Townson, it seems like your daughter relished in the power of knowing something the younger kids didn't. Good luck on the reset. We also strive to have our resets include a significant amount of physical contact with us. We mostly do that these days when we read to them or just reading sitting side by side, but in contact with each other.
Loft, I'm glad to see you're taking time for yourself. I'm not sure who gets to lean hospice as a relaxes, unstressed pace. Many hugs. If there's an actual hospice book you recommend, can you pass me the title? I'd like to get it for my RP, who just found her mom a nursing home due to her ALS. Peace and comfort to you all.
Workouts: painting. We painted one most walls and the ceiling baby-puke cream, and the other walls foremilk-hindmilk imbalance poop green.
Soccer coaching. What was that "no" word you guys keep saying? For 8 and 9 year old boys, any strategies to teach the emotional regulation of not retaliating when you get bumped around (=shoving the other player after the ball's long moved on) and not losing your $hit when you get scored on and lose (=punching someone on the other team in the stomach when we line up to slap hands, then sobbing on the sidelines in dad's arms for 20 minutes after the game)? As it is, I bring up sportsmanship and teamwork every time. Things weren't helped by less-than-great (high school aged volunteer) reffing.
Geo - yikes! That soccer situation sounds awful! I have NO idea how to remedy it other than the dreaded red card. Maybe if one kid gets carded for bad behavior, the rest will get the message? I'm so not good with group discipline (see my earlier posts on the Brownie troop fiasco). I know the kinder, gentler Dingoes among us will have better ideas. I tend to draw heavily from my German mother when it comes to discipline .
sparkle - I'm so sorry you're finding yourself descending into sadness again. Honestly, I would give antidepressants a try. Prozac saved my life 20 years ago.
Real - to you in dealing with your DH. FWIW, I put folded piles in everyone's rooms for them to put away, including DH. I wash, dry, iron if needed, sort and fold. You can open the %$#^ drawer and stick the pile inside !
Nic - nice job on the 1/2 marathon!
RR - meeting a couple of friends to walk this morning.
Enjoy your walk, JayGee!
There are no red cards in this league. The refs are young, inexperienced, and marginally effective. I do as much coaching of them as I do the players. I've done things like reminded them the rules on goal kicks at half time, but mostly I do things like go up to them and say "great job - hey, little request, when you blow your whistle, can you blow it loud enough for the players to hear you?" I've generally dealt with yellow card behavior by subbing the kid off as fast as possible, explaining that the pushing isn't ok, and they can go back on when they've cooled off.
The stomach punching was one of those "opps missed your hand in the hand slap" things. I'm thinking I'm the only one that noticed (expect for the poor recipient), and I didn't address it as he was sobbing in his dad's lap by the time I got done thanking the other team myself. I guess I need to put myself more closely on this kid. There are a few personalities on this team that have me batty. I don't deal with "center of the universe" kids well, and juggling that kind of attitude with the emotionally volatile is a bit much, particularly when I can't be at half the practices. All in all, though, I'm loving this group of kids, though. One little boy comes up and gives me a hug at the end of games and practice thanking me for coaching.
I've started too many replies to count.
I spent much of saturday schleping kids and doing all the stuff my imaginary stay at home partner would do (you know, little stuff like washing the bathroom, vacuuming, grocery shopping). Dh was out doing a 100 mile bike ride with friends. He totally missed how bitter and spent I was. Which was terrible. I wound up feeling like I need to draw up que cards with emotions on them and then run through scenarios with him. If you're out all day and your wife is really short on the phone, stop at the ____ and pick up ____ that she really likes. FWIW in this instance, you could fill in gas station and snickers bar, nothing gigantic. Or walk through the door and dump your dirty gear on the back deck, NOT on the floor I just finished wet-mopping.
Also adding to the overall crabbiness: I went to a social function saturday night with the group of people dh did his 100 mile ride with. It was super duper late. Some kind of parenting thing came up where I look like the bad guy for following the "directions" in the raising your spirited child book/sleepless in america book and dh thinks I'm being over the top. We are the only couple among the four couples there with kids, although we're similar in age and professional station in life. I got "helpful" advice from a well meaning friend. But it was clear she sided with dh and I felt super judged. This kid is tough. This kid is not your ordinary kid. We've covered that before. She might end up working for the state department in a high level job. She might end up being an amazing researcher. She will not be your amazing kindergarten teacher. She will likely stay up all night jazzed on coffee for three weeks in a row and then crash and sleep for three days. Certainly her father's genes are dominant in that regard. Hopefully she marries someone more mellow and with a body clock that is more in synch with world.
