I felt so distant - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 08-01-2010, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been baby-waring my DD since she was born, now 19 months. This is the first time I have put her in the carriage for a long walk. (Rarely do I put her in it, mostly for things I can't do when she is tied to me, like buying shirts) It was so hot this weekend my father convinced me we would be too hot. I just wanted to say that I felt so distant! She was so far below me, I could only see the top of her head. I couldn't feel her, touch or tickle her. I couldn't talk to her like I am used to. I couldn't walk back and forth with her, touching flowers together and such, I had to stay on the pavement and not stray at will. Even if I were to roll her up to a tree, it would be awkward to maneuverer in such a way to allow her to touch it. I couldn't sing to her humming lightly in her ear, she wouldn't hear me from so far away and I would feel uncomfortable singing in public in a loud voice. I felt so far apart! I hadn't even noticed I was doing all of those things and I really missed them when I couldn't. I feel so bad for babies and their parents who are missing out on this wonderful option for connection.
Steps and potholes were a constant bother and constraint. I was limited, and could not go where I pleased.
I really needed to connect, I tried, uncomfortably to walk beside the carriage, at least to be next to her, but the carriage would not co-operate.

DD, for one, was happy to be in the carriage, she felt closed in and safe
there. I don't want her to have that artificial closed in safe feeling. I want her feeling of safety to be real. Not from being isolated by plastic and metal. To me she looked almost catatonic, the way she stared in a dazed kind of way and would barely respond to me. To me it seems that most babies in carriages look like they are staring into space with blank looks. Twice she raised her hands above her head to feel me, and I stopped to hold her hand.

Okay, so we weren't as hot, and when we got there she could continue sleeping in the carriage, she usually wakes up when I transfer her from the baby-carrier to a bed. But still, I think I would rather be hot.
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#2 of 23 Old 08-02-2010, 12:08 AM
 
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I must admit I always feel weird when ds is in a stroller. My Mom & MIL both have one & we will occassionally use it (my rule is I don't push it 'cause I do not like strollers so if I'm going to be pushing the stroller stays home & ds goes on my back).

I do find it kind of funny how much ds likes the stroller though - he sits right forward in it & is definitely involved in the world.

I agree with you that they are a pain to maneuver & really limit the experience.

Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

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#3 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 01:37 PM
 
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I understand. Typically, I wear the youngest child and the toddler goes in the stroller. It always feels strange when the transition to stroller happens with another baby.

Our stroller faces inward (toward the person pushing). I find that helps A LOT with interaction. With the baby being carried, and our girls walking one on each side, the stroller facing inward makes us a cozy little group.

Julie - Mom to Elizabeth (Libby) age 6, Penelope (Penny) age 5, Elliott age 29 months, and Oscar who is 1 year old!
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#4 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 04:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was thinking of getting an inward facing stroller. It seams like they have those only for the infants and that toddlers should be facing out. In the carrier, if she is awake I have her facing out, it is important to let her see the world. That is why I still use the babybjorn on long walks, even though my shoulder straps are getting uncomfortable. I use the Yammo, with her tied to the side on shorter walks. Hopefully this weekend it won't be so hot.
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#5 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 05:16 PM
 
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Just FYI, the Bjorn is not good for your baby's spine at all.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...nalStress.html

And it is not important that they see out when you are wearing them, it is more important that they face you and have a place to hide their faces and not feel so exposed. Facing out they cannot do so. Facing in, they can look around all they like but they are not forced to.

Mama to 2 sweet gorgeous children, a 4-year-old DS and a 1-year-old DD.
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#6 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 07:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I believe that what you wrote might be correct for an infant, my DD is 19 months old. She can let me know when she wants to be facing me (only when she wants to sleep. As for the spine - she is already walking. This article you have linked to is a bit old, I have read other things about this carrier and have been happy using it since she was 3 months old. I don't think a sling would be comfortable for the adult for long distances since all of the weight would be on one side, like when I put her in the Yammo on the side.
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#7 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 07:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sondacop View Post
I believe that what you wrote might be correct for an infant, my DD is 19 months old. She can let me know when she wants to be facing me (only when she wants to sleep. As for the spine - she is already walking. This article you have linked to is a bit old, I have read other things about this carrier and have been happy using it since she was 3 months old. I don't think a sling would be comfortable for the adult for long distances since all of the weight would be on one side, like when I put her in the Yammo on the side.
I just want to make sure that I understand. Are you wearing a 19 month old in a Baby Bjorn?

