asked to cover at an up-coming wedding, wwyd? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-24-2008, 01:20 PM
 
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Respectfully, asking someone to nurse discreetly according to your personal standards isn't even remotely in the same category as asking someone to leave their black spouse behind. Not even in the same ballpark. I find the comparison a bit apalling.
I've been in both situations. Though the wedding was mine (my father was against the marriage and did not speak to me for nearly a year), and I was asked to leave the room when nursing at family functions (different family -- at that time we saw the family nearly every weekend and I would have been sitting alone for most of any visit). One cause a family breach, and one could have. Though the situations are not the same, there was anger, tears, and embarrassment in both.

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Old 10-24-2008, 01:30 PM
 
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I had a similar situation recently. My brother's best friend was getting married; my brother was the best man. My husband and I were invited. I asked if I'd be able to bring the baby; she was 3 mos at the time. The groom told my brother that, of course we coudl bring the baby, and that I could even nurse in the bridal suite. He made it sound like he was doing me a big favor. So, I said "Oh, thanks so much! But really, that won't be necessary. I'll be able to nurse her at the table."

A few days later, my brother came to me and told me that the the groom asked him to talk to me about nursing at the table. Apparently, he was afraid that his wife's family was going to be offended by me nursing my baby. I was VERY upset and my first reaction was to ask my brother to tell him that we just won't go. I didn't say it in a confrontational way, I explained it nicely to my brother that the baby would be out of her normal routine and would likely want to nurse a LOT, which would mean I'd spend the entire night in the bridal suite. No fun for anyone, so it was no biggie, I just wouldn't go.

The next week was his wife's shower, which I had already rsvp'd to, so I went, and brought the baby, and nursed her through the entire thing. The groom then spoke again to my brother (Yes, he has my # and could have called me directly at any point during this crap) to tell him that I was so discreet at the shower that he suddenly didn't mind if I nursed at hte wedding.

Of course, by this time, it was a week to the wedding, and I had nothing to wear and we had no money set aside for a gift. So, we ended up not going anyway.

DH was very supportive of me, when I asked him if I was just being too militant about the whole thing and he said "No way. If our daughter isn't good enough to eat at their table, we're not going."

It was a sucky situation. You and DH have to do whatever you are most comfortable with.

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Old 10-24-2008, 02:31 PM
 
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I would call the sling a blanket. The tail can act as one. Bring your baby, nurse discreetly w/o calling attention to yourself, and no one will notice or care.

For me, a wedding is the one place where I would consider excusing myself. People get crazy at weddings and a confrontation with some anti-nursing prude is just going to escalate into something ugly. I nurse to calm my baby down, and a fight with a psycho mother-of-the bride is going to create energy that my baby should not have to deal with.

You can do a lot to promote breastfeeding for people who think they are uncomfortable with it by showing that NIP isn't a big deal. I love nursing in the sling for this reason. Practice a lot & you will get the hang of it! I nursed in pouches at first to get the hang of positioning w/o having to deal w/adjusting the rings, then graduated to hands free nursing in the sling.

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Old 10-24-2008, 02:59 PM
 
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i have to admit i'm confused as to why this needs to be an all or nothing thing, why it's so important for you to win the arguement rather than come to a solution that works for everyone? why so angry at the guy? we live in a world where not everyone has the same values and beliefs and i don't think the best solution is to immediately exclude people from our lives just because they don't think the same way we do.

why not just tell BF, not to worry, she'll be covered? you already know you're going to use a sling, so it's not like the baby will be in view and he'll never know the difference.

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Old 10-24-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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I just don't get it. If you don't let a "friend" dictate what you do with your breasts and how you feed your baby then YOU are the one who doesn't value the friendship? You think it is OK to exclude someone for breastfeeding their child?
These are my personal opinions, and you are free to treat your friends(and respond to any requests) however you wish. I said, for me personally, b/c I value their friendship, I sometimes "give in" to imho silly requests.

