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#1 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry, but I have to talk to *someone* and I figured y'all might would be understanding of my frustrations.

I've been having difficulties off and on with DS and nursing. One thing or another, but finally after awhile, it appears we may be doing well. This past weekend, we moved in with family in a different state. DS, being the 3 week old that he is, still wakes up in the night to nurse. Last night, DS started crying, probably around 4 or 5 in the morning. Literally about 2 minutes after he first started crying, my mom came to the door and said "We should probably get some more bottles, and some soy formula, to make feeding him easier." DH had already run to the fridge to get DS his bottle of EBM, and was behind her with it before she was done saying that. I'm *so* frustrated right now. Ever since we got here, all anyone wants to talk about is formula! DS was/is a big boy (10 lbs 7 oz when he was born) so he's been eating a lot. I don't mind. But everyone is "worried he's not eating enough" or worried about this or that, and always the solution is "we should go get him some formula. You know they make a soy formula, since DD is sensitive to milk." I'm having a hard enough time as it is with nursing (although, like I said, it is going fairly well, it's still difficult sometimes.), I don't need people throwing formula out there every 5 minutes. I'm *NOT* going to give DS formula unless he needs it. I just keep saying things like "if he needs it, we will, but right now, we'll be alright." and things like that. I understand it's not pleasant being waken (woken? I dunno...) up by a screaming babe, but they knew we had him before they invited us to come up here. It's not like I surprised them with him when we got here.

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#2 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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That's ridiculous. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time trying to do what's best for your babe.

I'd tell your MIL that you're in charge of feeding your DS, not her and if you need any help, you'll ask.

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#3 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:31 PM
 
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I'd just practice saying, "Thanks, but we've got it" over and over and over until they give up arguing. Any justifying, debating, explaining, etc. on your part will only make them think that your parenting decisions are up for discussion. So to send the message that they're not, just choose a bland phrase like the above and repeat it over and over to send the message that this is your business, not theirs, and you don't require their input.

It must be so frustrating.

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#4 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:40 PM
 
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I would drop the "if he needs it..." and go straight to "I am NOT giving him formula."
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#5 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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Have you made it clear that this is not up for debate? Sometimes you have to be really blunt (but polite) so people will understand. Something like "If we need formula, I'll ask for it. Please don't bring it up again."

It sounds like you're doing great! Have you tried practicing nursing while lying down yet? For me, it was the only thing that made those middle-of-the-night feedings bearable! It was definitely easier to practice it during the day when I was at least somewhat more alert.

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#6 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by beka1977 View Post
I would drop the "if he needs it..." and go straight to "I am NOT giving him formula."
:
Agreed.

limabean makes a good point that you might not want to explain. BUT you might also want to consider letting them know that any pro-formula speak is also anti-BFing speak. The fact of the matter is that every drop of formula he gets, particularly now, is detrimental to your BFing relationship. It is NOT an issue of "Oh, he's still getting some BM, we'll just give some formula too to make things easier." NO!

Formula feeding damages BFing! (Since it will hurt your supply & at this young age could lead to nipple confusion & him refusing the breast - which, I'm sure you know.) BUT... they might not know this. So maybe it's worth articulating it outright. While, IMX, most mainstream people don't value BFing as extremely important, they also know it's much healthier and would never be blatently anti-BF. So perhaps changing their understanding might help.

Also, do you think your Mom might legitimately want to help? It could be that she really thinks this BFing business is a big burden to you & she wants to help. Again, in that case it might help to make sure she understands that her suggestions of formula are not only not helpful, but hurtful to BFing, which you value as crucial & not a burden.

In any case, hugs!
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#7 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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I think men often like to "solve" things, and since your DH can't BF, he's just trying to come up with a solution. We FF our first child, and it took a lot to educate DH about the second one, that constant nursing is pretty much the norm for awhile but that it won't last forever, for example.

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#8 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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Poor you! I'm sorry you're going through that.
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#9 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 06:08 PM
 
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You might tell them thanks, but you're going with the advice of the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics instead, both of which recommend EXCLUSIVE breast feeding through 6 months.

Perhaps you could give them something to read with all the benefits of breast feeding. Then hand them something that explains how giving formula will negatively affect your milk supply. Maybe there's something at Kellymom.com or DrJackNewman.com on these topics?

