AARGH...family stuff (very long rant) - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 09:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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dh felt compelled to begin drafting a letter to those family members that were shown our emails, not to defend or backtrack, but to explain our position about family issues as well as nip.

i've decided to sleep on it, as many of you wise mamas suggested. i spent the day playing with my sweet dd, trying not to think too much about it while at the same time processing what was done/said.

i've come to the realization that the 7 page diatribe that we received is filled with pure venom. i called them on their behavior, they didn't like that one bit, and then went on to insult my intelligence, question my sanity and put me down. things were said to intentionally hurt, and as i read it, our emails were shared to the family to punish us.

we set our line in the sand and were absolutely demolished for doing so. i don't think i can be around people who won't allow me to establish healthy boundaries. first and foremost, my responsibility is to protect my sweet, innocent daughter from this toxicity.

Coloradomama...
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Drawing a line in the sand with people many times brings out their true personalities - I'm so sorry that this had to be the outcome.
true, so true.

as much as it saddens me to admit and realize, they may have done and said the unforgivable on this one. yes, it was that bad. i may have to cut off or seriously curtail contact, not to punish them, but to protect myself and dd. i will meditate on this more, and strive to come to a decision about this with grace and understanding.
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#122 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 11:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kidspiration
i may have to cut off or seriously curtail contact, not to punish them, but to protect myself and dd. i will meditate on this more, and strive to come to a decision about this with grace and understanding.
I completely understand this sentiment. It's not about "punishing" them, or not wanting to have a relationship with them. It's about protecting yourself and dd from people who are toxic.

Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

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#123 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 11:14 AM
 
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They're shocked and hurting. They're not bad people, just human, like the rest of us.

I'd like to encourage you to, if possible, take a step back and consider some things from their perspective.

I suspect that they feel that pulling in that business about the drinking was really hitting below the belt. Problems with substance abuse are gigantic issues for a family to deal. That issue alone could fracture your family into pieces forever, and you really can't reference it as a side point of another discussion and expect it to just disappear. It really didn't have any place in the discussion at all, and was profoundly inflammatory. And the truth is, it was referenced with intention to hurt - the very same painful maneuver which they're now using and which hurts you and dh so deeply.

Both parties have legitimate hurt feelings. At some point, the road to mending is going to involve understanding the pain that each of you has caused the other, acknowledging it, and asking for some forgiveness.

Please be careful about adding fuel to the fire with continued 'justifications' while everyone's feelings are so raw, and I think this includes peripheral family members as well. Being open about your sadness and contrition is what is needed now.
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#124 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 11:43 AM
 
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...as i read it, our emails were shared to the family to punish us...
Consider another possiblity. That they were stunned and disbelieving of what they saw. Enlisting the help of third parties to provide a (more or less) objective viewpoint would be many people's first inclination.

If you really felt that your letters were completely free from ill intent and only expressed your sincere good intentions about breast feeding, then sharing them with other family members would not be a 'punishment'. Instead it would only serve to strengthen your own position, no?

I think the ILs were pretty shocked about parts of the letters, which were pretty hurtful. Most parts were beautiful and heartfelt, but there were some extremely inflammatory parts as well - unfortunately, in my opinion.
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#125 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 11:59 AM
 
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I'm so, so sorry Michele. My heart really hurts for you guys. You know my mom just last week told me something really sad. She has a sister who is VERY toxic to be around, and for 55 years she bent over backwards trying to look beyond the venom and build a relationship with her. She finally had enough. After several years of not having her sister in her life, she told me that her life is better without her sister in it - she's so sad about that, but it is absolutely true. Sometimes we have to step back out of relationships that are hurtful - not necessarily completely or forever, but at least enough to protect ourselves and our children. I'm sorry you've been put in this position because it is a difficult place to be. I admire you and dh for standing up for yourselves and your daughter in the face of such heartlessness. I can only hope they will soon see past their anger and pettiness - it takes longer for some - I'll keep my fingers crossed that they're just the slow learner type! You've left the door open - they are the ones who, for now, have closed it. Good luck to you and your family.
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#126 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 12:13 PM
 
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Wow. Personally, I think that their actions of showing your letters to other members of the family signifies that they have no interest in coming to a mutual compromise and settling this issue. It seems to me that this is a strategy to "win" the argument, rather than to come to an agreement and put the issues behind them.

