family drama, revisited-FUNNY UPDATE #40 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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some of you may remember this thread . to make a long story short:
dd and i were, by family dictate, asked to not nurse in front of everyone at easter 2006. it blew up into a HUGE family rift. time went on and dh and i extended several olive branches that were denied and for a long time we were the black sheep of the family.

due to other family dynamics and circumstances, the people who started it all (fil and smil) are now on the outs with everyone else in the family. (funny how that works, huh?) meanwhile, dh and i have moved on and made peace with almost everyone else in the family.

now, almost a year and a half later, we are seeing fil and smil for the first time again. TOMORROW.: for better or worse, dh really wants/needs a relationship and connection with his father and i will support him in that, even though privately i may not agree that it is the best thing to continue an unbalanced relationship with these mentally ill and toxic people.

dd is about to turn 2 in a few weeks, and we are still going strong with nursing with no signs of stopping any time soon. i can only imagine that they are assuming that we are done breastfeeding and have been done for some time now, and they are going to be in for a major news flash on that one. if they had such a problem with a nursing FOUR MONTH OLD, they're probably going to have a heart attack over a nursing TWO YEAR OLD.

quite frankly, with what these people put us through, i do not care what they think, and we are meeting in 'neutral territory', thank goodness. the visit is relatively short, but by circumstances not under our control it is during dd's pre-nap/nap time when she does nurse quite often.

any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated, as i am finally having to face the people who judged and discriminated against my dd and i in such a humiliating way.
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#2 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 02:46 PM
 
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Just try not to be nervous about breastfeeding. You do your mothering thing and let them do whatever it is that they will do. Warn your dh beforehand that you will not decline your child's request for breastfeeding. Although, for your dh's sake, maybe you could be as subtle as possible (that is, if your toddler allows )

Good luck and just know that you're are in the right. They're the ones that have to win you back, not the other way around. If they are worth your time, they'll play nice.
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#3 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 03:23 PM
 
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I ca't believe that happened to you, becasue it happened to me to- even with a four month old DD! Only it was Thanksgiving five years ago.

In our case, we let that one go, and tried to move on with them (my parents) in a postive way. But it only got worse and more psycho. Soon they hated our church ("cult"), thought homeschooling was the ultimate evil, and then told us they were trying to take our DC away legally, it was never-ending. Then they physicially attacked DH and we called 911 on them, and moved over 2000 miles away. In a nutshell.:

So I have no good advice obviously! I just feel for you. And are you sure it's worth it to see them again?

Off to read your first thread.
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#4 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 03:36 PM
 
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Any chance your DH could visit on his own, and you and DD could stay home?

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#5 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 03:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by TechnoGranola View Post
Any chance your DH could visit on his own, and you and DD could stay home?

She needs to go, not to provoke them, but to make the point that she won't change her nursing habits because they want her too.

This is her husband so his involvment with them directly influences her. Besides if he goes with out her, they will think she has no desire to make amends either.

 

 

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#6 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 04:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by momo7 View Post
She needs to go, not to provoke them, but to make the point that she won't change her nursing habits because they want her too.
Personally, I wouldn't have anything to prove to these people (about nursing or otherwise), so I wouldn't bother going to make a point to them. Not worth it in my opinion.

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Originally Posted by momo7 View Post
This is her husband so his involvment with them directly influences her. Besides if he goes with out her, they will think she has no desire to make amends either.
Does she have a desire to make amends? I know I wouldn't. I can understand her husband wanting to have a relationship with his father but I don't think she has to share the same relationship or same desires.

My asking her is she could stay home, was more just to point out that the option exists. And she may have reasons that staying home will not work for her (I think momo7 that the reasons you listed were yours, not hers?). If that's the case I wish her strength and tolerance because it might be a tough visit!

Ugh, and I think my wording may seem a little abrupt in this post so please know I am not intending to offend anyone or say anyone is wrong. I was just saying what a completely different person (me) might do in this situation! I did read the original thread a long time ago and it bothered me that she was put into that position.

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Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#7 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 04:13 PM
 
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Wow, that thread brings back memories. Was that you kid ? I don't think I had a handle on who you were back then .

Well, you know what I'm going to say. Be kind. Be gentle. Be forgiving and understanding.

Good luck !!
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#8 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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Wow, sorry you have to deal with such ignorance and pigheadedness! I would just carry on like normal, you are who you are, and you are a bf mom of a toddler, and if they don't like it, they don't have to continue visiting. Hopefuly all of this time without you guys and the baby in there life, they have realized how much they have missed over something that was so ridiculous for them to make such an issue of!
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#9 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 06:51 PM
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Do you have ground rules established between DH and yourself? Are you both clear on where the line is and what will happen if they cross that line? Are you both willing to walk away in the middle of the visit if they become too toxic? I ask because your DD is almost 2 years old now, she's probably far more aware of what is going on around her, including people's emotions and words, than she was at 4 months old. She will hear everything and probably understand far more than we will ever know, you both need to be clear about exactly how much of this crap you want her exposed to and like I said, be willing to abruptly leave if it gets to be too much.
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#10 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks everyone for your support and advice.

dh absolutely gave me the choice to accompany him, and we mutually decided that it would be best, given all that had happened, that we continue on our stalwart path of presenting a united front.

dh is pretty nervous, and he keeps bringing up 'what if' scenarios of dd possibly needing to nurse. and each time he does, i just assure him that we will nurse as usual. at this point, it puts me at ease to think of just doing what we usually do and being relaxed as always despite the history that we have with these people. it would be crazymaking to think of all of the situations and the 'game plan' on what we would do. and it would be unfair and confusing to dd.

ita about dd picking up any uncomfortable vibes and listening in on conversations. i am just going to focus on her and her needs and not worry about anyone else. we will be meeting at a very public place with lots of fun things to look at so dd will be very engaged in her environment, thank goodness for both of us.

dh and i have also made it clear to each other that a swift and immediate exit will be made if anything gets too toxic, and it feels right for both of us to be conscious of that out if need be.
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#11 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 07:50 PM
 
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I don't have any advice - just wanted to wish you luck.
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#12 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 07:51 PM
 
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I would let fil and smil beforehand that I am still nursing and will be nursing on demand if that continues to be a problem for them then we don't need to meet. Why wait until it can be a huge issue when it can be resolved prior?
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#13 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 08:07 PM
 
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I very much remember your original thread.

