would you attend a family event where you're not 'allowed' to nurse? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 09-04-2010, 07:44 AM
 
LauraN's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Abu Dhabi
Posts: 1,038
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Does your BIL value the relationship as much as your husband does? Because it's his job to stop his wife from being unreasonably rude to his brother's wife. I just asked DH what he would do in this situation (he's also very close to both his brothers) and he said he would tell his brother that we wouldn't be able to attend their functions until the ban on breastfeeding was ended. Really, they're the ones damaging the relationship by disallowing breastfeeding.
Posted via Mobile Device

DS1: 2/02 ROTFLMAO.gif DD: 9/04 blahblah.gif DS2: 9/07jog.gif and EDD: 11/13 belly.gif

LauraN is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-04-2010, 08:27 AM
 
KristyDi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The 'burbs of Atlanta
Posts: 2,681
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd send DH and DD, but wouldn't go myself.

Alternately, since it's a public place, I could see going and when you need to nurse separating yourself from the party a bit, but not hiding in a bathroom. I'm thinking if for example you're in a park you just move over a few picnic tables. You're still NIP, but not "with" them.

After typing that, it sounds so ridiculous! I can't believe how stupid and rude these people are being. What ever happened to putting the comfort of your guests first and why don't the needs of a child trump the hang-ups of a grown person?

Kristy, wife to Josh proud mama to Katie: since 3/08 and Emma since 8/12.

KristyDi is offline  
Old 09-04-2010, 12:03 PM
 
hildare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: in-the-sticks-off-a-dirt-road, GA
Posts: 2,680
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i'd go and nurse where i felt like it. if it's not in someone's home, especially. (i feel like in my home, people are expected to do things the way we like, removing shoes, etc. so i imagine the non-nursing folks feel similarly as in 'our house/our rules' but.. it's not in their home, so they certainly cannot set any standards. plus, they just need to get a grip.)

Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

hildare is offline  
Old 09-04-2010, 01:34 PM
 
2boyzmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Dayton, Oh WPAFB
Posts: 5,911
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pookietooth View Post
That sucks. She has a medical condition. Would they feel the same way about tube feeding her? Ugh. Does she have eosinophilic esophagitis?
I was thinking the same thing!!

My middle son *barely* avoided a feeding tube, and I mean barely. It was such a struggle to safely feed him (he aspirated pretty badly).

Some of my relatives on my mom's side are starting to question him still nursing past age 3. My mom loudly spoke up in his/my defense and said "look, it's either he nurses, or he gets a g-tube, which would you rather see? A contented healthy toddler nursing once in a while, or a tube going into his stomach?" That shut them up pretty quick

If it were at their house, then I could maybe possibly sort of see you agreeing to nurse her somewhere more private, it is their house after all. But since it's a public location, you should feel free to nurse her there. If you wish to avoid confrontation, then do as a PP suggested and show up a bit early to nurse her before the party (perhaps even in the car if you're comfortable with that) and then hope she will be busy at the party and won't ask. If she does, you should feel feel to nurse her at your discretion (i.e. you could choose to seat yourself somewhere less noticeable if you prefer, or you could just feed her wherever)

Curious...what does BIL think of it? I get the vibe that the disapproval is coming from BIL's wife? Maybe ask your husband to talk to his brother and see what the real deal is?

Mommy to BigBoy Ian (3-17-05) ; LittleBoy Connor (3-3-07) (DiGeorge/VCFS):; BabyBoy Gavin (10-3-09) x3 AngelBaby (1-7-06)
2boyzmama is offline  
Old 09-04-2010, 01:52 PM
myk
 
myk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: small town manitoba
Posts: 999
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
nope, i wouldn't. i'm lucky that my family would never make such a ridiculous demand. they're not as pro-bfing as i am (they're more modest and tend to bf for a year or so, not to toddler/preschool) but they certainly don't place limits on where the baby can eat or how. i'd be SUPER offended and tell them exactly why i'm not coming - if i'm not welcome to come unless i can feed my baby normally, i'm not welcome period.

January 2011
myk is offline  
Old 09-04-2010, 04:50 PM
 
aramat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: São Paulo, Brazil--from Atlanta, US
Posts: 1,344
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraN View Post
Does your BIL value the relationship as much as your husband does? Because it's his job to stop his wife from being unreasonably rude to his brother's wife. I just asked DH what he would do in this situation (he's also very close to both his brothers) and he said he would tell his brother that we wouldn't be able to attend their functions until the ban on breastfeeding was ended. Really, they're the ones damaging the relationship by disallowing breastfeeding.
Posted via Mobile Device

Tamara: Aspiring doula, partner to Brazilian musician, mom to THREE GIRLIES!
(4/01, 6/07, & 12/09)
aramat is offline  
Old 09-04-2010, 05:25 PM
 
crunchy_mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 6,460
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would just go & nurse anyway. If they said anything, I'd just say, "Oh I thought you were joking about the BF'ing ban! You wouldn't really deprive a baby of her sole source of nutrition, right?" In other words, act like they're crazy for even suggesting that you're not 'allowed' to feed your DD... because, um, they ARE... If it were at someone's home I might choose a different route but seeing as it's in a public place, they have absolutely no right to dictate your actions.

