OK, 2HM, this is why I asked... because if you just wanted sympathetic listeners, I would have sat on my hands
but since you're open... in my birthing from within class we were two women who had had prior cesarean births and wanting desperately to have VBACs. On the last day of our class the teacher made us face the elephant in the room, which was: what happens if our dream is once again shattered and we are faced with the exact birth situation we are trying so hard to avoid? How are we going to (1) cope with that and (2) acknowledge and give ourselves credit for having done the best thing for ourselves and our babies?
You're in a similar situation. You want a home birth, and you may end up in a hospital. You may end up birthing your baby early - if there is a bad problem, it may be a surgical birth. And none of this is what you wanted and it's probably making you feel miserable, and you are justified in feeling that way. But what our teacher forced us to do is to put the situation in a different light, and take ownership for it, recognizing that the most important thing to do is to make informed decisions about our own safety and the safety of our children.
You're getting a lot of information, and you're smart, and you know that this may not be the birth you want, BUT: it's still your birth. It's not your doctor's. Your doctor gets to give you the options, the benefits and risks of each option, the alternatives. YOU and your wife get to make the decisions. YOU are the one birthing this baby - your doctor is not taking her. If you end up having a cesarean birth, which is probably the second to last thing you want (the last thing being a baby who is harmed or, worse, born still), you have every right to grieve the loss of your dream, and no one should tell you otherwise (although they will, which is something to come to terms with on a different day if that ends up being the situation, and we'll hope it won't), but believe me, if you feel that you
are the one in charge, that you
have made the best choices available to you in a difficult situation, and that you
have put your health and your daughter's health first, you will deal with the hard situation much quicker than if you put the responsibility for the choices in someone else's hands.
I am really, really wishing you, your DW and Coco well, and sending you strength to make all these hard decisions.
Does anyone remember the second N from BRAINN? The things you should consider when you are at a crossroad and need to make a decision:
B = Benefits of an intervention/test
R = Risks of an intervention/test
A = Alternatives to the intervention/test
I = Intuition - what is your gut telling you?
N = Nothing - what could happen if you do nothing, even for an hour?
N = ???