do you ask permission? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamangazelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Montréal, Canada
Posts: 1,585
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When you're at a friends house, or at a restaurant with people other than close family members, do you ask if you can bf? I never did, because I never thought it could bother someone, but last week, someone in a forum I go to said she was embarassed that a mom was nip at their dinner table without even asking permission to do so.
Am I being rude for nursing at the dinner table without asking?
mamangazelle is offline  
#2 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 07:17 PM
 
gossamer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Houston
Posts: 3,754
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My thought is if you wouldn't ask permission to feed a bottle, why would you ask permission to breastfeed?
Gossamer

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
gossamer is offline  
#3 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 07:34 PM
 
lotusdebi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Facebook
Posts: 6,653
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
*

You can find me on Facebook. PM for info.
lotusdebi is offline  
#4 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 07:40 PM
 
Quickening's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Down Under!
Posts: 609
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Doesn't even occur to me to ask! If they want to look away fine, but I ain't asking! What If i asked and someone said NO!!!!!!!!! I would have to do it anyway - dd's needs come FIRST!

Easier to just concentrate on her needs and ignore other people til she's finished feeding!
Quickening is offline  
#5 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 07:45 PM
 
neveryoumindthere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 3,954
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
nope. i never ask..but then again i'd never nurse around men other than my husband anyway...the friends i have all have 'separated' visits so if my husband and i visit a couple the women sit in one room and the men in another and the same goes for when they come here...but at the all-girl get-togethers none of us ask...it's *obligatory* in islam to breastfeed for 2 yrs (except in extreme circumstances of course, like severe medical issues etc.)...so if one of us wasnt we'd be like 'it's been 3 hours, nurse that baby, would u?!!?' :P

Helping women overcome postpartum depression and birth trauma. http://www.postmommyhood.com

neveryoumindthere is offline  
#6 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 08:19 PM
 
MaggiesMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Riding a horse of a different color
Posts: 1,109
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
T

Quote:
...it's *obligatory* in islam to breastfeed for 2 yrs (except in extreme circumstances of course, like severe medical issues etc.)...
I never knew that-that's awesome!!!


Back on topic- I ask at friends houses, but not with family. I am not at all good at public nursing, although I am all for it. I have never had a friend say no, but I do feel that *I personally* wouldn't feel comfortable if I didn't ask. If they did say no, like the poster above, I would probably not hang out with them much after they did. (And I would take DD to car to feed her, then put her in her carseat and leave!) Although I usually like to take every opportunity I can to teach people about the benefits of bf'ing....

(Edited to add my response. )
MaggiesMom is offline  
#7 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 09:09 PM
 
mamaduck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 6,677
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, I don't ask. What the heck would I do if they said, "Actually, I'd prefer you didn't?" I'm not willing to accept no for an answer, so I don't ask permission.
mamaduck is offline  
#8 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 10:50 PM
 
Faith's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,182
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would only ask if it was someone I thought it would actually offend, if that makes sense. Like, I would not ask at my grandma's house (who happens to have half naked girls on her magazine covers and on her TV all the time), but I would (and have) asked at my Amish Mennonite friend's house... because they might really mean it, yk?

Interestingly, I have found my grandma thinks nursing in public is horrendous and the Amish Mennonites I know don't even notice...
So I can do it anywhere!
Faith is offline  
#9 of 45 Old 09-06-2003, 11:18 PM
 
flminivanmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 7,090
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
nope never.

I'm Andrea - I have three boys - 12 year old twins & an 11 year old

flminivanmama is offline  
#10 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 12:21 AM
 
captain optimism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Good Ship Lollipop
Posts: 7,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 19 Post(s)
Since my baby was like three months I've had to ask for a good space to nurse. he's not cool with nursing in public anymore, he gets too excited. I have never been anywhere that people weren't into my nursing.l

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
captain optimism is offline  
#11 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 12:43 AM
 
merpk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 14,887
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No.

Although if the person next to me or across from me is male, I will turn to the side so that I don't either inadvertently expose myself or make him/them uncomfortable.

And if I do turn my back or turn away from them, I will always say "excuse me."

That's in my own home, too. Simple courtesy, IMO, that if you turn away from someone you're in the middle of a conversation with to excuse yourself. And then continue the conversation.

merpk is offline  
#12 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 02:14 AM
 
Meiri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Murrysville, PA
Posts: 9,114
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
When DS was newish and we were at a friend's apartment I asked if she minded.... She replied "of course not!"