I know they're supposed to go up to 25 pounds, but even people who love them usually give up on them way, way before that. I've never known anybody to get beyond eight or nine months before they had to switch to another soft carrier. Your success is unusual.

A sling can be very comfortable. When our oldest was 12 months old I carried her to the top of St Paul's Cathedral in London in a sling. I was actually five months pregnant at the time.

Julie - Mom to Elizabeth (Libby) age 6, Penelope (Penny) age 5, Elliott age 29 months, and Oscar who is 1 year old!
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#8 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 07:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My baby is tall and thin, she weighs only 17.7 pounds, so there is not much to my success. My sister used to use a sling, I couldn't get used to the weight being all on one side. I use the Yammo on one side, but only for short distances or when on errands. I love the idea of being a real kangaroo - one in me and one in a pocket!
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#9 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 07:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sondacop View Post
To me it seems that most babies in carriages look like they are staring into space with blank looks.
Where are you seeing these zombie children?

A rear facing stroller can be a great alternative to a sling/carrier. Babywearing doesn't work for everyone. Some children like to assert their authority early on and refuse to be worn once they can walk. Ask me how I know!

I second (third?) the suggestion that if you want to continue to BW you might want to look into a more suitable carrier before you do your back in.
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#10 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 08:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My back is fine; I wanted to share how frustrated I was with the carriage, how distant it made me feel, how it made me appreciate the special bond that baby-wearing allows, how I wouldn't want to lose it. I still want to share this joy - so view if you please:

http://s837.photobucket.com/albums/z.../Baby-Wearing/
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#11 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 08:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sondacop View Post
I believe that what you wrote might be correct for an infant, my DD is 19 months old. She can let me know when she wants to be facing me (only when she wants to sleep. As for the spine - she is already walking. This article you have linked to is a bit old, I have read other things about this carrier and have been happy using it since she was 3 months old. I don't think a sling would be comfortable for the adult for long distances since all of the weight would be on one side, like when I put her in the Yammo on the side.
I didn't suggest you use a sling. I use a Beco which can be worn front or back and my child's weight is distributed appropriately for both of us. just because she's already walking doesn't mean she enjoys dangling from her crotch like that. I'm glad you love babywearing so much, though, it is awesome! I prefer it nearly all of the time, especially when shopping, at fairs, museums, etc., and of course at home, but I do use a jogging stroller for exercise for me!

Mama to 2 sweet gorgeous children, a 4-year-old DS and a 1-year-old DD.
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#12 of 23 Old 08-05-2010, 09:22 PM
 
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I would recommend an Ergo.

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#13 of 23 Old 08-06-2010, 08:26 AM
 
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I love how close I feel to my babies when they were/are in their slings. WIth dd1, I wore her everywhere (in a ring sling mainly) until just past her 2nd birthday, when I was pregnant with dd2. At the same time, I found her buggy to be useful when I had shopping to do and no car to bring the food home in.

Also, not all babies like spending loads of time in slings. I got a shock with dd2 who, for the first number of months, would only tolerate slings if she was asleep or I was constantly walking. If I dared stop she would throw a fit and want to get out. She enjoys them now for napping and cuddling but mainly because she is going through the 13 month clingy stage.
If I put her in the buggy she LOVES it. She really enjoys looking out, chatting away to all and everyone. I have a Phil and Teds so find it grand for steps and potholes and when dd1 was younger she could use it too. I would have loved a rearfacing buggy but I just couldn't justify spending the money when we were given the phil and teds for free.
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#14 of 23 Old 08-06-2010, 09:21 AM
 
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I don't know, my DD's have never stared ahead with a blank look in the stroller, lol! Actually, they sit up and get excited about everything we see and generally have a great time!
I love babywearing but it's nice for them to have fun riding in the stroller too, especially when they are in the big one together!
Oh wait, there are times when they get a blank look as they fall asleep! But that happens in the wrap or sling sometimes too.