I would seriously consider whether you want people like this around your daughter.
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#127 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 12:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by gabysmom617
Wow. Personally, I think that their actions of showing your letters to other members of the family signifies that they have no interest in coming to a mutual compromise and settling this issue. It seems to me that this is a strategy to "win" the argument, rather than to come to an agreement and put the issues behind them.

I would seriously consider whether you want people like this around your daughter.
I think this was a very human thing to do. The ILs are not saints, obviously, but nor are they villians based on anything I've seen here.

I feel as though the ILs weren't really given a fair chance here. FIL gently and tactfully made what - in his world - would be a very reasonable request. I could very easily imagine my own father or my own FIL making a similar request. Unfortunately the very first response to this had the hurtful comments about FIL's parents, which I'm certain were profoundly upsetting to him.

I think that M and dh should have gently, kindly, and firmly said no. We won't be able to abide by your request to leave the room when nursing, as we feel very strongly committed to our decision to nurse K and let us tell you why. We would like to do what we can so that your discomfort will be minimized, of course. So M will nurse as discreetly as possible, and we'll also warn others before we nurse so that FIL can decide whether to remain in the room.

I really suspect that everything would have worked out - and can still - if people will treat each other with a bit more kindess and approach each other with a presumption of trust and belief, rather than suspicion and ill will.
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#128 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 02:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by blessed
I feel as though the ILs weren't really given a fair chance here. FIL gently and tactfully made what - in his world - would be a very reasonable request.
I have to respectfully disagree - and disagree strongly. I certainly respect your right to your opinion, however, I think Michele and her husband have been more than fair and more than willing to work this out. The ILs were given plenty of chances and the door has been left open to them. Michele's family are only human, too, and for the most part - I think they have acted better than most humans would have - and certainly better than the ILs have. Michele, I do sincerely hope you and your family will be able to work this out eventually. The whole situation is sad. {{hugs}} to you and your family.
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#129 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 04:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ColoradoMama
...however, I think Michele and her husband have been more than fair and more than willing to work this out...
I think so too.

But again, there are two sides to this. Look again at some excerpts from the original email to the FIL from dh. This was the initial written communication on the subject - prior to any response from the FIL.

What about your mom and her drinking making others feel incredibly uncomfortable? Why is it that this family tolerates her drinking and subsequent cruelty?

For the life of me, I can't understand why you would take a stand on my wife nourishing our child while completely covered up in front of you, and not make a peep to your alcoholic mother who dominates all of our social engagements and verbally berates and embarasses all of us.
Her alcohol induced venom is poisonous and is destructive to everyone. Talk about uncomfortable. M and I do not enjoy being around her when she is drinking. Out of respect for you and the family, we have tolerated it thus far. But I am reaching the end of my fuse. I will not continue to let her insult me or M using alcohol as an excuse. And look out if she ever goes after K.

Something here is very wrong and it hurts us deeply that you have chosen to confront us regarding nurturing and nourishing our precious daughter, while ignoring this obvious and atrocious display from your own mother. We find it incredibly ironic that your mom is one of the people pushing our current discussion, when she is the primary cause of so much pain and discomfort in our family. Can you really not see how this must have felt like dh coming at them with both barrels blazing? This is FILs mother that we're talking about here. How shocking and hurtful do you think it was for him to read these words?

No wonder M and dh feel uncomfortable about the fact that this email was shared with other members of the family, kwim? These are harsh words: angry, attacking, defensive. Unwarranted? No, I don't think you can say that. It sounds as though this has been an unhappy situation for this family for some time. But I DO think this wasn't the best choice of forum to bring up this issue, nor the right way to approach it. Now the support of M and K's breastfeeding is miserably intertwined with anger and feelings of resentment over this issue of the grandparents' drinking.

