Mamamaya - Although it sounds like there may be past birthing issues to continue to work through, it sounds like there may be something else blocking your joy. Is home very busy? Are you finding time for yourself (even a little)? You know more about what's happening than anyone. Draw, paint, write, build with clay, cook, do whatever you need to do to get some ofthe issues up to the surface so you can deal with them. Don't let it go - it will snag up your birth journey. Deal with yourself!
I xported with dd, and the xfer was AWFUL! I hated the hospital, never got a good nurse, and the mw we had w/us stunkola. It was a complete disaster. We DID get a beautiful daughter out of it, so I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but am I visualizing ooooopen ooooopen ooooopen - even now. During b/h conx's, I visualize thinning, and at night I work on the opening thing.
I'm making a little scrapbook of beautiful pictures (mostly waterfalls) that I really like. While I'm in labor, if I am cogent enough to actually turn a page, I plan on using them to focus on during later labor - ooooopen. As malama said, use visualization to your advantage. Write stuff down that seems to work, so that dh or mw or whomever is present can help you remember what works for you. And talking through some of the issues may be very helpful to getting some of the stress and anxiety OUT in the ooooopen.
Your remembering the last birth experience isn't necessarily going to predict how this next birth progresses. It probably will not be as traumatic, it may not feel as powerful, your body certainly has had a lot of practice and is going to know exactly what to do. If you have a lot of confidence in your mw's, you should really be in a good place. If you aren't feeling totally confident in the mw, you need to verbalize that (not necessarily to them, but get it out in the ooooopen) and have someone supportive there for you so that if things "fall apart" you are not left feeling like there isn't support. My dh is terrible with the whole birth process - really doesn't handle it well. He's good to have around, because he's a great cook, can handle the phones, door, kid, dog etc., but I really can't count on him to be supportive of ME - something that I think is pretty critical. So I found a mw group that all stick together, don't have a lot of clients at once, and make the birthing mom a MAJOR priority. There should be 4 attending doulas/mw's at my birth, which makes me really feel valued, special, cared for and supported. It's what I need. Make sure you are taking care of yourself FIRST - get what you need!
Ok, I'm ready to jump off my soapbox now, I want you to know that you are an awesome mom, and you are going to have a completely unique and exciting experience with this new baby. Remember to breathe into the baby when you are feeling anxious and tight. Belly breathing is excellent to release endorphins and other good drugs into your system when you're feeling tense. Ooooopen..... lots of love and