DH has NIP issues....... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 09-03-2010, 11:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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im not sure where exactly to post this so my apologies if i got it wrong.

i am a very PROUD NIP i show it off and love it when people stare or make remarks i dont try to hide it at all. im 23 y/o i have a nice rack lol and i feel sort of compelled to throw it in people face in the US.
In Poland everyone breastfeeds no issues if you cover up they think you are nuts. this is how i feel about it following the footsteps of my ancestors...

anyways im not a shy person period- never have been. i have always noticed DH kind of hide away whenever i NIP. i have ignored it...thus far but i got REALLY infuriated today when an elderly woman outside of a restaurant gasped as i nursed my 11 m/o and whispered something to a woman she was with and DH practically ran away...TG another elderly woman i guess stood up for me by saying oh yeah they can do that now...what the hell do you expect her to do the baby needs to eat too...
i just smiled at them...anyway...

so when DH came out of hiding i flipped my lid. now its hard because hes very supportive of BFing our DD and future kids he has gone as far as to tell me if i ever even thought of formula b/c i was having issues or w/e he would help me and talk me out of it. the both of us see formula as not an option...
so anyway i guess this is somewhat of a vent. anyone else have this problem? what have you done to resolve it?

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#2 of 29 Old 09-04-2010, 02:20 AM
 
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When we are out in public, and DS wants/needs to nurse, DH will be like, do you have your cover? and I roll my eyes, and am like yeah . . . If he is around I start with it, but inevitably DS pulls it off, and I take it off then. I use it mostly for latch on. When DS was younger, and I was newer at it (he is my first) I used covers in public all the time, now I have just learned to dress and nurse more discreetly, so don't need the cover.

I would see what ways you can find to compromise, I usually wear a cami under a top, so top up, cami down, and really, even with my 40G sized boobs, you don't see anything. I think it helps DH some to know that. Guys can be sort of possesive about boobs, for some reason.

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#3 of 29 Old 09-04-2010, 02:30 AM
 
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When I started bfing, dh and I were both concerned about how we did it (didn't want to flash anyone ). So I used a blanket for awhile. Dh used to do what I like to call the "blanket dance," where he would get up and carefully drape me with the blanket and make sure everything was covered.

It's funny to think about now ....! But at the time it was really important to him. He hadn't really been around a lot of women breastfeeding so it seemed intimate, private etc. to him.

Fast-forward and by a year of age, he'd become much more comfortable. I did/do wear nursing tops when I'm going to be around lots of people (usually), just because it's easier for me. Once dh realized that I could latch and unlatch with really NO way anyone was 'seeing' anything, he got over his concerns pretty quickly.

We dd1 bf'd 'til she was 2 1/2, and dd2 has almost completely quit now. I think it was during dd1's second year (around 18 months) that dh really kicked into lactivist mode re: breastfeeding. We were out with friends whose dd was the same age as dd1, but no longer nursing. It was a big college basketball game, lots of noise and people. Our friends' daughter was overwhelmed and they spent most of their time managing her. Dd1 looked around, got overwhelmed, and nursed herself to sleep - totally manageable for the rest of the game. It was like magic, and from then on dh has been in the "Why on Earth hide it, and why on earth STOP?" camp.

It takes awhile, sometimes, for them to get used to it and get over all the social programming they've had about breasts, what they're for, and why they should be exposed (and what exposing them means). Keep reminding your dh - babe is hungry, babe needs to eat, there's nothing sexual about this, there's nothing offensive about feeding a baby.

At this point, dh would LOVE to hear someone make a comment about NIP where he could step in and tell that person to buzz off and leave the mom alone. Your dh will probably get there too. It's a process.....

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#4 of 29 Old 09-04-2010, 02:33 AM
 
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He's not asking you to stop (THAT would be a problem) he's uncomfortable with seeing it and he didn't lecture you, berate you or act negatively... he LEFT for a while....

It WOULD be awesome if he sat by your side, but he's not comfortable with it and he dealt with it as maturely as he could...

Sounds like he is doing the best he can... I'd cut him some slack.. maybe he'll reassess his position.

ANd BTW I am a proud NIPer but "throwing it in people's faces" isn't the way to go either. No need to be discreet in my book.. but no need to be indiscreet to make a statement. Perhaps it's the attitude that DH doesn't like
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#5 of 29 Old 09-04-2010, 04:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lerlerler View Post
He's not asking you to stop (THAT would be a problem) he's uncomfortable with seeing it and he didn't lecture you, berate you or act negatively... he LEFT for a while....

It WOULD be awesome if he sat by your side, but he's not comfortable with it and he dealt with it as maturely as he could...

Sounds like he is doing the best he can... I'd cut him some slack.. maybe he'll reassess his position.