Deb, Mom to Madeleine 8/2005 and Maia 11/2009 Nick: and Chris
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#15 of 23 Old 08-06-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sondacop View Post
My back is fine; I wanted to share how frustrated I was with the carriage, how distant it made me feel, how it made me appreciate the special bond that baby-wearing allows, how I wouldn't want to lose it. I still want to share this joy - so view if you please:

http://s837.photobucket.com/albums/z.../Baby-Wearing/
Having done both, I really don't think there is a 'special bond' that you only get from bw. Sure, having a baby snuggled up to you is nice but particualrly as they get older you don't have to hold them to bond. I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across this way but sounds as though you're implying that strollers users are borderline neglectful, what with their catatonic babies. And that simply isn't the case.
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#16 of 23 Old 08-08-2010, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I thought I had posted in the baby-wearing support forum, I must have been mistaken. I had no intent on turning this into a carrier critique (me and my dangling leg baby are happy with the babybjorn, thank you), or comparison (I also have a Yammo, a Yammo and a Becco/Ergo are pretty much the same). I thought that as baby-wearers, we would all know the benefits of baby-wearing an infant and a young baby, but would like to share my insights into baby-wearing a toddler. Just because a parent would not feel comfortable singing to a child in a stroller, does not mean I think he/she is neglecting the child. Where did you get that from?! The few extra minuets of closeness we get from baby-wearing are precious, this is what I found out. A toddler in a carriage clamoring for attention is a sure sign that he/she is not bonding while in a carriage. A baby subdued or lulled by the sway of the carriage, in my mind, is not at peace, any more than an adult staring out of a vehicle is, but I did not call these babies zombies.
People walking single file talk less than those side by side. Even more so when they are at different levels, such as in a carriage, I just don't see how you can compare the two situations. I just felt so far away from her, that is all I wanted to get across. I am sorry that I got this across to only a few posters.
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#17 of 23 Old 08-08-2010, 10:35 PM
 
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Ok well, it seems that some people were maybe offended b/c you made a statement about babies in carriages seeming catatonic and you used the word "most" like you rarely have seen a happy baby in a stroller. I think maybe your statements were a little strong.

I personally think that by 19 mos. your baby is definitely bonded to you and an outing in the stroller is not going to diminish that bond. She may have even enjoyed her time there but it sounds like you were feeling so uncomfortable about it that she may have picked up on your cues and was unable to relax and enjoy, creating the 'catatonic' look.

I personally carry and stroll about equally. When I am trying to get things done around the house and the baby is fussing on the floor and wanting contact I carry her, or if I am going out into the busy world and she is tired I will keep her close to me. However, if I am going out for a walk around the neighborhood or if we are going out and she is well rested and content then I will take her in the stroller. I talk to her plenty as I'm pushing her and it is not that hard to peak around and look at her face. Who cares if I want to sing out loud to my baby? She loves to look around. She loves the contact with other people and to watch our dogs as we walk (I know this b/c she laughs and babbles). She really cannot do those things when she is pushed up against me in the Ergo. Also she has never once fussed in her stroller and she definitely will make it known that she is done being carried. Just sayin....

Sorry, but I do agree with the other posts that it seems like the baby bjorn is not the right choice for a 19 mo. old. I've read a lot of places that carriers should mimic the way we naturally carry babies and the out facing position of the baby bjorn does not do that. I think that people are supporting you in the right way with those comments and looking out for you and your babe.

And just one more thing. You can always take your child out of the stroller to kiss her and cuddle her and let her touch a tree. Your dad could have pushed the stroller for a bit while you did those things.

Loving my little family life with DH of 6 years and DD 12/22/09. Cloth diapering, exclusive nursing, whole food eating, summer loving public school teacher.
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#18 of 23 Old 08-08-2010, 11:03 PM
 
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Any carrier that carries a child by the crotch isn't really great. think about it, would you like to be hanging by that area? I would not! As another poster said, a baby carrier should mimic the way we naturally carry our baby. I do not recommend an Ergo for a tall toddler, it will be uncomfortable for both mama and baby.

There are several other kinds of carriers on the market as well as WAHM carriers that are better suited to toddlers. I suggest doing a bit of research and you can babywear comfortably for a long time yet. Without the crotch dangler!

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#19 of 23 Old 08-09-2010, 04:26 PM
 
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Ladies, I think we all need to take a step back. The OP came here to be joyous about baby carriers in a forum about baby carriers. Not to bad-talk stroller moms, and not to get reccomendations for another carrier and have people trash talk about the one she is using now.

