10 weeks preggo and dp is cheating - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 07:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so lost right now. I'm 10 weeks pregnant today and this morning dp told me she met someone. They've been seeing each other for 3 weeks. We have been together for just shy of 10 years and it took one year exactly to conceive this baby.

She doesn't know what she wants to do. She doesn't want to leave me, but she doesn't want to break her fling off either because (read with sarcasm) this poor other girl has had a really bad life and everyone has always left her - she doesn't want to hurt her. WTF!!? What about me and my hurt?! I told her that she couldn't have her cake and eat it too. I told her that I should be more important to her than someone she's known for 3 weeks - I did not get the appropriate response. She does not seem to feel the same way. I feel so unloved. I don't know what I will do. It was not supposed to turn out this way

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#2 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 07:08 PM
 
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I am so sorry *hugs*
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#3 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 07:30 PM
 
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Oh Pranava,

I am so, so sorry. I can only imagine how angry and hurt and scared you must be feeling right now.

It was a very different situation, but my ex left me when I was three months pregnant. I felt so terrified and vulnerable and alone, and afraid that I'd made a huge mistake in getting pregnant. As it turns out, I wasn't alone, and I'm not now, and having a baby was the best thing I ever did. Of course your situation is very different, and I'm not suggesting that breaking up is what you should or will do. Just letting you know that whatever happens, and however you feel right now, you're going to be okay.

And in the meantime, we're all here for you. All of us. Just a PM away. Even with a screamy little baby on my boob. You're not alone in this, okay?

A, partner to J, mama to O, now with a new username!

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(and oh, did i mention we're having twins?!?)

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#4 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 07:31 PM
 
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I am so, so sorry. This must be a very tough time for you right now and I wish there was something I could say to make it all better, but there's not.

How are you feeling? What is your first inclination in terms of what you would like to have happen in your relationship? Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself some power in this situation.

If you need anything, please do not hesitiate to PM me. Especially if you just need to talk.
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#5 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 07:50 PM
 
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Write whatever you need to here. Spew it out...it's a safe space.

Be well and give yourself space to feel anything and everything.

megin

Mommy to an amazing 8 year old, wife to an inspiring principal, and welcoming Wylie Grace! Our July 4th babe!
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#6 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 08:57 PM
 
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It is difficult for me to find words to accurately express all my concern and support for you... I really hope that this situation gets better and that you feel better... I am sending hugs your way if that is ok with you...

Try to take care of you during this difficult time. Is there someone, a friend, family... that could be there for you right now ?

Keep talking... we are here.

Coco
xxx

Celebrating the arrival of our twins twins.gifCharlie & Chloe, born Jan 28th 2011 !

 


 

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#7 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 09:41 PM
 
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Oh, Pranava ...
I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles.
Sending many and plentiful strong vibes your way.
You and your baby will get through this ... and whatever it looks like on the other side, it will be where you are meant to be.
In the meantime, take care of yourself and your little one. Drink lots of water, try to eat well, and get as much sleep as you humanly can. And pray, or meditate, or pummel a punching bag. We're here for you and your baby.

dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
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#8 of 48 Old 08-16-2008, 10:01 PM
 
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Oh Pranava that news is shattering. I echo all the sentiments of others here. Do whatever you gotta do to get through this. Whatever happens, you WILL get through it.

(You might find some good support on the parents as partners board here - it seems that affairs when partners are pregnant are not altogether uncommon.)

Sending you love and strength from across the seas.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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#9 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 10:03 AM
 
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Gosh that's so sad and and so aweful. I'm so sorry. I've never posted much in this forum but always read it, always in the hopes of joining officially when starting ttc.

I totally commiserate pranava. My partner and I were all set to go with KD and insemming dates picked, and instead of insemming she broke up with me There was also someone else involved, and her mother being terminally ill and now she is moving back to Boston. This all happened in the last 10 days. We had been together for 6 years and married for 2 and 1/2. And to top it all of last friday we were supposed to close on our first house and she backed out of that too.

