Emotional eaters wanting to stop the diet mentality and be at peace with food? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 1694 Old 01-14-2007, 01:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh my goodness-just read your post GouGou-you must have posted as I was typing out mine...

I'm so sorry that your dh somehow feels like his occupation is more important and that he deserves a break and can do stuff with the kids when he feels like it--to help YOU out rather than as a family unit. I'm thinking that you should really sit down and talk to him about all of that - perhaps getting it out and into the open will really help?

It also sounds like you really need some time to yourself today--once he wakes up (or once you WAKE him up!) tell your dh that you need some alone time as well (and if he fusses, remind him that he got it last night AND this am) and make sure he sees how important it is to your sanity and for you to be a good mom... and then go OUT--and do WHATEVER--just get out for at least 2 or 3 hours. I think it will really help reset and recharge you and heck--you DESERVE it!!! PLEASE try to do at least that if nothing else today!!!

My dh does the same thing on the weekends a lot--however not until 11 am--oh I would be livid!! It's past 8am now and THAT is sleeping in at our house as the kids are often up at 6!! The same kind of thing happened yesterday--my daughter was in my face and pushing my arm and being annoying (trying to get me to eat oranges for some reason when I didn't want to!) and I was trying to eat my breakfast in peace... and I've been trying to sit and be mindful when I'm eating and I just couldn't do that with her behaving like that... I eventually screamed out something like "stop it josee" and then immediately felt bad... Now I KNOW my dh heard me scream (as our house is SMALL) and he knows I rarely do--so if I did, I need a break... yet he didn't get up... Of course that made me madder when I really should have just went and gotten him and told him that I need him to get her away from me to let me have a moment of peace!! Anyway, I ended up giving her a time out and the screams that ensued because of that finally got him up but man!! So yah, I can relate! Why do they get to be the ones to sleep in every weekend morning and why don't I challenge it more? It's likely because I usually CAN'T sleep in as I'm a morning person but I don't like the fact that I have to deal with the 3 of them every Sat & Sun morning while he SLEEPS IN and I deal with them all week as well!! Hmmm sounds like I need some 'mommy' time too today huh??

My kids also end up watching too much tv--especially as I have to work on JamTots too... I don't want to read that thread as I'll feel even worse but I will continue to be more mindful of that... I do often give them fun activities to do and encourage them to play other games and stuff instead of the tv as much as possible, but they definitely watch way more than I'd like... especially with the weather being so crappy...

Anyway, I can relate!!

holly
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#122 of 1694 Old 01-14-2007, 03:50 PM
 
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Veggiemommy, I know what you mean about getting back to "diet mentality" even as your efforts are intended towards getting you away from it. There's a tiny little part of me that hopes that when I open this up in therapy, somehow something's going to shift and finally, finally, I'm going to magically, automatically, and effortlessly lose 20 pounds. "All roads lead to Rome."

Baby's awake. Gotta go!
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#123 of 1694 Old 01-14-2007, 04:48 PM
 
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I'm back!

I keep identifying so much to the time to myself (ourselves) issue. I think this is big. Unfortunately like Holly and GouGou, it's a pretty rough day. Weekends are harder...what's with that? I'm sorry you are both struggling too. Today my DS finally went down for a nap, and my DP said he'd take DD out so I could nap too. This can be difficult for me to do ,but since I'd been up since 3:30, I thought I'd better try. I did deep breathing and finally dosed off. Of course then DS promptly woke up. I was frustrated, and what was the first thought? Go eat something. This is making more and more sense to me (on an emotional level...That is a struggle for me...I often grasp things only on an intellectual level). Forgive me because I know this has been said but I need to write through it. Food is so immediate. I am so depleted. It is the fastest way for me to psyche myself out that I'm "taking care" of myself. It is going to be more than eating mindfully for me or maybe it's taking the mindful thing to the next level. If I just don't eat because I'm not hungry, I will still be depleted. It "fills up" the depletion (in the moment). If I don't have something to take the place of eating, I will still feel depleted. If anything more so..KWIM? If I don't give myself something else to soothe me, and I take away the eating, I think I will feel punished. Eating is easier, quicker, immediately accessable (hmm...is this why in the past, I've binged on some pretty random things I don't even necessarly like?). In the moment if I can't deal with my emotions and there is the choice between old faithful and spending the time to figure out a plan to be fullfilled (Do I need to sit and cry/scream? Do I need to take some kind of class? Do I need to write a book? Do I need to plan a date with the girls? Do I need to have a serious heart to heart with DP...) food is right now. Back to the immediate consequence thing...just getting it on a different level. My partner and I have been trying to figure out a way for me to have some kid-free time, and while he's always agreeable in the moment-when it comes down to action- he sucks at supporting me. I have told him this.

He just came home with DD. I told him, "here's what's going to happen, I'm going to go into the bedroom and finish typing this. Then, I'm going to work out. Then, if the kids need me, I'll help settle them. Then, I'm going out by myself He agreed ( I think he is scared )

So, off I go to fill up myself with something other than food! See ya! I hope you are all able to do the same

Christina

In the time it has taken me to reread this, I'm already feeling guilty because I can hear DS is sad . I know DP is loving and capable to meet his needs. Help me be strong.

dust.gifloving magick mama to DD(7) flower.gif and DS (5) Bolt.gifLife partner DP blueman.gif  earth.gif )0( treehugger.gif
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#124 of 1694 Old 01-14-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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All in all DH has been pretty helpful today, so between him and the old boob tube, things have been better than I anticipated. Still not great, though. I left the house to go to therapy at 10 am yesterday and I've been home ever since. I can't even say when the kids last were outside. It's raining and they've been sick and DD hates to put on anything sensible. She's into the wearing the same thing (shorts and tshirt) every single day phase. We live in PA, so it's not appropriate to go out in shorts. I used to fight with her to dress her in something warmer, but I've stopped doing that. We live on a huge piece of land, but it does us no good right now.

I just told my DH that I hate weekends, and he told me he loves them... he lives for them all week. Was there ever a time I felt that way? I think that stretches of unstructured time are hard enough, but then you have to structure time for little kids who can't do it for themselves. It's too much!

