I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm sick of being tired and uncomforatble in bed. I have stretchmarks and they itch like crazy. Even the shea butter isn't working anymore. I hate these crazy preganacy hormones. I've been so depressed and I'm on Wellbutrin, which I didn't want to do but I have been feeling suicidal (I haven't told anyone this) so I needed to do something. I hate that I feel like I"m the only one interested inthis pregnancy. And I am sick to death of my husband saying he'll help out around the house and with grocery shopping and then not and then complaining the house is a mess and we have no food. DUH!!!!!
I hate that it's dark outside when I get home from work. I'm not getting enough exercise, which is probably making the depression worse. I hate sitting in this dark little cubicle all day. No natural light, it's making me crazy.
I hate our fancy house and fancy cars. I'm tired of tiptoing around trying not to break or ruin anything. I scraped dh's new car on the stupid skinny garage last night. No real harm done, and he's the ass who couldn't tear himself away from NASCAR so I could take my car to go see a movie. This isn't the life I wanted. I want to play outside and I want to fingerpaint with my dd in the living room. I don't want someone to cringe every singe time I drop something on the floor 'cause, OH MY G*D, I might have scratched the floors.
Oh and why is it naive to want to use less environmentally toxic cleaners? And if it is, SO FREAKING WHAT???!!!!! Why is it bad to hold onto ideals past age 25? To want to make this world a better place fomr my childern and grandchildren? Dh does the dishes like once a month tops, so what does he care, and how would he know if the seventh generation stuff doesn't work as well as dawn.
And is it too much to ask that we not have the TV on when dd is up and playing? Does dh really NEED to watch NASCAR and football and the simpsons AND... instead of paying attention to me and his dd? Seriously in the middle of my sentance last night he started to turn the TV on. Why does't he see that as rude? And Dateline is a crappy sensationalized show with no real information worth retaining. TURN IT OFF and take the poor dog for a walk!!!!!!!!!!! And on the subject of dh...isn't it funny that when I started cooking fresh veggies and beans and rice, you started to lose weight. You poor thing having to endure beans and veggies and rice. Oh G*D if it might be healthy it reminds you of, HEAVEN FORBID, your mother's lentil loaf. I'm not your mother...quite rebelling aginst me as if I was.
And I'm tired of not fitting in anywhere. I'm too mainstream to be crunchy and too crunchy to be mainstream. All I want is some friends that won't give me hard time for cloth diapering when I can and cosleeping and not CIO and working nearly fulltime and living in yuppiville. My mom thinks I'm ruining her grandchild, and I can't even tell her that I"m homebirhting, 'cause she'll freak out and worry and I really don't want the negative vibes. What happened to accepting people for who they are?
And don't get me started on politics...it's just all too depressing and overwhelming.
I'm sorry if someone has actually read this. Watch out for the crazy pregnant lady, she's off her rocker today.
I need a good cry and a good walk and a massage...and someone to make me a really nice dinner and clean my house.