Jan. Mamas Dec. 12-18 - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 98 Old 12-18-2004, 11:52 AM
 
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Sorry to unburden myself on you guys, and I hope this doesn't sound too petty. Here goes ~

First, a bit of background: My DH is a visiting prof here at a University this year, but is actively applying for tenure-track positions coming up this Fall. He's been getting an overwhelming response, and has 6 interviews at the end of the month in Boston (they have a big conference where all the major universities try to do all their short-list hiring). That's all fine and good. It's kind of crappy that he has to leave on Boxing Day and be gone until New Year's, but it's really awesome that he's gotten these and I am so excited and proud for him.

But, here's the kicker. He got a call last night from a University in Canada, asking to fly him in for an interview. This is better than just being short-listed; he's one of three candidates, and he is in the top place right now. This is wonderful too, and so exciting! The thing is, he agreed to fly in for a three or four day interview process, leaving here on January 13th. I will be 38 1/2 weeks pregnant, and this makes me so anxious. At first, I thought it was just for a day and still I was not feeling great about it, but then I find out it's for 3 or 4 days (can't remember which)!!

Ok, so he is obviously not thrilled about this either. He feels awful about the possibility of missing the birth, but I feel like he's not really getting it ~ i.e. for him, he misses the birth, which would be very disappointing. But, as he said it, "well, we can always talk on the phone! That would be special too!" WTF??? I feel so torn. I want to be very supportive, and I truly am excited for him and so proud. But I have to admit that I feel abandoned! True, there is nothing to say that I *will* go into labor during those three days, still I feel like it is such a horrible time to fly thousands of miles away.

The other tough part is that we are having a homebirth (with midwives I LOVE and have complete faith in), but we were hoping to have DD present for the birth. We don't have ANY family here at all. No one. We have friends that are more like good acquaintances, and while we do have back-ups set up to take DD if it is absolutely necessary, these are not people she knows well and would not be very comfortable. If I am giving birth alone, I feel like I would have a very hard time mentally/emotionally caring for DD at the same time. Even though we will have midwives, I think she needs someone who can really care for her if need be. That was supposed to be DH (as well as being my birth partner!) He was absolutely incredible as a support during our first birth. Now I feel like not only will I give birth without him, but our hopes to have her there will not be realized. I cannot see how I could manage, nor would I want the added stress of preparing for that.

So I just feel like crying about this all the time, and then I feel silly ~ like I'm overreacting. I am not even due until the end of January, but our dates are not great because I didn't ever get my period back after DD's pregnancy and plus she was born 16 days ahead of her EDD too. I feel so disappointed, like I am being asked again to "take one for the team" (it has NOT been an easy year & a half, with his thesis work, etc.)

DH's hands are tied in many ways, I know. He wrote a long and very good email to the department of that University last night asking if they would delay his interview 3 weeks. Unfortunately, they wrote back this evening that the job search cannot continue into February, and the best they can offer is bumping his interview forward to January 10th. I *guess* that is better???? Although, that is PRECISELY how far along I was when DD was born! I do know that doesn't mean anything necessarily, but still I cannot help but feel awful about both of these choices.

Thank you so much for reading. I just felt like I had to let this out somewhere, and not just to poor DH who is juggling a million things at once and feels terrible enough abou this already.
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#92 of 98 Old 12-18-2004, 12:23 PM
 
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Ooooh Kathy, that sounds so not fun! But wonderful for dh who is going to get a new job I felt the way you do, but to a much lesser degree, when my mw decided to go on vacation the week from xmas to new year, which is the week I'm due! Just remember, babies know when to come, and if dh is gone, yours will wait patiently for him to return. Will you have more than one mw there? Can you hire a doula to assist with dd? Around here a lot of the doula "agencies" offer childcare services postpartum, why not during labor? That way she'd be in the comfort of home where she feels safe, and you wouldn't have to worry about her.

Housework: I put laundry baskets at the bottom of the stairs, DH brings them up and leaves them in the second bedroom so I don't even have to put them away right away, he's always done the dishes (I hate hate hate dishes!) and he's on pet duty as well. I leave grocery sacks in the driveway behind my car and he brings them in, or he goes to the store with me. It's been rather nice. I hope he keeps it up for a few weeks after baby.

MW gave me a cert. for a massage when I started the practice, I haven't been able to remember and call/schedule it with the masso though. Maybe I can remember on Monday, since work is done.

Oooh the last day of work was pure chaos, I had all kinds of garbage to deal with, my dept. decided to have a mini shower, and the kids had a holiday party planned too. It's really hard to attend 2 parties while dealing with a supervisor from downtown and parents. And at the end of the day, Santa made a special guest appearance - it was too cute how my high school kids got rather wide eyed when he walked in. One of my coteachers happens to moonlight as a singing and dancing santa - he's a BIG guy, and quite convincing when in costume.

Off to enjoy my first morning of vacation, the dog and I are going to lay in the sunbeams...

Lisa

Lisa, mama to Lauren, Elliot, angel Marion, and baby due in the fall.
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#93 of 98 Old 12-18-2004, 01:51 PM
 
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Kathy!
It sounds like there's no other alternative to your dh leaving..... so I second what Lisa said about looking into finding a doula to help with dd during your birth. I think it would be extremely challenging for you to labor alone (though I doubt you have the baby while dh is gone..... baby will wait!) and take care of a toddler. IMO that's just too much stuff!