And as another OP said, let them know how important it is to you to breastfeed, and that you will almost certainly not be giving baby ANY formula!
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#10 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 10:11 PM
 
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Feeding babies bottles of breastmilk is not recommended. Exclusive breastfeeding (no bottles) is recommended for the first 6 months. Some "experts" say bottles are OK after the first 6 weeks when breastfeeding is well established. However, bottles at any age can cause problems with breastfeeding that lead to weaning.

Soy formula is not a good choice. Soy beans are not very smart and the important developmental task the first year is brain growth. Cows aren't very smart either and formula companies have been adding chemicals that they say promote brain growth because they are in breast milk. However, there are problems with the chemicals and formula without them added may be a better choice.

According to the World Health Organization and Unicef breastfeeding is the gold standard of infant feeding followed by feeding the mother's expressed milk, the baby nursing from another mother, and formula feeding is last. Soy is not as good as cow so soy feeding would be the 6th best for your baby. You want the best, let your family know about how bad formula is. Look for information about soy formula.

To get all of the benefits of breastfeeding the baby needs to meet all of his sucking needs at the breast. If the baby doesn't have bottles or pacifiers you may not have a period for months. This is good for your body and may lower your risk of future breast cancer. Avoiding bottles and pacifiers help with mouth and face development and may keep your child from having to have braces. There are many advantages of breastfeeding and hazards of formula.

If women you are staying with didn't breastfeed they may feel bad about what they did to their children. They may need some time to adjust and come around to seeing how good breastfeeding is and how wonderful you are for giving your child the best.

My daughter-in-law is breastfeeding my grandson. We were afraid she would have problems for a variety of reasons. My grandson is almost 4 months and he hasn't had any bottles or pacifiers. I am so proud of her.

: Grandmother , 3 Adult Sons

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#11 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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[QUOTE=foreverinbluejeans;13137943]Feeding babies bottles of breastmilk is not recommended. Exclusive breastfeeding (no bottles) is recommended for the first 6 months. Some "experts" say bottles are OK after the first 6 weeks when breastfeeding is well established. However, bottles at any age can cause problems with breastfeeding that lead to weaning.

Soy formula is not a good choice. Soy beans are not very smart and the important developmental task the first year is brain growth. Cows aren't very smart either and formula companies have been adding chemicals that they say promote brain growth because they are in breast milk. However, there are problems with the chemicals and formula without them added may be a better choice.

According to the World Health Organization and Unicef breastfeeding is the gold standard of infant feeding followed by feeding the mother's expressed milk, the baby nursing from another mother, and formula feeding is last. Soy is not as good as cow so soy feeding would be the 6th best for your baby. You want the best, let your family know about how bad formula is. Look for information about soy formula.

To get all of the benefits of breastfeeding the baby needs to meet all of his sucking needs at the breast. If the baby doesn't have bottles or pacifiers you may not have a period for months. This is good for your body and may lower your risk of future breast cancer. Avoiding bottles and pacifiers help with mouth and face development and may keep your child from having to have braces. There are many advantages of breastfeeding and hazards of formula.

If women you are staying with didn't breastfeed they may feel bad about what they did to their children. They may need some time to adjust and come around to seeing how good breastfeeding is and how wonderful you are for giving your child the best.

My daughter-in-law is breastfeeding my grandson. We were afraid she would have problems for a variety of reasons. My grandson is almost 4 months and he hasn't had any bottles or pacifiers. I am so proud of her.[/QUOte

It is great that your daughter can do that, but not all women are able. Some women have to go back to work and have to give bottles of breastmilk. I feel like your tone was a little harsh.
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#12 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 11:32 PM
 
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He may not cry every time, but your DS is going to wake in the night to nurse for many months to come. If you are going to continue living where you are, you need to make it clear to everyone that you are not open to night time parenting advice. My mom tried to give me advice (well, really lashed out at me) in the middle of the night while staying at my grandmother's house, and I just truly felt that she had no sense of boundaries when she did this. 3am is just really a sensitive time, everyone is tired and frustrated, and there really is no one in the world that can step in and help a breastfeeding Momma at that time. Having everyone else in the house up, anxious, and making 'suggestions' is just not conducive to establishing a night time rhythm, kwim? Any suggestions about nighttime issues need to be made during the day, besides that you are not going to put your baby on soy formula that needs to be made clear as well.
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#13 of 24 Old 02-05-2009, 11:56 PM
 
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nak Also you could point out that something like 60% of dairy intolerant babies are also intolerant of soy - so if you have a hx of dairy intolerance, you have a decent chance of soy intolerance too.

