Emotional eaters wanting to stop the diet mentality and be at peace with food? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 1694 Old 12-29-2006, 02:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have seen some other threads relating this but I was wanting to start a fresh thread and BEG that people that respond steer clear of talking about diets or weighing themselves etc. as I was hoping to have a thread where those of us wanting to be at peace with food can come and exchange ideas/tips/revelations and encourage each other. There are plenty of other diet type threads if you prefer to go that route but I KNOW that there is a way to get/be healthy and have a healthy relationship with food rather than obsessing about it and trying the latest diets etc. but it IS a lot of work (as mainly it is NOT about the food--but about the other things in your life that need work and you are likely just using food to calm yourself or to stuff down your emotions) and it is definitely not a fast fix but I think it will be SO worth it in the long run.

I have gone to counselling on & off since my daughter was about 1 because I did NOT want her to grow up and have such a warped relationship with food (I am not anorexic or bulemic myself which I think is why it took me so long to get some help--because those are the two 'disorders' that are most often talked about so I thought that I must be fine although I didn't feel fine) and so I went to get help on NOT letting this happen to her and low and behold I was told that to help her grow up and have a normal relationship with food, I have to help myself first....

So I have had some counselling and some group counselling (which I highly recommend!) and I know that when I look back that I have REALLY come a long way although I know that I still have a ways to go. I can't afford any counselling at the moment as my husband lost his job at the end of August but hopefully I'll get to start going again in the spring... I was hoping to find like minded others to share what I have learned and to talk to as I can relate to others going through this (or who have been through this and made it to the 'other side') more than I can to most of the women in my life as they are all still fixated on whatever diet they are on, how much dessert they can have, how many points something is and how fat they feel/look which is just not healthy for me to be around all the time!

My biggest problem is not actually doing the things for myself that I need to be doing. I have 3 young children (my oldest son just turned 6, my daughter 4 and my youngest son will be 2 in February) and I co-own an online business that I am very passionate about so I find myself almost addicted to working on it so I hardly have any time for myself. I am working very hard to strike some kind of balance and that is my biggest struggle right now as I want to give my kids as much attention as I can, but I also have to work (from home) as we live in a VERY expensive city so even when my husband is working, we still need some kind of income from me and then I need to squeeze in some me time (which is always the first thing to go when something has to give--and usually if I find myself binging, it's because I haven't taken enough time to myself lately--which is a lot of the time right now it seems)

I also need to work on not being a doormat to some of my friends/family members, not taking things personally (that is HARD for me!) and being more of an optimist rather than a pessimist. I find that yoga, meditation, journalling and also doing NIA (a dance type class that I recently starting going to and HIGHLY recommend for helping with your body image as well as just having FUN and feeling great after) all help a lot but it's trying to make the time to do them that is hard to juggle.

I also suffer from way too frequent migraines and find that since being a mom, I have a really hard time remembering to drink water and can go days without drinking any (and then wonder why I keep getting migraines!) so as of the last couple of days, I measured out how many water bottles I needed to drink to get at least 8 cups of water a day and then I wear that many hair elastics on my wrist and then as I finish each bottle of water, I transfer the elastic from my wrist to the bottle--I found that this REALLY helped me as I really had a hard time taking even a moment to myself to remember to drink water--but this worked for me (so far!!) so I thought that I would mention it! I always feel better when I'm hydrated too... It's funny--I used to drink a ton of water, and when I'm not around my kids, I can easily get my water in for the day but I guess that when I'm around them, my whole life is centered around them so I easily forget....

I'm rambling once again it seems so I'll stop now but I hope to find like minded moms out there so we can work through this journey together--I know that it is therapeutic to me just to talk/type/write out stuff like this as well as knowing that I might be able to help someone else go down this path rather than going on yet another diet and feel helpless when they 'fail to have the willpower to stick with it' again (it's NOT about will power at all!!) as I feel better about myself now than I ever did (although I still have a ways to go as far as my self-esteem, but it IS a lot better than it used to be!)

Holly
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#2 of 1694 Old 12-29-2006, 03:40 PM
 
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Subbing to this thread. I will type more when the kids go to bed tonight. A bit of a tough issue for me and I need my head in it when I type.

Before I sign off though...I posted in the HH thank you thread, and I had NO idea who owned Jamtots, but you sent me a parcel jam packed full of diapers and clothes for my ds. Thank you so much!
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#3 of 1694 Old 12-29-2006, 05:38 PM
 
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I'm in. I may not always WANT to be in, but this is exactly what I need right now.

I just had a discussion with DH last night - I think he finally gets it that I don't have a normal relationship with food. From the questions he asked (he asks very perceptive questions) and the answers I gave (those were kinda hard for me), he finally looked at me and said, "Those are answers that a drug addict would give for why they take drugs!" I think he GETS it now. I feel such a sense of relief from that discussion - maybe it's just knowing that DH realizes this is deeper than he originally thought. Interestingly, I haven't turned to food for comfort this morning!

Ok, gotta get back to work. Will post more when I can, but thank you, Holly, for being willing to share what you've learned from your journey!
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#4 of 1694 Old 12-29-2006, 07:34 PM
 
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I'd like to participate. I will be frank that I am currently trying to lose weight, not through a formal diet, but through breaking my emotional dependence on food. My primary goal is to break the dependence so that I can be a good role model for my kids & enjoy better health. I do weigh myself etc, but I won't discuss that here. Obviously the weight loss is secondary.

missingthetrees - interesting about your conversation with your DH. I expect that will be a help for you.

I went to a couple counseling sessions (solo) for this, with marginal success. I recently found out I get 5 free sessions through my health insurance, so I'm going to pursue that in January. Maybe I can find a more specialized counselor.

I've been building up my "toolbox". Things I can do or tell myself when I want to eat when I'm not hungry. And they all work, but I often don't use them. My desire to eat is stronger than my desire to be strong, until after I've eaten, when I beat myself up over it. So for me the biggest challenge is figuring out how to be committed to making a change. For a few weeks in October, something just clicked for me. I didn't have the emotional need to eat. I still don't know why it happened (or why it ended), but for a few weeks I ate only when hungry & only till I was just full. I felt so liberated!!
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#5 of 1694 Old 12-29-2006, 09:45 PM
 
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I'm in too. I'm in my late 30's and been struggling with food ever since I remember myself. I find it a little pathetic to be almost 40 and still have an eating disorder. I thought it's like acne that's supposed to go away when you grow up...
I'm an emotional eater. I turn to food when I'm depressed, sad, angry, mad or just had a bad day.
But enough with the bad stuff, here are some good things that I'm trying to do:
1. read, read, read. I'm reading Fat is a Feminist Issue and when I'm done with that I'll reread When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies. I read it a long time ago and it was very good.
2. remember that my body is not a trash can. I try to eat healthy, whole grain unprocessed food. I never limit myself with what I eat but I try to eat until I'm full (very very difficult, especially with sweets and bread but I'm working on it).
3. Eat exactly what I feel like and when I feel like. Yesterday night for example we had meatballs and rice for dinner. But for some reason I felt I really want rice and black beans (very strange, my cravings are usually for chocolate and not black beans but hey, a craving for a good food is a good thing,,,). So I made myself some rice with beans, wasn't very complicated and I felt happy and satisfied all evening long. I'm sure that if I were too lazy to make myself that special dinner and ate with the rest of the family the evening would have ended with some binge eating.

