asked to cover at an up-coming wedding, wwyd? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 157 Old 10-21-2008, 11:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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UPDATE POST 141


My dh's best friend (who he has been bf w/ for over 10 years) is getting married in April. Dh is going to be a groomsman in the wedding so we were planning on flying out there. It is in ca and we are in NM. We will be taking just the baby (who is do in dec.) who will be about 3 1/2 months old. I of course will be nursing the baby.
Last night dh and his bh had a conversation that went something like:
bf- will you be bringing a blanket to the wedding
dh- for what?
bf- so your wife can cover while the baby is nursing?
dh- why?
bf- just in case other people are uncomfortable.
dh- why is it their business how we feed our child?
bf- i just wouldn't want them to be uncomfortable
dh- of what? They won't see anything. She will be wearing a nursing dress. Anyways it is just a teeny baby that has to eat, and it will keep them quiet during the wedding.
bf- I just don't want anyone to be uncomfortable
dh- then you should think about it and let me know if we need to buy plane tickets bcs she won't be covering.

Ok, so that is about how the conversation went and dh was really upset that his bf doesn't support his parenting choices, etc. He also really wants to be at the wedding to support is friend but isn't willing to compromise his values (I was really proud of him )

they haven't spoke about this issue but I just don't know what to do bcs we don't cover, I feel a blanket draws more attention to me and my children never like it, I want dh to be able to go to the wedding and support his bf, and i dont' want this to ruin the friendship. What do we do? Any advice would be appreciated.
TIA

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#2 of 157 Old 10-21-2008, 11:25 PM
 
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Personally I wouldn't go. But it's a tough one, given your dh's relationship. I guess it depends on how important it is for him to be there.

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#3 of 157 Old 10-21-2008, 11:26 PM
 
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Do you think that maybe it is the bride who is uncomfortable, and not some mysterious "other people"?
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#4 of 157 Old 10-21-2008, 11:28 PM
 
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I assume this guy has no kids, correct? And probably hasn't been around a mom nursing?

Personally, I'd go - if friend says something else I'd just blow him off- "don't worry- it'll be fine"



But no, I wouldn't nurse under a blanket.

-Angela
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#5 of 157 Old 10-21-2008, 11:29 PM
 
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Wow, this guy is really showing his butt on this. Is he implying that "other people's" comfort is more important than yours and the baby's? Because that is how it is coming across and it's really quite ugly.

So sorry you're having to deal with this, and :for your DH for sticking up for you!
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#6 of 157 Old 10-21-2008, 11:53 PM
 
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you could mention that you (or you dh or you new baby) would be uncomfortable if you had to cover up. maybe then we will realize the whole conversation is a little silly. i mean really. i still think its such a strange thing to be uncomfortable with.
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#7 of 157 Old 10-21-2008, 11:55 PM
 
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It sounds like your DH's friend is uncomfortable with BFing.

Before he potentially ends his friendship though I think he might want to have another conversation. What exactly is he afraid of? Does he think NIP involves whipping a boob out and hanging there entirely uncovered? I ask that in all seriousness. Before DD was born DH thought that's what it would be like and he didn't want me to NIP ever. I had to ask what exactly he was imagining. He had never seen anyone NIP and that was just his mental image.

If that doesn't work out he (DH's friend) has a few choices.

1. You guys can go, attend the wedding and the reception, and nurse DD wherever you are. If it's important that your DH be a groomsman these hypothetical "people" shouldn't matter.

2. You can go, your DH can stand in the wedding, but you go back to the hotel and don't attend the reception since they expect you to cover. The ceremony might be quick enough that baby won't need to nurse there. If you guys are comfortable with that, that is.

3. You can not go. Because feeding your baby is more important than people being offended by breasts.
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#8 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:05 AM
 
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I would buy the tickets, cover up and go. All friendships are based on compromising. I totally understand you and your husband's position but with everything going on in the world, this is such a small issue.

