Hi Veronica & Everyone-Happy Saturday
Well I'll try to answer your question as it applies to me and my journey, but I think everyone may have a different response depending on their situation. I believe in what I am doing. I am healing my realtionship with my body, food, emotions and myself. This is a layered process for me. I use therapy, this thread, honesty with others and am in the process of releasing food and body image as a coping/defense tool. This oversimplifies it, but that kind of it.
For me, the food componant involves trust
. Trust in myself to make good choices for myself in the longrun. The trust was gone years ago, and because there was no trust there became deprivation. This was because I was bad, untrustworthy
. I couldn't be left to myself, had to keep a close eye
, whether that meant restricting food, overexercising, purging whatever...Then I could only keep that up for so long , and I would cave in
and binge. My relationship with food has been beyond nourishment since I was 1 year old-I'm not going into that now, but it's on one my first posts. So, I'm using the model for healing that I first read about by Geneen Roth. There are certainly more professionals that use and recommend this technique, but she was the first one I read.
So, I think the initial idea is to end and heal from the deprivation. It is believed (and I agree for myself) that it is deprivation that leads us to eventially wanting wanting wanting. I am legalizing ALL
foods. No good. No bad. Recently I thought I had done this, but I found there was another level to it. This included sugary, fattening, absolutely no nutritional valued foods. I still didn't trust
myself with them. They are now in my house
Well, eventually you're supposed to feel there is enough
when you believe you can eat whatever you want whenever you want. Then you work on paying close attention to your body. Eating what ever you want when you're physically hungry. When you want to eat when you're not hungry, try to access the emotion you're trying to avoid. I love this part-about listening to my body. This has been interesting...am I really hungy, am I full, am I anxious, am I lonely, am I feeling deprived
...I have have found that with listening to my body I am starting to sort how different foods are making me feel. During and after. I'm staying as present as possible with this.
So, we're supposed to trust (and I do) that eventually, once we learn to not emotionally eat, our bodies and appetites will regulate. I always feared this path, I've considered doing this for over 10 years. I imagined getting so big
if I ate whatever my bad
self wanted. I wasn't ready and that's ok because I wasn't. Now I am
Of course the whole reason people like me ever started this behavior in the first place, usually to avoid feeling difficult things, has it's roots in our history. So, for me now that I'm experiencing life without numbing my feelings with food, that means I'm having to deal with not being numb. Tough stuff is coming up, and it ain't easy (enter therapy). But, I'm doing this. It is time.
For the first time in my life, I actually feel it's possible to heal my relationship with food and my body. I can't tell you how thrilling this is! I've wanted this for so long, but on some level did not think I deserved it-or was worthy or strong enough. I honestly though it was beyond me. So, that either meant a life being fat OR deprived. The end. I can't tell you how light my heart is with hope!
Thank you anyone who actually read all this. Obviously this is far beyond the question asked (sorry Veronica
) . It was so healing to write it all out and proclaim my intention to be well. Thank you, thank you! I want you all to know that I respect whatever journey you are on. The goal is to heal and be well-however we get there.
With gratitude, christina