeeeeg Boy" who now knows his, phonetically difficult for a toddler, name! Plus 2 dogs, 35 rats, & 5 or so bunnies
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#43 of 46 Old 07-16-2008, 08:41 PM
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Hey Viking, I hear you.

My situation is different from yours, I'm a lesbian but a single mom. So for alot of time, well almost always, I "Pass" unless I say something.

When I became a parent, I was in Los Angeles and facilitating a queer prospective parents group for the LA Gay & Lesbian Center's Family Services.

Now I live in a small town in Oregon and haven't even SEEN another queer person in 4 YEARS. It's crazy.

Luckily I am very happy being single, but geez, when I read something or see something on the news, I think "Wow, I used to be out. I used to be queer. I used to go to parties and meet interesting people and hang out with gay folk anytime I wanted to. Now I'm just a tired single mom and want to putt around in the garden and chill with a beer."
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#44 of 46 Old 07-28-2008, 05:37 PM
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In my recent round of Pregnancy Nightmares I had the unwelcome addition of Queer Invisibility due to Motherhood Nightmares.

I love my straight-identified SO, and I'm very happy to be starting a family with him, but despite all this there is some part of me that is deeply uncomfortable with this new level of not being as straight as I look.

I never meant to alienate/hide my queer self; it's just that being partnered with/starting a family with a straight man has led me to "pass" in ways I never would have dreamed of in earlier parts of my life. Obviously, there's no easy way to resolve this. I'd love to find one.

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#45 of 46 Old 07-28-2008, 05:40 PM
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Sounds like you are not as alone in this as you may have thought.
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#46 of 46 Old 07-28-2008, 05:53 PM
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duplicate post, oops!
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