OK, it's getting too long so I'll stop now.
Good Luck to all of us.
Bilb.
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#6 of 1694 Old 12-30-2006, 11:32 AM
 
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I'm in, too. I admit that I *am* trying to lose weight, but I wont talk about it! I know that my primary goal needs to be having a healthy relationship with food, and I intend to improve my lifestyle and mental health and HOPEFULLY the weight will follow. Either that or I'll come to terms with my body.

missingthetrees... I had the same kind of discussion with my DH a couple weeks ago. I ate his ice cream, and he kept talking about it, and it was just humiliating me. : and he kept asking me if I had any respect for him at all, since I keep eating his special food etc. I don't remember every detail of the conversation, but I do remember him being shocked at my responses to his questions and MAN did I feel embarassed about the person I have become! Holy moly. Well, anyway. I'm sure I will be back to this thread. Today I am starting to try to be accountable for what I eat, instead of scarfing it and trying to forget it. I'm keeping a journal and writing down what I eat...how I feel, etc. Hopefully that will make me less likely to drown my sorrows with donuts and cookies! So far so good, although I've only been doing it a couple hours.

OK must go get on with my day! I have a very important trip to the fabric store planned! Have a good day, mamas.
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#7 of 1694 Old 12-30-2006, 12:29 PM
 
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I do think of my food issues similar to an addiction. However, the problem with food is that it can't be an all or nothing thing. You need to eat. Its the balance I don't know how to do.

L

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#8 of 1694 Old 12-30-2006, 12:51 PM
 
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Count me in! I'll give my food history later.
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#9 of 1694 Old 12-30-2006, 03:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow I'm so happy that there are others that want to work through this with me! I had a bit of a binge last night and then decided to journal and found out exactly what it was (basically it was that my dh has been telling occasional lies throughout our marriage and we had a blowout last night because he was acting deceptive... but then I tried to block out what happened (like I normally do) and act like everything is normal without realizing I was doing that... Anyway--then came my binge.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today although that is NOT sorted out yet but I think I made it pretty clear that I can no longer put up with ANY lies and that it makes me feel like he doesn't respect me etc. so hopefully I have gotten through to him but I guess only time will tell. He was very defensive throughout the whole thing which was frustrating as he has admitted to it before (when caught red handed).

Anyway, I finally got some time to myself to go for a run today (haven't done any sort of activity at all for weeks with xmas and all being so busy and then my birthday etc.) so that felt REALLY good--had some new music to listen to including some more relaxing music that I almost skipped by but it was actually really nice to run to! I actually really like running once I'm out there but I used to think of it as all or nothing (just like food and everything else) -- either I ran fast and hard or didn't go at all and I'm working on going just because I feel good and because I enjoy it (and I can walk if I would rather do that) rather than I HAVE to go and run the WHOLE time and go a certain distance etc. I find it MUCH more enjoyable this way even though everyone else around me runs for other reasons...

Anyway, I'm glad I went! I hope to use my new bike (birthday gift!) as well -- it is MUCH more fun to ride than my old heavy clunky one so I picture it getting much more use--because I WANT to use it, not because I want to exercise KWIM?

Now to reply to your comments--BabyGrant, I'd love to hear more from you when you get a moment (I know what you mean about having your head in the right place in order to write--and having a moment without the kids interrupting every 2 seconds!) -- I'm SO glad that you enjoyed what we sent to you and I hope you had a very happy holiday season!

Missingthetrees--I DEFINITELY know what you mean about being in but perhaps not always WANTING to be in--I felt that way last night but it's actually really great to have a support group of sorts---I know that I would still 'mess up' but I would also have milestones and it was so great to share both with my 'group' as they would help me see the good in what went wrong and even find milestones in what I thought were screw ups--as they wouldn't be as bad as I would have done before--it's really helpful to have others point those things out for you! I had the same sort of discussion with my dh when I went to go get counselling and I know that he 'gets it' as much as he can anyway--he is a tall, skinny, athletic, can eat whatever he wants type of guy that can only 'get it' so much! He has been SUPER supportive through all of this though and has NEVER hesitated about having me use our limited funds to go to counselling... of course after going, I believe EVERYONE could use counselling and I wish that he would go to work through his lying thing oh and his yelling thing... (I guess that's his way to destress and it SUCKS as it is usually at the kids and I've been working REALLY hard to get him to stop or to 'rescue' them as my group had my realize how destructive that behaviour is... unfortunately he doesn't see it as a huge problem yet... Anyway, glad to have you here too!

Livi's Mama - I would definitely recommend trying to find a counsellor that knows about compulsive overeating... I tried a different counsellor first and she basically told me about another diet to try! I was horrified and at least I knew by that time that was NOT the answer as I had sworn to NOT ever go on one again. Anyway, feeling really discouraged I ended up looking online and came across the Cedric Centre and I filled out their survey about eating problems and found out that I did infact have disordered eating! Of course that wasn't great however it was great to know that there was actually help for what I knew deep down was a problem with food. I went there and the counsellors REALLY 'get' it and have had eating issues in the past as well and have made it to the 'other' side which is really inspiring. They are really fabulous women and I HIGHLY recommend them. They are in my city (how lucky am I??) but they do phone and msn/email counselling too so perhaps you could try them? Some people I know have done the MSN counselling and love it as they can save the whole conversation at the end and read it later which is nice. I know that you wouldn't be disapointed--they have helped me SOOO much. I too have had stetches of time where food just isn't an issue--one was when I was on bedrest with my 3rd child (for 4&1/2 months!) and I thought that being home alone (my other 2 kiddos had to be in daycare so I could rest properly) with easy access to food all day and not exercising would be terrible for me but it was actually the most peaceful time in my life as I had all that time to thing about MYSELF rather than focusing on my kids all day. Anyway--so I KNOW that I can be at peace with food - I have had other moments where I have felt it and I know that if I keep working at it, I can get there and truly not have a struggle with it anymore. One of the MAIN things is to NOT beat yourself up if you eat more than you wanted to or have a binge--THAT is only something that will make you binge more and beat you up. If I had a binge, I KNOW that you would NEVER be harsh to me as you know that would make me feel worse and binge again--so WHY do that to yourself?? My counsellor would often say would you want your daughter to feel the way that you make yourself feel? I of course would say definitely not and that would horrify me and so she would then say well why do you think that you deserve to feel like that?? Anyway, it will take time to work through this and it's often 5 steps forward, 3 steps back but it will happen and it will be WELL worth it in the end I'm sure--just DON'T beat yourself up about it--try to see how far you have come and see every thing that you do well rather than focus on the negative. When you feel like binging, get out your binge food and then sit down with it and a piece of paper and just write down what is going through your head (while eating if you want) -- what is BEHIND the binge--what is really bugging you and you'll likely find that you'll stop your binge before you would have without doing that...

Bilbi, I think it was you that made me want to speak out as you seem to really 'get' the same things that I do--you are definitely on your way! I just turned 33 on Wednesday and I too thought that it was pathetic to still be like this-I thought that once I had kids that I wouldn't have time to worry about this kind of stuff and I would outgrow it--so I guess that's partly why I finally got help-I realized that was not going to happen and didn't want this to be the legacy that I passed on. That's SO great that you made exactly what you wanted for dinner--good for you! Sometimes that is hard to do, but you might as well as otherwise you likely would have binged on something later, trying to fill that void because you didn't give yourself what you wanted. I find it hard sometimes to sit down and figure out what it is that I want but I know that when I do, it is really great for me. Oh and don't worry about typing for too long--you didn't type much at all! I find it very therapeutic--I thought only journalling was like that but am finding that typing to you ladies is therapeutic as well so I'm just not going to worry about it--if it's too long for some of you, then feel free to skip over me!