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
crunchy_mommy is offline  
Old 09-04-2010, 09:51 PM
 
JessicaS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 42,897
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would likely send them a note explaining that her medical condition required that she breastfeed and that if they had a problem with that we wouldn't be seeing them at any functions.

Not all those who wander are lost 
JessicaS is offline  
Old 09-05-2010, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
cdmommie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 667
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, we are going. DH says we will just leave when DD needs to nurse and let them know why. I think I should just nurse her and see what happens. I guess we'll feel it out and play it by ear.

-T, Wife and Best Friend to R 3/2005; Mommie to E 8/2007; and G 3/2009

cdmommie is offline  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:04 PM
 
KSDoulaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 660
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I'd go. I'd pretend like I didn't even know they had a problem with nursing. And breastfeed as necessary, in the way I normally do when in public places, which means not covering up, but also making sure that my shirt is arranged in a way that doesn't flash my whole boob if my babe unlatches. And if someone had a problem with it, oh well. If they said something I might say, "Oh, she's almost done!" or something. Haha. It's her issue not yours! :P

Mama to two, and second-time surrogate. Expecting May 2015.
KSDoulaMama is offline  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:13 PM
 
Amy0417's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 107
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is just me- I wouldn't go. Especially with your DDs eating circumstances. Nursing is a normal thing and something she needs. Actually, before deciding whether to go or not, could you talk to your family and explain the circumstances and how important nursing is? If they don't understand I wouldn't go. I'm sorry Mama. This breaks my heart
Amy0417 is offline  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:14 PM
 
KristyDi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The 'burbs of Atlanta
Posts: 2,681
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdmommie View Post
Well, we are going. DH says we will just leave when DD needs to nurse and let them know why. I think I should just nurse her and see what happens. I guess we'll feel it out and play it by ear.
Good luck. I hope it goes well. I'd love to hear what happens if you feel like sharing.

Kristy, wife to Josh proud mama to Katie: since 3/08 and Emma since 8/12.

KristyDi is offline  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:21 PM
 
SubliminalDarkness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Outside of Augusta, GA
Posts: 1,409
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No one in my family would attend, period. Either we're all welcome, or none of us are.
SubliminalDarkness is offline  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:23 PM
 
Amy0417's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 107
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sure you are already on your way but about the public place- I would do like you say. Just nurse her an see what happens. In fact I think they would be pretty embarrassed to kick you out of a restaurant (or wherever) in front of the whole family. ACTUALLY- in a public place you have rights to bf anywhere (except for a place of worship). I hate when family is like this. Let us know how it goes
Amy0417 is offline  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:38 PM
 
shantimama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 10,909
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 14 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
no. they should value family ties as well, right? My dad used to be uncomfortable with me nursing in the same room. He would always insist that I stay put, and he'd go somewhere else.
What a great way for your Dad to handle it! Working at a good family relatiosnhip goes both ways where all parties have to be willing to be flexible when they disagree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Llyra View Post
No way, man. I wouldn't go. It's not even just how rude they're being to you. Basically, they're telling your poor DD she's not allowed to eat while she's there, and that's awful. I believe in family ties-- I put up with all kinds of crazy crap from my own family, in order to protect the relationships my kids have with them. But telling my kid she can't eat, because they have some kind of wacky issues, is more than I'd be willing to take.

That said, if I was really wanting to not miss it, I'd go, and nurse anyway, and if they confronted me about it, I'd make a stand and refuse to stop. Let them throw me out. That may not be your style, of course, but I don't think you should have to feel like you're doing anything wrong in this situation.

I think I would have done this too. If my SIL was bottlefeeding out of preference rather than necessity I wouldn't refuse to allow her to pull out a bottle in my home, no matter how much it irked me. I would be bothered, especially if she propped a wee babe in a car seat for feeding instead of nursing but there is no way I would consider telling her it wasn't okay to feed her baby the way she chooses in my home. I would expect the same respect in return.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mija y mijo View Post
Seeing that it's in a public place, I would go and nurse my child as needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBomb View Post
Agreed. If it was in their home, I'd either not go, or deal with hiding to nurse (no matter how ridiculous and stupid it is, but it's their house). But out in public? No way. And if they say anything, I'd just very firmly say "We are in a public place and I have every legal right to nurse here."
shantimama is online now  
Old 09-05-2010, 07:44 PM
 
mamadelbosque's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 6,810
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd either go and ignore htem and just nurse (cause' thats what I do. People have 'asked' me to move/goto the bathroom/tell them and they'll 'find you somewhere to nurse...', and I smile & nod, and i ignore them. I nurse wehrever I am. If you don't like it, f' you. And if you really hate it, you just won't see me *OR* my kids. So thats what I'd do. I'd either go and ignore them completely and just nurse or I just wouldn't go.
mamadelbosque is offline  
Old 09-07-2010, 12:35 PM
 