I keep thinking that as they get a little older things will change... this is certainly what I hear from friends and colleagues whose kids are 6 y/o and over. I think when DS is DD's age it'll be a little more manageable. Then, maybe, I can plan real "me" time and fill it with things other than something so primal like eating. For now, I'll try to be gentle and accept myself as I am. I'll try.

Thank you all for being there this weekend. This has definitely been a source of sanity for me.

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#125 of 1694 Old 01-14-2007, 08:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi ladies,

I went out to Costco and the grocery store--but only took my youngest so that was *almost* a break!! At least I didn't have to listen to "I want this" and "can you buy this" and whining and crying when I say no or have the older 2 running everywhere and getting in people's ways!!

My dh actually did some cleaning of the house while I was gone so that was great too... I just had a little nap as well as I was exhausted when I got home and now we're getting ready for the realtor to come back with a price evaluation on our house...

I hear you about not being outside much--which is partly why I had to get out and go to Costco! I've been realizing lately that I also buy stuff when I don't feel good--I never realized that I did that before but money is REALLY REALLY tight right now and it's frustrating me!!

I wanted to say to you GouGou that it IS much easier when your child is 6... my oldest is 6 and especially if he is by himself, he is great--I can have a nap when he is home and he knows to let me rest unless something important happens and he plays lego or draws or whatever quite happily as his 'quiet time' and I can't wait for the day when all 3 can do that--then I could DEFINITELY have some 'me' time! So yes, I strongly believe that it will get easier--it better!!!

Femme_rouge--I think that you absolutely should do/look for some instant things that you can do instead of eating--I can't remember who said reading was a good one for them or journalling often helps me (or getting time to come and post on here) or some of the other things from the list I made a little while back... Those are definitely great to use when you can't just deal with the emotions without eating--feeling depleted is a big one for me too and often we can't do what it is that would help--like eat or sleep and so we definitely need to have alternatives that can get us through the moment but then ALSO have some alone time AS WELL and don't let that one not happen--I KNOW that is key for me--and when I don't have enough time away to just be my own person, that definitely makes things worse for me... However I know that I struggle a lot with making it a priority and making that happen but I can't stress it enough!!!

Ugh my mom told me about the latest diet she is trying this am. Apparently I need to tell her that is crossing my boundaries huh? I was sure to tell her that would NEVER work for me and how well I am doing, feeling the feelings and eating when I'm hungry--not whenever I FEEL like eating etc... but obviously she thinks that she doesn't do that... BULL!! She even told me that they were talking on some show or something about eating because of emotions so she said 'well obviously you're not the only one who does it' and I said--Oh I definitely know that--I believe that MOST people do it--and almost definitely the people who are even a little overweight do it--why else would they eat if it's not because they are hungry?? They just don't realize it yet... Man I'm so frustrated as she just doesn't get it--and most people in my life don't... It's sad really...

I think I better go--I want to get some de-cluttering done while I'm semi in the mood before the realtor comes!

Talk to you later!
Holly
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#126 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 12:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello ladies,

Not really sure that I have much to say but am wanting to eat some sweet stuff yet I'm full from dinner so there must be something eh?

We had a meeting with a realtor today and he thinks that our house will sell at almost $50,000 less that we were wanting to list it for. I'm REALLY stressing now as we were counting on more than that (at LEAST $20,000 more than he was suggesting) and I'm really concerned that he might be right... Although from what he was comparing our house to, I think that he is WAY lower than it should be but heck--what do I know??

I realized too that the other realtor that we had come asked us first what we thought it would sell for and then she agreed and said that she thought $10,000 less than that but it was pretty close to what we thought... She also seemed to love our house (like we do!) and we are thinking that would make her a better person to sell our house--because she believes in it.... However we are so worried that it won't sell in time and get the $$ that we NEED it to get so that our mortgage doesn't get completely out of control.

Anyway, that is my main stress at the moment--I wish it could all be done already but man I don't want to sell for $40,000 less just to get it sold fast--that won't be doing us any good either!! AAAAAGH!!!

Maybe I'll go and see if there are any posts about real estate and how to pick a great realtor as we are so confused!!

I hope that you ladies are having a good night--I'll be working hard to work through my feelings here without turning to food....

Take care,
Holly
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#127 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 12:53 AM
 
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Hi All. Finally some down time. Everyone's asleep and I'm alone in the kitchen. I just finished packing lunch and dinner for DH who will be at work for 24 hours (on-call). Tomorrow morning our housekeeper/nanny will arrive after a 6-week vacation to visit her family in S. America. She comes twice a week and mostly does cleaning, but some childcare as well. The kids are really attached to her and they've really missed her. My mom will also return tomorrow morning, so I will have a surplus of help. Perhaps I will take my laptop to the library and work on an article that's been hanging over my head for the longest time. We'll see.

Veggiemommy, I'm glad to hear you got out some and got some help from DH today. I, too, ended up taking the little one and going to the market. I came home and experimented with making mozzarella cheese. I messed up somewhere in the recipe because, although it looks and tastes like cheese, it has absolutely no resemblance to mozzarella.

Tomorrow is Monday and the week always starts with new hope and new promises. So, once again, looking forward to Monday, I'm telling myself I will do things differently. I will become mindful and try to take more time and space to myself.

I also have been thinking/wishing I knew someone who was "normal" with respect to body and food issues. I wish I could follow such a person around for a couple of days and see how they handle stress; how they decide when and what to eat. I don't think anyone I know is really typical in this way. My DH has developed some odd habits, probably due to having lived on his own for such a long time through med school and residency. His pattern is to not eat all day...literally not even a bite, and then to have a huge meal right before he goes to bed. Weird.

Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of our first date. So much has happened; so much has changed. I sometimes wonder if he notices that I have a weird relationship with food, and what he makes of it. So far, he hasn't commented at all. I know that he doesn't encourage me to diet; nor does he reinforce me with compliments when I'm in one of my thin periods. I've never talked about this with him, either.

I've been meaning to ask you ladies how pregnancy was for you all in terms of body/eating issues. For me it was very difficult. I think because my tendency has been to restrict, pregnancy was one big binge, both times. I ended up gaining around 60 lbs with each baby. I don't think I ever felt that "glow" that some pregnant women talk about. I just hated being so big and swollen. I hated feeling pressure each time I ate something. Towards the end of my pregnancies I didn't even want to be seen in public I felt so big and self-conscious. My second baby was born via C-section, so that did additional damage to an already sagging abdomen. All I can say is, my issues with eating and body image robbed me of any enjoyment I could have gotten from my pregnancies. It makes me really sad to think and say this, but it's true.

