Thanks so much for all the support.
Im so happy to have found a group of understanding moms! Im all teary eyed.
I am also so sorry
mountain mom for interrupting the NT thread with my breastfeeding woes…
Quote:
I hope I am not poking too far, but do you think breastfeeding is touching upon some unresolved emotional issues from the past?
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It might be. I'm just not sure exactly what issues are being bought up. I have never experienced that "bond" when feeding DD. I tried to, I really did. I tried to think of it as nourishing and peaceful and such, and well I just couldn't see it that way. Each time I would feed her, all I could think of was "please hurry up and get off me".
: I feel so ashamed even saying that.
Let me start by saying that I'm not the healthiest person out there. Ever since I had major surgery and became severely underweight, it has been hard for me to even function normally on a day-to-day basis. About a year and a half ago, after reading NT, I decided to try the high fat diet and it worked wonders. My health improved dramatically! I basically waved bye bye to being and feeling sick. Because I was so ill for over 3 years and it affected every part of my lifestyle, I sufferred from depression. In Dec '03 I got pregnant, continued the NT diet, gained a wonderful amount of weight, felt fantastic and at 40w gave birth to a healthy baby girl.
Breastfeeding was fine for those first couple of weeks, even though we had a latching issue and grazed nipples. We overcame them in one week though (It's all my fault, I have flat nipples).
Then at around 5 weeks, the trouble started - constant fussiness (from an otherwise extremely calm baby), excessive spitting up, very little sleep etc. I considered it might have been something in my diet and I started to eliminate upon the advice of others. After seeing her ped, we came to the conclusion that it was most likely dairy and eggs - the 2 foods that keep me going. He said to either give them up or see her in this pain. I gave up egg whites and continued with the yolk, as the whites are the part that are allergenic. I gave up diary altogether. That was real hard. I only eat beef, eggs, dairy produce, fruits and vegetables (fruits and veggies do nothing for me either - I might as well have subbed them for water). I wasn't eating as much as before, mainly because I had nothing to eat! I don't eat much bread - it wrecks havoc with my blood sugar.
Within a week, the headaches started, and so did the lack of energy and feeling like Im deteriorating. I found myself living off two steaks, salad and a couple of oranges and apples for an entire day. I was constantly hungry, tired, suffering from headaches, dizzy, lightheaded, lost weight fast, moody etc.
She would stay up all night to eat, I was already exhausted from lack of food, It's not like I needed no sleep too! She also became very high needs (still is, to this day). For the first 10 weeks, I stayed at home all day to feed her (in the same room 24 hours a day - I forgot what outside looked like) - she would nurse around the clock - it never seemed like she was getting enough. This of course sped up my weight loss and kept the cycle of feeling crappy, going. Then I started to fall into depression from feeling sick all the time. I knew my milk was really poor, I wasn't getting enough nutrients for the both of us - I wasn't even consuming more than 500 calories a day.
Big guilt trips started to happen and I was pressured from everyone to quit breastfeeding. I wanted to quit and move onto formula, but couldn't bring myself to it. One more day, one more day I kept saying to myself - just for her sake. So I continued.
As the days and weeks passed, my health got worse over time. I would shake at times out of nowhere, suddenly lose my balance and almost fainted on several occassions. I kept trying to re-introduce dairy into my diet but each time I would, her symptoms would start up again.
Dh would come home each day to find me spaced out sitting on the couch. I didn't want to talk, I didn't even want to eat anymore. When he would go to work, in my mind I would say "please don't go. I don't know if I can handle another day with her". I would cry randomly and had mood swings galore. I told him I wanted to run away and actually got up and grabbed my wallet and went off. Logic kicked in 20 minutes later and I came back to see if DD was ok.
Then.. it got to the point where I was so depressed, I didn't even want to know her. I wanted to abandon her, but couldn't do it. Then there was that one time.
She was crying because she was hungry and I was reallly tired and sick. I told her to shut up (Yes, I actually told a 18 week old to shut up). She didn't (duh) and kept crying. The crying escalated and I was so annoyed. I saw red.
I screamed at her and actually shook her to get her to shut up (for about 2-3 seconds). She was shocked beyond belief, had the scariest look on her face and screamed. Then I put her down on the bed and cried. I couldn't believe I did that to the one person I loved most in this world. I picked her up and hugged her and told her how sorry I was. I kept crying all day.
I knew something had to change after that incident. I did end up telling DH what I did. He never said anything bad to me - he knows that will just make things worse than they already are. He just said that I need a break and whatever help I need, he will give me. He also reminded me what a wonderful job I was doing with our daughter and about how much I loved her deep down. I thought he would hit the roof, and I think he wanted to but thought about the consequences first.
I'm a horrible mom. I really am. It makes me sick to even think about what I did.
Anyway.. this week we got the raw milk. We had it come in from another state because there is none available where I live. I gave her a bottle of milk watered down. She didn't take it well at first because she is used to the boob, but ended up taking the bottle. Then she had the bottle for the rest of the day. I hate to say this, but I had never felt so relieved in my life. Honestly, I actually smiled for the first time when feeding her. Then I realized what she had been missing out on - a mother who looked forward to feeding her child, not one that dreaded it. I'm also a little happier overall and haven't cried in a couple of days. I wake up to her beautiful face and kiss it, instead of waking up and wanting out.
Anyway, she took the milk really well. No spitting up, no gas, nothing of the sort. Im shocked and saddened. If only I had this milk available to me when she was a few weeks old. Maybe we could of avoided all of this crap. It turns out it was pasturized dairy that was causing all of this commotion. This makes me sooo angry!!!!
DH and I talked about things. We decided it might be in my best interest to stop breastfeeding altogether, but it is not in the best interest of our daughter. She needs the comfort (from time to time) and mom's own antibodies and hormones etc. So we decided I would do half and half. We also decided that I will take a break for 6 weeks and do detox/cleanse and then start with a nourishing diet, to get my health back in order. I can now go back to dairy, so long as its raw - such a relief. In the mean time, I am going to pump and dump every 6 hours (dumping because Im doing detox, don't want all the nasty stuff to go in DD's body). I can handle pumping every 6 hours (I have an Ok supply, can get around 8oz in 25 minutes), but can't handle feeding her every hour. Besides, she seems to be satisfied for much longer on raw milk - maybe because its much higher in fat, it keeps her tummy happy for longer. I must make skim breastmilk or something.
If she doesn't take the boob after 6 weeks or so, I'll continue with the pumping and do half homemade formula, half breastmilk. Besides homemade formula is pretty good in my opinion, especially if the milk is of high quality (in our case, raw 100% pasture fed jersey) with healthy organic supplements (coconut oil, unflavored cod liver oil etc). I think she will do really well on a mix. DH has no issues with homemade, but hates commercial.
As for local support. I don't really have much. But it's Ok, I think the worst part is over. We won't be going back into that dark spot ever again.
So now, we are working on getting a regular supply of this milk (for me and her), along with TT coconut oil etc. I think this is the best way for us. I am so sad to see my breastfeeding dreams go down the drain, but I also need to do whats the best for my family overall. Getting depressed to the point of shaking your baby is not best. I feel like such a sh*thead. I am a sh*thead actually.
Anyway I've taken up enough space in this thread. Thanks so much for listening and for all the advice and hugs. I really don't deserve them, but are thankful to have them.