I am so excited to meet someone who is where I am spiritually!
I have had some issues struggling to come to terms with everything... but for the most part I feel this huge weight lifted off of me. For so long I have thought something was wrong with me, because I could fill my head endlessly with scriptures and quotes but nothing could make the God of the bible real to me. We were/are a part of a very dogmatic religion, some would say cult. It is really strange to see life outside of the confines if such a religion. Suddenly there is so much to process. I've looked to it with extreme optimism about the future. My husband is having a harder time adjusting. He has come to feel that it is not for him, but he is far more scared, angry, and upset about it. He reminds me of an injured dog. snap, lick, growl. lol.
I think at first my gut wanted to challenge everything, and I had something to prove. I had this crazed idea that I would explain my beliefs and all my friends and family would say "oh, I never thought of that- you are right" :LOL but I have come to see that sometimes faith is so deep, that a person won't question until they want to, if they ever want to. It isn't something I can motivate in others. So I realized one day that trying to "help" or "educate" others is reverting back to my old religious beliefs- convert and change others. I don't want to be that way, so I don't much talk about this stuff with those around me. I may want to challenge someone when they say "you need to XYZ" or "I'll pray that you will be strengthened in the truth" but mostly I try to let it go and focus on moving forward. What do I want? What makes me happy? What is life about? What do I teach my children about spiritual matters? The questions don't seem to stop.
DH and I are finding so much peace in our lives since letting go of organized religion. We are, for once, exploring what we want and who we are... instead of being a product of the church's mass production. I think that is what I am going to teach my kids- that spirituality is to deep to be explained by others. It comes from deep within our souls. In order for them to understand it they will have to look inside, rather than outside.
Did Jesus exist? I still dont' know... I want all the answers though. I still have moments and times of doubt. Will I die in God's wrath for following my heart and being happy though I am not doign evil? What if I am wrong? I don't think so logically, but religion is hard to shake.
More and more I lean to thinking that he didn't exist. There were scribes in that day, in his area- and they have writings by such scribes. If Jesus was attracting crowds and creating miracles I just struggle to believe it wouldn't have been jotted down by the scribes.
Was teh Jesus mysteries anygood? I just got one called "The Unauthorized Version- Truth and Fiction in the Bible" haven't read it yet though.
The one thing I keep coming abck to over and over to reaffirm my doubt in the bible as God's word is how highly cultural religion is. And how the bible- what is supposed to be the unified word of God, is so differently interpretted and understood. I just think an all knowing God would have given us a little clearer... umm... well, guidelines.
You know, I think we might need to start a skeptics thread in finding your tribe! I might just go do that! It is so nice to talk to someone who might be close in the process of spirituality. I'd love to hear more about how this is affecting you and changing your life.