I don't think I ever bothered to ask after that. Made no sense to me. I don't need others' permission to eat, why should a baby?

Besides which, by asking you call attention to the nursing, and you imply that you are about to do something for which permission is needed, something possibly less than polite, legit, not sure what word fits.


"What will you do once you know?"
Meiri is offline  
#13 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 03:36 AM
 
jackson's mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Not quite sure these days
Posts: 987
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
At someone else's house, I absolutely always ask if they mind if I nurse where I am. Usually just a quick, "Do you mind?" as I'm reaching for my bra. It has nothing to do with feeling comfortable with NIP, to me its being respectful of their home.

In a restaurant or other public place, I usually just make mention of the fact that Jackson is hungry before I feed him. "Oh, I'll bet you're ready for lunch!" gives people enough time to look away if they want to.
jackson's mama is offline  
#14 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 04:56 AM
 
UlrikeDG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 1,749
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Nope. I don't know a single person who has the RIGHT to deny me "permission" to breastfeed (unless you count my nurslings LOL). I don't ask if someone minds, because I really don't care if they mind or not. I don't "whip it out." I TRY to avoid exposing myself. Usually, if I'm BFIP, Nadia is in the sling.

Besides, if I can manage not to be offended by someone giving their baby artificial baby milk from a penis shaped bottle, they really shouldn't be offended by me giving my baby real human milk straight from the tap.

Ulrike, mom to:
Roman (3/98), Evalina (3/00), Nadia (3/03), and Kira (11/07)
UlrikeDG is offline  
#15 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 05:35 AM
 
Mommiska's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 5,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm another one who doesn't ask, simply because I'm not willing to accept 'no' as an answer.

Anywhere someone doesn't want me to bottle feed, I won't nurse. But I can't think of a single place, can you?

So...if you aren't offended by bottle-feeding in a given location, then if you are offended by breastfeeding in that same location (given the fact that I can be very discreet and no one sees anything, for the most part!), then that is your problem, not mine, and it needs to be challenged (even if it is only challenged by the fact that I'm nursing my child).

I'm gearing up for this, as no one in my area breastfeeds, and I'm due any day now with #3!
Mommiska is offline  
#16 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 06:19 AM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,767
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 109 Post(s)
I didn’t ask permission and I wasn’t discreet! IMO, asking permission and being discreet perpetuate the assumption that breastfeeding is taboo and something to hide.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#17 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 10:08 AM
 
LunaMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: orbiting the earth
Posts: 2,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I never asked permission to breastfeed, but I did ask people to show me a quiet spot to do it. This was more for my baby than for others - she went through a stage of distractibility and it was just easier to nurse her away from stimulation. Dh was also a bit weird about me breastfeeding in front of his male friends, and rather than argue with him, it was just easier. If I have a second child, though, I've made a promise to myself never to "hide" for the convenience of others. I'm a discreet public nurser, anyway, so I figure just a little turn of my body while latching should take care of anyone's discomfort.
LunaMom is offline  
#18 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 10:23 AM
 
AmyG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Greenville, SC
Posts: 819
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was about to say no, but then I remembered that I did just the other day. Actually, DH asked for me. I met DH after work at a restaurant with some of his co-workers that he doesn't really hang out with much most of the time. Since I had only known these people all of 20 minutes and they were across the table looking straight at me, I asked DH if it was okay to nurse there, and he just said, "Do you mind if Amy feeds the baby?" (BTW, I love the way he says "feed the baby" rather than "nurse" because he thinks it's the default method of feeding infants. ) The other people said it was fine, and they did look away while I got the baby latched on. I don't know what I would have done if they had said it wasn't okay. We definitely wouldn't hang with them any more if they had.
AmyG is offline  
#19 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 10:43 AM
 
Britishmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 4,345
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Absolutely not. Like a bottle feeder wouldn't ask if they could feed their baby.

Actually, a while ago we went to a party at a friend's house. I know her fairly welll and like her a lot, and it took my by surprise when we arrived and in front of everyone she said "If you want to nurse, you can use the bedroom."

I honestly thought she meant "If you are uncomfortable nursing in front of these people, you are welcome to use the bedroom." So my response was "Oh, no, don't worry, I don't mind, I just nurse wherever I happen to be at the time."

She looked somewhat taken aback, at which point I realised that her meaning was "Please don't nurse here, so when you need to, please go into the bedroom." I had to laugh to myself, as I'd given, unwittingly, the perfect response, and there was nothing more that could be said.