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#14 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 12:12 AM
 
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[QUOTE=lizw;13138042]
Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post
Feeding babies bottles of breastmilk is not recommended. Exclusive breastfeeding (no bottles) is recommended for the first 6 months. Some "experts" say bottles are OK after the first 6 weeks when breastfeeding is well established. However, bottles at any age can cause problems with breastfeeding that lead to weaning.

Soy formula is not a good choice. Soy beans are not very smart and the important developmental task the first year is brain growth. Cows aren't very smart either and formula companies have been adding chemicals that they say promote brain growth because they are in breast milk. However, there are problems with the chemicals and formula without them added may be a better choice.

According to the World Health Organization and Unicef breastfeeding is the gold standard of infant feeding followed by feeding the mother's expressed milk, the baby nursing from another mother, and formula feeding is last. Soy is not as good as cow so soy feeding would be the 6th best for your baby. You want the best, let your family know about how bad formula is. Look for information about soy formula.

To get all of the benefits of breastfeeding the baby needs to meet all of his sucking needs at the breast. If the baby doesn't have bottles or pacifiers you may not have a period for months. This is good for your body and may lower your risk of future breast cancer. Avoiding bottles and pacifiers help with mouth and face development and may keep your child from having to have braces. There are many advantages of breastfeeding and hazards of formula.

If women you are staying with didn't breastfeed they may feel bad about what they did to their children. They may need some time to adjust and come around to seeing how good breastfeeding is and how wonderful you are for giving your child the best.

My daughter-in-law is breastfeeding my grandson. We were afraid she would have problems for a variety of reasons. My grandson is almost 4 months and he hasn't had any bottles or pacifiers. I am so proud of her.[/QUOte

It is great that your daughter can do that, but not all women are able. Some women have to go back to work and have to give bottles of breastmilk. I feel like your tone was a little harsh.
I agree with the harshness of your tone as someone who had serious problems with breastfeeding. I've been exclusively pumping for 10 months and also had to go back to work when my daughter was quite young.
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#15 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 12:17 PM
 
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Seems like most Bfing moms go through this with family. So many people were already asking me when I was going to wean when she was only a few weeks old.

I think that not waking till 3am is actually very good for a baby that age! Have you ever read anything on the natural sleep patterns of newborns? Some people say that you should get your baby to sleep through the night. But Studies have shown that baby sleep patterns are naturally different from adults. It's just part of living with a baby!!

My baby girl woke up every 2 hours to nurse every night for several months. My baby is almost a year old and she has finally graduated to only nursing twice at night.

You might want to explain you your MIL that breastmilk is absorbed because it is a LIVING FOOD not processed IBS in a can.

But you might want to go the route that another poster suggested, just tell her it is not up for discussion. If you start debating with her, she will think that anything and everything in your life is up for debate. BE FIRM, but respectful. Good luck.

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#16 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 12:24 PM
 
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is there a reason you are giving him bottles at night instead of nursing him? sorry i didnt look at your past posts so you may have covered that but its sooo much easier to nurse. also, how are you keeping your supply up at night if you are giving him bottles?

im not trying to be harsh but these are real issues for *most* ppl.

bottles for a baby whose mom is at work or in case of medical issues for a mom are of course a necessity, but its not the ideal manner of feeding a baby. there are benefits lost to mom and baby by using bottles unnecessarily (see above).

again, not trying to be judgmental or harsh...just asking legitimate Q's that should be asked of moms who are bottle feeding young babies. there is nothing i want more in the world than to see babies and mommies thrive in their bf'ing relationship.
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#17 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 12:50 PM
 
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Is cosleeping an option for you? I wake instantly when my baby starts to stir and put him on the breast and we both go straight back to sleep and no one else wakes up. Plus no bottles to fetch or wash!
But I am also a big fan of getting on tap...

Iowaorganic- mama to DD (1/5/06), DS1 (4/9/07), DS2 (1/22/09), DS3 (12/10/10), DD2 (7/6/12) and a new kid due in early 2014

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#18 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 02:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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is there a reason you are giving him bottles at night instead of nursing him? sorry i didnt look at your past posts so you may have covered that but its sooo much easier to nurse. also, how are you keeping your supply up at night if you are giving him bottles?
The first question, why did I give him a bottle instead of nursing him? I only did it that one time, when I heard my mom getting up right when DS started crying, because it seemed she (my mom) was already pretty upset by DS waking her up. I gave it to him so he would stop crying sooner (I nursed him after he calmed down, though.) Usually, she let/lets me have a chance to latch him on, and only comes out if he's been screaming/crying for maybe 5 or 10 minutes. It's not a regular occurance, just that one time.