It's such a terrible shock when something like this happens out of nowhere. Lots of hugs for you. We should start a support thread for all of us that have gotten screwed by our partners in the midst of ttc (or just before in my case!). There seems to be a lot of us, sadly.
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#10 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 11:10 AM
 
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pranava.

Is couples' therapy an option? Either as a chance to keep the relationship, or a chance to figure out what happens from here?

DP and I have been through a rough patch ourselves, and therapy (individual and couples') has really allowed us the perspective to clearly see what we were feeling and what we wanted out of our situation.

I hope you and your babe find some peace.
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#11 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 11:56 AM
 
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oh, i'm sooo sorry to hear that!

i will say that if she doesn't want to to be there, don't make her stay. i know thats hard to let go of, but you can't make something do something that they don't want to do. they aren't going to be there emotionally for you or the baby.

this is a tough time, and honestly, i would rather know this now then later. now, you can make arragements. now you can plan effectively.

i'm not sure if you have family members or someone close by to help you.

you guys do need to talk about what it is. perhpas she doens't feel enough attention or doesn't feel involved with the baby. she may have fears about you leaving her, or bonding with the baby?

seriously talk, but if the talk still leads to her wanting to leave, let her.

giggle - mommy to GP born 3.16.09 and parter to liberty (GP's mama). hoping to have 2 under 2 in the very near future via DP's ute!
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#12 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 12:05 PM
 
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Pranava, I was so sorry to hear this news... I know how it is to have your heart ripped from your chest. To be so sure about a relationship and then have it pulled out from under you. I won't even pretend to give any psychobabble advice, but I certainly think counseling would be good. Hopefully you could find out the root cause of this and decide if it is something you can move on from.

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#13 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 12:35 PM
 
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oh pran. I'm so sorry.

I'm thinking of you.

Still madly in stillheart.gif with jb after 10 years and chasing after my precocious toddler jog.gif    

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#14 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 03:28 PM
 
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oh wow, i'm so sorry to read this. :

i'm on another message board and i've seen more of this happening post baby but any time i see it, it makes me incredibly sad. i hope you can work things out but i feel that if this has happened once, it may happen again. you have to do what's best for you and the baby at this point.

good luck!!

g

my family - dp d heartbeat.gif, ds b biggrinbounce.gif (4), ds f thumbsuck.gif (2), dd a baby.gif (jan '12), ddog m dog2.gif
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#15 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 05:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know I should not let her have the power in this situation. I should choose, but I only have one choice to make, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to tell her to leave. I cry over everything I think of - we were supposed to grow old together. She's saying really terrible things like she hasn't been happy for the past 8 years, but I know that's not true. I was there too. I think she's focising on every negative situation we've ever encountered and has completely forgotten the positives. Her view of reality is skewed becuase this new infatuation feels so perfect. It doesn't help to know this new girl is 24. DP is 42 - mid-life crisis?

Life is strange and wonderful.  Me read.gif, DP lady.gif, DS (3/09) blahblah.gif , 3 dog2.gif  and 4 cat.gif

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#16 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 05:27 PM
 
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More hugs and love for you Pranava. You're in such a crappy situation. Try to take back some of your power. You'll feel so much worse if you surrender it all to your partner.

Thinking of you.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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#17 of 48 Old 08-17-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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I'm so sorry

My dw had an affair when our twins were 18 months old and it was awful. I felt so alone and unprepared and was just terrified about the idea of being a single mom. I couldn't even think about what it meant for our relationship, I just kept imagining our family broken up and it was devastating. After getting over my initial shock and horror, I realized that I wanted to make things work out. I wasn't going to leave dw over this. I told her to come home (I had initially asked her to leave), and she did, but she told me it was fine that I didn't feel the need to end things but that she wasn't ready to end things with the other person. I was like WHAT?!?! I never imagined that I'd have to be in the position to sort of "win" my wife back.

