Emotional eaters wanting to stop the diet mentality and be at peace with food? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 1694 Old 01-08-2007, 01:25 AM
 
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I just wrote out a long post, the baby woke up, I told my DP to wait and not touch the computer till I got back. He touched it. Lost my post

Anyways I don't have time to write it out again, but I'm thinking of you all. I've done some good thinking the last couple of days, and I'm becoming more aware of when I'm eating because of stress. It's almost funny that I didn't really notice it before when now it seems so obvious.

I need to go let poor hubby know I'm not mad at him. He is wonderful :

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#62 of 1694 Old 01-08-2007, 10:19 AM
 
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femme_rouge... ugh it is so frustrating to lose a post!! that happens tome a lot on livejournal and it really irks me! it's enough to make somebody eat a box of brownies.

i am glad you are becoming more aware of why you are eating. i am starting to "get it" as well, and it is a wonderful feeling! i feel like i'm finally starting to regain a little bit of control over my life!

just curious, but how many of you have been at the other end of the spectrum before? anorexic or bulemic? I know somebody mentioned it before, but I'm curious if it is common to go to both extremes. I was anorexic at around 11 and lost a dangerous amount of weight. I think it had to do with fear over the onset of puberty, coupled with my mother's attitude about her weight. Mind you, my mother was NOT one of those mothers who was critical of MY weight, but she was always on a diet, talking about how she was fat, she had a big butt, etc. I imagine this must have had an effect on me as a child... I "got over" the anorexia quickly when my hair started falling out, but I never really got over the unhealthy relationship w/ food and my warped body image.

Well, today is a busy day. Need to finish taming the chaos that has resulted from Christmas and weeks of being sick! The number of toys these kids have is TOTALLY overwhelming, and my mom keeps giving them more because she thinks they don't have enough! Agh!!!
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#63 of 1694 Old 01-08-2007, 12:11 PM
 
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I am trying so hard NOT to talk about weight issues with/infront of my girls...I do talk about health issues...adn with the little ones I always talk about growing food and fun food and that we have to eat only a little of the fun food because we need growing food most of all and lots of it. It seems to be working.

This is a rough day for me..my dh is right now taking my cat that I have had for 17 years to be euthanized: It's going to be a bad day. I am trying to feel the emotions and not stuff them with food..kwim...oh..he's back, guess it's over

:
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#64 of 1694 Old 01-08-2007, 01:01 PM
 
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Hi AllGirls... So sorry to hear about your cat. I've been through this and it's one of the hardest things. 17 years... that's a lifetime!

Take care, and give yourself time and space to grieve.
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#65 of 1694 Old 01-08-2007, 01:28 PM
 
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allgirls, I am so sorry to hear about your cat Our animal friends can be such wonderful companions in our lives. It's so hard to loose them. Blessings

eldadeetlit, thanks for the support on the lost post. Can you believe I pouted by emotionally eating over it! That's kind of embarrassing to admit. Well, I was the one to "come out" about my bulimia. I've struggle with anorexic/bulimic and compulsive exercising behaviors off and on for years. I have worked on healing at different levels and had long periods of wellness, but obviously I've never truly gotten to the root of things.

GouGou, I find your comment interesting about the symptoms becoming their own pathologies. I think this is true for me. While I still have to work on "the root", I often feel the eating stuff has become its own...I want to say monster This is confusing because sometimes the eating stuff is clearly connected to my past, and other times it feels behavioral/ habitual...I don't know if this is making any sense...Anyways, this has been a long road of ups and downs and I'm so tired. I want to figure it out, move through it (not under it, not around it, not over it ) I'm willing to work hard. Argh!

CurlyTop, this is why sometimes I wonder if a place like the Hoffman Institute would be helpful. KWIM? Stop everything and just jump in and truly deal with this stuff?

I feel the need to clarify because I am reading my own post and I sound screwed up (that is partly true ) I should say that overall in my life I'm functioning fine. I have a wonderful partner, 2 amazing kiddos. I have functioning friendships. But, I don't just want to be fine. I have worked hard to get to the place I am. I am now at a place in my life where I'm extremely motivated to deal with this stuff. I'm in therapy (I love my therapists, she's great. We work on my current life and healing my past, but she's clear that she's not trained on eating disorders-just general knowledge). Also, some other women and myself have started a straight-talking mom's group where we get into the honest and sometimes scary/difficult aspects of parenting, AND, I'm here.

Well, I'm rambling, but my point is I want to work. This is the time to heal my life. Clearly I'm journaling at this point. If I read this, I wouldn't know how to repond, so if anyone reading feels like that...no worries. I have no expectation of a response. I'm just getting it out. Thanks fo having a place for me to get it out You are all great!

veggiemommy I wanted to congratulate you on your courage to speak honestly with your friend! That's a big deal. The world would be a better place if more people did what you're doing.

I hope everyone has an aware day.

Christina

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#66 of 1694 Old 01-08-2007, 10:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by allgirls View Post

This is a rough day for me..my dh is right now taking my cat that I have had for 17 years to be euthanized: It's going to be a bad day. I am trying to feel the emotions and not stuff them with food..kwim...oh..he's back, guess it's over

:
Wow, allgirls... That is rough. 17 years though! That cat had a long life! So at least you can feel good about that. But it is so hard though to lose a pet. Part of the reason we are putting off getting one...
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#67 of 1694 Old 01-08-2007, 10:58 PM
 
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Well, still doing *better*, although today I ate a gross energy bar belonging to my husband because I wanted something chocolate after listening to the kids fight for hours. I feel like in general I'm doing better, though. Thinking things through more and trying to be more mindful of why I am doing what I am doing.