Eldadeedlit--thank you for respecting the not talking about weight loss thing--I figure that there are SO many other places to talk about that--on mothering and other boards as well as in real life. It is the 'normal' thing to do it seems, and everyone is always talking about it so I almost feel like I don't fit in as I am not focusing on that... of course I would love to lose some weight and just feel healthier but I refuse to limit food and cause any of the work I've done to go backwards just to lose some weight. I KNOW in my heart that once I work through all of my issues, I will end up at a healthy weight for me. I also wanted to say - DON'T be embarrased--I would think that your dh would be proud of you for admitting everything to him and for wanting to change... I was terribly embarassed about going to counselling and was hiding it at the beginning and my Aunt told me how proud she was of me for being big enough to be able to admit that I could use some help and that it showed how fabulous a person I was and that I was NOT weak in any way. It took me a little while to believe that however I now truly believe that and know that I am a MUCH better person because of counselling and I am much happier and I wish everyone I knew would go as this world would be a much better place if that was true! A journal is a great idea - even if just to write NON food related things--just what little things are bugging you (or big things) - it doesn't matter how little--but just seeing all of what you have on your plate can make you feel better about feeling overwhelmed. I know that I try to minimize things, thinking that will make me feel better and get through the day but actually owning up to all that I have going on, makes me feel better for some reason...

Loudmama--I used to think like that too but found that once I allowed ALL foods to be 'safe' rather than having good and bad foods--and having all of the old 'bad' foods in my house and around me all the time, that they lost their power over me. It's the restriction and thinking that you are 'bad' for eating certain foods that causes you to eat more etc. Although that seems really scary at first, it is very liberating. I thought that I would gain a TON of weight if I did that, as I had been constantly on and off diets but I am still wearing the same clothes as I did when I finally accepted all foods and ate what I want when I wanted it... I do still binge though so I haven't lost weight as of yet but I know in my heart that will come when I am ready... At least I'm not yo-yoing or depriving myself all the time only to binge at other times so that is great and well worth it as I no longer obsess about food all the time--there are so many better things to spend my brain power on!

Glad to have you here as well 3happygirls.

Anyway--I have to go--that was a LOOOONG post--I just dare one of you to beat that one--and hey--I don't feel bad about it at all but I do feel a lot better for writing it so hopefully someone will get something out of it, but if not, then at least I did!

I do have to go now but I'll check in later with you ladies! Have a fabulous day!

Holly
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#10 of 1694 Old 12-31-2006, 10:12 AM
 
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I do think of my food issues similar to an addiction. However, the problem with food is that it can't be an all or nothing thing. You need to eat. Its the balance I don't know how to do.

L
yes!! this is exactly how i feel. if i were an alcoholic, i could "just" abstain, but with food, obviously this is impossible.
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#11 of 1694 Old 12-31-2006, 10:16 AM
 
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veggiemommy--

yeah, basically i really WANT to lose weight, but i refuse to go on a diet. i am confident that once i work through my emotional issues (and stop eating so much sugar! it is ridiculous how much sugar i have been eating!) i will lose the weight. oh, and exercise obviously. i just need to treat my body better...not like a garbage can as somebody said.
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#12 of 1694 Old 12-31-2006, 04:41 PM
 
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Hi, I'm back again to give my background and to commit to being accountable/open about my eating habits. I've just realized (admitted) recently that this isn't "bad diet"/"bad metabolism" that it's habitual eating, addiction, slothfulness and a general who-cares-attitude about myself. I have a lot of history that I can blame this on....nothing too drastic, but the usual "loving nick-names" from my mom and her CONSTANT dieting, asking me if I'm concerned about my weight, when I was looking my best, etc. I have two very thin sisters who have battled with food compulsions, as well, but swing in the opposite direction like being so obsessed with every calorie that they actually CAN'T eat; I'm the opposite. So I have realized that compulsion, obsesssion and food addiction goes both ways and is not about weight loss. That said, I DO want to lose weight, but I know that it's NOT a matter of dieting, rather than gaining control of my emotions/compulsions and finding somewhere else to go for comfort than food. A little about me...my dh doesn't think I eat a lot and thinks I eat healthy. I DO like healthy food, but many times am not hungry at dinner time, b/c I binge during the day. I LOVE to eat alone, not so much when my kids are around. There's a strange comfort for me in solitude and being able to eat what I want with no accountability/kids asking for some and being able to avoid the guilt of teaching my kids how to eat unhealthily. So, nap time is my BIG BINGE time, and then when they go to bed as well. I love being able to chill and hang-out after the kids are down and this just goes hand-in-hand with food. But, it's not only these times that I binge anymore. I work at the church nursery and they always have donuts there when we go in to meet at the before all the kids show up. I'll have my one donut, then found a reason to leave the room mid-way through to go HIDE and eat another donut...no self-control whatsoever.

I feel how unhealthy I am. I didn't used to in the recent past. I'm pretty active and have always enjoyed hiking, camping, backpacking, playing with the kids, walks around the park, but not so much now! I'm eternally exhausted and have no desire to keep up with the kids. I'm the mom who typically sits on the park bench to watch the kids play now. My walks to the park are only to the playground and then to sit and watch. I want to teach my kids how to be active....being idle is part of my problem with food!

I eat to get back at my mom. To show her that I'M in control of what I do...not her. I'M NOT INSECURE and have a need for everyone's acceptance and obsess about my body image!! (Yeah, right) I hated it that she was always like this when I was growing up, rather than teaching me how to have a healthy body image, she taught me how to be REALLY CAREFUL to always look my "best" for everyone else. That always meant trying to be thinner and prettier than everyone else...God forbid someone is thinner or prettier than us! The fact that I was bright, funny, spiritually strong, level-headed, down-to-earth, everybody's best girlfriend, athletic and a loyal friend and daughter was not as important! In the off-season from sports she would give a little pat on the butt and say, "I bet you're looking forward to the season starting up again so you can get back in shape! I bet you wish you'd kept up with your exercise during the off-season, you're really going to regret it". She spoke disappointment in me when I wasn't disappointed in myself. She used to hide food from us as kids. It was always light-hearted and kind of a family joke that she had her "addictions" hidden in her night stand. She didn't realize until we were older that we knew where they were. It would vary from her eating a whole bag of gumballs, Bit-o-Honeys, fireballs, ice cream, etc. etc. Now I realize she had a sugar addiction, as do I. And my need to sit and eat in solitude is exactly what she was doing. I have a cabinet of junk and candy that my kids don't know is there. It may seem harsh, but put together with a lifetime, it makes sense. I always resented her for this hypocrisy and it went hand-in-hand with a lot of other feelings I had about my mom that have nothing to do with food, as well.

Anyway - I know this isn't a blame game and that I've got to take responsibility for my own choices. I just have recently gone "way back" to figure out some of my subliminal thought processes behind why I do what I do. This is, for sure, not an exhaustive list of why and I hope to find out more through this process. I used to journal, but don't take the time anymore, as with a lot of other hobbies and interests. I hope I can find some desire to start being more introspective/taking an interest in myself to find healing! Thanks for reading, if you've gotten this far!!
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#13 of 1694 Old 12-31-2006, 08:58 PM
 
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I actually really like running once I'm out there but I used to think of it as all or nothing (just like food and everything else) -- either I ran fast and hard or didn't go at all and I'm working on going just because I feel good and because I enjoy it (and I can walk if I would rather Holly
You are so right about the all or nothing . For me it's either go to the gym, work real hard for two hours or don't go at all. And the same thing with food- count every bite I eat or eat as if the end of the world is coming and there won't be any more food tomorrow...
So today, after reading your post I decided to take the dog for a little walk. I usualy don't take him with me when I want to exercise because he stops at every tree and has to sniff everything and that slows me down and "doesn't count as exercise" but today I decided to forget about all my rules and take him with me. It's so beautiful outside so we walked for almost an hour and had a great time. I still don't consider it exercise because I didn't push myself to the limit but at least I didn't stay home feeling bad that I didn't go the gym all week and we all know what happens when we feel bad about ourselves...
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#14 of 1694 Old 12-31-2006, 09:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by eldadeedlit View Post
veggiemommy--

yeah, basically i really WANT to lose weight, but i refuse to go on a diet. i am confident that once i work through my emotional issues (and stop eating so much sugar! it is ridiculous how much sugar i have been eating!) i will lose the weight. oh, and exercise obviously. i just need to treat my body better...not like a garbage can as somebody said.
I want to lose some weight too and as you said, I now that once I stop binging on sugar and bread I will lose that weight, but most of all I want to stop thinking about food and my struggles with it all the time.
If God will appear in my dream tonight and promise me that food will no longer be such an issue in my life but in return I'll have to stay with my extra 30 pounds I will take the deal with both hands. I'm just so tired of dealing with it all the time. I want to be able to think about food 3-4 times a day when I'm hungry and not 60-70 times a day when I'm mad or bored or tired or whatever.
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#15 of 1694 Old 12-31-2006, 09:46 PM
 
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Count me in too.

