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#1 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 01:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Another thread almost got hikacked by me concerning BWing at a wedding.

I am matron of honor and DH is groomsman in an out of state wedding end of March. Initially, BWing was okay with bride but now it's not. It's not okay for march down the aisle, or during the ceremony, or in pictures.

Additionally, we do not know anyone in the audience (only know ppl in the wedding party) who could hold DD. And, the wedding is on the beach in early evening. I talked with bride about it but she thinks it's okay for DD to sit on lap of her aunt (the one who breastfed for years, she said). At least that part is thoughtful but I am not real comfortable with a stranger (to me and DD) just holding DD on her lap in an unfamiliar place with me having to stand in place.

Any suggestions?

doula mama to my nov 05 and my feb 08 babes who wrap me in love.
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#2 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 02:07 AM
 
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One side of me thinks I would say sorry, package deal, take me and baby, I'll hold her how/when I want. I get really steamed about brides micromanaging the appearance of everything at their wedding - hate it when they don't allow kids at all. I recently skipped a family member's wedding b/c it was adults only.

OTOH, if this is a great friend who you want to accomodate, and/or you've already invested a lot in being in the wedding, I'd say try to negotiate and compromise. Having her aunt or someone else hold babe within sight doesn't sound too bad, even someone you've never met. I see in your sig that your dd will be 5-6 mos? At that age babies are usually getting really social, my six month old will smile and babble to anyone who looks her way. Maybe you can have aunt hold dd nearby for walking down the aisle and pictures, with the understanding that if she gets fussy you will tend to her right away.

Just out of curiosity, did the bride tell you why?
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#3 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 02:08 AM
 
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you can meet her aunt as well as other people the night of the dress rehearsal right? While I feel for you not wanting her to sit with a stranger - the wedding etc. is not going to last that long and I would not want the baby being worn during the ceremony or pictures too. Why not respect her wishes on her special day - it is such a short amount of time. You can have her aunt hold her near you during the pictures.
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#4 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 02:10 AM
 
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I guess you will have to decide how important it is to you. If it is deal-breaker, then you would have to bow out from being matron of honor. However, you may be able to convince her gently by asking what she changed her mind. Maybe she doesn't think that you will look fancy enough while wearing the baby (although it is a beach wedding, which I would think would be more casual). Anyway, tell her it's very important to you but it is also important to you for her to have input, so you'd be willing to have her help you pick out the sling/carrier. If she still says no, then that's when you have to decide if you will still be in the wedding. I am thinking since she initially agreed to it, that you may be able to figure out her fear of doing it and address it.

If she doesn't budge and you decide to be in the wedding still, I would just tell her that you want to meet the person who will be holding your baby as soon as possible (like the first day you both arrive) and spend time with her so that your baby will get used to her. And tell her that if your baby cries for you during the ceremony, you will have to go to him/her. Which could be an argument for babywearing, too: which is more disruptive, a baby crying for mama coming down the aisle or mama wearing a happy baby down the aisle?
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#5 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 02:13 AM
 
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You know I just did this for a wedding and I wouldn't recommend it. My dd is/was 2 at the time of the wedding so that's a little different. She screamed the whole time because she didn't know the person watching her so she had to be taken out and the person watching her missed the whole wedding. Next time I'm going to decline if dh and I are both invited to be in a wedding if I have a small child.
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#6 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 03:10 AM
 
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It doesn't sound that bad this "aunt" holding the baby, but like pp said what is the plan when (not if) your baby starts crying and your standing up there at the alter? I understand about no baby carrier (even a gorgeous one) in the photos. to me it would be likely too hard for both dh and I to be in a wedding party at the same time. One of us would probably have to bow out if baby was that young.
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#7 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 01:00 PM
 
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Will the baby sit with this aunt ok, do you think? I know my kids would have gone nuts in a situation like that. If I thought they would be ok with it and not cry, then I would be ok with it--that's usually my rule of thumb, KWIM? If not, I would say to the bride "That was really thoughtful of you to find someone to hold the baby that you knew I'd be uncomfortable with. But unfortunately, ____ (baby) cries whenever strangers come anywhere near her, and I don't want your aunt to miss the whole ceremony because of the baby being hysterical." Then maybe she can help you think of other options.

Any idea why they changed their minds about it? Maybe she would feel more at ease if you showed her that you could get a pretty silk sling that matches your dress or something.
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#8 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 05:48 PM
 
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Having worn babies to too many weddings to count b'H can say it works out just lovely if you can walk and move around when they need you to walk and move around, IYKWIM. If you've got to stand in place for any length of time, well, there's a problem. (I always go to the back of the room and pace when necessary ).