That's why I keep going back to this unfortunate part of their discussion. I really do think that it is HERE that some major damage to the relationships and loss of trust started to surface.

From my standpoint, I don't believe that the true issue at this point is the breastfeeding at all.

Okay, enough. I'm beating a dead horse here. I'll bow out now.
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#130 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 04:54 PM
 
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I am so sorry

That does seem hurtful and toxic. I can't fathom any reason they would share those emails with others, other than to try to turn the family against you. I am sure they didn't share the things THEY said and did to cause this catastrophe.

Take time...before you do or say anything. They want to drag you down to their level. They want you to spit and shout and curse so that they can offer your behavior as PROOF to the rest of the family as to why they have done they things they have done.

So....be the peacemaker. Don't try to argue your position any further...it won't do any good with someone so blockheaded to believe that someone nursing an infant is equivalent to a model baring it all in a PlayBoy magazine.

Your line is established....you will not allow them to treat you and your dd with disrespect. They know this now.

So, I believe, SILENCE now is the key. It will speak worlds...that you will not continue this hurtful diatribe. You must protect yourself and dd from the viotrile and spite that I gather these people have.

But, if you can find it in yourself, even if they don't come to you knowing how wrong they were, forgive them wholeheartedly....a hurting mama is not good for dd either.
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#131 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 05:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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to everyone...thanks so much for putting all of your thoughts out there, as we struggle to gain perspective on this horribly stressful situation. i've read, re-read etc. all of the correspondences, and i can't find anything that we wrote that would warrant such a response that we received. dh has already owned up to and apologized to il's for bringing in the grandparent's drinking issue in, he absolutely agrees that it was an emotional outburst brought on by years of tolerating a bad situation, and has been very clear in communicating his regrets on how it came out.

i so appreciate all of your different viewpoints on this. i guess it's really hard for me to convey the pure venom and bile that was the content of their latest response. i am not one to exaggerate, i must comply with the UA and not post their email in it's entirety but please believe me when i say that they took every opportunity to belittle and punish us for taking a stand. they actually go so far as to admit that the sharing of our emails was a punishment. i'm not kidding. i think they are expecting that we will be beaten into submission, admit our wrongdoing, slink our way back into the family fold with our tails between our legs, and promise to not stand up for what we believe in if it defies them so that we are never on the receiving end of a lashing again.

i feel as if i am being emotionally and verbally abused by these people. it really is that bad. i wouldn't tolerate a complete stranger treating me like this...and i can't bear the thought of my daughter being treated in this fashion. although i am afraid to admit it, i think that they may have crossed the line in my book and caused irreparable harm to our relationship. i am an adult now, i do not have to stand idly by as other people try to control and manipulate myself and my beloved dh and dd.

i so wish it hadn't come to this. i have no regrets about expressing what i did, and how i did. i do believe i exercised tremendous restraint in the face of an unreasonable request. their response to us in no way, shape or form has any inkling of a desire to mend fences. every single word was chosen deliberately to hurt and insult us. i feel we are being manipulated to conform to their demands and to instill fear in us to not dare to voice our own thoughts or exercise our freedom. it has become a far, far greater issue than how and where i nurse my daughter. it is now that they have expectations for us to kowtow to their wishes, whatever they may be.

unbelievable. we now see their true colors.
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#132 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joannarachel
But, if you can find it in yourself, even if they don't come to you knowing how wrong they were, forgive them wholeheartedly....a hurting mama is not good for dd either.


yes.
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#133 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 05:23 PM
 
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I have no words, except I am so, so sorry. {{hugs}}
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#134 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 05:47 PM
 