I guess I don't understand how a close friend making a request that I use a blanket is somehow the same thing as dictating how and when I feed my baby.
I also don't see how he is excluding the OP in her situation. He didn't ask her to go to another room, he didn't ask her not to BF during the wedding....
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:19 PM
 
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I think this is the main point. The fact is, you could say nothing more to bf...go to the wedding...nurse whenever baby needs to...and NO ONE WILL NOTICE. Particularly the bf and bride, who will be - one hopes - busy getting married, dancing, and generally enjoying their wedding day, rather than inspecting the guests to see if any of them might be discreetly feeding a baby at Table 10.

People just don't realize how little usually shows when nursing (assuming you've worn convenient attire, which you mention doing). Its basically a non-issue, and for the sake of the friendship the best way to deal with it might be to pretend the dumb request never happened.
I would do this.
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:19 PM
 
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I just don't get it. If you don't let a "friend" dictate what you do with your breasts and how you feed your baby then YOU are the one who doesn't value the friendship? You think it is OK to exclude someone for breastfeeding their child?

As as been stated several times many babes will not accept being covered; sometimes it is too hot to cover. But the issues here is not even being covered; the groom is demanding the OP cover with specifically with a blanket. A sling, which can "cover" (or shield from view) a babe is apparently not acceptable.

:sigh: Friend family or otherwise, my breasts and how I feed my babes is not up for discussion.
But they're NOT excluding them. If you were going to be excluded from the wedding activities because of your babe's constant feeding (been there!!!) then it makes sense for YOU to not go. But it's their day. They shouldn't have to accomodate you. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to nurse discretly, for this very short period of time, or go somewhere private, don't go! The day is not about lactivism. Every other day can be, but give them this. It's kinda silly, but it's what they want.
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:21 PM
 
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It doesn't sound like the sling was rejected per se--I bet the groom has no idea what one is or that it provides better coverage than a blanket.

dd #1 11/15/07 and dd #2 unplanned and so glad the midwife was on her way!
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:49 PM
 
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OP, take your cute sling/dress combo and your sexy husband out somewhere special that night instead. Somewhere that celebrates your own marriage, maybe?

And have fun!
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:51 PM
 
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how about putting one of those really cute nursing hats on the baby? maybe even one that coordinates with the wedding colors or has a little wedding motif embroidered on it? that way, baby's not under a blanket, no one can see anything about which to be uncomfortable, and you are *both* making a reasonable compromise for the sake of friendship. ??
either way, i think just to say you'll "be covered" is all that needs to be said.
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Old 10-24-2008, 04:46 PM
 
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The story I'd like to share is similar to Mamajake's. My brother in law expected my husband and my DS to be in the wedding party, but the rest of the wedding was a no kids affair. DD1 was a nursling then, and so, the two of us couldn't attend the wedding for the same reason Mamajake gave, I wasn't willing to stow my baby away with a baby sitter, since me and the nursling were pretty well one unit. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law-to- be didn't understand, because they weren't parents yet, and they didn't really have a clue of how breastfeeding works. They just were products of our baby unfriendly culture. Several years later they had kids of their own, and maybe the understood where we were coming from.

In your situation, you aren't being excluded in an out and out fashion, but you are being told how to behave, you have been given the rules of how your behaviour will or will not be tolerated. It's not a "come as you are" event. And while I do understand that weddings dictate a certain style of dress, I think it's just a sad reflection on the prevailing wedding culture that children and breastfeeding dyads aren't made to feel more welcome in many of these events. There are many weddings that I have been to when, as part of the ceremony itself the minister specifically mentions that God blessed marriage as a place where children would be welcomed, and that one of the main purposes of the marriage union is for the procreation of children.
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Old 10-24-2008, 05:02 PM
 
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I honestly don't know why this is turning into such a big deal. Seriously...they guy is probably freaking out a bit because he dosen't know what to expect (with the nursing baby and his wedding LOL!)

I would casually just say "Oh don't worry, no boobs will flying around. You won't even notice us nursing." and leave it at that. No need to explain 'how' you will be covered, no need to take pictures before hand.

I mean really, don't blow it out of proportion.