Yesterday I went for a run for the first time since...yikes, since I was a middle-distance runner in track in highschool. It was hard to do it. I have asthma, so running, especially outdoors in the cold, can be a struggle, even with an inhaler. Plus since I haven't run in so long, it was hard for me. I had avoided it for so long because I was afraid of having to do it half-a#$ed...half run/half walk... perfectionism again! But I decided to suck it up and just do as well as I could. I did walk about half of it, but I managed to go about 3 miles, which I know isn't really that much (looking at the running moms thread! yikes!) but it is more than I did before and I felt GREAT afterward! That is something I am still working on... being ok with imperfection. I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go!

Well, I'll check in again tomorrow. Thank you all for this thread. It has been very helpful to me so far and I appreciate the company in this journey.
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#68 of 1694 Old 01-09-2007, 12:39 AM
 
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Hi. I, too, have been at the other end of the spectrum. My last year in college (the most tumultuous years of my life) I got down around 113 lbs, which is very thin for me. I did it by restricting and exercising like 4 hours a day. And, as for you, it started this whole struggle. If only I knew then what I know now.
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#69 of 1694 Old 01-09-2007, 12:11 PM
 
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Hi all,

Eldadeedlit, that's great you allowed yourself to go on a "not perfect" run. I could really relate to that. What I started doing a couple of months ago that helped me is to look at exercise as whether or not I did it. It could be for 1/2 hour, 45 min, 1 hour, or 5 minutes due to kids. The focus was on, did I stop my life, take time for myself, put my clothes/shoes on and do it. That was my success. Following through with the motivation to exercise--not how much, how hard... This helped the perfectionist in me shift my focus. I need to commit to getting back to this. I started tracking my progress on the 1000 minute challenge and became a litlle compulsive

I am seeing I emotionally eat for different reasons, and I think I'm assuming their obvious, but I need to try to list them. To become aware, really aware. Part of the problem with being on this journey for awhile, is assumming I already know things...So, my list...

Depletion (already dicussed on PP, this hit home)
Stress (I'm AM using food to calm me...darn it, it works : )
Reward (I work so hard...the kids are sleeping and I finally have a minute)
Sadness (numbing, numbing, numbing )
ANGER (Stuffing it down, afraid of my powerful feelings)
Boredom (breaking up my stressful "Ground Hog Day" life)
Guilt (I can never be good enough...to me, to my kids, to my DP)
Just checking out...

Well, I'm going to think about these today, and as always, try to be aware.

To everyone who has shared their difficult histories Thank you for being brave. I'm so sorry this stuff ever happened.

veggiemommy, missed you yesterday, hope all is well.

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#70 of 1694 Old 01-09-2007, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello ladies,

I hope that you are all doing well--it seems that reading and posting here is helping some of you be more aware and mindful around food which is great whilst I must admit to being jealous as it doesn't seem to be having the same effect on me (well not yet anyway) as I'm still eating mindlessly at night once the kiddos go to bed.... However I don't do that all day long--I've been making myself a smoothie with lots of good stuff (including cabbage and spinach) in the am as I don't generally have time to think about myself the and that way I can make sure I have it when I feel hunger and then I've been cooking better meals lately for lunch and/or dinner rather than resorting to too many packaged foods so that is good... However I'm still finding that I'm eating mindlessly on the couch at night and I don't realize I'm doing it until part way through and the do the all or nothing thing--keep doing it as it's too late and swear I won't tomorrow... I know that goes against what I'm trying to do so I'm *trying* not to beat myself up but that is hard for me to not do--oh such a struggle.

Anyway, we had 2 realtors come by in the last few days and just thinking about putting our house up for sale makes me really stressed--I know that it makes me really sad too as I LOVE our house so much and I almost don't want to leave it--we have had all our children here and have put our hearts into this house--making it just perfect (or as close as we could) and it's so bright and sunny as we have huge skylights in all the main rooms... I worry that our new house won't be as bright (which is the thing I like best about our house) as it is 2 levels (our current house is a rancher) so we can't have skylights for the main floor to brighten it up like we have here... But there are so many fabulous things about the new house that I know I will love but I can't help but worry...

I also worry about getting it sold in time and for enough money as we're up to our eyeballs in debt right now and it's really scary - especially as I'm the one that worries about money and all of this is out of my control.... I just can't wait until it is all done and we're in the new house and this one is sold and everything is paid and we just have a bigger mortgage (of course that part I hope is not too bad--it depends on how much we sell this one for!) UGH moving is the whole other horrible part--I HATE IT!!!!!!!!

I also wish that I had done better decluttering--I am SUCH a packrat and I've been trying SO hard to get better but it's SOOO hard!! We packed a 10x10 upak box full of our 'stuff' back in June as we were getting ready to sell our house and we've been without it all this time as the house just kept getting delayed... so now I wish that I had gotten rid of more of that 'stuff' because while we definitely have missed some of it, I probably have no idea what half of it is so obviously I don't need it! I just hope I have the strength to get rid of half of it at least when we go to empty it when we move in otherwise our new house will be just as cluttered as this one used to be--man it's so much nicer to live without all that extra stuff and we'll actually have a 5&1/2 foot crawl space and a garage so we'll actually have some decent storage so that's good but I want to make sure I only store the things we really need to and make sure it's organized etc....

Oh man just thinking about all of that stressed me out so much---BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

Okay so I guess that stuff is bothering me more than I'm generally willing to admit--just writing that out helps to see that it is a LOT going on in my head and trying to contain all of that stress is hard.... Any suggestions on how to release some of that? I know that when it is all over that life has GOT to be less stressful but I'm starting to worry that I won't be able to make it there and still be sane as I still have to take care of my 3 kiddos and run my business on top of all that... And of course my default reaction is 'oh i can handle it' but if I'm being real with myself, and listening to my feelings and emotions, I'm TERRIFIED as I'm SO stressed already... and admitting that I might feel overwhelmed is something that I wouldn't normally do as I was taught to not show any weakness... so I guess basically it's kind of scary to admit that I feel so overwhelemed as then I worry that I'll fall apart--it's much easier to just pretend everything is okay and just keep trucking along--but then I get migraines, grind my teeth, eat mindlessley and on it goes....

