would you attend a family event where you're not 'allowed' to nurse? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 05:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
cdmommie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 667
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A part of my in-laws family informed me last year that I am only welcome at their evens/parties if I find a place to hide out if I need to nurse. The incident of me nursing without a cover (but with a modest undershirt and tee-shirt on top and NO boobage was shown) happened at my nephew's 2nd b-day party. We have not done anything with my brother in law and his wife's family since then. However, his 3rd birthday is this weekend. We were invited and DD is excited about it. but, I am not sure I should take DD2. She is 17 months old but is still unable to eat or drink properly so she HAS to nurse (we are working with and occupation therapist and nutritionist to fix the problems but that's a whole different thing). I don't know how long the party is but I do know it is an hour and a half away. AND I will be there with my 3 year old, my 17 month old and a 17 month old I babysit, so "hiding-out" is not an option .
So do I go and just tell DD2 no she can't nurse the whole time? Or do DD2 and I stay home?

-T, Wife and Best Friend to R 3/2005; Mommie to E 8/2007; and G 3/2009

cdmommie is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:10 PM
 
EdnaMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 5,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, that sucks. On the one hand, I'd like to be principled, but on the other hand, the principle of family ties is more important. On the OTHER hand, your DD cannot eat or drink anything but breastmilk, right? I think what I'd do is e-mail and say, Look, I'm working on this with the doctor but baby still is not taking food, so will there be a room where I can nurse her AND watch the other toddler who's coming? Sorry to make a fuss, but that's my life right now. And then leave your 3yo with the other kids.

Is that possible?

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
EdnaMarie is offline  
#3 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:20 PM
 
momtoS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,755
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Could you do something else fun that day with DD? I wouldn't go where I wasn't allowed to FEED my child. That is just wrong.
momtoS is offline  
#4 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:24 PM
 
rainbowmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 10,800
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No way, no how. You aren't even "allowed" to feed your baby? I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to socialize in any capacity with people that feel they could dictate that. Family or not. That's just over the top, beyond rude.

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
rainbowmoon is offline  
#5 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:26 PM
 
lynsage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,177
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't go and I'd write them a letter explaining why you will not attend. "Rude" doesn't begin to describe the way these people are treating you and you don't deserve it, nor should you be expected to jump through any hoops to be able to feed your child.
lynsage is offline  
#6 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:32 PM
 
kriket's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: SW Ohio
Posts: 4,609
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I think what I'd do is e-mail and say, Look, I'm working on this with the doctor but baby still is not taking food, so will there be a room where I can nurse her AND watch the other toddler who's coming? Sorry to make a fuss, but that's my life right now. And then leave your 3yo with the other kids.
so eloquent! I would have just laughed in their face when the told me I wasn't allowed" to nurse. Next time they come to your house, they are only allowed to eat on the padio, not at the table with everyone else.

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
Mama to Sprout jog.gif 4.09 and Bruises babyboy.gif 7.11 handfasted to superhero.gif 9.07

kriket is offline  
#7 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:34 PM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,757
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No.No.No.
No. Absoutely not. If I had to hide away, starve my child, or get a babysitter to watch my child because I couldnt nurse at a TODDLERS birthday party, then NO I wouldnt go. I dont think family ties are so important that you should have to budge at all about how you feed your baby.We arent talking about a little difference in parenting methods here, we are talking about how your DD survives. Also, I would have my DH have a serious conversation with his brother about respect and the fact that if they value a relationship with you, they shouldnt make you hide to feed your child. I would not go, I would be pissed if DH went without me because I would expect his support 100%.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#8 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:34 PM
 
GoBecGo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,405
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't go, i would email and tell them i was surprised they accidentally invited me, since they don't welcome me and my baby in their company. But then, i am an angry lady when it comes to these things!
GoBecGo is offline  
#9 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:34 PM
 
SilverFish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Montreal
Posts: 865
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
family ties to people that off-base just wouldn't be that important to keep, IMO. i would either go and nurse where i pleased (and have some fairly sharp words for anyone who had a problem with it i.e. why aren't all the other kids being sequestered into private rooms so no one sees cake going into their mouths?) or not go at all. i tend to be a bit more private when nursing at family events anyway, things can get loud and crowded, and my baby eats better when she has a little space, but i certainly don't go off into another room unless i'm tired too, or its convenient... i usually just find a slightly out of the way armchair. but yeah, i'd go and just pretend no one had said anything to me last time, and do my regular thing.
SilverFish is offline  
#10 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 06:48 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
no. they should value family ties as well, right? My dad used to be uncomfortable with me nursing in the same room. He would always insist that I stay put, and he'd go somewhere else.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#11 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 07:06 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,440
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't go unless it could be worked out. And I'd probably keep future contact with them very limited, even when I was no longer breastfeeding.
eclipse is offline  
#12 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 07:18 PM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post
No way, no how. You aren't even "allowed" to feed your baby? I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to socialize in any capacity with people that feel they could dictate that. Family or not. That's just over the top, beyond rude.
I completely agree with this.
philomom is online now  
#13 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 07:25 PM
 