I've got a pounding headache and mono right now, but I will definitely be back to write more when I'm feeling a little better.

And I have to admit to being a little star-struck about being here with the "jamtots mom"! I can't wait to finally be pg again so I can buy some diapers.

Candy, Mom to Matthew (5/02) and Ethan (10/07)

Trying for #3 starting 5/13

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#16 of 1694 Old 01-01-2007, 11:03 AM
 
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tee hee, I may have to buy some diapers, too! We need inserts.
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#17 of 1694 Old 01-01-2007, 01:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello ladies,

I have just realized that I have been binging on and off for the last few days and feeling more out of control than I have been and I'm just trying to work through what is behind it...

My husband and are are building a house right now (we bought the land last MARCH and expected to be in by August but we have JUST gotten to lock up and it looks like it will be March by the time we're in) and the only way we could afford to build a house was to have our neighbour (who is a firefighter but also builds and who WAS our neighbour and will be our neighbour again once we move in to our new house--they built theirs first) build it and my husband to help out as much as he can....

Anyway, I think that is a MAJOR source of stress for us right now as the builder/friend/neighbour is VERY sarcastic--which I admit that I used to be quite guilty of--and it's really starting to get to me... Essentially he thinks that he can say whatever he wants and then if he sees that it upsets someone, then he says 'oh I was just joking'! UGH! And it turns out that he is QUITE sexist and tells my dh to make the decisions himself because he makes the money (which isn't even true) and says things to him like 'who wears the pants in your family?' My husabnd and I are a team and we make decisions together and he is being mocked for that and my dh is similar to me in that he avoids confrontation (something we are both working on--sticking up for ourselves) and so he just thinks of it all as a joke and tries to tell me it is a joke.... So several things have happened lately that have made me really upset and same with my dh and so we have had a good vent (just with each other) regarding the way he is talking to us but unfortunately we feel afraid to say anything to our builder because we don't want him to abandan us part way through building our house! And mainly because we are afraid of confronting him as he is much more agressive than we are...

Anyway, that is a HUGE thing going on in my life right now--that and just the very fact that we are in big time debt right now doing this as we have been paying for the lot since March, my dh got laid off on Sept 1st (which actually worked out well as he's gotten to work on our house some in between looking for a job) and so money is REALLY tight and that is scary in itself. My dh has gotten a job but it doesn't start until the 3rd week of January and it pays terribly and has no benefits so that is stressful also.

Then he has since gotten an interview for a FABULOUS company that is one of the top companies in Canada to work for, great benefits and likely great pay and now we are stressing out because he is terrified to get the job as that would mean letting down the other place which he has said he will start at in a few weeks! However I know in my heart that no one in their right mind would turn down a job that that know they would love a lot more, that had benefits and better pay for a 1 year term job with worse pay and no benefits right? We know that he has to take it if he gets it but we are horrified at upsetting the other place (and we live in a SMALL town so we are afraid of slamming the door in his face for other opportunities down the road!)

Anyway, those are the main things going on for us right now--duh no wonder I'm binging eh? Any ideas how to work through some of this? His interview is on Wed so hopefully we'll find out by Monday if he got the job so at least he can stop stressing if he doesn't get it, or let the other place know if he does get it.... So hopefully that stress will be gone soon but I just don't know how to diminish some of the house stress...

3happygirls--glad to have you come back and post! I can completely relate to you saying that you hide out with food when your kids are sleeping--I still find myself doing that at times--I too get frustrated when my kiddos constantly have to have what I'm eating (even if I give them the same) and can't just let me have something to eat in peace! I found that I was trying to eat well in front of them and then would binge when they were asleep--but they would sometimes catch me doing that (which can't be good as you know) and I talked to my counsellor about it and she said that I should eat what I want, when I want it, even if it is crap when my kids are around sometimes.... She suggested that it is okay to not eat perfectly around my kids but that I would likely binge less if I wasn't trying to hide it from them and if I ate the foods openly--even though that seemed scary to me. It is good for my kids to see me not eat perfectly as that is one thing that was NOT modeled to me growing up--that it was OKAY to make mistakes and that my parents made mistakes... I always thought that I had to be perfect and that my parents were perfect etc.... The best gift you can give your child is to show them that you are NOT perfect and that EVERYONE makes mistakes. I truly believe that.

I can definitely relate to how you speak about your mom--my mom was constantly on diets (and still is) and constantly tried to get my dad on diets (and still is) and I think that really frames a child's life which is why I refuse to let my kids see my 'diet' or talk negatively about myself. I too try to take responsibility but I can also see what things have affected the way that I think/do things so that I can understand where they came from as that helps in changing them... I too don't blame my mom as I know in my heart that she did the best that she could and did what she thought was healthy for us (like hardly ever having treats and then when we did, we could have 2 cookies -- so the 3 of us kids would just sneak some and hide and binge on them and then deny that we took more--or we would scarf down one serving as fast as we could as whoever finished first could have more and there wasn't enough for everyone to have more... or force us to finish our plates even when we weren't hungry... all very common things to do in our parents generation--they thought that they were doing well by us...) My mom didn't say things (that I can remember) about my weight directly but did say things to my dad and brother and my grandmothers both said things about my weight ... Actually my parents used to say things about me being the skinny one in the family (up until grade 6) and then of course when that stopped, I felt horrible... and when I have dieted and lost weight, my parents always say that I have lost too much and look too skinny when in fact I was generally not too skinny... but I don't know if they were threatened or what but I could never just 'be' with my weight, unless I was overweight--which was somehow acceptable.

That is SO fabulous bilbi that you went for a nice walk with your dog and ENJOYED it!!! I am still struggling with this one somewhat (some days are better than others!) but I know that it is SO nice to actually enjoy the activity that you are doing and that does more good than anything else! And it absolutely WAS exercise--just different than what your 'rules' tell you but it was still good for your body, good for your mind, good for your dog and great for you to get the fresh air. Don't diminish that--it was great that you went and enjoyed yourself--it definitely doesn't have to be all or nothing and it was more than you have done for a week and anything is better than nothing so GOOD FOR YOU!!! I think all the 'rules' we give ourselves are so destructive so I encourage you to try to let go of some of them and just enjoy yourself and see how that goes...

One thing I realized when in a group counselling session was that I'm a perfectionist -- now this actually came as a shock to me--I said "well you women haven't seen my house--I'm obviously NOT a perfectionist!"

Well--that actually proved their case that I was a perfectionist even more which SHOCKED me. That was because I wanted the house so perfect that it would just seem SO overwhelming so I wouldn't know where to start, so I wouldn't. I always had to clean JUST SO-I couldn't do a quick sweep of the floor--I had to get under and behind absolutely everything and before I could do that, I had to put EVERYTHING away and on it goes. Anyway-I was in total denial that I was a perfectionist but after the ladies in my group told me and I had some time to reflect on it, I realized that they were absolutely right.... and I have since realized that my mom is the one that I learned that from--she's constantly complaining about how the cleaning lady cleans and can't appreciate anything anyone has done as it is not done the 'perfect' way that she does it. Anyway, I was mentioning all of that as I think that many women that struggle with food struggle with being a perfectionist as well (even if they don't realize if) because is can often boil down to the 'all or nothing' thing again. I try to keep my house somewhat neat but then my kids and dh make huge messes and I give up and then stop cleaning up after myself and just let it go--until it gets so bad and I feel SOOO overwhelmed and get up the courage to try to fix it again... Anyway--just food for thought as I believe that I do the same about food (although not as much as I used to) - that I either eat really healthy or I eat everything in site as if I'm starting a horrible diet the next day. Same with exercise--I want to work out for 2 hours and if I can't, then I just lay on the couch and then don't exercise for a week!