Deep breath....

So yah, I don't really know what to do with all that--but perhaps just feeling my overwhelm is enough right now as it's more than I would normally do for myself? Any ideas for me as I really don't know how to deal with it....

Oh dear allgirls--I'm so sorry to hear about your cat... I hope that you can find other ways to soothe yourself for the next bit but if you find times when you need food, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the food and don't beat yourself up over it....

I too try SO hard not to talk about weight/body image/food obsessions/diets etc. around my kiddos at all--I don't want them to see that at all and hope that I can avoid that and be better soon so I can show them a healthy relationship with food.... I really don't want them to feel the way I do about it and it's interesting as I have to watch how other people act about food more than myself now as they do things that I don't like such as my grandmother trying to give my kids chocolate when they hurt themselves or people making comments about my daughter constantly eating or being hungry... also rewarding with food.... It's interesting how prevelant that kind of behavious it is albeit frustrating as it's so hard to protect them from it... I'm trying to keep them from thinking of some foods as good foods and some as bad foods but rather eating what your body is asking you for and stopping when you have had enough rather than when full or stuffed... oh and eating when you are hungry rather than for other reasons such as boredom and for something to do while watching tv... I really struggle with how to teach good food habits for my kiddos and I hope I'm doing the right things...

I'll be back...

Holly
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#71 of 1694 Old 01-09-2007, 05:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello again,

I can't remember my thought pattern a few minutes ago--I know I had more to say but can't remember now and I was interrupted with phone calls etc. so wanted to post so I didn't lose my post!

Anyway, I am FREEZING right now and finding myself scoping out the kitchen for hot things to eat but I'm definitely not hungry as I have just recently finished my morning smoothie and so if anything, I'm still full!

UGH! I'd love to go and take a nice relaxing bath right now but I can't as I have my 2 youngest kiddos here and no dh to watch them while I go.... I've been trying to convince them to go with me but no luck yet...

I went for a run this am and had lots of good ideas at the time and one just returned to me--that I really want to work on taking the time to just check in with myself several times a day and see what it is that I need... that is something I NEVER do and it seems so easy but I have struggled for ages to remember to do it even once a day... wish I knew why....

I'm going to put elastics on one wrist to remind me to drink water and elastics on my other wrist to remind myself to check in with myself--hopefully that will help!!

eldadeedlit--good for you for going for a run and allowing yourself to do what you can without being all or nothing--that is so awesome! I hope that you felt better afterwards and can remember that feeling so that you want to go again! I felt great after going today--I pretty much always do--but I seem to have amnesia when it comes to that feeling (as well as how fabulous it feels to eat mindfully) and instead choose to not move my body and to fill mindlessly (sp?) fill it with food instead.

femme_rouge--I love how you looked at it--that just taking the time for yourself to get ready for a run or walk -- just in noticing that you are caring for yourself and taking care of one of your own needs for a change--I too will look at it that way as well from now on... It's funny how caring for yourself seems to bring up such bad feelings--like being selfish and that it somehow takes away from caring for my children and friends/family when I know that logic is false and just something that I learned growing up and that caring for myself MAKES me a better mom/friend/person.

Your list of reasons for eating emotionally really rings true for me as well--I should try to write my own list too--I think I'll do that when I get off the computer so thanks for posting yours--it should hopefully help you be more aware which is the KEY!! Why is it SO hard to be AWARE?!?! I have to say I wish that there was a magic pill I could take to be more aware!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also wanted to say thank you for noticing that I didn't post yesterday femme_rouge -- it felt nice to know that you noticed... I don't think I realized that I hadn't posted yesterday until you said that... way to take care of myself huh? Mondays are usually crazy for JamTots because we *try* to take at least Sunday off from doing JamTots work and make it more of a family day --and I've been actually doing that lately (which is VERY new--I struggle to not check email or answer questions/orders or update the site ALL the time--BALANCE!!) so yah--I just didn't check in with myself or with you guys at all yesterday and didn't even realize until today--perhaps that was why I was mindlessly eating last night... I MUST remember to take time for myself and it is OK--it does not make me a bad mom/person/store owner/anything else!!

Okay off to write my list and maybe get a bath or at least put some slippers on!!

Holly
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#72 of 1694 Old 01-09-2007, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just reading over the posts again and wanted to say thank you to femme_rouge for congratulating me on talking to my friend... I felt ill before doing it, but felt SO much better after and I'm so excited to be able to be around her without feeling so much anger and blocking out every other sentence that she says!

I am going to be a run leader for a learn to run clinic that prepares new runners for a race that is in April (I have done this for many years) again this year and I have asked my friend to join me so that should make it more fun too. I am NOT a natural born leader so I do this to kind of stretch that part of myself as I really have to try hard to act like a leader and I think that I should have more confidence this year as I have more self-confidence than I did last year and hopefully I won't be using excuses like "I have 3 kiddos and I used to run much faster" etc. to excuse myself from where I am now (which is something I have definitely done in the past--to show that my current looks/fitness level etc. is bad because of *a list of things* and basically saying that I would not be acceptable just the way I am--so I will be focusing on NOT doing that even though my friend has recently lost a ton of weight and it does trigger some of that for me...

Just noticing that my almost 2 year old is occupying himself STILL with a box of raisins--emptying them on to the floor and then picking them up and putting them back one by one.... oh to be so easily amused!!!

I tried to do the list like you did femme_rouge and found that I had all of the same reasons as you and didn't really think of any of my own--however they all do apply and I can still be aware of them even if I needed your list to be able to acknowledge them so thank you for that!