Well, the weekend is almost over. We seem to have survived. DH was actually very helpful, all told, but the kids were both in rare form today. Who knows? Maybe cabin fever? I'm really encouraged to hear that it gets better when they get a little older.

Be well.

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#128 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 11:43 AM
 
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lol you gals posted so much! haven't caught up yet....

on sunday, at church, our pastor was preaching on the story of Jesus turning the water to wine and how it was a metaphor for treating the symptoms/only dealing with the "outside" (washing with water,) vs. fixing what is wrong from the inside (with really great wine .) anyway he said something that caught my attention: "it isn't what you put into yourself that defiles you. it is what comes out that defiles you." it seemed very applicable to our struggles. the food isn't the problem, and dieting, like washing w/ water, is just treating the symptoms of a larger problem. to fix the problem, you have to get at the root of it...what is inside you. anyway i know this has been covered before, but i thought that analogy was kinda cool.

i will go back and try to catch up now!!
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#129 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 12:30 PM
 
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Good Morning All.

Just checking in to say Hi. Eldadeedlit... you speak my truth my friend.
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#130 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 12:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Good morning ladies,

I need some encouragement today... I ate food in front of the tv last night and definitely ate more than I needed (as I wasn't hungry to begin with--just craving and wasn't able to figure out what was at the root of it and kind of gave in to just eating anyway even though I knew I wasn't hungry...) I'm trying SO hard to be gentle with myself but my inner critic or drill sergeant is just beating me up like crazy even though I'm trying to change it... I'm thinking out loud here but I KNOW that I had done really well and was eating when I was hungry, and not when I was not hungry and I sensed that I was feeling like I was 'on the wagon' and I was worried about falling 'off the wagon' when I knew that I shouldn't be thinking of it that way but more like the more positive matches that I make food and hunger wise, the more positive experiences I will have that can never be taken away... but I'm REALLY finding the diet mentality stuff coming up here for me in that 2 days ago I ate a little in front of the tv and then last night it multiplied quite a bit and now I'm worried that it is going to continue every night... for several days there (4 or 5??) I was able to listen to my hunger and it was feeling so great--hard, but doable and then last night was SOOOOO hard and I'm just so worried that it will trigger me back into all my old habits...

Anyway, I really need a pep talk if anyone is willing to do that for me!!!

I know that one of the big things is the stress of selling the house and the low price that our realtor said our house would sell for. He kept saying things like he wanted to tell us the truth and be realistic and I just felt ill the whole time... He just kept talking and talking and I disagreed with so much of what he said but was also terrified that he was right...

I have asked a few other realtors to come over and give us an assessment so that we have a wider view of what they think we can sell for so hopefully those will go better... or I'll feel a HELL of a lot worse!!

Today my dh is going to be working on the house again so that is good however I won't have much time to write as I need to take my son to school very shortly here and have to get all the munchkins (and myself) up and ready to go but I have a few things I want to respond to....

WOW a Nanny twice a week-I am SOO jealous GouGou!! That is SO awesome that you get that help for yourself -- I know that I could REALLY use that - especially to give me some time to get some work done... I have been getting a housecleaner in once every 2 weeks and that helps a bit but she's just had surgery so isn't coming all this month and we are struggling to be able to afford it right now so we'll likely have to wait to have her again after we move and $$ settles down a bit after it's all done...

I too wish I could follow someone around that was normal around food... I should ask my counsellor if I can do that!!! It's a really good idea though!!

Wow I can't believe you haven't talked to your dh either--this is all so new for you to deal with eh? My husband knows and I always need to tell him what I need for support from him--lately it is to ask me how I am feeling or if anything is wrong if he sees me binging as I likely really need to talk... Of course back in the diet days I would binge on something and then have him hide it on me so I wouldn't see it and binge more the next morning... Poor guy...

I hope that you get the courage up to talk to your dh so that he can support you through this--I think being open really helps...

My preganancies... well my first one I too gave myself license to eat so I did gain more than I wanted--can't remember exactly but definitely over the 25-35 that is recommended... I was also exercising every day until I got REALLY ill (hellp syndrome--where basically my organs started shutting down - it was like I was allergic to my baby) at 33 weeks. They took him out at 35 weeks...

Then my second pregnancy they watched me a lot closer and I believe I ate quite a bit too--a lot out of stress that I was going to get sick again... They took my daughter out at 37 weeks just to be safe...

Then I got some help from my counsellor as I didn't want my daughter to have a whacked him relationship with food... Then came my third pregnancy and I ended up on bedrest for over 5 months! Of course I thought that was the end of me--thinking that I would be so bored, sitting on the couch all day, not being able to exercise and having constant access to food and being able to eat alone and in peace.... HOWEVER that was the BEST time of my life foor wise?!!

Go figure! I worked on a new website for JamTots the whole time so my mine was kept busy, my kids were in daycare because it was imperative that I rest and somehow--things were just SOOO easy--and didn't take any effort... when I got hungry, I had time to think about what to eat and ate that.. I also effortlessly stopped when I had enough as I knew I could get more anytime...

Anyway, so I KNOW it can happen! I've FELT IT!!! I KNOW that getting time to myself is a HUGE thing that I NEED and don't get NEARLY enough. I am convinced that as my kids get older and I'm not caring for them 24/7 then my issues with food will naturally get better... That is if I keep along this route...

SO my struggle is trying to work through my issues with food even though they are still really young-and if I can get through it now, I should be able to do it anytime! Especially if I can work through it NOW when I have SO much stress at the moment!! That was partly why I was SO shocked that I was doing so well at mindful eating for 4 or 5 days and why I was almost telling myself that it was time to fail!

Okay so I promise to journal next time I want to eat when I'm not hungry and check in with you guys and ask for help if I need it!!

I do have to go and get everyone ready but I'll check in later as that is definitely taking a few minutes to myself and always helps me.

Thanks for being here and listening to me ramble once again!!