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Just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for you all. Wishing you and in all this mess.
Michelle
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#135 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 09:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hey everyone...
i know i'm kind of 'preaching to the choir' here, as i am after all posting in a lactivism forum...i just have a question because i'm trying to grasp the issues here and i'm kind of overwhelmed with the emotion of it all right now...

is it ever ok for a person to ask a nursing mom to leave a room?

i guess the family is contending that i overreacted to their request, because they meant it as a 'personal favor' to them, because they feel uncomfortable at witnessing such an intimate act, they state that they don't think it's shameful or lewd, just personal and not something that they agree should be done in a public venue.

i think i'm having such a hard time with processing this because i just wouldn't project my own discomfort onto someone else and make them comply to my wishes just based on my discomfort. kwim? they still regard this as a simple request to not breastfeed my dd in front of them.

ugh.
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#136 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 09:36 PM
 
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Honestly, NO. I have IL's who are not comfortable w/ me nursing in front of them and they will get up and go to a different room or turn away from me. I think that if someone is uncomfortable w/ something they are the ones that need to deal w/ that and if they don't want to "witness" you breastfeeding then they need to be an adult and look the other way or go out to the kitchen, living room whereever.

hug to you. Don't let this ruin another weekend. You guys should all get out and do something fun. Go to the park, the zoo whatever! Take care of yourself and each other.
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#137 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 09:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration
is it ever ok for a person to ask a nursing mom to leave a room?
Yes.

Is it okay for you and dh to smile and kindly reply that you are simply not willing to do that? That this is something that the three of you feel passionately about and you would very much like to share with them the reasons why?

You betcha.

I sort of agree with the overreacting part. Simply because the scenario skipped cooperative dialogue altogether and jumped right into contention.

I support their right to gently ask if you might be willing to compromise and not nurse in their presence. I support even more strongly your right to decide whether that is an option that you would be comfortable with. You are not. You've explained why. Your feelings, dh's feelings and K's feeling matter most in this case.

They need to compromise.
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#138 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 09:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration

is it ever ok for a person to ask a nursing mom to leave a room?
Personally, I can't think of a situation where it would be ok.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration
i guess the family is contending that i overreacted to their request, because they meant it as a 'personal favor' to them, because they feel uncomfortable at witnessing such an intimate act, they state that they don't think it's shameful or lewd, just personal and not something that they agree should be done in a public venue.
ugh.
I just can't see their reasoning, didn't they say it made them uncomfortable? So, if it's not something they see as shameful or lewd or even gross, just something that you and your daughter are supposed to share....why do they care!?? If it's just something personal for you and dd, why does it bother them that bad? They're being untruthful about why it bothers them, imho.
Michelle
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#139 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 10:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration
is it ever ok for a person to ask a nursing mom to leave a room?
No, it is not okay. Just as it is not okay to ask a mom NIP to postpone feeding her baby until she finds a more private place to do so. I don't understand why they have a problem with it anyway since you went out of your way to be "discrete" with a blanket, not that you need to do that. They wouldn't even be seeing you nurse anyway. All they would be seeing was a mom with a blanket over her shoulder. It just boggles my mind why they would be uncomfortable with that. Shouldn't your dd's comfort be more important than a grown adults?

Heather Mike Married 8/1/99 Mom to Charlotte Aug 04, Nov 06, and Katherine Oct 07
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#140 of 208 Old 04-21-2006, 11:10 PM
 
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[QUOTE=kidspiration]
is it ever ok for a person to ask a nursing mom to leave a room?
[QUOTE]

No...it is not.

It is, Ok, however, for a nursing mamma to leave a room because she feels uncomfortable nursing in front of the people there.