Holly
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#73 of 1694 Old 01-09-2007, 08:04 PM
 
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I'm thinking a lot about boredome. What does it mean? It's a major trigger for a lot of things for me, but it's something that's undefined. It seems like a garbage can category. Is it the result of numbed emotions?
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#74 of 1694 Old 01-09-2007, 10:26 PM
 
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I'm thinking a lot about boredome. What does it mean? It's a major trigger for a lot of things for me, but it's something that's undefined. It seems like a garbage can category. Is it the result of numbed emotions?
Hmmm...

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#75 of 1694 Old 01-10-2007, 10:30 AM
 
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rough few days..pms, out cat being put down, yesterday the anniversary of my dad's death...too many chocolate cookies and I haven't had this as an outlet..dh is home and working on the computer)

No time either but just wanted to comment.

Boredom..my number one trigger...I think that there are so many emotions linked to boredom..I get really pissed off when I am bored

anyway...back later
cheers
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#76 of 1694 Old 01-10-2007, 01:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well - I DID it!! I finally made it through a day with being at least semi-mindful around food!! I thought about what I wanted, made what I wanted and ate it--and stopped when I was between 'having enough' and 'stuffed'.... I went to a run leader meeting last night and had dinner after that which was later than normal (almost 8pm) but I made myself some fruit sherbert and had that after dinner as I was craving something sweet...

Then I was reading in front of the tv and my mind kept going to eating some kind of snack food (like that smart food popcorn-yum!) however I was NOT hungry--I paid attention to my body and realized that I was still full.... It probably would have been a good time to journal but instead I was reading a new book I got from the library called "Feel Good Naked"--it has some really interesting points in it and I think I was reading it istead of stuffing my face so that was good!

Anyway--I hope that you ladies have been doing well-not much posted since I was here yesterday am--I kept checking to see what you guys would say and you weren't as talkative as usual!!

I agree that boredom is a HUGE one--however possibly their are other emotions underneath what we end up calling boredom-but we're so darn good at pushing down our emotions with food that we don't even know what we are feeling (I know that is true for me anyway)....

Another one on my list is overwhelm--definitely a trigger for me....

However it seems that when I have a HUGE stress--I somehow DON'T turn to food--it's the every day, ongoing, never-ending smaller things that have me turning to food--the big things that suddenly happen and I am actually feeling don't seem to be as much of a problem as I think that perhaps I am not pushing them down but actually going 'through them' so I don't need the food....

Have a great mindful day ladies!
Holly
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#77 of 1694 Old 01-10-2007, 01:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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allgirls I'm sorry about your dad's death anniversary--how hard for you....

You also mentioned not getting computer time--may I suggest that you talk to dh and figure out a way for you to get even 1/2 hour on the computer at SOME point during the day/evening since you find it helps you so much? Perhaps if he understands how important it is, then it will be easier to figure out a way to squeeze that in as he can't possibly be on the computer 24/7 right?! Take that as some time for yourself that you really deserve and NEED and just make it happen for yourself okay??

During the day when you can't get on the computer, perhaps try journalling instead as writing down what you are going through can really help....

Good luck and take care of yourself!

Holly
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#78 of 1694 Old 01-10-2007, 01:22 PM
 
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allgirls and veggiemommy, I'm so sorry times are difficult and stressful right now. I'm glad you're here. I like the idea of focusing on breathing. Sometimes, for me it is something so simple that can be the most effective. I hope you're both being very kind to yourselves right now. LOTS of nurturing.

Veggiemommy, I think you're doing a great job at processing so much stuff right now. It's hard. I don't know if this will be helpful for you, but one of my mantras during tough times is, "Change only comes through conflict". Sometimes this helps remind me that when I'm going through a difficult time it is because there is a LOT of growth happening. Good luck with all this.

I've been thinking about this:

Quote:
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anyway...I wanted to mention something inthe article in O magazine I read.

It talks about making change and why it's so hard..it's because we respond to the cortisol our brain releases immediately after we do something pleasant for us(ie eat crappy food) so when we talk about rewarding ourselves with something else it needs to be immediate.
I decided my immediate reward will be my online time. I hope this will be good for me for a couple of reasons: 1.) I enjoy my online time, and hopefully it can be something I can access quickly. 2.) Of course as a mom with 2 young children, I have issues with taking time/and care of myself. So, it is a reward that says "things you like and are interested in are important. You have the right to take some time for yourself".

So, I hope between the two, taking time and care of myself to exercise and doing something just for pleasure that this can be a positive change for me. Thanks for passing along that info allgirls.

Where's the magic aware pill? ...where..where?

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#79 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 02:20 AM
 
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dh is away...my computer is back...I am pmsing and eating too much..and I was doing so well...I had 3 or 4 really great days..everythign I Put into my body was nourishing and whole.

anyway...tomorrow is another day...

My reward is my online time too...and teh successful days I had were when I could go online when I was feeling hungry..just 5 or 10 minutes to destress was doing it...the good news...my dh is getting the kids computer ready when he gets back from his trip so the second computer will be there for me to use during the day at least when the kids are in school and I can usually get on this one at night.

So tomorrow I hope to walk to the grocery store and buy some produce..I am out of a lot of fresh food, then cook for dinner..the vegetarian shephards pie I had last week..it was yummy!

plus I am out of fruit for my fruit salad..I Had blueberry pancakes for breakfast to day. I also had chocolate chip cookies.: when I was mainly bored.

Oh...I cleared up the basement today and I have an eliptical trainer and a york gym all ready to go AND I have floor space for my yoga mat. We are locating the new computer where I can watch a dvd on it so I can do yoga or watch a movie while exercising...and I have a seperate area set up with the kids toys in there, barricaded so the baby is safe where they can play while I work out. I am trying to set myself up for success.

I am going to start the Body for Life workouts again I think...not the nutrition part, just the workouts..I am taking a more whole foods approach to nutrition...everything whole and as close to it's original form as possible with 3/4 of my diet being raw...and 3 meals and 2 snacks daily only...this usually works for me and keeps me nourished, not hungry and healthy. I am NOT weighing. My goal is not to lose weight but to get healthy and well. I will look better just by feeling better..it's a given.