Llyra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: right here
Posts: 9,388
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No way, man. I wouldn't go. It's not even just how rude they're being to you. Basically, they're telling your poor DD she's not allowed to eat while she's there, and that's awful. I believe in family ties-- I put up with all kinds of crazy crap from my own family, in order to protect the relationships my kids have with them. But telling my kid she can't eat, because they have some kind of wacky issues, is more than I'd be willing to take.

That said, if I was really wanting to not miss it, I'd go, and nurse anyway, and if they confronted me about it, I'd make a stand and refuse to stop. Let them throw me out. That may not be your style, of course, but I don't think you should have to feel like you're doing anything wrong in this situation.

me knit.gif, he bikenew.gif, my three reading.gif, sleepytime.gif, and fairy.gif-- and the one we lost angel2.gif
Llyra is offline  
#14 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 07:28 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
no. they should value family ties as well, right? My dad used to be uncomfortable with me nursing in the same room. He would always insist that I stay put, and he'd go somewhere else.
Your dad is AWESOME!!! Thats great that he realized it was his issue to deal with and not yours!

OP - Honestly, if your babe can only drink BM, I would email like a pp said, and ask if there is a place that you can nurse and watch the other child your dd's age.

If you only want to go if you can nurse out in the open, you might either call, or email, and explain that your dd2 has a medical need to nurse, that she can't yet eat solid foods, reassure them that you will be as discreet as possible, but that you really can't attend unless they are ok with you nursing in public. Tell them you really want to go, and if they still insist that you can't nip there, that you hope your nephew has a great party, but that you'll have to decline.

I don't see this as a reason to cut people out of your life. I just don't think NIP is that big of a deal. It's really hard to know when we'll need family support in the future, and so I'm hesitant to cut ties with family over something that I think is very small in the scheme of things. If this family is otherwise very toxic for other reasons, and they aren't people that you want to be around even without the NIP issue, then by all means cut ties. Thats your choice entirely, and only you know the whole situation.
Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#15 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 07:28 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No.

-Angela
alegna is offline  
#16 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 07:44 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,666
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I probably would never attend anything in their home again, if it were me. I'd be on my territory or neutral territory. You shouldn't hold a grudge, but you should also stand your own ground. They've shown that they will try to control you in their home, so don't go there. If it's not breastfeeding, it'll be something else.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#17 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 07:44 PM
 
2lilsweetfoxes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: My own little world...
Posts: 1,318
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd explain that my child was not on solids and that we are working with a therapist to get her to take solids because of issues she has. We are not babying or infantalizing her. (whether you want to explain the issues in detail to your family is up to you) And I'd nurse there anyhow. Of course my family tried bullying me into hiding three children ago. Didn't work. I do what I want anyhow. Are they skeeved at the idea of a toddler nursing because "she's too 'big' for that"?

Feed your baby before going, get there a bit "early" and give her a feed before the party (if you want to find a place to relax, fine, if not, *shrug*, feed anywhere) and she may be having so much fun it becomes a non-issue. Then again, you may enjoy having an "excuse" to take a break from the festivities. The bigger issue may be people trying to feed her cake and other goodies.
2lilsweetfoxes is offline  
#18 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 09:01 PM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's been a year since they said that? Then I'd go, nurse when needed and where needed, and be prepared to leave in high dudgeon if they said anything.
Irishmommy is offline  
#19 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 09:08 PM
 
kittywitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 13,061
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post
No way, no how. You aren't even "allowed" to feed your baby? I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to socialize in any capacity with people that feel they could dictate that. Family or not. That's just over the top, beyond rude.
I agree. I'm all about family. I have a huge family but I just can not imagine someone that cared about us saying something like that. I guess I should be lucky my family is very pro-breastfeeding? Dh's family is *not* and absolutely abhor breastfeeding. I just have ignored them over the years and now they don't care less about it and even play with baby or will be in the room if I'm breastfeeding. If it was me, I would either not go, or show up and breastfeed and tell them to stuff it.