OH I wanted to say that I have had 3 c-sections and yah--that certainly doesn't help ones self-image--I swear that it didn't hang over like this after my first but after 3 --man it looks like I'm a cat that just got fixed--you know when they have their skin hanging down?!?! UGH!!!!!

Okay gotta run!
Holly
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#131 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 04:48 PM
 
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Veggiemommy: Please don't berate yourself. Try to take stock of what's happened in the past few days. Yesterday, you talked about how your mom began to tell you about the latest diet she is on. My sense is that that conversation was much more laden and charged than you may be realizing. Maybe something happens between your mother and you in particular interations that aggravates the "void" or the sense of depletion.

OK.

So, here I am. I had breakfast and then went out on errands. I went to Trader Joe's to buy snacks for my DH to take to work. He keeps a stash of munchies there for when he has to work 24 hours and doesn't have time to sit and eat a full meal. (I also bought some things to keep at home, for the kids, and in case we have visitors).

(Just as an aside, my problems with food, weight, body image really started in College. I went to a women's college (one of the "Seven Sisters") in the early to mid 80's. Many of the girls I met came from affluent European-American families; and all of them were obsessive about food, weight, exercise. This is when I came to believe that it wasn't enough to be of a healthy, average weight. To fit in and to be noticed you had to be skinny. This was a very complicated period in my life for many reasons. Anyhow, before college and the onset of my "diet mentality" I could have all kinds of food in the house and forget it even existed. By senior year I had developed a much more pathological relationship with food, and since then my tendency has been to go through alternating periods of restricting and binging, and never ever being free of issues with food, eating, and body. If only I knew then what I know now... I would have just left well enough alone. Or would I have? The "deep issues" may have manifest in some other idiom, but since women in our culture tend to "somatize" or "embody" things, this is the path that I, as many other women, embarked upon.)

Trader Joe's Blister Peanuts are really problematic for me. It's serious uncontrolled grazing food.

I ate lunch and had a couple of handfuls of peanuts. I feel pleasantly sated, comfortable, not hungry, not too full. But I am tempted to go grab another handful, and another, and another... There's some nagging anxious feeling that I'm tying to ward off. There are a number of things I'm aware of: Initially, the first handful feels OK and deserved. I feel like eating the first handful is a healthy, pleasurable, and self-caring thing to do. The next few handfuls, the mouth-stomach dissociation begins to take hold. It's not about hunger any more. It's not even about "pleasure", as I believe it's OK to eat for pleasure. But this kind of eating gives me little or no pleasure. Eventually, I've lost count, and what's more I'm telling myself, "It's too late to stop. Stopping now isn't going to do you any good. OK... I'll just start fresh tomorrow... but for now this is what I'm going to do." And, I reach for another handful. Each subsequent handful now feels like self-punishment, something I cannot stop doing to myself.

Today I'm trying something different. Writing here is helping to interrupt the cycle. Earlier I went out and shopped for groceries. Whenever dysfunctional food thoughts began to emerge, I said to myself: "I'm not on a diet. I don't ever have to diet again. I want that muffin, but it will be there tomorrow and after tomorrow. It's not urgent for me to eat it today because I'm not going to go on a diet."

I also did something brave: I went to GAP and tried on clothes. I tried something on in a size that was fitting me at the end of my last diet (this past fall); and... it didn't fit. It was painful, but I decided to let it go. I bought something else that was comfortable and flattering.

I also did something else: In the past few years my "MO" has been to restrict carbohydrates. There were some nice, ripe bananas on the kitchen table, and for the first time in years, I looked at them lovingly and I took one and ate it. And it was delicious! I could almost feel all that nice potassium infiltrating my cells. I read somewhere that in order to start healing from body/food issues, an important step to take is to stop "outlawing" particular foods or food types. I tried to do this today.

I have to go for now. My DD's friend is coming over for a playdate and I have to get a few chores out of the way. Even with help, there are some things that won't get done unless I do them.



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#132 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 05:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for responding GouGou... my mom just stopped by and then I came to check to see if anyone had responded and by the end of reading your post I just felt compelled to cry.... However I'm not very good at crying when I need to--so I feel on the verge yet I haven't cried... I'm sure I need to--it's something I rarely do anymore--always wanting to protect my kids and probably for other reasons that I'm not aware of also....

I think that you are right in that the conversation with my mom affected me more than I realized--I did kind of *fight* back by telling her that doesn't work for me but now I wish that I told her not to discuss her weight or food around me right now--that it is NOT helpful to me and I'm sure there are other people who would discuss it with her... I wish I had realized that I needed to tell her that when she was here but I guess I'll wait a bit and call her when I think she'll be home again... Thank you for pointing that out--I still struggle a lot with figuring out what the heck it is that is bugging me and making me reach for food... I so wish my mom could stop the diet craziness and love herself the way I love her--I think she looks fabulous and I wish that she could see that too... it's very sad... And I likely weigh more than her at the moment and so it makes me think that she worries about my weight when she doesn't even think that her weight is okay... She used to be a nurse and often talks about different things that 'could' be wrong and scares the crap out of me so I can just imagine when she thinks when she sees me overweight at an age where she didn't have weight problems...

All I know is that I DON'T want to look/act like I'm on a diet or hating my body in front of my kiddos as I don't want it to affect them... So yah--maybe I need my mom to do the same for me as it certainly doesn't help me...

I wanted to say that I COMPLETELY agree with you in that you need to let go of the 'good food, bad food' mentality--that has been SOOO helpful to me as I most often don't binge like I used to and I think that I have a better relationship with food than I used to--I am not completely over that but about 95% I would say-I still occasionally have thoughts about that kind of stuff but mostly, all foods are equal and I don't disallow any foods and I find that I crave what I used to call the 'bad' ones a heck of a lot less and not nearly as intensely...

Anyway--I am not 'healed' yet but know that I am a heck of a lot closer than I once was and I truly believe that played a huge part in it--and was also one of the hardest things to do... It sounds like something that you really need to do--especially since you have done a lot of restriction in the past -- it's been a LONG time since I thought that a Banana was off limits and I DEFINITELY don't think that now -- good for you for eating one and enjoying it thoroughly today! Oh and I wanted to say that of course there is still tons to do even with a little help from the Nanny--I hope that me saying I was jealous didn't upset you--I KNOW that having help like that just scrapes the surface of all that needs to be done and I hope I didn't offend you--I'm just glad that you have that in place so that you can get some time to yourself or at least have some much needed help! Here I am making assumptions about what you may have thought but there ya go--I would hate for you to have thought that I was looking down on you -- I just wish we could afford more help and we'll definitely be getting some as soon as we can is all~!