What I've found with food is that if I can just eat what I want, when I want it, it will often even out--because my binges were big and then the healthy eating in between--it would kind of balance out (somewhat) and so eating more normally (not super healthy necessarily but not so much binging either) was a much nicer way to live.... The same can be applied to exercise and cleaning and everything else that we obsess about in life and it is a MUCH more enjoyable way to live but does take some time to get there! I'm trying not to beat myself up for binging lately but just see it as part of my journey and know that my binges are not nearly what they used to be and that they are becoming less frequent so I am moving forward even if it isn't in a 'perfect' fashion.

Matt's mom in MT--welcome and I hope that you are feeling better soon--how horrible for you! I look forward to hearing more about you when you are able. And that is SO funny that you are a little starstruck with being here with me--of course I can't imagine why you would think that but hey it's pretty neat to hear!! I have to admit that I was a little nervous talking about this 'publicly' using my business login as I know that not everyone can relate to what I am saying or going through and that there is definitely still a lot of judgement around going to counselling but the more that I've gone to counselling and learned and changed, the more that I feel like it is a fabulous thing and nothing to be embarassed about and that I shouldn't be embarassed about any of this--it is who I am and plays a HUGE part in my life and I am working on it and hopefully my business won't be negatively affected by me speaking out...

Anyway--welcome and of course let me know if anyone needs any diaper help--I think it's pretty obvious to me now why I started JamTots with my friend Jen--I really missed helping people and feel so strongly about cloth diapering and it really allows me to do that... It seems that people with eating issues are often the 'helper' types and put others before themselves etc. as they often have people in their lives that they have to walk on eggshells around (I certainly do!) and that they have to sense what they are feeling and be able to 'read their minds' etc.... However I am learning to stop doing that with those people in my life as it doesn't help them or me--I try to be much more upfront and say what I mean and not expect people to read my mind or read between the lines and I hope that other people will do the same for me... even thought it is really unnatural for me!

I have once again written a book--can you tell that I need help condensing the product descriptions that I write for JamTots hahaha?!?!?! Yup I'm a chatterbox!

I look forward to hearing from you ladies again and I'm so glad that some of what I have said has been helpful - even if just in a tiny way - to some of you already--and you ladies have helped me already too so thank you for being so open!

Happy New Year!

Holly
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#18 of 1694 Old 01-01-2007, 01:36 PM
 
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Not sure all of what to say, just glad you are all here. I, too, feel I can be a perfectionist, you just wouldn't know it either by looking at my house! Its that all or nothing thing! My DH only marginally believes this about me. I did go through a practically starve myself phase when I was 14/15. Not good. Just hard for me to balance anything. Throw some depression in there, & it all goes to "pot." Ugh! I do have an appointment to see a therapist in a few weeks & I am starting some exercise for my physical therapy, so hopefully that will give some new perspective.

Well, I need to go. Baby needs to eat!

L

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#19 of 1694 Old 01-01-2007, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree--finding balance in everything is definitely a struggle... I've been on the computer here this morning as I was up early and was wanting it to be light out before I went for a run .... then once I realized it was light (now), I realized how late it is and that I can't go for a decent run so I was thinking just to go and eat instead...

However I am going to get my butt out the door and just have a really short run as I know that I will feel better just for going and getting a little activity in so I just wanted to say that -- I'll try to check in when I do positive things as well instead of just what is going wrong so I have to go now to get going before my dh goes back to working on our house!

Have a great day ladies!
Holly
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#20 of 1694 Old 01-01-2007, 02:23 PM
 
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I totally agree with the assessment that some of these issues are steeped in perfectionism. I just learned this through reading some of the "Flylady" stuff. I had no idea until then that I was a perfectionist. I've had people tell me that I'm "all or nothing", but always took that negatively. This is why I have to stay clear of reading up on or trying to achieve becoming a vegetarian...this leads to raw foodism and juicing and then MASSIVE binging. I've done all that before and gone WAAAYYY overboard to the point where I couldn't even accept an invitation to someone's house for dinner without bringing my bowl of berries and lettuce to eat while everyone else graciously ate what was served them. I lost a few relationships due to this, not to mention my mom continually suggesting that I "go raw" again. She has no idea the damage it did and the amount of mental torture I did to myself to make sure I didn't screw it up. I'm trying to figure out how to allow myself to be successful and not defeated.

I, too, struggle with depression and I see this and the perfectionism causing real problems in my relationships with my kids, dh, spiritual relationship and on and on. I want to journal, but can I pick up one that I left off??? NOOOO....I must get a nice, clean, NEW journal (and a fun pen) b/4 I can start. I MUST start on a Monday. Oh, yeah, and I need to have a nice warm pot of tea on the stove and a loaf of homemade bread in the oven, a candle lit and music on before I can sit down to journal, read, contemplate or even clean house. It has to be the perfect picture that exists only in my mind's eye.

Anyway---glad everyone's here. It's good to get some of this out and at least start thinking about it. We went to breakfast this A.M. and, while I ate too much, I DID leave a lot on my plate. (normally, I have to eat every last morsel) We have another party to go to tonight, so I'm hoping to maintain some self-control.
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#21 of 1694 Old 01-01-2007, 08:11 PM
 
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Hi all,
Just came across this thread and I'm so in! I've been on this path for several years, trying to heal my heart so I won't have to eat it all and then wear it on the outside in the form of a very large body.

I really enjoyed reading the conversation about perfectionism. That's totally me. I have such insanely high expectations, so I flip-flop back and forth, being "good," driving myself too hard, giving myself way too little, until I collapse, then dive headfirst into a carton of ice cream or donuts, do nothing, feel like a failure, etc. It's a terrible cycle! I've been doing much better for about 11 months now, with no significant binges in that time, but wow! The emotional stuff that comes up when I stopped the excess food takes my breath away! Well, actually, not so much now. The first few months, though, were something else. I cried so much I was afraid my face would melt. I think I've healed a lot though in that time. I'm much more stable now.

There's something Christianne Northrup says in her book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom that changed my thinking about all of these issues (and isn't it amazing how so many of us seem to share this stuff?). I won't get the quote exactly right, but the crux of it was, 'changes we make out of self-hatred are bound to fail; changes we make out of self-love will last.' So that's sort of my backbone idea for everything I've done in the quest for healing. Diets are about hating myself, hating my fat, hating, hating, hating. But learning to eat well, learning to nourish myself with whole foods, that's about love for myself. Even if I don't feel that love when I'm making myself a fabulous lunch, I figure I'm sending all kinds of messages to my subconscious that say things like, 'I'm worth the time and effort that it requires to eat well.' And when I can't do anything but be mean to myself, I try to "talk" to myself the same way I talk to my children. If they make mistakes, I help them fix it and help them express their feelings about it, then remind them that I love them like crazy and always will, no matter what. Would I call them lazy idiots (or worse) like I do to myself? Never, of course. I don't deserve any less!

So anyway, I've been really focused on using an inner voice (This all sounds very woo-woo new agey, doesn't it? I'm totally a practical person, but this seems right at the moment.) that's nurturing. It's really working for me. I think a lot of my eating comes out of plain old loneliness and hurt for a lack of nurturing in my life.