Anyhow. I was pissed. At being judged especially. And because I'm really not an overprotective parent. Both dh and said friend are making motions that indicate they get that I'm pissed. And this too is passing. Today it is passing with a sick kid at home. Such is life.
On screens: My experience is limited because frankly I'm the biggest tv watcher here, but dh is a big electronic publication reader (NY times, facebook, etc.). That said, yanking TV cold turkey has worked. My oldest has my old ipod nano, just music. Youngest will happily watch tv, but will be mellow enough to move on. We just don't do screens. Kids can have 20-30 minutes to play video games on the computer, but they rarely ask. And we use this: http://e.ggtimer.com/ to help us all keep on track.
A timer keeps it non-personal. There's no halfway -- when the timer goes off we all know it's time. And then the timer says, "times up" and not me.
On laundry: my oldest kid has been the pain the rear about putting it away. My youngest ok, my dh has this elaborate system he sorts his clothes into and I can't keep up. Everyone has always complained about laundry. They complained enough about that + other jobs that I felt like I needed to do something. So ... each kid now has a list of jobs. They are free to complete the jobs anytime during the week, but they must be done by noon on saturday. (eldest needs "choice" to make it happen). We pay them a tiny allowance. They must save some portion of that. It really isn't a lot of money, as much as the choice of when to do it.
Trade offs: I don't have a nice laundry room so what I essentially do fold laundry, put in a small basket and it sits. Usually right by their closet/dresser. Also I have to keep a bunch of baskets. At all times.
Also I don't turn socks the right side out when I pair them up. Noticed by dd2: "Mama it is amazing. All of your socks come out of the laundry the right side out and they are usually all matched up in the same load." Coincidentally I happen to turn my socks right way out when I take them off AND I usually put the pair in the chute at essentially the same time.
Soccer: is it appropriate/possible to reward good behavior? And I would have called the dad after the fact and tell him what you saw.
Mental health: today I have a barfing kid. And I'm working from my home desk (in my dining room). LOVE the sunlight. I think the university system might realize a cost benefit of making everyone's office have a window, just in lost time and medical benefits.
So there's this team in the rec league where all the kids have these iron-on multi colored soccer ball patches on their shirts. I always wondered what they were for. I had an image of painting planes on the side of your fighter jet to signify each plane you shot down in dog fights.
I googled "good behavior at soccer practice rewards" and got this: http://www.thesoccerpatch.com/soccer.html
Not going to do that, but I will keep rewarding listening and whatnot by making them the captains for scrimmages. (No game captains in this league)
Kerc - I so hear you on the started responses! on the cue cards. I've thought of that too. I'm sure dh would like to have some of his own sometimes too so maybe I should really suggest it.
Geo - Here's an excerpt from this morning's email about dd's game this weekend (happily she isn't the Local Player in question);
Those are the U-12 girls. Apparently it wasn't enough that they won, they had to rub some faces in it too. I'm all wondering what's going to happen next.
Sigh. And I wonder if this would have been reported had I not been so indignant when I heard about this from dd that I emailed the head of the league. I think the other girl's parents might not have bothered to follow up had I not butted in.
Towson - We definitely see attitudes go from ugly to civilized when we restrict screen time. We restricted all non-cartoon kid shows other than Fetch With Ruff Ruffman because they seemed to glorify snarkiness and shallowness even if the overall theme of the particular episode was supposedly a moral one. And we are also screen-free Mon-Thursday nights and limited on weekends. I often feel like a hypocrite because I do spend a lot of time (when kids are around) online but that's a privilege of being an adult. I may check out the eggtimer thing Kerc posted though, I'm sure the kids would love to time me! Sorry about the Santa reveal. Even if they are right at the age that kids figure it out it's still a bittersweet milepost and I would not want some bratty kid to just callously spring that on my kids either. When C figured it out it took a lot of finessing to make her feel okay about it.
Okay, gotta cruise.
A little bit grasshopper a little bit ant
All that was against one girl?!?