I ended up doing a lot of self-reflection and thinking about how even though my dw's affair had originally come as a huge shock (we'd been legally married 3 weeks before), I could also see how it had happened. We'd been so focused on the pregnancy and then having babies and then having toddlers, and we had completely neglected our relationship. I also made myself realize that all of the things dw was experiencing in her affair--a new relationship and all the excitement that it brings, the way it feels to kiss someone for the first time, etc.--were very appealing things, and that they were clouding her vision. So I decided to forgive her for losing herself in it a bit.

I also did a lot of thinking about polyamory and tried to figure out if it would work for me. I decided that under certain circumstances it could. That helped to give me a different way to look at the affair, and also made dw feel less trapped (although we haven't yet ever had an open relationship, we do talk about it).

Ultimately, we decided to work really hard at making things work. In order for things to work we:

1. Had to individually both be happy (in work, with friends, etc.)
2. Had to make time for a kid-free date night once a week
3. Had to promise each other to give it our all for 3 months

Dw ended up getting a new job and that helped tremendously with her own happiness level. We also moved to a house where she was a lot happier and where we could have more personal space (we'd been living in a huge studio apartment--one big loft without any rooms or doors). We started having our weekly date night, and we didn't talk about the status of our relationship, we just focused on loving each other.

It worked out for us in the end. Eventually we were able to learn from the experience and grow from it and be stronger for having been through it. But it definitely took time. I would say that it was 6 months before I felt totally committed to dw again.

Pregnancy is such a vulnerable state, and I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this in the first trimester. Please know that we are here to support you.

So many hugs,

Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#18 of 48 Old 08-18-2008, 02:46 AM
 
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*hugs* Mama.

I wish I had a solution for you - I only have good vibes to send your way.

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
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#19 of 48 Old 08-18-2008, 11:50 AM
 
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Pranava I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hope you are able to find lots of support both here and IRL. Take good care of yourself.
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#20 of 48 Old 08-18-2008, 12:22 PM
 
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I'm so very sorry

I wish you all the best! Stay healthy!!
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#21 of 48 Old 08-18-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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I am really sorry that this is happening to you. She is most likely going through a midlife crisis of some sort but I agree with the other poster when she said not to try and make her stay. If she wants to go.. let her and hopefully it wont be too late when she decides to return to you. I know its hard.. but you deserve to be with someone who is happy and wanting to be with you.. you know?
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#22 of 48 Old 08-18-2008, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all for your kind words and support. thanks Lex for sharing your personal story, that helps a lot. I hope it works out for us the way it worked out for your dw and you. My dp is still "confused." She doesn't want to leave me, and says she loves me, but doesn't want to leave the other girl either. She keeps saying that whaterver choice she makes will be bad for her.

I feel weak and want to let her continue seeing this girl just so I don't lose her. I do understand what she's feeling. I still don't know what will happen. At least she is coming home to me tonight to talk.

Life is strange and wonderful.  Me read.gif, DP lady.gif, DS (3/09) blahblah.gif , 3 dog2.gif  and 4 cat.gif

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#23 of 48 Old 08-18-2008, 07:49 PM
 
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good luck tonight, pran. we'll be thinking of you.

Waldorf-teaching mama to A (12/08), wife to my sweet wife M , and sharing a home with a dog , four cats , five turtles, a fish, and a crab.
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#24 of 48 Old 08-18-2008, 11:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wrote dp a very heartfelt letter, but I don't think she felt the things I said very deeply. She seems desensatized to me. She says this girl just consumes her and she wants to spend all of her time with her. That hurts. I think we should go to counseling even if it's just so we break up amicably, but she was resistant. I think I deserve at least this. I just hope the newness wears off and she realizes what she's lost.