Your baby's going to be around 5mo at the time of the wedding, right? Old enough to know that it's not mama doing the holding ...

If the bride doesn't want the baby and/or sling in the pictures, well, that's her choice, I guess.

Of course, if you could get a sling/carrier that matched the dress she might change her tune ...
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#9 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 05:59 PM
 
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I'd let her hold the baby while walking down the isle but then sit down during the ceremony with your little one in the front row. That could be a long time to have your litte one seeing you and not to cry. Mine would have freaked out then and still now if in that posisiton.

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#10 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 06:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the advice and concern! DD is pretty easy-going so far; she likes people fine and lets friends hold her. If she's unhappy, she will let me know but she's a very conent baby. More than anything, I don't want to be away from her...she may be better at seperation than I will! I have put my career on hold to be with her and we are strong APers so it's just weird for me to think of a stranger holding DD and my hands being somewhat tied about attending to her needs. Also, I am just really picky about who touches and handles DD.

Bride said that she would understand if I need to step away from the ceremony for Ezra. But, I think I feel uncomfortable with all eyes on me walking away to tend a crying baby, KWIM? I like to PREVENT crying rather than respond later, if at all possible. Since it will be an unfamiliar place to both of us and after a 12 hour car drive, I am nervous. It feels like I will be on stage...performing and Ezra will have to be on HER best behaviour, too for things to go smoothly.

Mostly, it just makes me upset that my "best friend" isn't thinking about how I want to care for my babe (babywearing and breastfeeding). It seems that she didn't think it would be a big deal for both DH & I to be in the wedding or that a wedding dress/unfamiliar place/busy wedding stuff/12 hour drive to another state might hamper our BFing reltionship. Plus, she was fine when I said, "Well, if we are both in the wedding then one of us will have to carry Ezra. Ohhhhh, I will get a beautiful silk sling to match the dress." A week or two after Ez was born, bride had changed her mind about that. It's that kind of stuff that upsets me most, I guess. She got engaged when I was preggo so she knew that I would bring Ez with me to the wedding. Maybe she jsut doesn't really get that it's important for me to be available to the babe?

doula mama to my nov 05 and my feb 08 babes who wrap me in love.
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#11 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 06:47 PM
 
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If it bothers you so much, don't be her matron of honor, attend the wedding as a guest. Not to sound cliche, but it is 'her' day, and you can say no. Weddings are a PITA, regardless of whether or not you have children. I do tend to think that having the aunt sit near you, and you just leaving the altar (or whatever) when DD needs you is a reasonable alternative to you carrying baby down the aisle. It's hardly like she's telling you your baby isn't welcome (as we were told when my DD was 3 months old -- now *that's* unreasonable!).

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#12 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 07:21 PM
 
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I'm sorry this is hard. With my dd, I would have probably said we are a package deal and if bride is still not ok with you holding baby, then I would just be a guest. My adult friendships are important, but I have made a bigger commitment to my dd and I know she would have never let any stranger hold her at all, I mean she only let grandparents etc hold her for a short time at that point. I hope it works out, she probably just doesn't get it, I don't think I would have understood until I had my own dd. Good Luck.
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#13 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 07:56 PM
 
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Yeah, people who don't have babies don't really think about that stuff. After all, TV babies are so easy for their parents, lol. I bet that in her mind, this is her day, and anyone who isn't putting her fisrt just doesn't want to, KWIM? That doesn't mean she's selfish, it's just the way we all kind of think when we're childless and clueless.
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#14 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 09:23 PM
 
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having just been in a wedding, I would definitely bow put. DD was 2.5 and it was a torture, for both of us. It ended up being a LONG time we were apart and usually DD is okay with some time away but it was way too hard. And with a 5month old, no way jose!
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#15 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 10:49 PM
 
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Since you're the matron of honor and your dh is just a groomsman, could he maybe back out the wedding and hld the baby while you remain as matron of honr? Could that be another option as well?
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#16 of 27 Old 01-18-2006, 11:29 PM
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Really, you've hit the nail on the head. Your BF doesn't have a clue what your life is like. Just as most of us didn't before we had kids. SHe probably will, though, in a few years.


I can see both sides. NOW, I'd be fine with it, but before I had kids, I'd have thought it....tacky.


If your dd will be ok with it, do it. It's in her best interests to be able to develop relationships and some kids do it remarkably early. If you think she'll be upset, maybe a compromise?