Your description of how you were eating the peanuts sounds like what I did last night and what often happens with me--and I try not to say "oh I'll be better tomorrow" as that is the diet mentality kicking in again--I try to remember to be gentle with myself (the key word is TRY-I'm not quite there yet as you know!) and tell myself that it's not all over--that I have lots of positive experiences with food and that I am learning to work through my feelings without using food EVERY time and that it will get easier with time...

Anyway--I hope you can do that for yourself--just writing that out for you helps me believe it too... Last night I didn't eat more and more things or as much as I would have normally so that alone is success and a step forward right??

Gotta run--dh came home for lunch!!

Holly
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#133 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 07:15 PM
 
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gougou which college did you go to? i went to mt holyoke. left to be w/ my dh, but i loved it.
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#134 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 08:06 PM
 
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Barnard
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#135 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 08:38 PM
 
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hi ladies! I would like in.....I am a serious compulsive eater even thought I am not seriously overweight. I am 167 and 5' 4" . I am seriously out of control. I will eat anything and will go to the store if there is nothing or make some weird concotion out of odds and ends.....chocolate morsels, walnuts, peanut butter....you get the idea. I was a very thin girl.
I was pretty...everyone told me so....I had 3 kids....gained weight and then lost alot.....I was pretty again...my boobs were tiny...my waist was tiny and I was happy....another 3 kids later....I am huge, for me. I am uncomfortable in my skin. I dread morning because after my coffee if i eat anything, I am on a non stop roll.....its awful , I feel terrible and I eat because I am emotional eater and I do it to dull down.....it doesn't work so I wonder why do I keep doing it?
anyway..everyone is milling about...so I am gonna make this short.....for now.
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#136 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 09:09 PM
 
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Welcome Mothertoall! I hope this forum will be as meaningful and helpful for you as it has been for me.
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#137 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 09:11 PM
 
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Hey... I see a lot of you are logged in.

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#138 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 09:22 PM
 
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thanks gou gou


I really appreciate the support...I don't have alot of that IRL
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#139 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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I wish I could reply after I read posts . I end up reading here and there, and then usually coming back to post, and my rhythm of thoughts and responses are gone...I'm learning so much from you all about myself.

GouGou, the peanut eating also sounds very familiar...for me, by that point it becomes completely mindless. Not only do my emotions seem numb, but my taste buds do as well. I have thought after a binge, "what was the point of eating all that? I don't even remember tasting it". I've wondered if it's the feeling in my body I'm going for. Physically feeling full. Filled up. Not depleted. It's such a concrete feeling.

I have gone back and forth from allowing myself to eat whatever I want to restrictive eating. I don't think I've ever mastered beleiving that there aren't good and bad foods. This is another debate between my logic and my emotions. My emotions have so many charges on food. This is an area I am working hard on. Today there was something in the house charged as bad. When I was hungry, I thought, "oh I should just 'let' myself eat this." Then I remembered I had a special but "healthy" food. I thought that's what i really want, and I ate it. Then I needed to eat the "bad" food because I felt deprived. Awareness is so tricky for me. I'm trying, but sheesh! I wonder how it would have played out if I genuinly looked at the foods as equals.

I have also been finding it so challenging to eat in awareness or just be aware at all with young kids. It's hard when you can't even finish a conversation or a train of thought. Just the basics of...am I hungry...what do I really want to eat..are slipping through my fingers most days. Of course, it's not all or nothing. I know I am gaining some insights. I guess I'm just feeling pessimistic today. I think I'll try doing more positive self talk.

Holly, it was powerful for me to read your thoughts about wishing your mother would be there for you about this issue the way you are being there for your kids. You do and did deserve that. Your kids are so lucky to have you. I believe all of us mammas on this difficult journey are doing great things for our children

I have to go No more time. So much more to say.

Christina

PS GouGou I just saw the new posts...I've been logged on forever, but not at the computer, KWIM? Chasing kids, type a couple lines, tend to sick hubby, a couple more lines, nurse, nurse, type type

Welcome mothertoall

dust.gifloving magick mama to DD(7) flower.gif and DS (5) Bolt.gifLife partner DP blueman.gif  earth.gif )0( treehugger.gif
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#140 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 09:47 PM
 
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I just took another handful of peanuts. My DD asked me for some, so I happily shared my handful with her (I'm so happy when she asks me for anything to eat, since she is such a picky eater...), but then my thoughts were: "I didn't get to eat my whole handful, so I "deserve" to go grab another..."

Writing this down helps, but the feeling is still there. I've managed to "interrupt" the auto-pilot, and I'm hoping that this sets into motion a kind of "feedback loop" where the more I'm able to become aware in the moment and resist the binge, the less I want to binge.

This is actually the case with problems like "trichotillomania". This is when people pull their hairs out. Anyhow, stopping the first time is the hardest thing, but with each interruption, the impulse to pull becomes lessened. The less one engages in it, the less one wants to engage in it. Does this make sense?

Gotta go. DD is bugging me to get on the computer. She's fluent in "Whinese".
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#141 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 10:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just reading the posts -- whinese!!!: My kids are definitely fluent in that also!! I've been working on cutting down their yelling too--seems that they've picked that up from dh and it does definitely elicit a response from me... so I'm working on not giving them that satisfaction as I DON'T want to encourage it,

Welcome mothertoall--we sound like we're probably about the same size--I'm a little shorter though and haven't weighed myself in ages but I bet we're about the same -- however I definitely have issues with food...

I too have found in the past that if I eat certain things in the morning, that it would trigger a day full of eating.... However that hasn't happened quite as much as of late with all my 'work' here...

I agree with you femme_rouge--about getting filled up... I find it almost uncomfortable to NOT be full all the time... my stomach gets a little empty--not even close to being hungry yet though and I feel like I need to fill that void.... Interesting.... I think when I ever have a feeling in my stomach, it is often assumed that it is hunger when there are other things it could be... I wonder if that is why I end up eating--because food makes me feel full which is more familiar than the butterflies or anxiety or any other feeling makes my stomach feel... I don't know if I'm even making sense but that's okay right?