I, for example, leave the room when I nurse at my in-laws because my BILs turn bright red and look like they are about to faint, and my FIL stares at my breast. Makes me rather uncomfortable :
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#141 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 12:05 AM
 
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Yes, they absolutely have the right to ask you to leave the room in their own home. Does that make it right - no? Were you right for standing your ground about it? I absolutely believe so. I've been thinking about your situation a lot. I've been wanting to share a story with you that happened when I was a child that I think might have relevance to you. My mother's stepfather was VERY bigotted. He thought nothing of making racist jokes or just belittling anyone (mostly African Americans) whenever he wanted. Did he have the right to do this in his own home? Absolutely. Granted, it made him a racist pig, but he still had the right to do it. However, my mother and father were uncomfortable with it and even more uncomfortable with me being around it. They talked to him about it, but there was no resolution. They finally had to say that they would not visit him in his home, and he would not be allowed in theirs unless the behavior stopped. It was an issue that was important to them. They did not want me being raised hearing it - they did not want it to color my perception of the world - and most of all they did not want me to get the impression that his attitude or his actions were okay in any way. He stopped, and we were all able to resume a relationship. The biggest reason I wanted to share this with you is because of what I got out of it. As a child, I felt important. My parents felt I was important enough to take a stand. I knew their views were important to them and because so - I really looked at what they stood for and why - and it was important to me. Now, all of this took place before I was old enough to remember, but the story got back to me. My parents weren't like - hey, look what we did, but I did eventually hear about it. To this day, I am very proud of my parents for taking the stand they did even though it was a difficult and even painful thing to do. I know I've given you the cliff notes version, but it was pretty involved at the time. I believe your daughter would be proud of you for taking a stand for what you believe - AND I believe that she would feel important because you did this for her. I just wanted to share that with you Michele.
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#142 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 01:06 AM
 
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"What will you do once you know?"
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#143 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 02:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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this is what i've been able to come up with...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I choose my words very carefully. They are completely from my heart, but I strive to live a life based on mindfulness and grace, and my thoughtful yet heartfelt words are a reflection of this.

I will attempt to explain how it is that I could have written what I did. I have no regrets about what I wrote. I was respectful and sincere in my wishes for you all to share a peaceful, comfortable holiday together, one in which no person in attendance would have had to give a second thought to a nursing mother and her babe. By nature I am a people-pleaser, and I don’t like to be in the position to be the source of other people’s discomfort.

Please re-read the email that was sent to me from W trying to substantiate the “H family perspective” on the matter of breastfeeding in the company of others. I felt attacked and my very principles were threatened. I was appalled at the unabashed sexism and the implication that people of “my generation”, then by association myself and my husband, were “quick to throw out traditions of all kinds, including culture and etiquette”, which in my interpretation I was basically being called rude and without class.

Add to that, the general air of this being a consensus vote from the family, as well as to unfortunately having become privy to a conversation between family members in which their distaste for my breastfeeding K was clearly apparent, and there you have a mama bear who felt like her fundamental principles were being put on the block.

I admit, I was at fault for starting to let my guard down. I have been attending La Leche League meetings since I was six months pregnant with K. I was dedicated to learning as much as I could about breastfeeding and appreciated being around other like-minded women who are dedicated to giving only the best of the best to their babies. At those meetings, I learned that very often, the greatest obstacle to a woman following through with nursing her baby is societal and familial pressure to not breastfeed, and I armed myself with information and knowledge so as not to succumb to this lack of support. Although we live in a politically conservative city, I have found it to be socially liberal, and my initial trepidation at nursing in public was, fortunately for K and I, met with general support and well-wishes. I have had complete strangers, male and female, young and old, smile and give me encouragement about breastfeeding Kaia while out and about. I have had kind restaurant owners offer me my pick of a place to sit at restaurants to optimize my comfort in case I needed to nurse Kaia. Amongst my close family and friends, I am not only supported, but honored for being a breastfeeding mother. When I visit friend’s homes, I am offered a comfortable place to sit, pillows to rest my arms, and water and snacks so I don’t have to get up. My mother and mother in law often thank me for my dedication and persevering through some very difficult times in order to continue nursing their granddaughter.

I was living in my own little bubble of support for being a breastfeeding mom. Then, with the way that the H family request for my not nursing K in front of them was presented to me, my bubble burst, suddenly and painfully. Ouch.