How about, no sling or carrier. Up the aisle with no babe,(takes only seconds but it's big in the wedding pics!) but you'll stand off to the side with dd while the ceremony is happening. If dd turns out to be enthralled withthe aunt, as my kids would have been once I worried myself sick, you'll stay on the alter. For after the wedding pics, you can nurse and snuggle for awhile, then have either dh or the aunt hold her for the minutes here and there it takes for a shot.

Tell bf that if she's fussy, you'll have to hold her for the pics or step aside for a bit.

Try to remember how incredibly overwhelming plannning a wedding is. Everyone is giving her advice, telling her how it should be, she's probably spending a ton of money. And the you , her best friend, starts whining about whether your baby will be touching you at all times. (Just playing devils advocate!)

After my BF had kids I once repeated something very callous to her that she had once said to me. She said, like I was some sort of idiot, : "I didn't have kids then. What did I know?"
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#17 of 27 Old 01-19-2006, 01:33 PM
 
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How long do you expect the ceremony to take? Ours was 8minutes from walking down the aisle to walking back up it including signing the papers(dh timed it,lol). Friends of ours got married 3 weeks before ours and it was 45minutes long(half the reason we wanted something short,lol) and catholic so alot of stand, sit, stand, sit.

How far way are you going to be from where the aunt will be sitting? You will most likely hear her fussing before the crying starts and can quickly scoot away to get Ezra. If the Bride is okay with it, would she let you bring her back up to the altar if she fusses?
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#18 of 27 Old 01-19-2006, 02:45 PM
 
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Could you bring someone with you that you know?

maybe have the aunt sit on the front row so that if something happens, you could always sit down.

Maybe ask to be something other than the matron of honor?

If she also has a maid of honor, if you had to sit down, the other person could fill in for you, with holding the flowers and such?

I'm sorry this is hard for you, hopefully the bride will understand.
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#19 of 27 Old 01-20-2006, 12:27 PM
 
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It could also be that once she saw your Dc that she decided she didn't want to share the spotlight?

I know that if there was a baby standing beside the wedding party at any wedding I went to, I'd be looking at the baby and not the bride.

At my wedding, someone brought their grandson (without telling me they were going to, and I didn't know the baby existed so I hadn't invited him). Anyways the grandmother ended up showing the baby off to each table and making a big deal over him. They stole some of my spotlight. As a bride I was a little annoyed, but I'm over it now.

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#20 of 27 Old 01-20-2006, 12:59 PM
 
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Does the bride have other bridesmaids? If so, suggest to her that she "promote" one of them to maid/matron of honour and have 2 (you and the other lady). That way, the other woman can take care of things if you need to tend to your daughter. I don't think I would agree to having the aunt hold the baby, because you don't know what your baby will be like at 5 months. At around that point, my DD decided she didn't like anyone but me! Then I'd take the suggestions made by Red, they are really good suggestions.

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#21 of 27 Old 01-22-2006, 05:12 AM
 
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I was b'maid for my friend when DS was 9 weeks old. Yes, weeks. Big huge mistake for many reasons, but I got through it.

The dress was red satin, and I ordered a reversible hotsling with gold brocade on one side. It was *gorgeous* with the dress.

But I didn't wear him until the reception.

If i were in your shoes, I'd have DH bow out. Then he can stand to the side and hold Ez, and you can do your duties; if hubby is just a groomsman, it's a lot less of a deal than a MOH bowing out, know what I mean?

In our situation, the bride ordered us to be there at 1pm. The ceremony started at 6. ggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk kk.

Hubby and DS hung out in the church's "cry room" all day, coming to find me when milk was needed. I'd go into the cry room, pretty much strip to the waist (bride required us to be dressed *extremely* early and the satin didn't stretch LOL), and nurse DS. Then I'd re-dress and go back. The cry room was soundproof, had a one way window so DH could see (and hear, over speakers) the wedding while watching DS and watching me sway back and forth in the July heat, sun coming down through the massive stained glass windows, heat waves coming off of her massive wedding party (8 or 9 attendants on each side, 2 flowergirls, 2 ringbearers, candle lighters...).....

They went alone to the reception while I went off with them for pictures; I'm sure my boobs got bigger as the pictures went on. DH checked out the site for me, made friends with some security guards (one of whom had 4 kids who were all breastfed) to make sure I wasn't bothered while feeding DS downstairs, and got us all situated.

It was a bad experience made OK by my hubby.

So I'd suggest trying something like that.