OP, I think it's great that you love babywearing and choose to forgo the stroller. I'm another one who feels too far away from my baby when she's in one.

Married to David since 2/16/08. Baby wearing, breastfeeding, bed sharing, delayed vaxing, cloth diapering, SAHM to Bella, my punctual little girl, born on her due date, 9/3/09
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#20 of 23 Old 08-09-2010, 07:03 PM
 
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I love babywearing too! I wear my almost-1-year-old daily, and wore my older two for a long time.

I love the stroller too, though. I get SO hot and sweaty (so does babe) during the summer when I'm wearing her. But I love going for long walks, and she enjoys the stroller a lot.

Not trying to dismiss your feelings. I definitely feel more distant when she's in the stroller. Obviously, since she physically IS more distant!

But we both enjoy using the stroller as well as the Ergo.

Mom to dd (8), ds (6), and dd (1)

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#21 of 23 Old 08-09-2010, 08:34 PM
 
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I hate our stroller because it's big and bulky and hard to manuever. But I do enjoy jogging, and as much as I love baby wearing, baby goes into the BOB for runs! When I drag that thing out into the living room, I must say that the babe gets totally excited and climbs into it...so I'll take that as she doesn't mind it too much!

But yes, OP, I do get where you're coming from. When I'm using the stroller, I'm always peering around to make sure babe is okay, hate that I can't see hear her well or whisper little things to her, rub her head...

Why are some assuming the OP is wearing her babe in a Bjorn? I just looked up Yamo and it looks like an Ergo/Beco type carrier.
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#22 of 23 Old 08-09-2010, 10:15 PM
 
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I don't know, my DD's have never stared ahead with a blank look in the stroller, lol! Actually, they sit up and get excited about everything we see and generally have a great time!
That's my DD, too! She pulls herself up and points to squirrels, pigeons, ducks, dogs, you name it. We play "show Mama the ___" and she points and makes the noise of the animal. I also take her out of the stroller wherever we stop--the coffee shop, a park bench, the ice cream shop, wherever.

My back's killing me from carrying her so much, so the stroller is a good alternative. Although DH still carries her around the park freestyle every evening before bed!

Woman, Wife, Mom to beautiful DD (10/14/09), Copywriter, occasionally tearing my hair out but usually pretty happy about it all
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#23 of 23 Old 08-10-2010, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ladies, I think we all need to take a step back. The OP came here to be joyous about baby carriers in a forum about baby carriers. Not to bad-talk stroller moms, and not to get reccomendations for another carrier and have people trash talk about the one she is using now.

OP, I think it's great that you love baby wearing and choose to forgo the stroller. I'm another one who feels too far away from my baby when she's in one.
Thank you Brittney, you made me feel much better about posting here, I had started to regret it. I just never expected to feel so distant from her, the feeling was overwhelming, and gave me insight into how much baby-wearing is meaningful to me. I always thought it is important for infants and babies, but not for toddlers, and it took one half an hour walk in the stroller to show me.

I understand, Greeny that you too feel distant with DC in the stroller, I had only used the stroller for stop and go things - like mall wandering and such, never for a long walk.

Desert - I have a Bjorn and a Yamo, we both are happy with either of them. I have started to use the Yamo more since it is padded better for my shoulders, but she enjoy ff in the Bjorn. The Bjorn is also faster to fasten so if I know that she will be in and out a lot I will use that.

Tway, I guess it depends on where you walk. I walk next to a lot of noisy traffic. Maybe that is why it was like that for me, I would have had to yell. Maybe that is why the other babies don't look like they are communicating with their parents, they probably aren't. I haven't seen them pointing out birds, I have seen them staring or whining. I have seen them demanding to be held (with the parent pushing the stroller with one hand,l carrying the baby in the other, that doesn't look comfortable to me at all). I also see parents totally immersed in a cell phone conversation, the baby far below ignored in a stroller. I don't think these are neglectful parents, I think they are missing out on important "together" time with their babies. I am lucky this didn't happen to us. I am amazed at how much an instinctive choice - to go out and buy a baby-carrier, and to not use either of the 2 strollers I have- enhanced our lives.

Again, Britteny, thank you!
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