Coupled with this is the tremendous responsibility that I feel as a mother, notably a mother to a daughter, and also as a woman living in the United States in 2006. After giving birth to my precious one, I became acutely aware of the unfortunate fact that we live in a society that does not honor and support mothers and babies. We live in a country where many women have to fight for their right to take a six week maternity leave, where within the same legislative code the right to bear arms and the right to breastfeed unencumbered are protected. We live in a world where women and girls are the victims of horrible atrocities while whole societies turn a blind eye. We live in a time when the powerful work that mothers do, TO RAISE THE NEXT GENERATION, is not upheld as the service to higher good that it is. What a world in which to raise a daughter. I vowed to be a revolutionary, to be amongst the front line of women that attempts to break down societal walls in the hopes that by the time my daughter welcomes her precious child into the world, she wouldn’t have to give a second thought about things that I’ve had to fight the good fight for.

I was shocked and incredibly hurt for being singled out, as the Nursing Mother in Question, for doing something that might cause members of my own family discomfort. Having been approached in the manner that I was, I felt my very foundation being questioned, and I was disappointed that it was own family that was doing this. I felt that I was being asked to engage in self-imposed banishment in order to feed my child in a manner that was acceptable to the majority. I felt I was given the difficult and inappropriate burden of being the conservator to everyone else’s comfort but my own and K’s. As I saw it, there was no way for me to attend a family gathering with the condition that was placed on me and emerge from it with my self-respect intact.

Indeed, to be perfectly honest, once I was able to get beyond my admittedly unfortunate defensive reaction, I have come to the realization that I am in fact filled with gratitude to the H family for shaking me out of my complacency. Being confronted with a request as seemingly benign as a personal favor to not nurse K in front of family members, I was reminded of my dedication to breastfeed K and this has served to renew my determination to do so publicly and openly (and, as always with me, discreetly.) I am thankful to have had this opportunity to experience my power as a woman, as a mother, and to really feel that deeply instinctual mama-bear growl of protection for my daughter and husband. Becoming K’s mother has been the single most empowering, healing and growth-inducing event that has happened in my life. K is an incredible little girl and I am so very proud to be her mother. How blessed I am. So thank you all for reminding me of my truth and what my priorities are in my life.

I suppose I need to end this communication with where I stand as to doing the family a favor in not nursing in front of them. Not to be rude, not to be provocative, not to be defiant, not to be disrespectful and not to be up on my so-called soapbox. I am just simply and respectfully reserving my right to answer no. What this means, logistically, for future family gatherings, is not yet clear to me. I have not once argued against all of your rights to feel discomfort about the concept and reality of nursing in public. That is absolutely your right and really, it is none of my business. I’m not here to change anyone’s mind on the matter, for that would be inappropriate as well. The fundamental issue from my standpoint is that it is each intelligent, mature adult’s responsibility, and theirs alone, to make decisions to ensure their own comfort. What I can offer, in order to maintain my own comfort level, is my sincere willingness to nurse as I always do with the utmost of discretion and to shield myself (as best I can with a child as active, vibrant, alert and bright as K ) so that no part of my anatomy is unnecessarily exposed.
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#144 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 03:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks so much, all of your comments and input are greatly appreciated and have helped me tremendously in my line of thinking about this difficult topic.

coloradomama, i cried when i read your post. thank you thank you thank you sooooooo much for sharing your story. what a poignant reminder that in the end, my ultimate responsibility as a mother is to live with integrity and to always remember that my dd is watching and learning how the world works by the way dh and I live in it. i so needed to hear you story, it came at the perfect time. hugs.

so i wrote the above posted essay. dh has asked me not to send it yet, as we are currently awaiting a response to an 'olive branch' e-mail that dh just sent to them. in this case, i really tried not to be reactionary to the terrible email that we received this morning, and to gently, calmly, yet with conviction and confidence state my case.

thanks for your continued support and hugs. they mean soooo much to me. this place is incredible, and you women are amazing.
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#145 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 08:34 AM
 
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M-

I have been following your story this past week. What an amazingly strong and powerful woman you are and what a wonderful and compassionate DH you have.