I can completely relate to not having a moment to even check in with yourself... I've struggled for so long with trying to remember to ask myself things like "Am I hungry", "Am I thirsty", "What do I need right now?" or "What am I feeling right now?". Being a mom is DEFINITELY the hardest job ever -- I KNOW that when I worked out of the home, those things would be so automatic but now I struggle to ask myself even once a day! I'm REALLY working on those questions though and trying to move them up and make them more of a priority--they are such small things that really don't take much time--I just need to make myself believe that I HAVE to do them and how important they are.... I notice when I don't ask myself about thirst then I don't drink water and the whole day is not as good... like today... So perhaps for me, if I'm asking myself about water and drinking water, at least I'm taking that little moment to myself throughout the day which is better than most days. It IS hard to finish a conversation or a train of thought--it's so funny as it's so normal for us parents of young kiddos but then when my sister is around--she gets SOOO frustrated with it and I just can't relate to that--man I would be frustrated ALL the time if I took it so seriously!! We definitely learn to let a lot of things go as parents -- I have a hard time relating to people without kids now as they really don't get it AT ALL and often try to make suggestions as if they know how to do it all!

Thank you so much for the postive feedback about what happened with my mom and what I'm doing for my kids (and all of us are). I TRULY believe that what we are doing is SOOO very important - ESPECIALLY for our kids--heck, I likely never would have gotten any help had I not had kids so I'm very thankful for them too as they've helped me to heal some already and I hope to be a good example to them as well... I keep trying to call my mom but she's not there... I have been chickening out the last few hours though--I'm dialing right now though.... GRR she's still not home!! Okay I'll have to be brave again later I guess! Someone definitely ask me tomorrow if I've talked to her yet as I don't want to forget and have her do it again!!!

Oh that's one thing I learned in counselling--that you can always talk about things that happened in the past--I was always told things like "why the heck are you bringing that up not--it's done..." etc. and so I always feel like I can't comment on things that happened before or how something affected me... I've been trying to practice doing it and not letting my core beliefs tell me that I can't tell someone how something affected me later (as that is usually when I realize that something bugged me--as I'm SOOO very good at pushing down my feelings--I don't realize until I'm journalling later that day or a week later or whatever!)

Anyway, I definitely want to ask her to not talk diets etc. to me or around me and I think I should tell everyone else in my life too--just for some extra support, you know?

GouGou - I certainly hope that you are right about interrupting the cycle--I like the thought of that and how it will get easier each time... but damn it's hard sometimes! I sat (at the table at least) and ate some sweets today... I tried very hard to eat them slowly and to be mindful... I KNOW that I would have eaten a LOT more normally--at least double what I ate if not more so that in itself is a success right? Although I felt frustrated that I did it anyway...

We'll see how tonight goes--I really want to not eat on the couch tonight... That's definitely my hardest time...

Anyway, thank you all for being here--I definitely know that talking to all of you is helping me on my journey and I hope it is proving helpful to you guys too!

There are lots of you that haven't posted lately... I hope that you are all doing okay and are reading at least - please post and let us know how you are doing!!

Holly
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#142 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 10:55 PM
 
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for immediate things (instead of eating)...my DH and I just got an iPod and I put a bunch of songs I love on it and that has been a great break thing...listening to a few songs. Before children, music was a HUGE part of my life...listening to it anyway. Last night I listened to it for about a half an hour before I went to sleep and it was bliss!!

Stressful things to stay away from? Heated discussions on TAO about Hooters!
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#143 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 11:01 PM
 
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re: pregnancy.... I gained a lot each time, but this last time was the worst. I have been getting progressively worse for the past few years in fact. With my son, I was very careful about what I ate (followed Brewer diet) but not in a bad way. Gained about 40 lbs but I think I gain a lot of water weight or something because I lost almost all of it within a month or two. Pregnancy for me is a miserable time. I hate being pregnant. I feel gross and fat and am convinced that everybody is staring at me and judging me all the time.... I have never had a C-section. What does it do to your abdomen, exactly? I mean, as far as how it looks go? Are you just talking about scarring? Sorry, I know it's ot... just curious. I always heard of people getting C-sections because they thought it would be *better* for how their body would be afterward (afraid of their vaginas looking like "sleeve of wizard" as Borat would say )

Quote:
Originally Posted by GouGou View Post
Hi All. Finally some down time. Everyone's asleep and I'm alone in the kitchen. I just finished packing lunch and dinner for DH who will be at work for 24 hours (on-call). Tomorrow morning our housekeeper/nanny will arrive after a 6-week vacation to visit her family in S. America. She comes twice a week and mostly does cleaning, but some childcare as well. The kids are really attached to her and they've really missed her. My mom will also return tomorrow morning, so I will have a surplus of help. Perhaps I will take my laptop to the library and work on an article that's been hanging over my head for the longest time. We'll see.

Veggiemommy, I'm glad to hear you got out some and got some help from DH today. I, too, ended up taking the little one and going to the market. I came home and experimented with making mozzarella cheese. I messed up somewhere in the recipe because, although it looks and tastes like cheese, it has absolutely no resemblance to mozzarella.

Tomorrow is Monday and the week always starts with new hope and new promises. So, once again, looking forward to Monday, I'm telling myself I will do things differently. I will become mindful and try to take more time and space to myself.

I also have been thinking/wishing I knew someone who was "normal" with respect to body and food issues. I wish I could follow such a person around for a couple of days and see how they handle stress; how they decide when and what to eat. I don't think anyone I know is really typical in this way. My DH has developed some odd habits, probably due to having lived on his own for such a long time through med school and residency. His pattern is to not eat all day...literally not even a bite, and then to have a huge meal right before he goes to bed. Weird.

Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of our first date. So much has happened; so much has changed. I sometimes wonder if he notices that I have a weird relationship with food, and what he makes of it. So far, he hasn't commented at all. I know that he doesn't encourage me to diet; nor does he reinforce me with compliments when I'm in one of my thin periods. I've never talked about this with him, either.