I hope it turns out the best that can be expected, especially considering the persons involved :.

Is the alcoholic grandmother still in the picture?

I agree, they probably think your little one is weaned. How sad that they chose to not have a relationship with you, dh and your child for so long. I wonder if they will choose to extend the period of estrangement if/when they find out that she's "still" nursing.

I'll post more later - my family just walked in the door.

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#14 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 10:40 PM
 
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Sounds like the two of you have a very good plan: be yourselves, be a united front, and leave before being poisoned.


"What will you do once you know?"
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#15 of 41 Old 10-13-2007, 10:59 PM
 
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Just wishing you good luck.

Mostly sane mother to twins.
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#16 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 03:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Naless View Post
I would let fil and smil beforehand that I am still nursing and will be nursing on demand if that continues to be a problem for them then we don't need to meet. Why wait until it can be a huge issue when it can be resolved prior?
i agree...is dh goin to support you if the inlaws have a - reaction? good luck
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#17 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 08:47 AM
 
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Good luck mama! I hope all goes well!
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#18 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 11:38 AM
 
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What hppened with your meeting? can you give us an update? did you need to walk out? are things resolved with your family?

Sam, mum to: Ian, James, Lottie, Maddy, Jack, Ruby, Bronte & Sophia and Nate
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#19 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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we haven't met with them yet.

we'll probably be back in the early evening so i will update then.

thanks so much for the support and well wishes!!
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#20 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 12:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kidspiration View Post
we haven't met with them yet.

we'll probably be back in the early evening so i will update then.

thanks so much for the support and well wishes!!
lol sorry iam in australia and i forgot their was a time difference! I even think your either a day ahead or behind but i Can never work it out.

Sam, mum to: Ian, James, Lottie, Maddy, Jack, Ruby, Bronte & Sophia and Nate
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#21 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 05:16 PM
 
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Good luck. I hope everything went okay for you.

Kirsten - wife to Mark and co-sleeping, breastfeeding mother to , :, and
Photography, including Breastfeeding Photography, in my Homepage.
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#22 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 05:22 PM
 
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Best of luck!
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#23 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 10:00 PM
 
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How did it go?


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#24 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 10:31 PM
 
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I remember that older thread quite well! It sounds like you went into this in the best head space possible, so I hope it was a good, if not healing visit.
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#25 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 11:18 PM
 
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:

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#26 of 41 Old 10-14-2007, 11:50 PM
 
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: me too.

sitting here working on my 2006 taxes that I extended and which are now due tomorrow...and this is the only thing keeping me going! i hope you have good news to report (or at least not disastrous!)
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#27 of 41 Old 10-15-2007, 12:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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"please forgive me. i am so sorry."

<------------ me, flabbergasted.

dh and i certainly didn't know what to expect from our visit today, and not in a million years did we guess that what we would get was an apology.

but the above quote is verbatim. the first words out of smil's mouth to both of us.

fil then thanked both dh and i separately. "thank you for giving us another chance"

again!

they were absolutely delighted and charmed by dd. they hadn't seen her since she was very little. she has grown into a wonderful, dynamic, bright little girl and they were very sweet with her. they even expressed some wistfulness at all of the times that they had missed because of all this family drama.

at one point during our outing, dd became overheated (it was a very warm sunny day) and stressed from having to wait on a longer than expected line and she asked to nurse. she became pretty fussy which is unusual for her. i told dh what we needed to do, and he very matter of factly told fil and smil that dd and i would be resting in the shade and nursing. i was able to find a comfortable albeit VERY public spot in the shade and we nursed as usual. i was grateful for the rest and nursed and cuddled dd while dh continued his conversation with them.

refreshed, recharged and with a belly full of mama's milk, dd became her usual bright, cheerful self and we continued with our day.

besides the apologies, the conversation on both sides was pretty superficial. mostly just 'catching up'. i did stick to my game plan of really focusing on dd and that made it so much easier for me to cope with the stress.

one interesting note for the mamas who correctly stated about how much our little ones do understand and pick up on our vibes...dd started crying out of nowhere about 5 minutes before we had planned to meet them. she was playing happily when all of a sudden she just turned to me and started wailing. i am convinced that she picked up on our tension.

so...it went well.

thank you so much for your support and for the well wishes. it really went as well if not better than we thought it would!
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#28 of 41 Old 10-15-2007, 12:27 AM
 
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That's so great to hear! I hope they dont turn around and do anything else silly to ruin it!
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#29 of 41 Old 10-15-2007, 12:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration View Post


i told dh what we needed to do, and he very matter of factly told fil and smil that dd and i would be resting in the shade and nursing.

Good hubby! I am so glad it went well for you all!
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#30 of 41 Old 10-15-2007, 01:04 AM
 
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I am really pleased for your family

Sam, mum to: Ian, James, Lottie, Maddy, Jack, Ruby, Bronte & Sophia and Nate
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