I'm sure your mws could recommend someone? She could get to know DD before the birth and then it could be fun for DD to have a play date while you labor. This might be a good thing even if your dh is there- because then he could be free to concentrate on you.

Visualize the birth with your dh there.... EDDs are nebulous, and though you went early last time, it doesn't mean you will this time. every pregnancy and birth is different!!!

Take care!

Karen
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#94 of 98 Old 12-18-2004, 02:15 PM
 
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Kathy,
I can totally empathize.

DH got a job in arizona when i was 36 weeks pregnant with ds3. i stayed with kids in chicago to have a homebirth. his flight didn't land until ds3 was a few hours old because my labor was quick and mild and there were so many miles between us.

the birth was totally incredible, painless until pushing (really) and the kids slept through it (ds2 woke up once for a sleepy five minute nursing session and went back to bed). my midwives were amazing and supportive; but i was totally relaxed and focused on relxing my uterus and being in the moment. if dh had been there i probably would have had him in choke hold asking him to rip the kid out (like i did my first two natural births). without him there i needed to be strong and i was given extra grace and patience and strength.

you can do it, i promise. even after if you are alone for a few days you will pass them quickly. your older child might watch more tv than usual or get less of your best time. i didn't join dh with the kids until ds3 was one month old. if i could make it 6 weeks alone in third story walk-up condo with no help and three kids under five, I KNOW ANYONE CAN. I can be a real weenie.
that's not to say i didn't cry a lot and heal a little slower and that dh didn't feel that loss of the birth. we make do with what we have to. for a good teaching position, in your case, it IS worth it. just remind yourself of that..and your baby might wait to come out.

i have been living this reality a little with dh working 7:30am-11:30pm most days and working weekends too. my three kids run me wild and i can't bend over to clean up the food on the cheap apartment carpet (looks terrible) or reach the cabinets to wash dishes or afford good coffee for those late nights. BUT we are surviving. my standards are a little lower and my patience a little thin, but i always look at these difficult moments as something we have to perservere through to get to the good stuff. pretty soon w'll be holding those babies in pur arms and we might not even remember who said what to us while we pushed them out or if it was a midwife or our partners holding our hands or heads.

you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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#95 of 98 Old 12-18-2004, 11:06 PM
 
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Hi All,
I'd love to see more pictures of you all..... it's so nice to put a face (and belly!) with the name!
Here are some 34 week pics from last? week

http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeEsmLZw2bODg
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#96 of 98 Old 12-19-2004, 02:34 AM
 
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WOW!~ Karen, you are Gorgeous!!! Your belly looks wonderful. I will ask someone to take a pic. of me this weekend, most of our pics are ones I take of them... NOT that it will have beautiful black sandy beaches, or beautiful green trees, or children playing happily in shortsleeves... it's freeking Decemvber in upstate NY... cccccold! But I agree it's really nice to put a face/belly to the words and 'issues'. Btw, KM, it doesn't sound like you are lazy, but LOVED! Enjoy it.

Busy weekend, with parties etc. all over the place, but it's not going to last. This is THE busy weekend for us. After this we get to chill and enjoy time a bit. Dd has 2 wks off school, dh is not taking any time off, that I can tell, and given that he's NOT going to FLA for a conference, I shall not mention one word of complaint... I do feel for you Kathy - it really sounds like it's been hard, and it isn't looking like a super rosey near future, but HANG IN THERE! It sounds like dh has some real potential for a great job, maybe even one that will allow for a little bit of down time for grown-ups while kids have a ton of fun doing something supervised...of course not this spring, but maybe a year or two from now...kwim? Give yourself time and patience enough for vision, and know that you have the strength of the angels that look after you always. Do you have a regular babysitter? If you do, maybe you can ask for some help, esp. if it's not the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?! Maybe they'd come and be with dd while you're in the heat of it all, even with dh there, it might be nice for you two to have someone else in charge of her, just for the intense part. I do love the doula idea, but they're expensive, the flip side is they'll come whenever you call and stay as long as you need them, pretty much... sigh. no easy answers, but maybe some options. g'nite mamas! andy

Mama to B and O , wife to J and me to me! :
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#97 of 98 Old 12-19-2004, 02:54 AM
 
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thanks andy Please DO send pics of yourself!

I'm sorry it's so cold there!!! But at least you aren't super sweaty at the end of every day like I am. And isn't that little kid in the background cute? That's my friend's little girl who I adore. She's 2 1/2 and my older ds is so in love with her and begged me for a sister like her- i.e. he "caused" this pregnancy! lol!

Re: the doula issue for kathy. there are tons of doulas and birth junkies who will attend births for free so they can be there- also after taking doula workshops they need to attend a certain # of births to become certified.... look around your area- I'm sure you could find someone like that!
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#98 of 98 Old 12-19-2004, 04:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malama
I'm sorry it's so cold there!!! But at least you aren't super sweaty at the end of every day like I am.
I am always sweating here too in Miami. Though the last week has been a lot cooler, 50's-60's at night and 70's during the day, not bad.
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