advice re. telling dd her dad's gay - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 10-17-2003, 09:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would appreciate advice:
My 11 yr old dd's dad and I never married. He's gay and HIV pos. He and I are wondering if it's time to tell her these things. He would like me to because he and she are not close. He hasn't been consistantly in her life but has been making an effort lately. How do I tell her? How much do I tell her? She's mature but very sensitive. I've always emphasized embracing all kinds of people but now she's in middle school and hears mean things said against gays by kids who aren't even clear on what they are talking about. I've addressed this- told her what it means to be gay and that it's just how some people are etc. but I haven't related it to her father yet. Also, he's pretty healthy now, but when he does get sick, he gets very sick and I am scared to worry her. Advice please
~Amanda B.
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#2 of 4 Old 10-17-2003, 11:09 PM
 
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Hi Amanda,
I think she is old enough to hear the truth--in a loving and matter of fact sort of way. My brother in law is gay and living with his partner. They have been together for 7 years, and are very much a part of our lives. When we told our 9 year old son about the "facts of life--sex talk" we very lightly covered heterosexual-homosexual, but did not go into it too much. Then a few days after that he came from school and said that he heard a *bad* word at school but did not know what it meant. The word was fag. So I told him what it meant, and he started asking me more questions about what meant to be gay.

That was the perfect chance for me to tell him that his uncle and Tom were gay, and we living together very happily. I felt like it helped him to understand the whole issue better, and he was very accepting of it. And I also told him that there were some very sad, mean people in the world who were mean to people who are gay....but we are not like that.

I realize your situation is more complicated because this is your daughter's father and he has HIV, but I just wanted to share our experience. I find that if I keep things simple it helps in situations like this. Let her ask the questions after you give the basic facts.

Take care,
Lisa
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#3 of 4 Old 10-18-2003, 07:23 PM
 
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I think your heart for her is beautiful. Share with her what is on your heart and what is not, just wait for her to ask you. Honesty is best but also timing helps for people, including adults, to truly understand another person.

Peace and Hope,
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#4 of 4 Old 10-19-2003, 06:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you both so much for your support and advice. I shall let you know how my talks with my daughter go.
~Amanda
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