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Old 10-24-2008, 05:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emmeline II View Post
I've been in both situations. Though the wedding was mine (my father was against the marriage and did not speak to me for nearly a year), and I was asked to leave the room when nursing at family functions (different family -- at that time we saw the family nearly every weekend and I would have been sitting alone for most of any visit). One cause a family breach, and one could have. Though the situations are not the same, there was anger, tears, and embarrassment in both.
I respect your experiences, but comparing an act of ignorance and hate (racism) to being asked to nurse discretely just blows my mind. They are not the same at all. Asking someone to cover up is ignorant, yes, but it's not hateful.

Mama to Thing 1 and Thing 2.
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Old 10-24-2008, 06:22 PM
 
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I honestly don't know why this is turning into such a big deal. Seriously...they guy is probably freaking out a bit because he dosen't know what to expect (with the nursing baby and his wedding LOL!)

I would casually just say "Oh don't worry, no boobs will flying around. You won't even notice us nursing." and leave it at that. No need to explain 'how' you will be covered, no need to take pictures before hand.

I mean really, don't blow it out of proportion.
I totally agree...I think we're all learning something here about how to react should we ever run into this. Say "Don't worry, it's taken care of" and then do what you need to. Escalating it and turning it into an argument beforehand is basically guaranteeing that the wedding couple will have their eyes on you all night trying to decide wether or not you're being discreet.

It is too bad that we are so far removed from babies and how they are fed that this is an issue. Ridiculous really.
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Old 10-24-2008, 07:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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WoW!!! This is way more imput than I expected.

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Originally Posted by Catubodua View Post
i have to admit i'm confused as to why this needs to be an all or nothing thing, why it's so important for you to win the arguement rather than come to a solution that works for everyone? why so angry at the guy? we live in a world where not everyone has the same values and beliefs and i don't think the best solution is to immediately exclude people from our lives just because they don't think the same way we do.

why not just tell BF, not to worry, she'll be covered? you already know you're going to use a sling, so it's not like the baby will be in view and he'll never know the difference.
Dh told bf that I would be covered but bf insists that the babies head must be covered w/ a blanket. None of my children have tolerated and frankly I am embarrased to use a blanket bcs it draws so much attention to the baby nursing. When I just nurse babe in the sling w/ my nursing dress no one will know.

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But they're NOT excluding them. If you were going to be excluded from the wedding activities because of your babe's constant feeding (been there!!!) then it makes sense for YOU to not go. But it's their day. They shouldn't have to accomodate you. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to nurse discretly, for this very short period of time, or go somewhere private, don't go! The day is not about lactivism. Every other day can be, but give them this. It's kinda silly, but it's what they want.
I bolded the above text bcs I feel this is the exact problem. I do nurse discreetly, I am small chested, will be wearing a nursing dress, baby will be in a sling, and I will have been nursing for 6 1/2 years so I am not clumsy and know how to nurse in a way that most people don't even notice
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I honestly don't know why this is turning into such a big deal. Seriously...they guy is probably freaking out a bit because he dosen't know what to expect (with the nursing baby and his wedding LOL!)

I would casually just say "Oh don't worry, no boobs will flying around. You won't even notice us nursing." and leave it at that. No need to explain 'how' you will be covered, no need to take pictures before hand.

I mean really, don't blow it out of proportion.
This is how I feel and what dh told bf but bf insists that I must have a blanket and as I don't ever use a blanket and none of my other children have been comfortable w/ a blanket and I feel that using a blanket draws unecessary attention to the baby nursing I just don't feel comfortable using one.
I feel sending bf a picture might give him a better understanding of the fact that my boobs are not going to be flopping around, i won't be topless, etc.
The fact that I was asked to cover w/ a blanket frustrates me bcs there is nothing to cover but the babies head and I feel that when he/she is eating they should not have to be doing so under a hot blanket.
We are going to send bf pics (of me in the nursing/maternity dress nursing 23 mo old ds, w/ my 7 month pg belly and then explain that it will be even less obvious than that) when we get a chance to take some. If he is still uncomfortable than I will choose not to go bcs I would be very uncomfortable and wouldn't want to knowingly put my baby and myself in that position.

I also wanted to say that bf never mentioned being discreet, he just said I must cover the baby w/ a blanket. And for the record all of my kiddos nurse constantly which would mean I would be walking around w/ a big flag on my shoulder for the entire wedding (ceremony, reception, etc.)