Right now, I'm struggling because I'm having lots of low back and pelvic pain that we're having trouble diagnosing. They called it an infection at first, but after NINE abx (yes, no kidding, 9! Two injections, one by IV, and six oral), that dx is seeming less likely. So I may be headed for so more invasive tests, likely a lap to see if this is endometriosis, then maybe surgery if it is endo or hospitalization for the truly down-and-dirty abx if it is, in fact, an infection. So between the pain pills that increase my cravings for mass amounts of carbs (esp. chocolate!), being unable to exercise (which is like a magic bullet for keeping my stress levels low), and the general grouchiness that comes with being in pain and being bored because I can't really do much, I'm having more trouble than usual eating in a way that feels right.

Has anyone looked into this program? I've read the book and done the orientation and I'm going to do it; it looks amazing. Well, actually, I started, then all this pain and the medicine got in the way. But it's the real deal, a way to achieve deep healing for these kinds of problems. Really, when I read the book, I just had this sense that this is it. It's about learning to nurture yourself and change your expectations so they're more realistic, so you don't bang up against things so much. If that makes sense. Sorry if I'm not clear. Pain pills, ya' know. The method is a lot of work and takes 1-2 years, but I'm way beyond the point where I'm looking for a quick fix, ya' know? I know in my guts by now that the pain that drives my food problem is deep and wide.

Enough outta me? Yes, I think so.

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#22 of 1694 Old 01-01-2007, 11:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by veggiemommy View Post
Well--that actually proved their case that I was a perfectionist even more which SHOCKED me. That was because I wanted the house so perfect that it would just seem SO overwhelming so I wouldn't know where to start, so I wouldn't. I always had to clean JUST SO-I couldn't do a quick sweep of the floor--I had to get under and behind absolutely everything and before I could do that, I had to put EVERYTHING away and on it goes.
omg I haven't gotten a chance to read through your whole post, but this is SO ME. I am always telling my husband this! I can be TERRIBLY messy because of that exact reason. I am a perfectionist, and it is all-or-nothing with me. So yeah, if I "mess up" and eat a brownie or something, the whole day is ruined anyway, so I should just eat *all* the brownies. I used to be this way with school too but once I chose computer science as my minor, I had to let that go.
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#23 of 1694 Old 01-02-2007, 12:38 PM
 
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Uptownzoo - man oh man oh man - that quote from C. Northrup struck SUCH a chord in me. I sat here going, "yeah! yeah! wow!" and then had to write it down in my calendar. Thank you for sharing that!! Now I need to figure out the self-love part... Any suggestions?

So I've done pretty well this weekend, eating to satisfaction, rather than overeating. I'm happy about that. I also exercised this morning, which helps get my mood up. I'm happy about that, too!

Anybody have any opinions about Geneen Roth? I've read almost all of one of her books, but didn't finish it, because I felt like then I'd have to act on what I read. If I didn't finish the book, I didn't have to act on, because I 'haven't finished reading the book yet!' Doh! Anyway, I ordered another one of her books, and a CD that I can listen to in the car when I'm commuting (which is about the only time I have to myself). :

Have a great day, all! Type to you later...

MaryBeth
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#24 of 1694 Old 01-02-2007, 06:56 PM
 
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subbing to this thread. I will go back and read all of the replies.

I have been fighting emotional eating for years. I finally got a handle on it a few months ago, but I've been slipping back into old habits the last few weeks.

I basically eat when I am bored, sad, and especially when I am procrastinating.

I'll be back to add more........

Gigi. Mommy to 3 girls.
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#25 of 1694 Old 01-03-2007, 01:59 AM
 
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I asked for you all and this forum, and here it is! Talk about new agey: I really did ask for likeminded people to be with during my journey toward peace with my body, and HERE YOU ARE! No, don't go putting me on "ignore," I'm not nuts! Just happy

I have the book When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair by Geneen Roth from the library right now. She must be the sanest person I've ever read. Here are some of her ideas, in my own words:

- Get rid of your "skinny" clothes. They mock you and make you feel like you have to put off being as lovely as you are until later.

-Get rid of your "fat" clothes. They think your success at losing weight is temporary. They mock your success.

- Live "As If" you were already thin. It's a well known truth that people who have successfully lost weight shake their heads saying, "I thought I'd be so happy, but I still feel fat!" So realize that your body size has nothing to do with feeling fat or thin. It's a con you play on yourself, and you can stop. Wear something soft and lovely, in your size.

- Every diet has an equal and opposite binge. Diets don't work because you will eventually binge. This is so true for me. Lose 3 lbs, celebrate with a bite of bread that turns into ten, with butter.

It's all about being kind to yourself until you are rational and loving enough to act on your own behalf. You can't act on your own behalf when your inner voices are telling you that you'll be happy only if you're thin, and that since you're not, you really do suck. Right?

Isn't Geneen Roth awesome?!

I've been on many, many paths toward healing my emotional issues so I can be kind to myself, and act on my own behalf. I have read every word every one of you has written on this thread, and feel like I, too, have insights to share and will benefit from being with you right now. I hope we can keep this up for the time needed to have some real breakthroughs.

In July 2004 I went to the Hoffman Quadrinity Process and dealt fully and deeply with my issues with my parents. I went because I was determined my then-2-year-old DDs would not inherit the legacy of pain that my parents passed on to me. It is a beautiful process, full of physical and emotional hard work, that yields a kind of freedom from inner hatred that I'd never experienced before. The Quadrinity means your Body, Mind, Spirit, and Emotional selves being in harmony and supporting one another. If you "somatize" your emotions, you are punishing your body for things you think you've done wrong. Migraines, IMO, are a somatization of guilt and anger about being driven to perfection. If I'm not good enough, I can show everyone that I know I'm not good by punishing myself. Then maybe they won't think they need to punish me. It's a hangover from childhood.

My DD is begging me to play with her while she waits for her sis to get out of the shower - so I'm going. I'll keep up with you all, this is important to me!
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#26 of 1694 Old 01-03-2007, 02:37 AM
 
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I re-read my post and I want to clarify that I don't think I've "arrived" yet. I am feeling very happy for how far I've come, and I also know I have a long way to go to be at peace with my body.

Also, I believe FlyLady's book Body Clutter gives a program for finding your emotional reasons for eating too much. I don't have the book, though, so I can't say if it advocates losing weight so much as loving yourself enough to eat well ??

I'll be back....
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#27 of 1694 Old 01-03-2007, 07:40 PM
 
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Oh my goodness, did I kill it?? I hope not !
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#28 of 1694 Old 01-03-2007, 09:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh my goodness CurlyTop--of course not!

I know that I often think that too after I post something--especially when I posted some of my really long ones--I hope I don't scare anyone away!!

Anyway, I have been waiting to get a chance to write back--unfortunately I am up to my eyeballs with catching up from taking some actual holidays so I'm WAY busier than normal right now so this will have to be quick (yah right!!)

Oh my goodness 3happygirls--you are SO funny about how and when you can journal--I guess it's so funny as I have TOTALLY done that too--however I decided just to buy a nice notebook (full size spiral bound--doesn't *look* like a journal so I don't have to worry so much about someone wanting to read it!) and I just try to use it - even if it is just a few lines - as often as I can. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to ever use it (at least in my life) if I did all that you said... so I'm sure you would tell me to use it whenever I could and that it doesn't have to be the perfect scenerio and that to perhaps carry it with me so I could use it while waiting at the Dr's office or at my daughter's dance class or whatever.... so I'm going to say the same to you! (Somehow it seems to stick more for me when people say things that way to me so I thought that I would try to see if that helped you any?!?!) It really does help you see things more clearly and to get some feelings out that you might not realize that you have and of course having some quiet time to do it is super, but it is still doable without that... and of course you can come and chat to us instead of your journal if you want--I find that it helps to do both...

Interesting about the fly lady stuff--I joined that a while ago and just felt overwhelmed--mostly with all those darn emails--I could never keep up and kept keeping them, wanting to read them all and that made me feel worse so I finally quit getting them as there was too much guilt involved for me (at least at that time!!)