The second question probably is answered in the first, but I usually nurse him at night. If I nurse him at night, should I still worry about keeping my supply up?

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Is cosleeping an option for you?.
Normally, we do cosleep. It's just while we are here, DH, DD, DS, and I are in a tiny room, and DD and I are sleeping on camping cots. When DS falls asleep, we put him in the pack and play, but usually ends up sleeping with me on the cot. (I don't want to start him there on the cot though, because I'm worried he'll fall off if he's there by himself, and when I go to bed, I don't want to risk him waking up for me to move him when I come to bed. Once we get our own place, we'll be cosleeping again.)

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#19 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 03:59 PM
 
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Ok, sorry this is a little long, but I have been here, done that and I really feel your pain!

My DH's parents came to visit (aka live with) us when DD was 6 weeks old. They stayed for a month. MIL bottle/formula fed both babies, and was always making comments. "You poor thing, she's going to kill you eating all the time" "she's fussy because she isn't getting enough to eat" "how about some cereal in a bottle, that's what we did for DH and he slept 12 hours every night" etc, etc

I found that trying to explain what we were doing didn't really help. I mean, it would quiet down the peanut gallery for a little bit, but they'd just start up again later in the day. So, my advice is just grow a thick shell, and get used to saying "no thanks, we don't need that" or "hmm, hard to tell what to do" or something blase. Better yet, get DH to sit down with the family when you aren't there, and set out the ground rules of what type of help is appreciated, and when. 3am in the morning when you are exhausted and you're stressed that the rest of the family is being woken up is NOT the time to try to educate. But hey - more power to you if you can!

So, hugs to you, attending to a wailing baby and living with family is not easy. Remind yourself that you don't owe it to them to have a peaceful night sleep- they knew what they were getting into, and stressing about quieting a baby is just going to make you take longer to quiet DS, and suppress mommy instincts. It sounds like you are doing an awesome job being a mommy in trying circumstances!

As for the bottle, (you might already know this) make sure you are using the lowest level flow nipple, and that will help minimize nursing problems. DD was a swtich hitter when it came to nursing or bottles, but at 16 months, we still use "level 1" nipples.

Best of luck, and just envision yourself in your own new house!

Loving being a stay at home mamma to DD 10/07, and newly arrived DS 7/26/10
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#20 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 04:47 PM
 
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Honestly, when DD was very tiny and people came to stay with us I always warned them that she would wake in the middle-of-the-night and she would cry. I usually just said, "If our bedroom door is closed, don't bother us. If I come out or open the door, it means we need help." People need to have realistic expectations and know that babies do cry at night (my 19 mo. old still cries at night!). Of course, it was a little easier for me, because I was in my own house, setting the ground rules.

to you! It must be tough being on someone else's turf and trying to just be "The Mom" with everyone adding their 2 cents into the mix. I hope you can work things out with your Mom so she understands what comments/advice are or aren't helpful.

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#21 of 24 Old 02-06-2009, 05:44 PM
 
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To clarify, it's your mom, right? Not DH's mom?

Maybe just explain to her how important BFing is to you and how important support is to successful BFing. Tell her that constant mentions of formula do not make you feel supported, and ask that it not be mentioned any more.

Also maybe you could thank her for being concerned, but that you can handle his nightwakings on your own, that you'll try to keep his crying as short as possible and that she should try to sleep.

I'm sure your mom doesn't realize how her comments are making you feel. Communication is the key!
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#22 of 24 Old 02-07-2009, 11:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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To clarify, it's your mom, right? Not DH's mom?
It's my mom.

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#23 of 24 Old 02-08-2009, 01:53 AM
 
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i don't understand why they think formula will help? he's going to wake up in the night to eat whether it's formula or breastmilk.

wife to wonderful dh_malesling.GIF mama of three-DS1 born December 30, 2005 and DS2 born September 27, 2008 and one lovely little girl born September 7, 2011jumpers.gif

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#24 of 24 Old 02-08-2009, 02:03 AM
 
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I'd just practice saying, "Thanks, but we've got it" over and over and over until they give up arguing.
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