I've been meaning to ask you ladies how pregnancy was for you all in terms of body/eating issues. For me it was very difficult. I think because my tendency has been to restrict, pregnancy was one big binge, both times. I ended up gaining around 60 lbs with each baby. I don't think I ever felt that "glow" that some pregnant women talk about. I just hated being so big and swollen. I hated feeling pressure each time I ate something. Towards the end of my pregnancies I didn't even want to be seen in public I felt so big and self-conscious. My second baby was born via C-section, so that did additional damage to an already sagging abdomen. All I can say is, my issues with eating and body image robbed me of any enjoyment I could have gotten from my pregnancies. It makes me really sad to think and say this, but it's true.

Well, the weekend is almost over. We seem to have survived. DH was actually very helpful, all told, but the kids were both in rare form today. Who knows? Maybe cabin fever? I'm really encouraged to hear that it gets better when they get a little older.

Be well.

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#144 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 11:10 PM
 
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pep talk for veggie mommy!!

just because you "messed up" once doesn't mean you're on a downward spiral! Just dust yourself off and get back up, Mama! You can do it!

sorry no good at peptalks. but I tried!
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#145 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 11:26 PM
 
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Hi. I'm trying to process as I write. Thanks all for letting me work through this here.

So far I haven't grabbed another handful of peanuts. I'm a little hungry, but just a little. Perhaps it's even just thirst. Maybe a nice, creamy cup of decaf would be nice. My daughter is eating a banana next to me. I'm thrilled because she's actually eating the whole thing all by herself. This is truly a special occasion!

The baby keeps waking up. It's going to be a long, depleting night.

DH is on 24-hour call at the hospital. Today is the anniversary of our first date, 6 years ago.

I'm in a quandary. Do I grab another handful and be mindful about eating it, and then stop at one handful, not let it turn into a binge episode? Or do I wait a little longer and see if the craving dissipates?

I'm going to try to wait it out. Maybe I'll eat something else and see what happens.

When does the craving hit hardest? Each time I hear my son whimpering on the monitor; each time I go up and check on him, then come back downstairs... It's like I want a reward or something... Something to punctuate the monotony.

One of my good friends called me earlier. I will call her back as soon as my DD goes to bed (which hopefully will be soon). Perhaps a conversation with my friend will be fulfilling.

I want life to be like this: I want not to be threatened and preoccupied by food and body image. I want to be free of ideas like "good and bad" when it comes to food. I want my body to be comfortable. I want to be comfortable in and with my body.

DD's ready for bed. Will try to write again later.
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#146 of 1694 Old 01-15-2007, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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To answer your question about c-sections..... Well yes there is a scar but that's not too bad however I have a saggy 'hangover' section of skin that hangs over where the scar is... I SWEAR that it didn't do that after my first c-section so I keep thinking that they cut something wrong the next time as I've never been the same since... However I don't know if it is just a second/third pregnancy thing or if it's related to the c-sections... I just know that I have overhang that is DIRECTLY where the scar is... but maybe that's why they put the incision there--as it is hidden by overhanging skin?! All I know is that I did NOT have that before and I don't think it will ever go away--even if I did lose a lot of weight and was ultra ultra (too) skinny...

So--do you have that then?
My pregnancies were also pretty crappy overall--no glowing mama here and I didn't gain all in front like those 'beautiful' basketball bellies--I gained EVERYWHERE.... I always thought I just looked fat as well and thought people were judging me too... How horrible eh? My dh always said wonderful things but of course I didn't believe him...

I don't know what the heck you are talking about re the sleeve of wizard--care to explain to this non-natural birth mama?!?!? I don't know who Borat is either? Man do I feel dumb!!

I agree-music is great--but again, I forget to do it for myself... I have listened to some very relaxing music in the middle of the night while journalling before and that was fabulous.... Sometimes I put some music on and dance like a fool with my kids--that's always fun... I'll be sad when they don't want to do that anymore!!! They don't think I look like a fool and that's so great!!

Thanks for the pep talk--even though you think you're no good at it--it does help so thank you!! I am feeling better this afternoon so hopefully that will continue... I'm trying to wait until I'm hungry to eat dinner--my dinner is ready though and smells so yummy but no one else could wait for it (as it took 1&1/2 hours to cook) so they have all eaten already so it's fine as I can eat when my body is ready which is good!

I'm freezing again--I think I'll try to go and have a bath--my youngest is asleep as I missed putting him down for nap time in time for him to get up to pick up my oldest.. guess he'll be up late tonight so I better get some time to myself quick while I can! (He won't stay with my dh at night if I'm home so I always have him... I love him and all but MAN I want some time to myself at night and he just doesn't let that happen unless I'm not here!)

We have 2 realtors coming tomorrow and probably 2 the next day as well... One other one gave us a rough guess and it was more in the range that we were thinking so I'm hoping that he is right--I guess we'll wait and get more estimates from other realtors and then go from there...

Our plumber didn't show up YET AGAIN today--it's only been what, 3 weeks now that he keeps saying he's coming... good grief.. So our inspection can't happen on Friday as planned and our house is delayed YET AGAIN. UGH I'm beyond frustrated and trying to just let some of it go but man, we are in SOOO much debt and I don't know how we are going to pay for all of this and delaying it is costing us SO much more money. :

Anyway, I'm going to sneak off to the bath before it's bedtime or my littlest wakes up! My dh already had one so it's my turn!

I'll check in later I'm sure as I strive to not eat on the couch when I'm not hungry!!

s:

Holly
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#147 of 1694 Old 01-16-2007, 01:27 AM
 
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i have the saggy hanging skin thing on my tummy too, so it must just be a pregnancy thing. i hate it! and it is funny what you said about cats...a stray cat that our neighbor feeds gave birth to kittens not long before i had my dd chloe and i was remarking to my dh that i would look like the cat soon.

sleeve of wizard... lol my dh and i joke about this all the time! like the stereotypical image of a wizard, they have a big hanging sleeve, very loose? borat (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443453/) says his wife'sprivates are like "sleeve of wizard." , sorry. we have a sick sense of humor.

i'll come back tomorrow and read things in more detail. i am just starting my online courses and trying to get some of that done before bed.
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#148 of 1694 Old 01-16-2007, 02:44 AM
 
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so its almost 12:30 and I am up....I am resisiting the urge to eat something, anything....I'm in emotional pain and I don't know where to turn....my life up until recently was a shambles....and endless twist and turn of things being crappy and me letting them disolve into worse. I don't know if the baby is gonna wake up so I am gonna type until she does and post even if i'm not finished.......

