Well, I've been pretty sick. I don't throw up that often, but I quite frequently feel on the verge of it. I'm also worried about the baby, because I feel less pregnant this week, and it looks like my belly got smaller. But I'm really sick, so that's reassuring me.
Last night I had a dream about a miscarriage.
It was right now, b/c I was 9 weeks. It was nighttime and I felt a cramp low in my belly, and I went to the bathroom, and there was bloody mucus dripping from me. Then my body did this uncontrollable push, and my baby landed in the toilet. She was still alive, so I picked her up (it was a she). She was way more formed than she would be at 9 weeks, and much bigger. More like a 30 + week baby. Her eyes were very clear, and she looked at me questioningly. After a few minutes, she started to fade, until then I thought she might live, but she'd close her eyes and stop breathing, then come back. DH was outside chopping wood or clearing snow (??), and he came in and we just held her while she passed. The name that came to me was Elizabeth Hope. She was very alert and aware for the few moments she was alive. In the dream, I was emoitonal, but not sad, and guiltily enough, was relieved that the nausea would be over, and dd would get her milk back.
You know, in the dream, the baby I held was real, not just an indistinct baby with no qualities. And it's the same spirit/personality I dreamt was my baby last week. Last Thursday I dreamt that I gave birth in a more rural hospital in a town about an hour from here (where dh and I want to move), and I was completely unaware of the birth. I think I either had some pain drugs that knocked me out completely or I had a c-section. As I was recovering, I sat in the hospital room, facing the wall, away from the door. Dh came in, bringing me the baby (same girl, I realize now). It was hours and maybe days after the birth. I was so disconnected from it, that I didn't even want to turn around and meet my daughter. She was smiling and engaging, but I just felt withdrawn.
Thinking about these dreams makes me almost cry. Especially last night's.
So, I'm beginning to think it's a girl in there...