My FIL passed away from a heart attack very suddenly on Thursday. He seriously just dropped dead while visiting after being busier and more active over the last weeks than he's been in years. I wasn't really that close to him, and have an awkward relationship with the rest of my in-laws. There are some very real differences in DH and my religious beliefs that causes strain, and I'm expecting more now that we have kids. We are, however all pulling together as a family right now, and obviously there are a lot of emotions happening, and I'm struggling with how much I really am outside of the family. I am not grieving so deeply for my relationship with FIL (I will miss him, but we never became close), but for DH and his sisters, mother and brother. I've been a part of the family for 10years, and it's so hard to see them grieving.
Anyhow, I am exhausted, after standing in a reception line for 4hours over 2days, shaking complete strangers hands and answering a bazillion questions. Plus being with his family most of the time. The funeral hasn't even happened yet, it's tomorrow. I actually had the thought tonight that I'm dreading labour, just cut me open and let's be done with it, because I don't have the energy to deal. I hope baby waits a week or two so that I can gain perspective. With my luck I'll go 42weeks+ and have a 15lb child, but I still can't help but tempt fate and hope that he's not born until closer to my EDD. I've not got baby's clothing sorted, nor is ds#1's new room ready...
Anyhow, I'm so saddened by the thought that I was so looking forward to this birth, to birthing with my mw's, and bringing this baby into the world gently (as compared to ds#1's birth), and now I just don't think I have the strength emotionally or physically to deal with it.
Thanks for reading, I really just needed to get all that out.