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Old 10-24-2008, 11:18 PM
 
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Instead, I would just scout out a private location to nurse when the baby got hungry - at 3.5 mos, the baby can probably easily go a few hours between feeds. If there was no suitable spot to nurse privately, I would nurse in the car.
not necessarily. DD was still nursing every 90 minutes at this age--unless she got tired soon after eating, in which case she'd nurse to sleep even 20 minutes after nursing.

if i had had to go to a wedding at this age and leave the room every time i nursed, i might as well not have been there at all.

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Old 10-24-2008, 11:21 PM
 
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WoW!!! This is way more imput than I expected.



Dh told bf that I would be covered but bf insists that the babies head must be covered w/ a blanket. None of my children have tolerated and frankly I am embarrased to use a blanket bcs it draws so much attention to the baby nursing. When I just nurse babe in the sling w/ my nursing dress no one will know.



I bolded the above text bcs I feel this is the exact problem. I do nurse discreetly, I am small chested, will be wearing a nursing dress, baby will be in a sling, and I will have been nursing for 6 1/2 years so I am not clumsy and know how to nurse in a way that most people don't even notice
.


This is how I feel and what dh told bf but bf insists that I must have a blanket and as I don't ever use a blanket and none of my other children have been comfortable w/ a blanket and I feel that using a blanket draws unecessary attention to the baby nursing I just don't feel comfortable using one.
I feel sending bf a picture might give him a better understanding of the fact that my boobs are not going to be flopping around, i won't be topless, etc.
The fact that I was asked to cover w/ a blanket frustrates me bcs there is nothing to cover but the babies head and I feel that when he/she is eating they should not have to be doing so under a hot blanket.
We are going to send bf pics (of me in the nursing/maternity dress nursing 23 mo old ds, w/ my 7 month pg belly and then explain that it will be even less obvious than that) when we get a chance to take some. If he is still uncomfortable than I will choose not to go bcs I would be very uncomfortable and wouldn't want to knowingly put my baby and myself in that position.

I also wanted to say that bf never mentioned being discreet, he just said I must cover the baby w/ a blanket. And for the record all of my kiddos nurse constantly which would mean I would be walking around w/ a big flag on my shoulder for the entire wedding (ceremony, reception, etc.)
That's really messed up. I'm sorry, mama. In this case I would skip the wedding & send DH.

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Old 10-25-2008, 12:02 AM
 
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I agree that covering just draws attention. No one will notice you nursing if you don't cover, everyone will notice you are nursing if you do cover. I would just point that out to dh's friend and say you don't want to draw attention away from the bride. Send some pics both ways, let him see for himself. There are some great ones online too.

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Old 10-26-2008, 12:16 PM
 
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they arent real friends if they do not acknowledge, support, and encourage your right to nurse your child. if they keep pressuring you, i wouldnt go.
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Old 10-26-2008, 12:20 PM
 
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These are my personal opinions, and you are free to treat your friends(and respond to any requests) however you wish. I said, for me personally, b/c I value their friendship, I sometimes "give in" to imho silly requests.

I guess I don't understand how a close friend making a request that I use a blanket is somehow the same thing as dictating how and when I feed my baby.
I also don't see how he is excluding the OP in her situation. He didn't ask her to go to another room, he didn't ask her not to BF during the wedding....
asking a bf mom to cover is demeaning and implies the woman is doing something shameful. it is just as badas being asked to leave and go to the bathroom.
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Old 10-26-2008, 12:27 PM
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i also use, "dont worry, it will be fine" and if the person persists, i bring up the baby's and my discomfort (as does my DH). if someone is so interested in *everyone's* comfort, then s/he should also be interested in the baby's and mama's comfort!

and a cover/blanket doesn't work for us! and no one sees anything anyway.
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Old 10-26-2008, 03:09 PM
 
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I've only read 2 pages of responses so far, but...

This sounds like a bride issue to me. A man who is so obviously ignorant to BFing, and who has seen you BF numerous times without "seeing", is unlikely to be tuned-in enough to suggest covering up without outside influence.