I will never go on a diet again even if I am this weight forever!

My ultimate goal is simply to have a normal relationship with food. To not need it for emotional support but for nourishment.
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#80 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 02:25 AM
 
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Ahhh! I'm in such a funk. I was doing well earlier today, but now DS is sick, I missed an appointment with a potential part time employer that may enable me to WAH eventually (although I called her, she was very understanding, and is planning on calling me to discuss a gameplan, so I guess that's not too terrible), I don't know how it's going to work tomorrow, if DS is still sick (I have a dr's appointment re: my knee - we'd already worked out that MIL would watch the kids while I went to the dr., but there's no way she's going to want to watch them if DS is sick) and I have been grazing all afternoon & evening. I'm not satisfied with anything, and I KNOW I don't need food. I'm so tired right now - not really sure why - maybe I'm catching DS's illness? Anyway, I just feel like I can't stop eating. I need to clean up, get my breakfast & lunch ready for work tomorrow, and I'm so tired all I want to do is go to bed. If I were in bed, I couldn't eat anymore.

Ok. I just guess I needed to vent a little. I know you all understand, right? Hey, it just occurred to me that maybe a small part of my out of control-ness might have to do with the fact that I know I'll have to get weighed at the dr.'s office...? That's an interesting thought.

How do we GET OVER what the scale says? How do we find our self worth aside from what the scale says and how our clothes are fitting? DH asked me that they other day, and I had no answer. Why do I care what a stranger might think about the size of my butt???? Why do I let my worry over what that stranger MIGHT think affect my whole day?? why why why?

I got the Geneen Roth book in the mail two days ago - Why Weight - it's a workbook style. And have I started it yet? NOoooo. Why have I not started it yet? What am I afraid of? Why can't I just get on with this journey and BE NORMAL??? why why why?

Ugh. I gotta go before I get even more morose. Sorry that this is such a downer. I really am. I know it's no fun to read other people's rants. ugh. I'm gonna go cry now.

I hope you're all doing ok today - and I really do find what you've been writing and thinking about helpful - I'm just in a bad place today, I guess.

:
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#81 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 03:22 AM
 
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A good day with a tough ending. I went to my daughter's preschool to help with lunch. My little sweetie was so happy and proud to have me there. She was beaming the whole time, telling her friends, "That's my mom... She's kooky! It's fun to have a kooky mom!" Anyhow, I spent the afternoon doing errands, and then came home, fixed a nice supper of curried chicken, quinoa salad, and the most delicate, sweet, green beans steamed to just the right "snap". DH came home in a pretty good mood. We ate, had a glass of wine, had coffee, cleaned up... And then I started to feel tired and "depleted". My kids (3.5 and 1.5) had taken long late naps and bedtime was nowhere in sight. I just wanted "something for myself", KWIM? If only I had the possibility of going for a walk, doing yoga, visiting with a friend... At one point, both kids were literally hanging from my shoulders yelling, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!!!" And while all of this was happening, I became intensely aware of the half full bag of organic raw almonds beckoning. "Just a handful", I told myself, "Even the famous Dr. Oz says a handful a day is good for you," I continued to reason as I made my way to the cupboard where my stash is kept. "At least it's not cheese puffs or chocolate covered pretzels..." My binges never involve anything "bad".

And... it didn't stop at just a handful. The half full bag is now nearly empty. I've left behind about 10 nuts so that I can tell myself, "At least I didn't finish the whole thing..."

And now I feel really bloated and yucky. And I feel angry with myself.

I really need support and help right now. Ladies, please help me forgive myself and move forward. This hasn't happened in some time and it feels really scary.

Thanks. Peace.
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#82 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 10:52 AM
 
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will be back later to read the other posts...

yesterday was good until dinner time. i was with my sister and her son and the kids wanted to go to mcdonalds : so we went.. i intended to just eat a little bit but went way overboard. partially because of "peer pressure", and my sister trying to not eat badly and giving me her food. gah. so, hopefully today will be better.
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#83 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 12:18 PM
 
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re: scale at the dr.'s office. You can decline being weighed, or you can just stand with your back to the numbers and ask them not to tell you your weight.
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#84 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 01:01 PM
 
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I'm thinking about what "being fat" and "being thin" mean to me. Also, I'm thinking about what "feeling fat" and "feeling thin" mean to me.

As I free-associate, here's what comes up:

When I was in my 20's I used to turn heads. In my 30's I was considered "a beautiful woman". Now in my early 40's I'm a mom, and with all the beautiful things that that has brought into my life, it has come with some losses: a flabby, stretch-mark convered belly replaces my firm, flat one. My body will never be the same again, just as my life will never be the same again. Most important, however, I am no longer the center of my universe.

I spent my 20's and 30's thin and unhappy because I didn't have the things I have now, the things that our society teaches us supposedly come with being thin and beautiful: an adoring husband, two healthy happy kids, work that I love, financial stability... It's like there's always something missing. If I were also thin (on top of all these blessings) would my life be "perfect"? I highly doubt it, but only on a cerebral level. A few months ago I was very close to my "ideal" weight, and I wasn't necessarily in a state of "nirvana". It was nice to zip up size 6 jeans and feel comfortable. It was nice when people complimented and congratulated me on having lost all the "baby weight". But did those nagging existential feelings go away? No. As long as we're human feelings of "something's missing" are and will always present, regardless of how aware or comfortable we are with them.

But being fat brings with it a complex of other thoughts and feelings: My father's side of the family tends to be chunky. I have major issues with my father and don't want to be like his side of the family. My mother's side of the family tends to be petite... but they're all anxious, passive people. I don't want to be like them, either. So where to find myself in all this? This has been a dilemma since I was in my teens. Being like my dad was "ugly", being like my mom was "passive and weak".