Quinalla's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 2,334
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was going to go with the first response if it was in their home, a polite e-mail explaining the situation. I too think that this SIL is beyond rude, but I still try to be polite even to rude people, especially in a situation like yours where you are trying to keep the peace for the sake of family ties. But since it is in a public place, I probably wouldn't bother or worry about it and just show up and nurse as needed. And get DH to handle the other kids if/when you need to nurse, since it is his brother you are trying to keep the peace for, he needs to help out (unless he won't be there?). The only thing I might do is have DH talk to his brother and explain the situation so his brother can have ammo to help diffuse his wife if necessary.

Katie trekkie.gif - Married to Mike 06/02/01, Mom to Sydney Anne born 11/21/09 and Alice Maeryn & Oliver Thomas born 04/24/13  hug.gif 

 

 

Quinalla is offline  
Old 09-07-2010, 03:21 PM
 
angelpie545's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Near water, with a refreshing rain
Posts: 6,466
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Seeing that it's in a public place, I would go and nurse as needed. If anyone says anything, I'd explain her medical condition to them in plain, simple terms, and keep repeating it if they press. Id' also look up the law in your state (if you state is one of those where breastfeeding is specifically protected) and keep it handy.

Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

angelpie545 is offline  
Old 09-07-2010, 03:28 PM
 
goldenwillow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: In the trees
Posts: 1,124
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pirogi View Post
Yep, I'd go, and I'd nurse wherever and whenever needed. If you get "bounced" from the party, then that's the time to stop contact.
10-4 on that, my thoughts exactly.

You are feeding your child, their relative.

'09   
goldenwillow is offline  
Old 09-07-2010, 03:48 PM
 
RoseDuperre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On the shores of Lake Erie
Posts: 718
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraN View Post
Does your BIL value the relationship as much as your husband does? Because it's his job to stop his wife from being unreasonably rude to his brother's wife. I just asked DH what he would do in this situation (he's also very close to both his brothers) and he said he would tell his brother that we wouldn't be able to attend their functions until the ban on breastfeeding was ended. Really, they're the ones damaging the relationship by disallowing breastfeeding.
Posted via Mobile Device
Quote:
Originally Posted by KristyDi View Post
I'd send DH and DD, but wouldn't go myself.
I concur with the first, and then if that's not possible, I'd do the latter.
RoseDuperre is offline  
Old 09-08-2010, 10:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
cdmommie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 667
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We did go. I cried half the way there. DH offered to just turn around and go home after he couldn't think of a good reason we were even going ( I so <3 him!). I honestly would rather deal with the nursing issue than to deal with what may happen and be said if we didn't go though.

DD2 slept the whole way there and DD1 had to potty really bad when we got there, so there was no time to nurse before the party. About half way through, she was getting really antsy and begging, so I just sat next to a relative who has, on several occasions, expressed how wonderful she thinks it is that I'm still nursing her. Two people from BIL's wife's family gave me nasty looks and one of them started to come up to me but looked around the room and changed her mind.

One of BIL's wife's friends did have the nerve to tell me that my children and I shouldn't be there (not sure why we were invited in the first place then!). I just ignored it and walked away.

I'm glad there was no confrontation WHILE I was nursing DD2, but I am inclined to think our interactions with these people will be extremely limited from here on out.

-T, Wife and Best Friend to R 3/2005; Mommie to E 8/2007; and G 3/2009

cdmommie is offline  
Old 09-09-2010, 12:47 PM
 
almadianna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: *clicks heels* There is no place like Stockholm
Posts: 5,872
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I dont understand why BIL's wife's friends had the gall to tell you that.... but

You are in Texas I see, where in Texas are you? I am in texas as well. I hope you have a good support system of mamas where you are that can help you in times like this. I am sorry that this was so bad and I think after this I too would limit my interaction with them.

earth.gif trottin', pole dancing, Norway and Sweden lovin' , hippie.gif,WOHM Kiddos born waterbirth.jpg 12/11/06 and 08/09/08 
belly.gif with #3 puke.gif EDD:01/2013 yikes2.gif So in love loveeyes.gif with my sweet Swede 2twins.gif and my bonus-son 10/25/98 carrot.gif

 
 

almadianna is offline  
Old 09-09-2010, 03:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
cdmommie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 667
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by almadianna View Post
I dont understand why BIL's wife's friends had the gall to tell you that.... but

You are in Texas I see, where in Texas are you? I am in texas as well. I hope you have a good support system of mamas where you are that can help you in times like this. I am sorry that this was so bad and I think after this I too would limit my interaction with them.
PM'd you

-T, Wife and Best Friend to R 3/2005; Mommie to E 8/2007; and G 3/2009

cdmommie is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off