The new Disfellowshipped JW Thread - coping with disfellowshipping - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 38 Old 01-24-2009, 06:51 PM
 
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JWs can go to college/university if they choose to. I know lots that have. It's almost impossible to get a good job if you don't, and I think they are balanced in that regard and usually get a diploma or degree so they can support their family.
this must be a recent change, i was greatly discouraged to go to college and was told that "god would provide" and that it was a waste of my time to go to college since the end of times would come soon. that my time was better spent going door to door to inform others of god's word.

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#32 of 38 Old 01-24-2009, 10:52 PM
 
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this must be a recent change, i was greatly discouraged to go to college and was told that "god would provide" and that it was a waste of my time to go to college since the end of times would come soon. that my time was better spent going door to door to inform others of god's word.
From what I understand, there was a change for a while there--people were being allowed to go to college because of the issues the past poster mentioned. (Job availability, etc.) Here in the last...what? year or two? there has been a reversal of that decision and college is strictly frowned upon.

I believe Jennica could clarify this a little, since she left the organization more recently than I did and would be more up on the timing and rules of that.

And now let's talk about me and my df-ing issues: I heard from my mom a few weeks ago (most of you know we have super-problematic dealings with each other resulting from my df-ing). She wanted to get together for coffee. I pondered her e-mail and responded with some details she's never had from me before--how scared I was as a child of Armageddon, how I felt like I couldn't make her happy unless I was a JW, etc. I told her about my counseling and how hard I'm working to undo some of the damage from my childhood, and then I said that I didn't think we could just get together unless I worked out a whole lot of stuff, but that I'd let her know if and when that happened.

So tonight I got an e-mail back from her with a few apologies, but they were totally qualified. As in, "I wish I had known you were so scared of the pictures in My Book of Bible Stories, but you never seemed to talk to me anyway because you were so close to your dad." That kind of thing--like there were all these other things that came into play long before she had to be accountable for anything. And then at the end she basically told me that I need to get over my childhood. Well, I'm trying. Part of that means I can't have her in my life right now, and I'm seeing that she's never going to *get it*--it'll always be justifications and qualifications.

Sigh...maybe I should have known better. Maybe I shouldn't even have responded to her at all.
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#33 of 38 Old 01-25-2009, 02:55 AM
 
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JWs can go to college/university if they choose to. I know lots that have. It's almost impossible to get a good job if you don't, and I think they are balanced in that regard and usually get a diploma or degree so they can support their family.
Well, here is how it went down: In the 1990's, after decades of strictly forbidding any college, the JW's said it was okay to go to technical school for a year or two, as long as the goal was to get a specific job that one was being trained for and not just aimlessly pursing higher education. In the 2000's, the JW's started saying that it was only okay to go to technical school while pioneering (committing to preaching 70 hours a month) with the view that one could use their schooling to get a specific part-time job that would support them in their pioneer work. At no time has college or university in general been okay, only a technical or vocational school that trains a person in one to two years for a specific job. A four year or more degree was very much frowned upon and discouraged, and nobody did that. Lately, I've heard that they are getting more and more strict on this point and that any college is once again discouraged. I don't have confirmation on that yet though, but as far as I know things were headed that way, so it wouldn't be too surprising if they said any college was a no no again.
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#34 of 38 Old 01-25-2009, 02:58 AM
 
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And now let's talk about me and my df-ing issues: I heard from my mom a few weeks ago (most of you know we have super-problematic dealings with each other resulting from my df-ing). She wanted to get together for coffee. I pondered her e-mail and responded with some details she's never had from me before--how scared I was as a child of Armageddon, how I felt like I couldn't make her happy unless I was a JW, etc. I told her about my counseling and how hard I'm working to undo some of the damage from my childhood, and then I said that I didn't think we could just get together unless I worked out a whole lot of stuff, but that I'd let her know if and when that happened.

So tonight I got an e-mail back from her with a few apologies, but they were totally qualified. As in, "I wish I had known you were so scared of the pictures in My Book of Bible Stories, but you never seemed to talk to me anyway because you were so close to your dad." That kind of thing--like there were all these other things that came into play long before she had to be accountable for anything. And then at the end she basically told me that I need to get over my childhood. Well, I'm trying. Part of that means I can't have her in my life right now, and I'm seeing that she's never going to *get it*--it'll always be justifications and qualifications.

Sigh...maybe I should have known better. Maybe I shouldn't even have responded to her at all.
How did it make you feel to tell her those things? It doesn't really matter how she responds, because you know that the response is not coming from her, it matters that she heard what you have to say.
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#35 of 38 Old 01-25-2009, 02:58 PM
 
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How did it make you feel to tell her those things? It doesn't really matter how she responds, because you know that the response is not coming from her, it matters that she heard what you have to say.
Well, it felt like a good idea to tell her about the damage. In the past, I had always been probably far more respectful than I needed to--I wouldn't say anything at all to her that might cause her to question her faith. I felt/feel like she needs her faith a lot more than she needs her daughter, so I just kept it to myself. But that's not caused her to have any more respect for me and for my experience, so I decided to try spelling it all out. I feel like I was able to show *my* identity by telling her those things--I wasn't subsuming it in her interests. So that was good.

You're right. My words and feelings can leave me for my own good, but what she does with them is out of my control. I need to try to apply that to her words and see if there's any healing or truth to them, but really just let them be words she felt she needed to speak. They do not get instant sway over me just for having been said by my mother.

Thanks, Jennifer.
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#36 of 38 Old 01-26-2009, 03:15 AM
 
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You're right. My words and feelings can leave me for my own good, but what she does with them is out of my control. I need to try to apply that to her words and see if there's any healing or truth to them, but really just let them be words she felt she needed to speak. They do not get instant sway over me just for having been said by my mother.

Thanks, Jennifer.
And remember, she is shunning you. That means that you get to be angry, and call her decisions into question, even if it means that she wont like what you have to say. Even if it means that it will leave her unsettled in her faith. You get to try to have some closure, you get to say what you need to, and then to accept what she says, or to move on without her. These are things you need to say, and things she needs to hear. You can't get too tied up in how she responds though, because she has to respond within a very narrow framework, which leaves her quite limited in what she can say and how she can say it. The important thing is that you said it, and she heard it, and no matter how she tries to justify it to herself or to you, on some level she heard what your issues where with her and she knows that these are things she needs to address in the future if she wants to have a richer relationship with you.

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#37 of 38 Old 01-27-2009, 08:08 AM
 
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Just want to give you another hug! Your story is so moving - I'm so sad for you and so in awe of how well you are working things out.
You sound so stable and so mature and so healthy. You are a really remarkable woman!


: (no heat in this room at this hour!)

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#38 of 38 Old 01-27-2009, 12:27 PM
 
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Just want to give you another hug! Your story is so moving - I'm so sad for you and so in awe of how well you are working things out.
You sound so stable and so mature and so healthy. You are a really remarkable woman!


: (no heat in this room at this hour!)
Oh! Thank you... I'm glad you say that because sometimes it really doesn't feel that way. This last year I have put an enormous amount of effort into getting into a good place with this situation (mentally & emotionally) and it's like every time I feel like I've got one thread tightened up, another one breaks elsewhere. But I know I'm plugging along and will come out the other side of it a much better, happier person.

Thanks for the support, and I hope you warmed up! Spring is on its way.
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