Oh, yeah, I've totally reported other teams to the league, particularly when the tone of the coaching doesn't fit the league. The guy who runs things sends out a reminder to the coaches about the goals of the league. It helps some, but some coaches do seem to think they're coaching the next Olympic team.
Rest assured, I'd probably have stopped the game had I'd seen any of my players punching during the game. The hand slap thing at the end is so hard to control. But yeah, I'm going through the line with this one kid next time with my hand on his shoulder.
Running tonight. Just did a phone consult with my RPIT on school stuff. Yeah, the book needs to be written. In my ample spare time.
And also coming back to say what I keep wanting to say and keep forgetting: Plady I heard you say that the counselors locally are booked. Turns out in a metro area of 100,000 people with three institutions of higher learning that train people to be counselors, same is true. We waited 12 weeks to get in. By then the crisis had passed. BUT, in many ways that made it a better time to go in. your mileage may very but, for us it was less of a band-aid, we've gotta get you pasted this crisis and more of a "hey, let's teach some skills so you have them when you need them." So deep down you got this stuff going on. Most of the time you can manage it. But then you can't. And by then you've already mastered the skills on the easy stuff. (and maybe made some headway into the deep down stuff).
No run to speak of. Other than to the cash machine (we pay our nanny in cash -- much easier than a check because then she doesn't hold it for eons).
Kerc - You just described verbatim what Dh and I have been going through the past few months week. Do I really have to write flash cards to let you know what my mood is at any given time so that you know I am actually desperately depressed today and not mad at you? And do I really need to find/check out appropriate books for you about how to support/respond to a depressed person?! I literally came up with a 1-10 scale for my mood so that I can just give him a number when needed - sigh.
As for laundry, we have a laundry closet space (stacked washer/dryer with table next to it) where I place folded clothes. That is as far as it goes. I will wash and fold, but you need to put your stacks away. Hence, the stacks are nearly hitting the ceiling and always in danger of toppling. The way that has worked is that the kids come out of their rooms and get dressed in the laundry "room". We semi-joke that I should move all their dressers in there. This will likely change when puberty hits
Screens: we do videos, mostly on weekends, that are pre-approved by parents (ie I dont let them have free-range on Netflix watch-instantly). They dont have any of their own stuff I-pad, I-pod, I-touch (whatever that is). They play games on our phones sometimes with a limit of 20 minutes. I definitely notice that the level of snark in what they watch seeps into them, as well as the amount of time spent in front of a screen. Wasnt it Geo who mentioned that Queen Bees says that kids having their own phones is one of the precursors to bitchiness (Im paraphrasing )
RR: Run/cycling yesterday went well. Thank g-d. Weight circuit today. Im weak, and now that Im an old menopausal lady I have chicken skin that jiggles on my flailing muscles as I try to work them. I dont actually care
NRR: a "bad day" for ds at school (in the email from his teacher). He's been doing so much better at home, its a bummer to get a bad report. DD1 turns 11 Thursday...
I spent the morning going over my research questions with statistical input from Dh, who is the quantitative thinker here. Wow, that was helpful! It totally oriented me to what Q's are important, and then how I will analyze the data. Feeling a little dumb, but also relieved ... (note: ways he can carry some of my load. Thank you Dh)
lisa~Yeah, the 20 will almost definitely be that Friday morning. My only other option that week is Wednesday. I'll keep you posted.
I am SO tired, you guys. Work is seriously out of control, we're totally short-staffed and morale is dropping like crazy. It's just nonstop. I got called in for my call shift last night, and we had three med-surg floats, and we were still short. I got a call at 8 tonight asking if I could come in extra, and I felt really bad (because if I were at work, I would hope for someone to come in and help out), but there's just no way. Even if I had someone to watch DS, I work the next two nights and that would make 6 nights in a row, and I just cannot do it. We're all totally over it, and there's no end in sight right now. Work is not fun. On the bright side, my paycheck is going to be amazing...
And my foot still hurts, because it hasn't had much of a chance to rest with as much as I was on my feet the last three nights. I really need to run tomorrow, since I only have two days to run this week, but I don't know if it's going to happen. I guess we'll see what it feels like when I get up in the morning, and if it's no good, I'll hit the bike and maybe the pool instead...
Gaye, single mama to Tyler (5/06) and Baxter the labradoodle
Wait...I signed up to DO an Ironman??? I thought I was signing up to go SEE Ironman!
tjsmama--hope your foot feels better and work calms down!