I can't forgive myself.....i just can't. My children have paid dearly for my defiiciencies in this life , in taking care or not taking care of them ....and I just can't move it paralyzes me with an emotional pain and rage at myself. There is a part of me that feels like it is screaming inward alot of the time and I'm so tired.
I feel so drained. so I eat.....or I spend money...but thats another thread , I'm sure. I eat when I am frustrated and can't get past my pain .....I just keep shoveling it in....hoping to numb it down and it never really works...until I am so stuffed and angry with myself.....the internal voice screaming about what a pig I am .....and how fat and ugly I am.......so I eat to show the voice "I dont' care....so what!" but I feel worse...not better.......and I eat.
I used to smoke....and drink.....alot.....and I was skinny. I used to do alot of things.....I shouldn't ...and I was skinny. I loved my skinnny body....it fit in clothes nicely....and it was tiny...and cute. To me. I looked at a cookie and calmly had a cigarette and a diet coke......yay me .....although I didn't feel better....the alcohol numbed me and I didn't want to eat......
so......I had babies...and I couldn't drink ...or smoke....so i ate....and I got huge.....200lbs plus....and I hated myself.....so I ate......more. I had the babies....and I hated my droopy pudgy.....body....so I ate more and .....then the guiltwould creep back in....and I would cry...and eat......and cry some more. I know I am probably depressed....but I am afraid of meds. I tooke them before and they made me like a zombie. What am I supposed to do?? I dont' want to live my life hiding from the world because I hate who I am and dont' want them to know me because I dont' want them to know what I have done and continue to do......I am embarassed by me..
I think maybe of doing things like leaving myself kind notes..."you are beautiful" " you are loved" .....and maybe eventually I would believe it.....but I dont'. I go to sleep....If i can...and wake up and start all over again my unhappy frustrated battle with trying to live with my guilt .......and my pain......so I eat.
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#149 of 1694 Old 01-16-2007, 10:04 AM
 
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i want to apologize for my post.....i reread it this morning and i felt badly because it probably doesn't belong in this threaad.....i'm never sure where to post things....and sometimes get caught up in a moment of feeeling alone and i just want to reach out to someone.....i am very sorry if my post was inappropriate to this thread...if someone can direct me to somewhere else to vent...please do....
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#150 of 1694 Old 01-16-2007, 12:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh mothertoall, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so horrible...

I'm not sure if there is more involved (it was hard to tell from your post) but if you are frustrated about emotionally eating (and even shopping--I've recently realized that I do that too) then I would say that you belong here and please do post when you need/want to...

I think we can all relate to how you described your mindless eating experience where you beat yourself up over what you were eating and what your body is like during it and that causes you just to eat more--we can definintely relate to that...

Of course you will need to know (if you don't already) that the emotional eating is done to soothe yourself due to reasons APART from food and apart from how your body looks/feels--it is the other things in your life that you are not dealing with that generally cause this behaviour... It took me a long time to really believe that, but I know that it is true... Are you able to get some counselling to get to some of the inner problems? I have been to counselling (and will go once my dh starts working again) and it is SOOO very helpful--I definitely recommend it--and if you go and don't like your counsellor, try another one until you find one that you do...)

Another thing that helped me recently is getting a light box -- you know the ones for seasonal affective disorder (SAD) - it has really helped my overall mood as apparently I wasn't getting enough sun in my rainy part of the world and our bodies NEED the sun... Anyway--it can often help with depression too although if you need medication (and there are lots of different kinds so perhaps you could try a different kind or lower dose if you feel like a zombie on what you used to take--I've known several people who took medicine for depression and they didn't feel like a zombie--they were helped tremendously so there is a chance!) then you should likely find out if you should be taking some but don't JUST take the medicine--get some talk therapy as well so that hopefully you can work through your 'stuff' and then get off the medication.... There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it--it makes you a stronger person to be able to ask for help so please do talk to a professional and see what they can do to help you and of course you are welcome to post or vent here and most of all tell us about your successes!!

Please know that you ARE beautiful, you ARE loved and that we are always hardest on ourselves and it takes a long time to change our inner critic--I am still working on that... Try to think of what you might say to someone else that posted what you did... and then give that kindness to yourself...

It sounds like you are likely very similar to the rest of us in that you need some time to yourself--my goodness you have 6 children--wow--you need it more than anything and I'm willing to be that is something that is missing...do you ever get some time away from the kids, just to do things that YOU enjoy?? I would most definitely work on getting that achieved--for at least 30 minutes a day where you are uninterrupted... oh and also try to at least get outside for a walk every day as that helps too... And try for several times a week where you get several hours at a time away if that is even remotely possible... I bet that would be a HUGE help (and something I'm still working on doing) and if your dh knows how much it would be of help to you, I'm sure he would be onboard...

Be kind to yourself most of all,

eldadeetlit--HAHAHA oh a sleeve like from clothing--duh!! I don't know why I didn't realize that was what you were saying! Thanks for the link--now I know what the heck you are talking about--I haven't seen that guy before however my sister and brother-in-law always talk about him so I can picture it now!!

Ugh I ate on the couch yet again last night. UGH it's SO hard to break those patterns huh? I was craving SO much and couldn't seem to stop the thoughts.. although again, I ate slowly and really enjoyed what I ate and likely ate less than I would have had I not paid attention but still feel myself getting mad at myself... I also had my youngest on the couch with me--after I've been caring for him ALL day--perhaps that is part of the problem too--I haven't had any time for myself lately (well I did have a bath!!) - I haven't been able to get out for a run or a walk or anything because of all this snow (and man--it's not even supposed to snow here and it's causing so many delays on my poor house!) and I haven't taken any other time to myself... Hmmm does it all come back to not having any alone time do you you think!?!?

AAAAGH why don't I realize that until after the fact??? DUH!!

I still have to call my mom as she must have worked last night so I wasn't able to call her... hopefully that will go okay...

Anyway, I'll check back later. Mothertoall, be gentle on yourself,

Holly
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