Ethnically, I'm supposed to have dark hair and dark eyes. Actually, I have fair hair and eyes and don't look like the immigrant that I am. Being an immigrant, however, you never really come to fit in. For me, being a little chunky is a tell-tale sign of the fact that I come from peasant stock and don't actually fit in to mainstream America. Even when I'm thin, my ankles are chunky, and my butt and hips stick out. But do I even want to fit in? When I am thin, I begin to resent having to do so much to fit in. When we first came to America I was 6 years old. We lived in an area that was not very ethnically diverse, and I was very much the outsider. I took a lot of abuse from the kids on the block and for the first time became aware of being different. My first day in the US, one of the boys on the block punched me for being "stuck up". As an adult, I understand that I failed to engage in the rules of American "friendliness". You're supposed to smile at everybody. Being a kid in America is a really tough thing... you don't know this until you go to other places where people grow up in "neighborhoods" and in a matrix of an extended family that has a protective effect against dysfunctional parents. These are also places that have "traditional cuisines", a way of sitting and eating, sharing meals, getting foods locally and in season, having relationships with the people who sell you meat and bake your bread; having relationships with people rather than food. Food means community.

On a side note: I've wondered a lot why, for example, I prefer to shop at Whole Foods rather than my local supermarket. I think part of the reason is because the "team members" are people who make it a point to get to know you and recognize you. There's an old world feel that may, at some level, be contrived and cultivated. But whoever thought about the Whole Foods concept must have been pretty savvy. In reality, I'm not someone who would prefer to pay more for organic, and even at Whole Foods I stick with conventional as much as I can. But I want to be at a place where the cashier and stockperson recognize me, may come to know my name.

Well, I realize that this post is growing out of proportion and taking some unexpected turns, so I'll leave it at this and feel very grateful and honored if someone actually manages to read all of it. I'll be totally blown away if someone comments.

I'm feeling better today. I think I've recovered from yesterday's binge and figuring things out a little better for myself.

Thanks a bunch.
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#85 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good morning ladies! I had another successful day yesterday--where I was able to be aware of my hunger and eat according to it (well not perfectly but WAY better than normal--I definitely feel great about it and know that I don't have to be perfect!)

I got two books from the library--one was for Therapists that are dealing with compulsive overeaters called Beyond the Shadow of a Diet. I have learned a TON from it--some that I had already learned (and forgotten but needed to be reminded of) and a few new things...

One thing that really stuck out for me was something to the effect (I don't have the exact wording here) that what I am wanting to aim for is not what I was doing which was eating anything I want, whenever I want it... (That is what I was doing--and wondering why I wasn't feeling great about it--perhaps that was a good first step--in fact I KNOW It was for me but I was ready to move past that and was getting frustrated to be 'stuck' there)

So it said something to the effect that once I can do that (and be rid of the diet mentality--and TRULY believe I will NEVER diet again) then I can work towards eating what my body wants, when I am hungry... hungry being the key word as I was eating what I wanted whenever I wanted--which was often when I was NOT hungry...

So I've been working on that--tuning into my body before eating and seeing if I'm actually hungry and if so, then trying to figure out what I want to eat and eating that if at all possible. I have found a few times when I really wanted to eat (usually in the evening after the kids go to bed) and I have been trying to figure out what emotion might surface if I chose NOT to eat (because I wasn't hungry)....

One of the books worded it well for me to see it in a different way--something like what I said above.... Can I wait to eat ... even if just for a minute or two... and see what emotion might come up because I'm not stuffing it down by eating... That seemed like an interesting way to look at it for me...

My youngest son just woke up so I'll post this for now and hopefully come back in a few minutes as I have more to say!!

Holly
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#86 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay I'm back...

I grabbed my 'notes' that I took while reading some of that book so here is the jist of what I was trying to say earlier:

This is something to say to yourself when you notice that you are reaching for food and your stomach is not hungry rather than beating yourself up because of it.

"I'm reaching for food and I'm not hungry. I wonder what I might think about or feel right now if I didn't eat?"

I'm hoping that will be helpful to others as well as myself as it seemed like a really good thing to do!

It also suggested that journalling or talking to a good friend/relative/counsellor is the best thing to do when you want to eat emotionally as that deals with the feelings directly.... Things like taking a bubble bath or going for a walk can help you delay dealing with the feelings but obviously doesn't deal with them so you will have to deal with them later.... Like was said earlier--you have to work THROUGH the feelings, not try to go around, over or under them!

This was a huge 'aha' moment for me as I know that deep down, I keep trying to avoid my feelings but know that I feel best once I've made my way THROUGH some of them--and the more I get through, the better I feel and then I can work through more and eventually be mostly done and THAT is when I have NO issues with food whatsoever!!!

Another thing it talked about is other mom's eating in the evening being a common theme--and that they somehow feel that eating is the only legitimate reason to stop or to take a break or to get a moment of peace. SO I am going to work on taking little breaks throughout the day for myself--away from JamTots, ideally away from the kids (a little tv time won't hurt!) and just breate for 5 minutes or do some journalling or whatever... Several times during the day as we need breaks too!!

The Feel Good Naked Book also talked about taking 30 minutes a day for yourself EVERY day--that I'm still working on but I think that's really important too... One of the books also talked about taking at least 3 'breaks' a week to do something else--for at least 3 hours at a time and see how much better we feel... Now I know that is just not realistic for many women (likely myself included) HOWEVER I mention it as it is perhaps showing that we need to be able to refresh ourselves so we can be the best moms/people we can be and it's SO hard to do that when we are constanly on duty... and seeing that it is recommended to have 10- hours a week to yourself and in quite large chunks... well then perhaps we can feel like we deserve some breaks--even if we can't fit in all of that time--at least I know that I feel more justified in taking some time to myself... I hope that helps some of you to see that you NEED it, it's not a luxury to get some 'me' time!!!