AP Mom to 5 knit.gifhomeschool.giftoddler.gif
 
  

kittywitty is offline  
#20 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 09:10 PM
 
Pirogi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 950
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yep, I'd go, and I'd nurse wherever and whenever needed. If you get "bounced" from the party, then that's the time to stop contact.
Pirogi is offline  
#21 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 10:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
cdmommie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 667
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, to give a little back-story, my BIL and DH have a decent relationship. DH is feels like it is very important to keep this relationship, which I respect, and that's the reason we planned to attended the party. That, and the fact that we don't want the children to have a bad relationship, just because of the adults.
That being said, BIL's wife (was my best friend several years ago) and I do NOT have a relationship, we don't even speak one word to each other. Ever. And it is her part of the family that has this big issue.
Honestly, if it weren't for DH's unconditional love for his brother, we would have cut these people out long ago.

As for the party, it is at a public place, so technically I can nurse, but it will not be tolerated well and I really really don't want to go through all that again. And, if there is another room I could nurse in, I would be dragging along another toddler who does NOT listen in the slightest bit, so there's a good chance he would get into something, get hurt, or I would end up chasing him in said random room instead of feeding my baby.

Also, my daughter is allowed to have solids, she just can't seem to physically do it. So if someone tries to give her cake it's fine, she just won't actually swallow any.

I am leaning toward going and just nursing anyway(if needed). Not because I want to cause trouble, but because I don't want DD1 to miss out just because the adults have issues.

-T, Wife and Best Friend to R 3/2005; Mommie to E 8/2007; and G 3/2009

cdmommie is offline  
#22 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 10:08 PM
 
mija y mijo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,348
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Seeing that it's in a public place, I would go and nurse my child as needed.
mija y mijo is offline  
#23 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 10:20 PM
 
CherryBomb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,885
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mija y mijo View Post
Seeing that it's in a public place, I would go and nurse my child as needed.
Agreed. If it was in their home, I'd either not go, or deal with hiding to nurse (no matter how ridiculous and stupid it is, but it's their house). But out in public? No way. And if they say anything, I'd just very firmly say "We are in a public place and I have every legal right to nurse here."
CherryBomb is offline  
#24 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 10:31 PM
 
Skinjob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 41
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just go and tell them to "grow up." That's some bizarre, uptight nonsense right there.
Skinjob is offline  
#25 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 10:46 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,440
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Public place? Then I revise my opinion that I would skip it. I would go and nurse as I saw fit and tell them to stuff it if they had problem with it.
eclipse is offline  
#26 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 11:20 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ah, public place I'd go and nurse as needed. I was envisioning the get-together at a family home of the family with an issue.

-Angela
alegna is offline  
#27 of 53 Old 09-03-2010, 11:49 PM
 
Pookietooth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 5,016
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That sucks. She has a medical condition. Would they feel the same way about tube feeding her? Ugh. Does she have eosinophilic esophagitis?

Jen 47 DS C 2/03  angel.gif04/29/08/ DD S 10/28/09 DH Bill '97.

mighty-mama and her sister Kundalini-Mamacandle.gif

Pookietooth is offline  
#28 of 53 Old 09-04-2010, 12:08 AM
 
dogretro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would not go, but I would be okay if dh and dd1 went by themselves.

jumpers.gif

DD (4.25.08)  DD (4.23.10)  DD (10.13.12)

dogretro is offline  
#29 of 53 Old 09-04-2010, 05:11 AM
 
ewe+lamb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: just journeying along .....
Posts: 2,242
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd go and nurse when needed. goodness these folks have issues, can't your dh talk to his brother about how ridiculous this is? Or maybe you've BTDT. Sorry this is a situation that's really not pleasant to be in.

ewe + dh = our little lambs + we and have many just : and : life .
ewe+lamb is offline  
#30 of 53 Old 09-04-2010, 05:55 AM
 
karika's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,163
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would not want to be around anyone that is so against nature. To have a member of family tell you that you cannot be yourself and do things that are considered normal is too far gone for me. The fact that they would have the gall to say it to you too.... I would not go and just don't mention it to dd anymore, she will forget all about it.

But, OTOH, it takes some of us being the big person to heal it all. Maybe a diplomatic route is best for the global environment of unity... but the post asks what I would do, and no I would not go.

To begin to save the world, we must first nurture the children. Read "The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost"    saynovax.gifgoorganic.jpgintactlact.gifMe-hippie.gifreading.gifhelp.gif10.5 yo dd1- nut.gifreading.gifblahblah.gif ; 5 yo dd2- angel.gifhearts.gifbouncy.gif
karika is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off