If you go, and cover up you will get over your anger. Look at it this way, in the future, this guy may have to suck something up in order to make you all comfortable. That is what friends do.

Good Luck!
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#9 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:13 AM
 
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I agree that covering up tends to call more attention to what you're doing. Maybe your DH could go by himself to support his friend, but explain that you couldn't come because putting a blanket over your baby's face makes you uncomfortable. This man wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable at his wedding, either, would he?

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mama to T, 5; L, 2; and EDD 12/20/08
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#10 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:20 AM
 
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I'd bring the most garish, fugly blanket I could find, and cover up with it. I'd use it as a burpcloth and a shawl when I wasn't using it to cover up my baby. I'd fling it around like I was a bullfighter. I'd bring as much attention to that nasty piece of fabric as I could without making a sound.

Okay, I wouldn't really do that. I'd send my husband to the wedding and I'd skip it. I probably would've skipped it anyway, though, since my kids tend to cry a lot at that age, and I wouldn't want the extra anxiety.

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#11 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:21 AM
 
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That seems like such a random question for him to ask your husband! It is crazy for him to be worrying about that on his wedding day. Has he been around you breastfeeding your toddler and possibly been uncomfortable with it so now he is assuming you will nip at the wedding?
I guess you will have to decide first, are you still going to go and second, if you ignore his wishes is your hubby ready to possibly lose a friendship over this? Good luck with whatever you decide!
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#12 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your replies.
I don't know how this baby will be but none of my others would have been willing to nurse under a blanket, especially not at 4 months.
Dh is going to talk to bf again and let him know how uncomfortable it makes us that he is asking us this, maybe try to explain it a little better.
I told dh I would be fine not going and he could just go but he doesn't want me to do that and is hurt that his friend is even suggesting this.
I think it might be bf fiance but don't know for sure.
bf has not been around many nursing moms but he has been around me several times when I had a really little one but he told dh that he had never seen me nurse. Dh said, um yeah she nursed the whole time you were here w/out covering. Guess he didn't notice

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#13 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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lizw - i missed your post. He has seen me nurse both an infant and a toddler but doesn't remember every seeing me nurse.
He knows i would be nursing at the wedding bcs that is what we do but also he was a bit worried about the baby being disruptive and dh told him htat it would be fine as i would just nurse the baby before it got fussy or if it didn't need to nurse I would head outside.

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#14 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:39 AM
 
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bf has not been around many nursing moms but he has been around me several times when I had a really little one but he told dh that he had never seen me nurse. Dh said, um yeah she nursed the whole time you were here w/out covering. Guess he didn't notice
I think this is the main point. The fact is, you could say nothing more to bf...go to the wedding...nurse whenever baby needs to...and NO ONE WILL NOTICE. Particularly the bf and bride, who will be - one hopes - busy getting married, dancing, and generally enjoying their wedding day, rather than inspecting the guests to see if any of them might be discreetly feeding a baby at Table 10.

People just don't realize how little usually shows when nursing (assuming you've worn convenient attire, which you mention doing). Its basically a non-issue, and for the sake of the friendship the best way to deal with it might be to pretend the dumb request never happened.
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#15 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:39 AM
 
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Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
you could mention that you (or you dh or you new baby) would be uncomfortable if you had to cover up. maybe then we will realize the whole conversation is a little silly. i mean really. i still think its such a strange thing to be uncomfortable with.
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#16 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:44 AM
 
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i'm surprised that would even come up in the conversation, but good going for your dh.

i don't know if i'd want to go to a wedding where the attitude is piss poor towards potential guests. sorry you have to deal with it, but great you have such a well spoken dh!

mama to callum (april 8,07) and everett (sept 24,09) - blessed to be married to my life's love since '98. novaxnocirc.gif