Life is strange and wonderful.  Me read.gif, DP lady.gif, DS (3/09) blahblah.gif , 3 dog2.gif  and 4 cat.gif

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#25 of 48 Old 08-19-2008, 12:54 AM
 
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oh pranava. I'm sorry. Be the tree. :

Still madly in stillheart.gif with jb after 10 years and chasing after my precocious toddler jog.gif    

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#26 of 48 Old 08-19-2008, 12:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pranava View Post
I wrote dp a very heartfelt letter, but I don't think she felt the things I said very deeply. She seems desensatized to me. She says this girl just consumes her and she wants to spend all of her time with her. That hurts. I think we should go to counseling even if it's just so we break up amicably, but she was resistant. I think I deserve at least this. I just hope the newness wears off and she realizes what she's lost.
That sounds really tough Pran... I know I would be crushed if the same would happen to me. I really hope with you that she will soon realize that she is losing alot when the newness wears off...

Please keep talking here if it helps you getr through this... we are here for you.

Coco
xxx

Celebrating the arrival of our twins twins.gifCharlie & Chloe, born Jan 28th 2011 !

 


 

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#27 of 48 Old 08-19-2008, 12:34 PM
 
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oh my! I can't offer any advice or anything, but BIG hugs for you, and you will find your way through this, I promise! Sending good vibes your way.
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#28 of 48 Old 08-19-2008, 12:56 PM
 
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Pran, I'm so sorry that your having to deal with this difficult situation when you should be enjoying your first trimester. Only you know what's right for you and I hope you and DP find what your both looking for. We're all here!

-Rachel

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#29 of 48 Old 08-19-2008, 09:43 PM
 
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I'm so sorry pranava. So very sorry.

I don't know if it is my place to respond since you don't really know me but I just wanted to send hugs and warmth your way.

Do you have friends and family (IRL) that can support you right now? It can be so hard to talk to people that know you both about all this, I personally didn't reach out right away because I didn't want my family and friends to hate my DP forever if we were to reconciliate. But at the same time it can be so helpful to let out your thougts and feelings, let out the tears and yuckys so you can feel a little peace and calm and it can feel good to feel loved and to know that you are not alone. If you can't talk to people IRL right now it could also help to find a counselor just for you (could be in adition to a couples counselor or not)

Lots and lots of hugs.
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#30 of 48 Old 08-20-2008, 01:02 AM
 
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Pranava - I really feel for you.
I have actually been in both positions - thankfully in my mis-spent youth, although I am totally in sympathy with you and your hurt feelings, your long term relationship and your coming baby.
What your DP is feeling is like a fever, it is all consuming and unfortunately probably nothing you do or say will get through to her. It's like she is on another planet - and all she wants is this other exciting young thing. It's really sad. And completely hopeless. In my experience the one who "loves" two gets neither and ends up miserable.
I know that probably doesn 't help you now.
I have also been many times on the receiving end of a loved GF being infatuated by someone else and having to try to "win" her back. It is futile. And so painful.
I know you have probably heard this before, but my advice to you is similar to what others have posted, and it comes with love and understanding, is to focus on your plans for you and the baby. Try your best to make plans so that you are able to live by yourself or with someone else, support yourself or get help from others like family and friends. Do not wait around for her to come to her senses. You have you and the baby to consider and she is too busy with her fling to even care about that.
I agree that the therapy could help you both at least sort out some details, make a break that is as clean as possible and deal with some of the feelings.
Do you have any leverage to get her to go to therapy?
Also you might want to think about joining a support group IRL as well as on MBs, getting your own personal therapist if you don't have one.
Know that you can and will survive without this person. Even if it is so painful and you really want to make it work. I think if she is willing to make it work that is one thing, but it sounds like she is not interested at all.
My heart is heavy for you. Remember you are good, strong, beautiful person and you will make a wonderful mother.
Good luck.
I hope I wasn't too blunt. I just recognize the story so well that I have strong feelings about it. I did not like myself one bit when I was the one that strayed. I had to really do lots of growing to get out of that pattern.
Yours, a very happily reformed gigoletto!
:
PS if she does come back to you and is interested in a few months time, you will be in a stronger more independent place from which to weigh your options.
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