I once read that you should parent as though your child (as an adult) is always watching over your shoulder. Coloradomama's post brought this home for me yet again. I had a grandmother who teased me almost ruthlessly as a child about different things and I never understood why my parents never said anything to her about it. I have forgiven them for this, but the pain is still there, the pain of feeling like they abandoned me and I wish they had done something to protect me. I think they thought it was for my own good and that it would teach me to be "tough" and learn how to stand up for myself. I will NEVER EVER allow my son to go through that kind of ridicule. When I feel like I am in a situation where someone is doing or saying something to him (or someone else we are with) that I am not comfortable with, I picture his adult face looking over my shoulder, waiting to see what I will do. That is always enough to give me the strength to do what is right.

Even though K is not old enough to form adult memories of this event, it will be a part of her life forever. If she were an adult watching over your shoulder this past week, I could not imagine her feeling anything but the most complete pride and love for her amazing parents.
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#146 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 11:58 AM
 
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Your letter is wonderful! You have remained so much more calm and collected and gentle than I think I could have under the same circumstances.

If you don't mind a little advice about your last letter (and if you still haven't sent it), I'd recommend removing this line:
Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration
where within the same legislative code the right to bear arms and the right to breastfeed unencumbered are protected.
as I think it confuses the issue. And, honestly, doesn't make any sense to me.

And I recommend removing "and husband" from this line:
Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration
and to really feel that deeply instinctual mama-bear growl of protection for my daughter and husband.
as your mama-bear growl of protection is certainly appropriate for your daughter, but may be considered odd for your husband (seeing as you're not his mother.) And I worry that he will be teased (behind his back or to his face) if you include him in that statement.

You're an amazing woman and mother! Stay strong!

You can find me on Facebook. PM for info.
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#147 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 01:50 PM
 
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Kidspiration, I am so impressed with how you have handled this situation. I have been reading this thread and been rooting you on. You have handled this situation so much better than I would have. My response would have been "Okay we will see you when she weans." I too was the one to blaze the way with breastfeeding in my family 20 years ago. Now my family does not bat an eye when I feed our littlest one. With my first I got the comments,"Please leave the room your grandfather is uncomfortable!" He didn't even realize I was nursing. It was everyone else who was uncomfortable. When an aunt discovered I was "still" nursing my 18 month old "You're doing that just for yourself now!" To make matters worse she is an OBGYN nurse on Labor and Delivery. Of course I got the when my toddler came over got on my lap, lifted my shirt and helped herself,"If she can help herself, she can help herself to a cup!" Now I am just that weird Mom and you know her and her ideas. Though I do not advertise that I do extended bf and child led weaning. My sister who started having children after me tells me,"I am so glad you paved the way! Now I don't have to deal with everyone's comments." Made me feel:
I really am very impressed with how you handled this and what a wonderful dh you have!




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#148 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 04:38 PM
 
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I love your letter(s). The only thing that I want to bring up (and I apologize if anyone else has already) is that the issue of "nursing in public." I don't think that nursing your baby in front of your own family is public in any way.
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#149 of 208 Old 04-22-2006, 05:22 PM
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my family too was not quite comfprtable with me nursing my kids around them. My dad suggested I feed them in the extra bedroom. I treid that for a little while during visits but it didn't work. Dc figured very quickly how to rip my shirt up and have at it And really, I had my dh take pics of me nursing in the public. YOU CAN'T TELL WHAT I WAS DOING. I dunno, some people can't seem to figure out why we have breast...

I am impressed how well you have handled the family.
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#150 of 208 Old 04-23-2006, 03:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fiveredhens
I once read that you should parent as though your child (as an adult) is always watching over your shoulder.
What a wonderful thing to imagine. Thanks for sharing that!!

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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