Strangely, other people there whipped out their bottles of formula, and nobody gave them a second glance or suggested that they went into the bedroom to do it. I"m sure I was the topic of conversation after I'd left. :LOL :LOL :LOL
Britishmum is offline  
#20 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 02:12 PM
 
TiredX2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: it appears to be a handbasket
Posts: 20,475
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Strangely, other people there whipped out their bottles of formula, and nobody gave them a second glance or suggested that they went into the bedroom to do it.
I wouldn't have suggested they leave, but, I admit it, I would have given it a second look.

I don't ask because:

---Why would I?

---I think its like a blanket---it calls *way* more attention to it. Generally only other moms even know whats going on. DH notices about 1/2 the nursing moms I do, and thats after watching me nurse for the last 4.5 years.

---If they said no, I would have no idea what to do.

---I consider it just another activity to care for your baby. Some people think you shouldn't hold your baby *all the time* but I certainly wouldn't ask for input on that decision of mine. Or any other parenting decision that I might make while out in public (uhh, do you mind if I cloth diaper here? LOL)

Kay

 

 

TiredX2 is offline  
#21 of 45 Old 09-07-2003, 04:47 PM
 
Sustainer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: upstate NY
Posts: 10,709
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I absolutely would never ask permission. If anyone has a problem with it, my baby and I are not the ones who need to change.

-Alice, SAHM to dd (2001) and ds (2004) each of whom was a homebirth.jpg, who each self-weaned at 4.5 years bfolderchild.gif, who both fambedsingle2.gif'd, who were bothcd.gif, and both: novaxnocirc.gif.   Also, gd.gif, and goorganic.jpg!

Sustainer is offline  
#22 of 45 Old 09-08-2003, 06:48 PM
 
eilonwy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Lost
Posts: 15,406
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have never asked permission, although if I am in a store I usually ask for a place to sit down. (My gigantic breasts have caused me back problems since puberty : ).

DH has asked permission for me twice: Once when we were in a store. The clerk said "We don't have a special place, but she's welcome to sit down in any of our rocking chairs." Which was very funny, because I had already done so. :LOL

He also asked when we first went to visit his grandmother, who is very conservative and whom he respects and loves a great deal. She is Mennonite, and she said "Of course I don't mind. I nursed nine babies myself, didn't I?" She, incidentally, is very impressed that ds is still nursing and has never had any formula. What a great lady!

ITA that I wouldn't know what to do if someone said no. If someone is actually a friend, and they're uncomfortable, I'd be more inclined to force them to examine their feelings/thoughts on the matter than to leave. Not that any of my friends (or even acquaintences) have said anything to me about it (directly...: ). The closest was my best friend who came to vist Eli in the NICU. When he finally latched on and started nursing, he said "Dang! I can hear him snackin over here!" I think it reminded him that he was hungry, too! :LOL

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
eilonwy is offline  
#23 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 02:35 AM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 23,393
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally posted by mamato2
but last week, someone in a forum I go to said she was embarassed that a mom was nip at their dinner table without even asking permission to do so.
What would she have done if the person asked permission? Said no? Since it was a public place it's not like she has control. Heck, I've had people light up cigarettes in front of me and never asked me if I cared or not. Maybe she just wanted some warning of what was coming.

I can't remember if I ever asked to breastfeed in someone's house. If I was there, it was because I had been invited there for dinner or something, and they knew I was breastfeeding, so I figured they would know I would have to breastfeed in their house. I probably did turn away or go into another room to get my daughter latched on, because I didn't want to show my nipple. Since I nursed lying down most of the time, that wasn't usually a problem, but I might feel the need to explain while I'm suddenly going to stretch out on the floor.
Viola is offline  
#24 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 11:40 AM
 
gurumama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 1,828
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was at a friend's house for a kiddie birthday party where the grandparents were there as well (the kid's, not my son's). I knew that my friend's ILs were a bit weird about public nursing, so I asked her discreetly, "Where can I nurse?" She looked at me, shocked, and said "No!" emphatically. I realized she thought I said, "Can I nurse?" so I, rather piqued, said, "I asked WHERE can I nurse?" and she referred me to the older boys' bedroom.

A few minutes later she joined me--I nursed 14 mo Reilly and she nursed her 9/10 mo. As we nursed she told me they were going to start trying to conceive, and how she probably wouldn't bf that child, because bfing "ties me down so much. I feel stuck."