Geo--no ideas, but that sounds miserable.
Plady--that soccer situation sounds even more miserable!
DH's laundry issue is that he's OCD so if there's laundry on his dresser he feels he has to put it away. And then he resents me because it's yet another way he thinks I should manage his emotions for him. You know, like read his mind, know when he will resent having to deal with something, and then keep it out of sight until I can read that his mind is ready to deal with it.
No RR but I ran around like a crazy person today, picking up the leftovers that the consignment shop didn't want, driving them and another bin straight to another shop to see what they'd want, and then going to Costco. Picked up the bins after picking up R and will ship them off to the third (and last!) consignment shop before giving the rest to charity. (That may sound extreme but it's all the outgrown clothes, from preemie sizes up to 2T, that are clean and in great shape. Everything with stains or too much wear already went to charity.) I also washed the car so DH couldn't grip about having to help me do it or the money we spent to take it to the wash (despite our Groupon discount washes there)...not that it matters because he'd argue that all the stuff they put on the snowy, icy roads on Berthoud Pass doesn't really hurt the cars and people just say that so you'll wash them and it's really my issue so he doesn't have to do it and whatever other dumb arguments he can come up with to convince me that I didn't do him any favors and only an idiot would do something like wash their new car after driving through snow. (Sorry. Still resentful about last night.)
I'm thinking I'll try to knit and listen to podcasts and chant serenity now....
Gaye - I hope things slow down at work. That sounds crazy. And it also sounds like they need to hire another nurse. At least the paycheck will be worth it.
sparkle - glad you got a good bike/run in. Sometimes that can be the difference between a good day and a bad one .
kerc - send me some of those flashcards for DH. It always seems that when I'm most in need of DH (depressed, anxious, etc.) he gets farther away. Sigh.
RR - my walk with friends yesterday turned into a run ! We walked a mile, ran two miles, and walked another mile.
NRR - DH went into work this morning, where he will get his furlough notice, have 4 hours to get things organized for the active duty guy (who started yesterday!) and then head home for who knows how long. Stupid government. The whole lot of 'em! And if I hear one more newsperson say that "Americans really won't feel the government shut-down" I'll scream! Let me tell you that my little corner of the US is feeling it pretty hard with 10,000 base employees going without pay. Argh!
Geo, pm me your address and I'll mail drop a copy in the mail. They gave us at least 3 and I'm pretty sure we've all read them. It's short, in large print, and easy to read in a sitting. Here's the website if you want to take a look at it.
Hope the dh problems settle. My dh does all his own laundry. I do the boys laundry and stack it on their dressers. I am coaching my oldest to start doing his own laundry and that will leave me with just the one child and the household sheets, towels, etc. That said, when we tend to argue over something as benign as laundry, it's usually because there's underlying stress (in him) and he quickly attributes it to me/something I've done/etc. What some girlfriends and I notice (over-generalizing here) is that when we are stressed, we tend to voice it: I'm feeling lonely so I'm going to do ... or I'm feeling sad so I'm going on a walk... I'm feeling stressed... I'm feeling frustrated... so don't take it personally but I'm just crabby. I tell everyone I'm feeling crabby today. I'm trying to give him the language to start identifying and verbalizing his stress before he attributes it. Does that make sense? So maybe he could say (re:last 2 arguments) I'm frustrated about this deal I'm working on so if I get cranky, it's not you. (I would LOVE to hear that!) or I'm worried about mom's finances so if I get weird about our money right now, it might be b/c of mom's situation. My goal here is just to voice the feeling, take the attribution and reaction to that feeling away, and give each other some space as he sorts through the situation and then we talk about it after it's passed and not during. Does that make sense? If you have any other ideas, let me know. I started this method Sunday.
Okay, my friends, I'm sorry to not have more personals. I've had twitchy eye for several days now and yes, I plan to swim tomorrow. In the 4 days since I was just here, mil has gone downhill fast. It's like she's sliding down a black diamond slope and the farther she gets down the mountain, the more speed she picks up. I came to give the sisters a break and I think they're beginning to realize leaving may not be an option. I know some of you have been here before, right? It's hard.
Also, thinking of our Dingo sister and hope all is well with her.
Boy have I got some catching up to do
So, to make up for my total dongo-ness, here's a shiny new thread for my Dingo friends
mom to 3 lovely kids
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