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#17 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
I'd bring the most garish, fugly blanket I could find, and cover up with it. I'd use it as a burpcloth and a shawl when I wasn't using it to cover up my baby. I'd fling it around like I was a bullfighter. I'd bring as much attention to that nasty piece of fabric as I could without making a sound.
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#18 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:50 AM
 
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How bout covering "under" :-) Have you seen these?
http://www.mom4life.com/catalog.php?item=272
http://www.shopninemoons.com/

I would have LOVED to have these while I was nursing. I nursed everywhere I went, with no one ever commenting about it (except my best friend...."you're nursing a 2 year old in a restaurant????") Anyway, where baby is hungry...where ever a bottle is acceptable... I nursed:-) BUT, I did have some pride issues with my tummy:-0 And something over your tummy is more discreet than something over your shoulder:-)

:-)
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#19 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 01:05 AM
 
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I'd either not attend or I'd be respectful of my dh's friend's wishes. This is his day and if he had an issue at his wedding about me nursing my child without a blanket, I'd try to respect that. I would not feel the same in almost any other venue or situation.

If you choose to go perhaps you could try to find out if there is a private room you can go to to nurse and this will be a compromise of some sort.

Mama to Thing 1 and Thing 2.
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#20 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 03:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by alegna View Post
I assume this guy has no kids, correct? And probably hasn't been around a mom nursing?

Personally, I'd go - if friend says something else I'd just blow him off- "don't worry- it'll be fine"
I like this approach.
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#21 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 03:37 AM
 
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I remember getting married and worrying about the most ridiculous things...a nursing mum wouldn't have been one of them though.

Maybe DH could rephrase BF's comments back to him "You want me to force my child to wear a hot blanket over his head while he's eating?" or "You're worried about my family disrupting your wedding? Would you prefer they not come?" I think BF needs to hear what he's sounding like right now and if they're so close, needs to come clean as to where this is all coming from.
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#22 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 06:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by I-AM-Mother View Post
I would buy the tickets, cover up and go. All friendships are based on compromising. I totally understand you and your husband's position but with everything going on in the world, this is such a small issue.

If you go, and cover up you will get over your anger. Look at it this way, in the future, this guy may have to suck something up in order to make you all comfortable. That is what friends do.

Good Luck!
I agree. I don't cover normally but I did cover at my sister in law's wedding, because she asked me to, & the reaction of guests was a real concern of hers.
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#23 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 10:16 AM
 
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I think this is the main point. The fact is, you could say nothing more to bf...go to the wedding...nurse whenever baby needs to...and NO ONE WILL NOTICE. Particularly the bf and bride, who will be - one hopes - busy getting married, dancing, and generally enjoying their wedding day, rather than inspecting the guests to see if any of them might be discreetly feeding a baby at Table 10.

People just don't realize how little usually shows when nursing (assuming you've worn convenient attire, which you mention doing). Its basically a non-issue, and for the sake of the friendship the best way to deal with it might be to pretend the dumb request never happened.
Exactly the advice I was going to give. As if he's going to have time to notice whether you brought a blanket or not! Goodness sake. Sounds like he's just freaking out over details and everything going perfectly. I would ignore his request, act like the conversation never happened, go and not cover. If he notices and makes a big stink about it then his wedding was either really boring or he's not the best friend your DH thought he was.

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#24 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 11:38 AM
 
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this is the most ridiculous thing I have heard... I have nursed my older DD at 2 weddings. One, I didn't cover at all, except a small burp cloth over the top of my breast and at the other, there was a really nice lounge with a rocking chair, and I nursed in there because it was quiet and comfortable for us, not because I was hiding...

I think you should tell your DH to tell his BF that you will be very discreet and leave it at that. your nursing dress should cover you enough that no one will know your nursing anyway. (and if they do, who cares???)
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#25 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 11:53 AM
 
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First of all, : to your DH - he sounds very cool!