And it's almost guaranteed that months after the wedding, you'll mention all the trouble you went to, and she'll express a complete lack of knowledge of all you went through, and will say "oh you should have told me, I would have let you wear DS!"

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#22 of 27 Old 01-22-2006, 06:33 AM
 
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There isn't an easy solution to this one....

It is your best friend's wedding. One portion of one day. The amount of time she is asking you to not carry your baby is really probably less than two hours (between photos and wedding), maybe much less depending on the ceremony. Maybe one hour total?

It is clearly made much more difficult by a) 12 hours from home and b) your dh also in the wedding. I agree with the poster who suggested bringing someone with you. I know it is a LONG way to go (you are driving?) so you'd really be owing someone! Your sister? Your mom?

If none of that works out, I do think that your dh stepping down as groomsman might be the best answer. BUT since it is a beach wedding, might it work out to TRY the aunt holding her IF the bride is ok with you or dh stepping out of the ceremony to care for dd if she cries? It just seems like (especially if your dh can be the last groomsman, furthest from the bride and groom) he might be able to walk out and around the people attending the wedding to get the baby from the aunt?

5 months old might be really ok to get through this whole thing. Now an 18 month old - well, at least my 18 month olds - never.

Can your friend tell you how long she estimates the wedding and photos will be? The photo part shouldn't be TOO bad as once a handful of whole group shots are done, you and dh wouldn't be in too many photos together I'd guess. You know, bride with bridesmaids (dh holds baby), groom with groomsmen (you hold baby), bride and groom with flower girl and ring bearer (neither of you in the pix), bride and groom with his family (ditto), b & g with her family (ditto), etc.

Even though it is a difficult situation, because this is your best friend, I would try to make it work and accomodate her the best you possibly can. I know I was bridezilla; most of us are around our special day. It would be a very nice gift to her if you could find a way to make it work without putting stress on her about it. Someday when she has kids she may understand how hard it was for you. Or maybe not. But if she is your best friend, I think you should do it for her.
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#23 of 27 Old 01-23-2006, 05:31 AM
 
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I was thinking the same thing as Red - walk down the aisle without dd, and then hold her during the ceremony.
But Ellaine makes a good point about people looking at the baby and not the bride!
Babies also tend to get more vocal around then which might be disruptive.

Sorry, I'm no help, just thinking out loud
I hope it works out one way or the other, update us later!

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#24 of 27 Old 01-24-2006, 12:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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YOu all have given me so many great options and I really appreciate it. Dh and I both appreciate it; I read things out loud to him as we talked about what to do.

Well, last night we met with bride and groom to discuss. They said they will be supportive of whatever decision we make. We talked about me attending the wedding but not really being part of the wedding party. The drive (about 12 hours each way) is still our big concern. They know we love and support them it's just such a haul to get there. The uncertainty of it is what worries me. I hate to imagine not being at her wedding but am so anxious about going. Okay, that's not really related just ot babywearing though so I won't go on about it...

Thanks, again for all of your insight and advice, mamas! Once again, MDC mamas help me out with big decisions!

doula mama to my nov 05 and my feb 08 babes who wrap me in love.
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#25 of 27 Old 01-24-2006, 02:10 PM
 
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I don't suppose you can bring a babysitter? I was the matron-of-honor at my sister's wedding when my son was 10 weeks old and my ILs came down to hold him during the ceremony. At that age, though, he didn't care who had him as long as the cow was around for feeding. We did another wedding (just as guests) when Baby was 6 months old - my ILs again came to watch him during the ceremony/reception (it was adults-only, plus DS had just learned the wonders of SCREECHING so he wouldn't have behaved!) At my SIL's wedding in March, my parents are coming to be his watchers.
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#26 of 27 Old 01-27-2006, 01:29 PM
 
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I really wish I'd have used a sitter for the wedding I was in. DD would have handled it so much better and I wouldn't have stressed the whole time.
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#27 of 27 Old 01-27-2006, 01:49 PM
 
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Can you wear her at the reception and during the prep for the ceremony. Maybe if you can stand on the outside and the aunt is in the first row it will work out. If she cries you take a 2 steps and you have dd. I think at this stage in the game bowwing out would put the bride in quite a pickle, and if it is only for the pics and ceremony I don't feel she is being unreasonable. She would have to find a replacement who would need to buy a probably expensive dress and have it altered on pretty short notice. Basically she wants maybe 45 mins with dd out of photo range. Probably still within 8 feet of you. I would talk with her about it.
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