Oh yah and another thing was when they said something like "Each time I eat when I am hungry, matching my hunger with a particular food and stop when I am satisfied, it gives me positive internal feedback that I can accurately respond to my hunger and that fosters trust and confidence in myself that was not possible when my eating patterns and my perceptions of my behaviours were created in my mind". "View your hunger and matching as a process of gathering experiences that you can carry with you forever. Each experience moves you one more step towards the direction of attuned eating, and most importantly, THESE EXPERIENCES CANNOT BE UNDONE."

Good huh?

So yah--I'm feeling pretty good and more self-confident lately and working hard to listen to my body and know that when I find that I can't, that it is an emotion that I don't want to deal with... I know that I won't be perfect at this but I really feel like I have turned a corner so thank you all for helping me to do that!!

I just need to remember that any 'mistakes' I make are okay, and to just keep moving forward and that every correct 'match' is an experience gathered that can never be taken away--so I will never have to start from scratch again... (Hard for me to believe with my all or nothing thinking but I'm trying!!)

Okay I think I'll post this and then go and respond to the other posts as there were definitely things that I wanted to respond to!

Holly
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#87 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 02:50 PM
 
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Oh, I wish I had time to really posts my thoughts...

Hopefully later. Anyways, I want to quickly check in. There is so much I'd love to repond to. All of the posts have been so thought provoking!! You are all such insightful strong, honest women!!

Hope to get back today. (speaking of taking time for yourself )

Take care, Christina

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#88 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 03:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Femme_rouge -- thanks for the kind words yet again! Change only comes through conflict--thanks for that also--that is so true and is definitely the case for me right now--both in the building of our house(!) and in my emotional stuff with how I deal with people. I really like the changes I have made - of course they are HORRIBLY hard at first but once I have done them, I am REALLY glad I did so hopefully I'll keep heading in that direction! I have written down your mantra and I will refer to it often--it is helpful for sure! Your plan of attack sounds great and very much inline with mine so let's work on it and NOT beat ourselves up if we stray--this journey is not a straight line, definitely more like a spiral--two steps forward one step back but then you get a deeper understanding each time. (One of the books I'm reading said something like that and I really like it!) I think if the change was easy, it would not be permanent!

Glad to have you back allgirls - I definitely agree that 5 or 10 minutes is all that is needed to ward us off from eating through our emotions so definitely use this group to help you do that and just post whenever you need to! I also journal if I can't get on the computer (or sometimes I just prefer to write rather than type and I can do it from my location on the couch where I usually feel like eating through my emotions!!)

Perhaps you can try to do what I have been successful with lately... when you feel like eating, try to figure out whether you are actually hungry... and then if you are, let yourself eat whatever it is that your body is wanting--there are no good and bad foods as long as you work on eating when your body is hungry and what your body is asking for -- please don't beat yourself up for eating pancakes and cookies--you obviously were dealing with something -- some kind of emotion -- and needed the comfort at that point - and perhaps next time, you can be kinder to yourself and stop and think about what feelings might come up for you if you did NOT eat anything (as long as you're not hungry of course!) and get on the computer or journal about whatever is coming up for you-- not matter how silly it seems....

missingthetrees - I'm so sorry you're feeling so crappy but do know that it will pass--I was feeling pretty crappy only a few days ago and I'm feeling fabulous now and so will you I'm sure! I'm sure the employer will understand... and perhaps the best thing for you to have done last night would have been to listen to your body and go to bed--you were obviously exhausted and you need to listen to your body and when it's tired, go to bed (when you can--I know that sometimes I want to go to bed but can't just depending on the kids but if you can, definitely do it--your body will thank you and you will find that if you don't listen, you will likely keep eating, trying to keep yourself awake)

I second the NOT looking at the scale at the Dr. office--I know it makes me obsessive even when I don't want it to--and it's just not worth taking the chance that it will trigger something in you so stand on it backwards and ask them not to tell you what it says as it won't do you any good--and obviously you already know that as you are stressing about it already (and good for you for realizing that--you must be doing some listening to yourself!)

Okay missingthetrees - if you are ready - let me know and I'll see if I can find my Why Weight Book (I'm pretty sure I have that one) and we can try to work through it together.... I'd be happy to help give you a push if you want one!

GouGou - I'm sure we can all relate to why you turned to food yesterday and PLEASE don't beat yourself up about it. You obviously needed some comfort or to take some time for yourself and eating was the only way you knew how to do that for yourself at the time. Beating yourself up about it does not help in any way, you need to be kind to yourself (as I'm sure you would to if a client said what you told us) as beating yourself up will only make you more prone to doing it again. While eating to soothe/numb your feelings is something you are doing to respond to yourself (which is admirable), as you know, it doesn't do any more good than applying icecream to a cut on your knee--I read that yesterday and found that helped me to see more clearly what I was doing so perhaps it will do that for you too?

Also remember that (as I'm sure you know) that this is a journey and it is not going to be all going forward, there will be times that you wish that you could have changed what you did and it sounds like you have been doing really well at listening to your body for a while and so while it seems scary, know that it is just one of the 'step backs' but that you have made MANY steps forward and so in the overall scheme of things, this is normal and you will still be able to continue going forward as you have a lot of positive experiences as well right?

I just read your second post and realize that you are already feeling better but thought I would leave my above advice for you or someone else to read when they need it another day.... Maybe I'll even be able to use it myself--that's the hardest to do of course!

While I'm not an immigrant and was never really skinny past the age of 12 (except for short periods when I was dieting), I can still relate to there being things that affect how we feel about weight etc. My family is definitely more on the chunky to fat side-my Dad is Scottish and my mom is British and that background brings it's own problems--like never saying if something is wrong in the family, always being/acting 'strong' and 'handling things' without help (it was HARD for me to get myself to a counsellor because of the stigma related to that and the chance that people would look down on me and my family--especially my parents!) so yah--I think I am naturally inclined to be stockier and my ankles are always large--even when I have lost a lot of weight... my thighs always touch and always will and my hips and butt will always stick out--so I am working on accepting what I have and trying to just be myself--the best person I can be and know where I came from and know what I am trying NOT to be like and then go from there...

