Maybe it's all these pregnancy hormones, or what, but I am feeling slightly nervous this time around. The first time around, I was so upbeat and happy, and I just "felt" that everything was going to be fine with the baby. I didn't even consider something happening to me. Now, I think that I know the dangers more and I am more nervous about the labor and delivery. Plus, I also feel like I have more to lose. KWIM? I keep thinking, what if something happens to me, who will take care of dd? I also can't help but think, will I love this dd as much as I love my first dd? I know that is ridiculous, but everything about this experience is different from the first. The first was so exciting. This one feels more like a right of passage than an all-glorious journey. KWIM?
So, to add to my general angst, I recently watched that darned movie "Jersey Girl" (Don't watch the beginning!!) where the the mom had an unexplained anurism while pushing and died. I knew that something had to happent to the mom because the plot revolved around a dad (Ben Afleck) who was raising his daughter. I should have turned it off, but I felt compelled to watch it. For the rest of the film, I just couldn't get passed the beginning of it. It has totally stuck with me. On top of that, I learned recently of a mom from the pre-school who passed away from cancer. She was only 30 and her dd is 4. I never knew her, but I remember seeing her a couple of times. I cried for 2 days and still feel teary eyed now when I think about that type of loss. How tragic. It just makes me think of my own mortality and what that would mean for my kids. It's something that I never dwelled on too much, but now it is in my head a lot.
I guess all of this combined has made me feel a little more apprehensive about having this baby. Maybe it's because it's getting closer and closer and I feel unprepared (clothes to wash, crib to set up, etc. etc.) Does anyone else relate?
Sorry if this post is a total downer. I'm generally very optimistic.