Uptownzoo--so good to have you too, glad you found us and it's great that you are part way through your journey too--it's fabulous to have people in different 'places' so that we can all learn from each other, see where we have come from and where it is possible to go! You mention doing much better for 11 months--what helped you to get on that better path? I know you mentioned your health being the main cause of stopping and I hope that you find out what is causing your pain soon so that something can be done about it--not knowing is SO hard. I know how frustrating it can feel to be 'doing better' and then to feel like you are suddenly going back to old behaviours... especially when it is caused by something out of your control however I know it's a long journey and it's HARD to change lifelong behaviours as they are ingrained in our brain pathways but it IS possible!

I love that Northrup quote that you mentioned--I completely agree that doing things out of love for yourself rather than hate is a MUCH healthier and much more successful. I too have been taught quite a bit about the inner voice (and trust me, when I started to go to counselling, I thought a lot of that was NUTS!!) but it is definitely a great tool albeit an area I need a lot more work. I find it hard to be kind to myself and I'm sure that is a common theme with most of us...

I looked into that program a little yesterday and it does look quite good apart from the food part--any program that deals with food scares me away personally as I know that being told what to eat etc. will cause me to rebel and I've worked too hard to get to where I am but of course that is just me... You mentioned reading a book--was it from there? Is it enough on it's own as the whole program seems really expensive (and again has the food element)--and does the book deal much with what food you can/can't eat? I'd love to hear more if you don't mind sharing...

eldadeedlit - isn't the 'all or nothing' thinking just so destructive--it just permeates every area of our lives and until someone points it out or you read about the behaviour, it just seems 'normal' when it is far from it! I am definitely working hard on this one!

missingthetrees--I too have Geneen Roth books--I should dig them out--I had them before I went to counselling funnily enough but didn't really follow through with the work as it just seemed to scary I think and to 'out there' at the time--but I know I've changed a lot in the past few years and I bet that I would learn a lot more from them this time around. I think she definitely has some great things to say-you should definitely go back and actually *do* the work this time--perhaps we can challenge each other to do a certain part at a time or something--at least to get us started?? Which one do you want to read again--I can check and see if I have it... The listening in the car is a great idea--unfortunately I can't do that--I never drive more than 10 or 15 minutes and the kids are always with me and I'm thinking that they won't enjoy that too much!

Welcome to you Cathtoria--jump in whenever you are ready--I'm sure that you'll find a lot that you can relate to!

I can relate to your CurlyTop--I'm really happy to have found some like minded online ladies to talk to that don't think I'm crazy! I was a little worried that I would scare people away with my HUGE posts but once I get started on this topic, I find it hard to stop as I want to address everyone and also say what is going on for me--and that takes a long time!!

I haven't had a chance to check out your link yet as I saw your third post and didn't want you to feel badly so I wanted to answer before checking that out but it sounds interesting. What you said about migraines is SO interesting though--I unfortuntely get migraines quite a bit so I'll definitely be interested in hearing more about that... I most often get them when I'm not taking good enough care of myself (water, good food, rest, lowering my stress levels)...

I didn't know FlyLady had a book called Body Clutter--I might have to check that out too--it definitely is emotional reasons that I eat but I often don't know what - I wonder if that book can really help one figure that out?!

Anyway now on to myself... today my dh had an interview to work for a DREAM company and we've been stressing a LOT about that as he's been laid off since the end of August, accepted a job a few weeks ago that paid WAY less than we really need, has no benefits and is only a 1 year term--but he took it as he feels dreadful having to be on EI and he misses working etc..

Anyway, so he had this interview today and it went REALLY well however they have one more candidate that they are interviewing tomorrow so we'll have to wait until Friday (hopefully no longer!) to hear if he got it... But of course the thing the two of us have been stressed out about the most is what the heck to tell the place where he first accepted a job! (It doesn't start until the end of January) We feel so bad that he *might* have to tell them that he found a MUCH better job (more money, great benefits--good for me as I can go back to counselling!, great holidays and personal days, and on it goes) - so we know that pretty much anyone else in their right mind would take the new job but we are still struggling with the whole letting the first company down thing...

Anyway, so hopefully that stress will be over soon and I HOPE that he gets the job as he is beyond excited about it and I so want him to work at a great place again!

The other big thing for me (not sure if I mentioned it before) is that we are building a house right now--we were lucky enough to have neighbours that bought a lot and then convinced us to buy one next to them and they would build ours too--however things have taken WAY longer than expected and WAY too many things have delayed it etc. and it's just a VERY stressful process but hopefully that will be done by March at the latest (It WAS supposed to be done by AUGUST!!) so I just can't wait for these things to be over so I can get back to a lower stress level!!

Those are the two biggest things and then of course JamTots and our wholesale side of our business TOT Wearhouse--both are super busy which is good but also adds to my stress level--especially because we often feel stretched way too thin as there is so much to be done and just not enough time and almost all of the money we make keeps getting put into the business and we can't afford to get all of the help that we need... I LOVE our business but can't wait for the day when it will be less stressful!

And last (but NOT least!!) my kiddos--I have 3--6, 4 and 2 in February--and they are a LOT of work (that I mostly love doing though of course!) but it's very exhausting and while I love their ages, I keep thinking that it's only got to get easier as they get older... please tell me that's true!!

I had them really helping with some chores today and that was great--they were so enthusiastic--I bought a book about housekeeping with kids and have been implementing some of the ideas and I think that it will really help with how our house runs even though it's a lot more work at first...

Oh and I bought a refurbished Vitamix and that has been reducing my guilt level as far as getting more healthy foods into my kids--I've been sneaking cabbage, spinach, carrots, soy protein, fibre etc. into my kids smoothies, macaroni and cheese, fruit sorbets etc. so it's making me feel better (as I'm doing that for myself too!) but also making me feel like they will be healthier for it as well so that's awesome!

I think that's all for now--I'll try to write more often, but maybe not huge book length posts, but I'm sure you'll all forgive me if that's what I end up doing anyway!!

I'm just so happy to have all of you here--thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so open with me and each other and doing this journey with me!

I bought Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements" cards the other day (LOVE THEM!) and wanted to quote one here--SO many hit home with me as far as things I have been learning in my journey...

"Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me."

What an interesting way to look at that don't you think?? I used to always take everything personally--and now my first reaction is to do that, but after some thought, I can often see past it and see that what people do is more often about them, not about me...

So I plan to not take it personally (and try to help my dh not take it personally) if he doesn't get the job--and if he does, to not take it personally when the people at the job he already accepted, are disappointed or upset if he has to tell them that he got a MUCH better offer... again--they aren't going to be concerned about him--but about what work they have to do to find someone else--but perhaps if they paid a decent wage or offered benefits, then they would have an easier time finding a good person...

Okay--really want to get some more work done while I can here so I'll check in with you ladies later!

Hugs,
Holly
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#29 of 1694 Old 01-04-2007, 12:07 AM
 
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Whew! I seem to even take it personally when my post just sits there at the bottom of a page. "It's me, isn't it?" That quote regarding selfishness at the heart of self-importance... when I was in freshman communications class in college (Persuasion) I got so anxious about my first class speech, I was just sick to my stomach and really wanted my professor to let me do it later. He finally said something like the quote posted, and wouldn't you know it - I took it personally! LOL! I thought, wow, I am a self-centered jerk for being so nervous. I never saw the humor in this until right now.