My dad and my brother are obese (it feels horrible saying that about them as of course you don't talk about people's weight like that but it's a fact) and my mom has ALWAYS struggled with her weight as has my sister... My sister has been very healthy weight wise for maybe 6 years now however I don't think that she has a healthy relationship with food as she hasn't gotten any help and we were VERY similar before. I used to be the one that was skinnier and she was always jealous of me and now it has kind of reversed although I know she is skinnier, she is not 'healthier' in her mindset etc.--I am getting healthier in that way than her and I hope that one day she can too... Anyway, my sister is pregnant with her first baby now so she is struggling with that a lot and my mom isn't helping as she is encouraging her not to gain too much weight--when I wish she never did that to me as that made me obsess more when I think that you need to do when pregnant is not obsess and just let it happen... (Of course that is me looking back now!!) Anyway, my mom has always tried to 'help' my dad (and my brother when he was younger) to lose weight - she was a nurse and felt like it was helping but I KNOW in my heart that has only made things worse--his problem is that he doesn't deal with his emotions AT ALL being the good Scottish man that he is(!) and he is definitely what many people would say is a 'sensitive' person (like my sister and I were/are) but that is because he doesn't deal with his 'stuff' and I know in my heart that he never will (although I hope that I am wrong about that!) because he is so damn stubborn! So growing up my mom would restrict food, have treats occasionally (thinking that she was doing the 'right' thing) but she would restrict those too (like only 2 cookies each) and then we would each (all 3 kids and probably my dad too!) would sneak more and binge on them in secret and deny it when she would get mad as the treat was all gone! We would also eat really fast as whoever finished first got first dibs on seconds (even dessert) and we would always have to finish our plates and eat the things that we hated--and sit there until it was done! (I did a LOT of milk drinking--trying to drink down the meat that was fed to me as I always hated it and hated the thought of eating animals!) My dad was always the one to take us out for treats--usually when my mom was away--so ice cream or Burger King or donuts... so it was always like a sneaky thing and a reward and we often would not tell my mom as she wouldn't approve... but that was his way of showing his love I think.... Anyway, I'm guessing that if you have British parents, or even if not, there is a lot of that you can relate to--and of course I have vowed to NOT do any of those things with my kiddos but then it's hard to figure out what the heck TO do!!

In my book that I was reading last night, I started a chapter about how to raise kids to not be obsessed with food but I was too exhausted to read it last night so I hope to read that today so let me know if anyone wants to know any tips from that!

Gougou, I'm not sure if any of that helped--I went off on my own tangent, but know that I read all of your posts and while sometimes I don't understand everything you are saying, I know that it must be hard for you to deal with when you feel like you can help others but not yourself... Have you considered seeing someone yourself to work through some of that as I bet that would be helpful to you as you obviously believe in the work of counsellors and how helpful they can be, so why can't you give the gift of that to yourself as well???

Have a great day ladies!!

Holly
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#89 of 1694 Old 01-11-2007, 03:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just remembered something that happened yesterday--I was talking to my grandmother (her an I have become quite a bit closer since I started my counselling as once I started talking to her about revelations and such--she could REALLY relate as they were often things that she had learned in her life--but hadn't passed on and she had gone to counselling when one of her 2 daughters left the family when she was 18 but it was always a 'secret' because she felt ashamed for doing it) ... Anyway it's been great getting to REALLY know her over the past year or so as she is a lot different than what I thought she was...

Anyway, she told me that my mom is really upset lately and torn because she is stretching herself too thin and doesn't get to see her grandkids enough (my 3 and my brother's 2) - she is still working, does accounting for my dad's business and has 3 dogs, some cats and 2 horses and some land to take care of and it's getting to be too much...

Anyway, of course he biggest upset is that she gained weight over the holidays (and my grandmother said that she wouldn't say how much--not that it even matters)... It really made me wish that she could get some counselling as I KNOW it's not about her weight--it is about the choices that she is making in life that is upsetting her and she definitely has a warped relationship with food--a lot of restricting for sure and I wish she could feel more at peace with it. I told my grandmother all of that and said how I wish everyone could go to counselling and that I don't think she is ready to hear or do that yet... and that I don't know if she will ever be. I hope she will be one day--perhaps when she sees how much happier I am (and will be in the future as I heal more) then she will want to have that too and ask for help??? I hope so...

Anyway, just something I was thinking about...

Holly
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Hi Veggiemommy. Thanks so much for reading and responding. It means a lot to me.

In fact, I do see a therapist, someone whom I have connected very well with. This is my second therapist. My first one I saw for about 8 years. Funny thing is, this is an area I have a lot of trouble bringing into therapy, and so far have not addressed it with my current therapist. That says a lot, though I'm not sure exactly what it says... yet... Part of it may be the stigma of being a therapist myself and having this issue to contend with. It makes me feel weak and ashamed. There are all kinds of intricacies of being a "therapist/patient".

And... I also believe that this body/eating thing has the same underpinnings that much of what I bring into my sessions has. It's part of the same fabric and I know that at some point I'm going to have to tackle this. I guess posting here is the first step.

Sometimes I resent the fact that I go to therapy. I think to myself, "If everyone else in my life were dealing with their s--t, I could spend that one hour I have a week doing something else, something other than talking and crying."

But it takes some bravery to do therapy work. And, usually, the person in any family system that ends up "symptomatic" and in therapy is usually the healthiest of the lot.

Thanks again.

By the way, I went out and bought myself some comfy, flattering clothes today. It felt really good. This is something I rarely do because I tell myself, "I'll do it when I can fit into a size "whatever"".
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