I hate weddings, I hate flying, and I hated taking my 3 1/2-month old baby anyplace, so I'm probably the wrong person to comment. And most people don't want infants at weddings at all - do you think this could be the bride's ploy to exclude your baby?

But I would stay home. If it's important to DH and his friend that DH stand up for him, let DH go. Actually, I did this exact thing when DD was a baby. DH had a great time, and I didn't have to suffer through traveling with an infant. And I hadn't even been insulted beforehand!

But if you really want to go, then nurse as needed, in whatever way makes you and your baby feel comfortable.

I guarantee once this couple has kids, this guy is going to feel like a jerk for his judgmental words.

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#26 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 11:57 AM
 
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I'd either not attend or I'd be respectful of my dh's friend's wishes. This is his day and if he had an issue at his wedding about me nursing my child without a blanket, I'd try to respect that.
Like someone else said, friendship is about compromise.
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#27 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 12:13 PM
 
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Do you use a sling? Maybe dh could tell his friend nto to worry the baby will be in the sling most of the time and you can't tell if babe is nursing or sleeping because the of the sling? That way you are not even needing to say you will cover up, but he gets to reassure the "others" that no boobies will be bouncing around the room (except onthe dance floor I am sure)
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#28 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 01:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First of all, : to your DH - he sounds very cool!

I hate weddings, I hate flying, and I hated taking my 3 1/2-month old baby anyplace, so I'm probably the wrong person to comment. And most people don't want infants at weddings at all - do you think this could be the bride's ploy to exclude your baby?

But I would stay home. If it's important to DH and his friend that DH stand up for him, let DH go. Actually, I did this exact thing when DD was a baby. DH had a great time, and I didn't have to suffer through traveling with an infant. And I hadn't even been insulted beforehand!

But if you really want to go, then nurse as needed, in whatever way makes you and your baby feel comfortable.

I guarantee once this couple has kids, this guy is going to feel like a jerk for his judgmental words.
I told dh that i didn't need to go but he is just so hurt that this is even an issue that he feels if he has me stay home then he will be telling his friend that it is ok to treat other people like htis, and it is not! I will support him however he needs me to. I don't want to be somewhere that I am not welcome.

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Do you use a sling? Maybe dh could tell his friend nto to worry the baby will be in the sling most of the time and you can't tell if babe is nursing or sleeping because the of the sling? That way you are not even needing to say you will cover up, but he gets to reassure the "others" that no boobies will be bouncing around the room (except onthe dance floor I am sure)
I have a sling that will match me dress (I have already put thought into this). Dh told bf that baby would be in a sling and no one would notice. but bf just doesn't seem to get it. Thinks I am going to have my whole boob hanging out. I am very small chested, will have the baby in a sling, and will be wearing a nursing dress, Way less obvious than covering w/ a blanket. I just don't get it.

Dh suggested we take a pic of me nursing in the dress and send it to bf so he could see, hate to have to prove myself but might be a good solution.

nicole wild.gif,  mom to 3 boys here on earth jumpers.gif 9, 7 and 4.5 and 2 girl's fly-by-nursing2.gif2.5 and 10/16/11. Always remembering my babies in heaven:  Sam (9/7/05) at 12.5 wks  angel1.gif, Morgan (2/13/06) at 6 wks angel1.gif , Emeric angel2.gif (8/9/10 at 17 wks) and Pepper angel1.gif (11/26/10) at 8wks. 

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#29 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 01:32 PM
 
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Your DH is awesome
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#30 of 157 Old 10-22-2008, 01:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
I'd bring the most garish, fugly blanket I could find, and cover up with it. I'd use it as a burpcloth and a shawl when I wasn't using it to cover up my baby. I'd fling it around like I was a bullfighter. I'd bring as much attention to that nasty piece of fabric as I could without making a sound. .
laughuplaughup: i was going to say this!

Erika, wife to Eric, Mom to Son's, Mathias, Colin and Bonus Baby Girl Salem ::
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