Holly, one journaling idea you might really like (I learned it at the Hoffman process, but it probably wasn't invented there!) is called "Visioning." In your case, you'd take a blank sheet of paper in your notebook, and start writing out your most perfect ideal in all the major areas. Be sure to write in the first person present tense. Describe in vivid detail your home, relationship with your DH, with your DKs, your work life, financial situation, and health. Add or skip areas as they are important to you. Be absolutely ideal - if you begin to think of how you should be satisfied with what you have, or, you don't really deserve such absolute loveliness, just acknowledge the thought and let it go. Your instructions are to detail your perfect ideal situation, so just do it knowing you really do deserve it all. THEN when you've got the rosy picture deeply resonating within you, very objectively consider where things are in reality in those areas. Without making them worse than they are, or better than they are, just reflect on the real situation. Imagine you are holding your dream reality in your right hand and your current reality in your left hand. Feel the tension the difference is creating between your two hands. That tension is the creative force that is actively working to bring your dream to life. Next, put your ideal situation at the front of your mind and say, "And so it is."

I highly recommend trying this. I'm thankful for you reminding ME to try this again. The first time I did this, I was just craving community. I envisioned myself living in a big house with loving friends all around me. It wasn't long that I met a few moms at my townhouse pool - and then I started adding moms as I ran across them and today we have a 25 member Yahoo group of families living in my complex. We have a babysitting co-op, and the HOA even pays for four parties each year that we organize to keep the community alive. Funny, I didn't move into a big house, but my 250 unit townhouse complex feels kind of like a big house with friends all around in it!

3happygirls, your descriptions of how perfect things have to be to journal made me laugh out loud. Not AT you, believe me! I have some kind of obsession with perfect settings too. I even think, "I'll be able to have fun once I get the house cleaned up, the laundry washed, folded, put away, the closets decluttered, the rooms with old baseboards updated with new ones, the menus made up for next week, birthday cards sent on time, and... well, I always have something else holding me back from being "allowed" to enjoy life. What a huge huge drag. I'm right here with you trying to figure that all out.

I seem to be an all-or-nothing black/white thinker too. So I believe I can EITHER live in a pig sty, OR constantly pick up and clean things all day long, never having any fun. Sometimes I try to make the cleaning up FUN, and yes, it can be, but it isn't fun on it's own merits. I am decoupling the false dilemma. And also reminding myself that meanings I make aren't True in the black/white sense. I mean, having a clean house doesn't equal me being a fine upstanding person. They're just not related!

I do want to add some of my backstory here, since I tend to isolate myself (they'll hate me if they know me). I'm "outgoing" and easy to talk to, but find it harder to share myself. I'm not sure if I should say, Thanks in advance, or just eat a tub of something to stop worrying that I'll somehow kill this thread just by being here! Yikes.

My only perceived advantage, specialness I guess, growing up with my mom was that I was thin. Unfortunately, I had acne and frizzy hair, but at least I was thin! I know she compared (and still does) me and my sister to herself. I was SO slim no one ever believed I'd gain a pound. It was practically my identity. I still don't like to visit her (2500 miles away) because I know she'll see me as my weight. Oh, btw, we all smoked cigarettes and barely ate growing up.

I spent half my growing up years with my dad. My step-mom and step-sister hated me for not having their body shape. They are small busted, tiny wasted, and have large hips. My step-sister used to take me shopping and have me try on everything so she could see how it would look on a mannequin. She called me "emaciated." My step-mom responded to my low self esteem issues with disgusted disbelief: "You sure don't LOOK like you have any lack of confidence in how you look. Look at that walk!" I don't have the nerves right now to go into it more, I'm hearing my self-talk harping on about how I must sound, it wasn't THAT bad, I'm just being self-centered again. Gosh, this sucks, sorry - I don't want to delete it tho since this is my journalling for today.


So anyway, I have lots of conflicting, twisted "meanings" I've made about how I look. If I look "too good" I must be full of myself. If I look "too bad" I feel ashamed. Ugh! I feel that nauseated migraine-y feeling coming on.

And now, it's dinner time! LOL!

And on this note, bon appetit! Please remember I'm not a jerk or a freak, just a person who's writing what goes through my mind. :
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#30 of 1694 Old 01-04-2007, 01:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello again ladies!

Well I just got back from a NIA class and it was absolutely fabulous--I was feeling great until my hubby told me that he didn't get the job. Then of course all these negative emotions came up and my body got all tense (and still is mostly) as I felt SO angry as the 8 or so people that interviewed him acted like he had the job already and had him analize their website etc. (which now I'm thinking that they are going to steal his ideas!) and I got all excited thinking that I could go to counselling again (never mind the dentist for all of us and get some new contacts...)

However my hubby was SO indifferent about it which was strange as he was so excited about the job--but he realized how horrible both of us felt about *possibly* having to tell the other job that he got another job and so I'm thinking that perhaps that came across... or even if not, it is the universe telling us that the other job with less hours (albeit less pay, holidays and no benefits) is what he needs right now... His last job was horribly stressful where he was overworked and never got time off or paid for all the extra work and he did courses and paid from his pocket, only for them to never repay him etc. but this job sounds far from that and probably what he needs right now...

I'm just trying to wrap my head around it though--there is definite disappointment and resentment towards the interviewee's (is that a word?) but I want to believe that this is for the best....

I can relate to your speech stuff Curlytop although no one every said anything about me being self-important--and if they did, I definitely would have taken it personally for sure!! That's so great that you can see the humour in it now--better late than never!! I can see what that quote means now though but likely wouldn't have been able to a few years ago -- which is kind of cool in itself!

Thanks for giving me an exercise to do--I'll try to do it tonight or in the next day or so when I can concentrate on it--it sounds neat so thank you for sharing that... I looked at the Hoffman process website and it looks quite interesting and it's so great to hear that it helped you a lot! I'm sure there are lots of different ways to get to the same endpoint and that looks to be like a good one... I believe I saw a book on there (I looked earlier today so I can't recall for sure at the moment)--is it any good do you know?

And oh my goodness I for one certainly do not think that you are a jerk or a freak! I was never naturally skinny (well after grade 6 that is!) but can certainly understand that people would be jealous and hateful about it for sure-I know that I have been guilty of jealousy towards naturally thin people (including my dh!) and that would bring a whole different set of issues...

I didn't have a huge story growing up by any stretch and wasn't anorexic or bulemic so I guess that's why it took me so long to ask for help (and to admit that I could use help--that was HUGE as I was taught to act strong all the time!) However things like multi-tasking to where you are completely overwhelmed, being a perfectionist, constantly dieting or binging and worrying about my weight, having all or nothing thinking, taking things personally, making assumptions, being the 'sensitive' one, being a pessimist, looking for the negative aspects in others rather than the positive and I'm sure many more 'traits' that I have picked up over the years--well it was enough to cause a lot of grief in my life and caused me to need to make changes in order to be happy. I am a very different person than I was just a few years ago and I believe that the changes have all been good however some people in my life may beg to differ as they want me to stay the same--to be more like them rather than make any changes that go against the 'norm' of what they expect from me.

I've also just recently realized that I get so frustrated (especially with my husband) when people do things half-assed--I have recently recognized that I picked up that behaviour from my mom - she keeps trying to get a housecleaner but they "never do a good enough job" and she is just discusted as to what they consider clean! It's actually amusing listening to her--I can relate on one hand as you think that you should have a well cleaned house when you are paying for it--but she is expecting more than that--she is expecting it to be immaculate and for them to clean in places that you just don't need to clean (except like once a year for a DEEP spring cleaning or something!) She was practically doing a white glove test in the cracks and crevices of her home and was guffawing because the cleaning ladies that she has had would not clean there in the 2 or 3 hours that she had paid them to clean! Anyway -- I'm trying to let up in that department as well--my dh doesn't always do things the way that I would do them but I have to let go and see that there are different ways to do things and know that if I keep complaining about every little thing he doesn't do the way I would do (which I used to say was the 'right' way) then I would have to do EVERYTHING myself. And who is to say that my way is the 'right' way anyway--how self-righteous is that?

Okay thanks for listening--I just read the top of my post and realized that this has gotten my mind off of the job disappointment so if nothing else, this has served that purpose!!

Have a great night ladies and I hope that some of you will write again soon or are at least picking up ideas when you are not busy writing!
Holly
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