Well, gee, I'd feel stuck too if, in my OWN HOME, during my own son's birthday party that I was hosting, I was forced to hide in an upstairs bedroom whenever I needed to nurse. Sheesh! It REALLY put a bad taste in my mouth, and we now avoid all public events with that family. I still do playdates, where we both nurse freely. She told me her husbnad expects her to use a blanket AT ALL TIMES, even at home, because it's "discreet".

ugh...

eta: LOL! to answer the original question: sometimes.
gurumama is offline  
#25 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 02:09 PM
 
TEAK's Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Juneau, AK
Posts: 2,252
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't ask mostly because, like everyone else, I am unwilling to accept no for an answer. The more people who see us nurse, the better off future babies will be.
TEAK's Mom is offline  
#26 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 02:59 PM
 
MelMel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Land of the Cleves
Posts: 1,913
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
UlrikeDG said:

'Besides, if I can manage not to be offended by someone giving their baby artificial baby milk from a penis shaped bottle, they really shouldn't be offended by me giving my baby real human milk straight from the tap.'

(I STILL have no idea how to use quotes lol)

I hardly ever read anything that makes me REALLY lol, and that did it! sooooo funny!

I dont ask ever. I know that people are allowed by law to ask you to leave their house or not give permission in their home (Please correct if i'm wrong here) but by inviting me and my child over, they accept I must care for her in their presence (like someone else said) I've gotten 'are you gunna do that HERE' a few times, but I just laugh and say yeah, what of it.

I just dont make it or see it as an issue.
MelMel is offline  
#27 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 03:34 PM
 
Sustainer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: upstate NY
Posts: 10,709
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
People are allowed to make whatever rules they want in their own private home. They can say that you can only walk backwards while you're in their home, or they can say that you can't come in their home unless you have eyes of a certain color. It's only in public places, or in businesses, that no one is allowed to tell you that you can't breastfeed.

-Alice, SAHM to dd (2001) and ds (2004) each of whom was a homebirth.jpg, who each self-weaned at 4.5 years bfolderchild.gif, who both fambedsingle2.gif'd, who were bothcd.gif, and both: novaxnocirc.gif.   Also, gd.gif, and goorganic.jpg!

Sustainer is offline  
#28 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 04:09 PM
 
Pam_and_Abigail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 3,683
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have never asked permission. I don't think I ever would. If you're ok with me there, then you're going to have to accept me feeding my child. If I was in someone's house and they asked me to stop, I would leave and probably never speak to them again.
Pam_and_Abigail is offline  
#29 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 04:40 PM
 
LaurenS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Las Cruces, NM
Posts: 379
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have never asked permission to breastfeed my child nor will I ever. I have never asked permission to breathe in someone else's house, so why would I ask permission to feed my baby the way that nature intended? My mammory glands are natural and shouldn't make people feel uncomfortable. However, we live in a pretty messed up culture, where we are taught that mammary glands are shameful. I have felt uncomfortable feeding my child in front of people. But that doesn't stop me from doing it. And I feel that if I were to ask permission to do it, than I am saying that there is something wrong with it. I am feeding into our messed up culture's belief (no pun intended). I do have sympathy for those that feel uncomfortable around a woman who is breastfeeding her child. However, I am not going to leave the room, or cover up to make them feel better. It is their issue, not mine. When my child communicates that it is time to eat, I don't hesitate, I feed him. That is the most important reason. In addition, I also do it for those women who tell me that they only breastfeed their child in private. And I do it for those unfortunate children who were fed formula because our culture made their mothers too uncomfortable to feed them breastmilk. If I go into another room or cover up, this vicious cycle will never be broken. If someone has a problem with me attending to my child's needs, than they can leave the room, or look away. Or better yet, they can convince themselves that what I am doing is natural and that they feel uncomfortable only because they were taught to feel that way.
LaurenS is offline  
#30 of 45 Old 09-09-2003, 05:09 PM
 
Mallory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Wesley, AR
Posts: 2,576
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It has honestly never occured to me that I "could" ask to breastfeed. I guess just like LaurenS said that I never thought to ask to breathe either.

When my first was born, he was the first breasfed grandchild on ds's side. Although some of dh's siblings and cousins were breastfed, I am sure it was in a bedroom or under a blanket. But when ds was 3 or 4 days old we had gone to inlaws so they could meet ds (a big family gathering) and he started to fuss and I latched him on- wearing a nursing shirt and we really were good at it even at a few days old. And it is amazing how quickly I cleared that room! But now after nursing in front of them for almost 4 years, no one hardly even looks away even if I am nursing my 2 or 4 year old.
Mallory is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off