I'd go, nurse as usual, and have a grand time. No one will be looking at you during the service anyway and during the reception you'll probably want to find some place away from the loud music anyway (not that you *have* to!).

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Old 10-26-2008, 03:57 PM
 
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An ignorant friend can still be a real friend. So many people have no idea what this stuff is like until they're in it. I was the same way before I had kids. I wised up and there's a good chance these people will too, but think there is a lot of casting of aspersions on their characters that is kind of unfair.

FWIW, I covered up when I first started nursing my oldest. It made me more comfortable. I still nurse pretty discreetly and the top of my breast is almost always covered with my shirt.

You could always invite this friend over some evening and show him how easy it is to nurse discreetly without a blanket. It might open his eyes a bit. You could also politely and without anger explain to him how you're feeling about this. I'm guessing he has absoltuely no clue.

Mama to Thing 1 and Thing 2.
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Old 10-26-2008, 07:05 PM
 
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my sister got married and my dress was not very nursing friendly... both me and her new SIL had little ones we were BFing. My Sister generousy offered her "bride's room" to either of us, whenever we needed it to nurse.

I might suggest a compromise like this. Instead of asking you to cover up (becuase baby's are notorius for pulling off the blankets, ask if they can provide an alternative nursing spot. I am not nervous about BFing in front of people, but having that room was great, because he wasn't distracted by dancing and music, etc. Plus I was very comfortable with the water and fruit and dessert plate that was in there

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Old 10-27-2008, 02:19 AM
 
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That is pretty ridiculous. It's like asking somebody with, for example, blonde hair, to wear a hat in case other people don't like her hair. What the heck!?

I would go anyway and not cover up. Whatever.
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Old 10-27-2008, 04:20 AM
 
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wow what an awesome husband you have! imo it's not family. i wouldn't go. i know that's extreme but i would be highly offended if someone asked me to cover up. if it was close family like my sister or something i would probably tell her i'd cover up and then just not do it. but that's just how i am i guess.
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Old 10-28-2008, 04:21 AM
 
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These are my personal opinions, and you are free to treat your friends(and respond to any requests) however you wish. I said, for me personally, b/c I value their friendship, I sometimes "give in" to imho silly requests.

I guess I don't understand how a close friend making a request that I use a blanket is somehow the same thing as dictating how and when I feed my baby.
I also don't see how he is excluding the OP in her situation. He didn't ask her to go to another room, he didn't ask her not to BF during the wedding....
It is dictating how she can feed her baby.

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Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
But they're NOT excluding them. If you were going to be excluded from the wedding activities because of your babe's constant feeding (been there!!!) then it makes sense for YOU to not go. But it's their day. They shouldn't have to accomodate you. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to nurse discretly, for this very short period of time, or go somewhere private, don't go! The day is not about lactivism. Every other day can be, but give them this. It's kinda silly, but it's what they want.
It's not a silly request, it's an ignorant and offensive one. And the OP has said that she DOES nurse discreetly.

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Originally Posted by Mama Poot View Post
asking a bf mom to cover is demeaning and implies the woman is doing something shameful. it is just as badas being asked to leave and go to the bathroom.
Exactly.

OP, I would tell the groom that I would cover the baby's head with a blanket only if there are extra blankets/swatches of fabric available to cover anyone else who might be showing a little (or a lot of) boob. It's only fair.

~Beth, mama to two amazing girls, ages 12 and 6~

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Old 10-28-2008, 07:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to nurse discretly, for this very short period of time, or go somewhere private, don't go!
What the hell is this sentence doing on the lactivism board of MDC?

I'll be happy if I never hear or read the word 'discrete' in relation to breastfeeding again, putting all the onus on the nursing mama to not offend others.

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Old 10-28-2008, 11:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess I don't understand what a blanket has to do w/ being discreet. I feel that it draws unwanted attention to me and I also feel that there is nothing to cover.
I haven't decided what I am going to do yet. Will keep you guys posted.

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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Old 10-28-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amitymama View Post
What the hell is this sentence doing on the lactivism board of MDC?

I'll be happy if I never hear or read the word 'discrete' in relation to breastfeeding again, putting all the onus on the nursing mama to not offend others.
it made me go too
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