ANd BTW I am a proud NIPer but "throwing it in people's faces" isn't the way to go either. No need to be discreet in my book.. but no need to be indiscreet to make a statement. Perhaps it's the attitude that DH doesn't like
ITA with this, I live in europe and the attitude to breasts is different, we just don't see the whole BOOB thing that the US has an issue with, maybe out of cultural respect to not 'throw it in people's faces' and just nurse normally, not hiding but just normal would be the way to go - then you never know your dh may just sit beside you and show everyone how proud of you he is!!

JFYI i really disagree with covers and the like, still giving off the impression the breastfeeding is something to be ashamed, I have a big problem with this, but I think your dh is just handling it the only way he knows how to at the moment, i reckon it'll all work it's way out, at least he's not asking you to stop nursing altogether - now that would be a big problem for me.

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#6 of 29 Old 09-04-2010, 08:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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haha by "throw it in peoples faces" i dont mean i like flop them around and say ha! lol i just nurse her openly in very public places without hiding and when someone makes a snide remark i will usually make one back or just smile. i dont have any nursing tops b/c they are pricey!!! so maybe it more the exposure thing for him i mean i usually just take my breast right out of the top of my shirt (i just wear low cut shirts) and DD covers my nipple but the flesh is shown. right now its still very hot out but the whole cami under the shirt sounds reasonable.

also i wasnt trying to down him. i just get upset that he's not as supportive about BFing. i mean hes happy i do it and believes it should be done over a year (although he keeps telling me she should wean at 2 b/c its just weird after i vote when she wants to), but i think with the rest of the world its a sticky topic for him. but i do respect him. if we go visit him at work and DD wants to nurse i always go somewhere completely secluded that no one will go to or i can lock the door ect. because i know he doesnt want people he works with seeing me nurse.
his whole family is very weird about nursing as well...his sister actually threatened violence on me for BFing in front of her son...it was ludacris.
so basically i should just accept it and try to encourage him to be more open about it while i nurse a little more covered? sound like a plan? lol

TY for you're responses and opinions

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#7 of 29 Old 09-05-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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DH freeks and worries about me BF in public. It doesn't matter how covered I am or even if I go hide in another room he even worries about strangers guessing what I might be dong behind closed doors
Just nurse as needed and as descretly as I see necessary.. As hes seen that the world doesn't gasp and run in horror he has relaxed a lot but I still know it bothers him. He knows its kinda his issue though so that helps.

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#8 of 29 Old 09-05-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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When I read the title of this thread I thought "phew, it's a good thing that he isn't the one who has to NIP!"
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#9 of 29 Old 09-07-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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My husband was very conscious of our nursing in public also, heck nursing in front of a window in my home really bothered him. Now he has completely changed and is far less sensitive about it. I suppose somewhere around the six month mark he really began to relax. Now, at ten months into nursing he is very comfortable with it, at the beach, at the park, etc.
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#10 of 29 Old 09-07-2010, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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we are at a year almost still weird lol i went out and bought some camis and have been trying to be more discreet for him and i still get the OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING look everytime i get ready to nurse her....errrrrr

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#11 of 29 Old 09-07-2010, 08:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lerlerler View Post
He's not asking you to stop (THAT would be a problem) he's uncomfortable with seeing it and he didn't lecture you, berate you or act negatively... he LEFT for a while....

It WOULD be awesome if he sat by your side, but he's not comfortable with it and he dealt with it as maturely as he could...

Sounds like he is doing the best he can... I'd cut him some slack.. maybe he'll reassess his position.

ANd BTW I am a proud NIPer but "throwing it in people's faces" isn't the way to go either. No need to be discreet in my book.. but no need to be indiscreet to make a statement. Perhaps it's the attitude that DH doesn't like
I agree with you.

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#12 of 29 Old 09-07-2010, 08:27 PM
 
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When I read the title of this thread I thought "phew, it's a good thing that he isn't the one who has to NIP!"
That's what I was thinking: "Then he shouldn't do it!"

But seriously, my dh has zero problem with NIP but he might if I had my boob out. He probably wouldn't want other men seeing my breasts.

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#13 of 29 Old 09-07-2010, 11:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That's what I was thinking: "Then he shouldn't do it!"

But seriously, my dh has zero problem with NIP but he might if I had my boob out. He probably wouldn't want other men seeing my breasts.
yeah but im covering up more what do you mean? i refuse to wear a blanket over my kid she would flip anyway. what do you do?

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#14 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 04:02 AM
 
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yeah but im covering up more what do you mean? i refuse to wear a blanket over my kid she would flip anyway. what do you do?
I'm sorry, I don't agree with nursing covers either - as i mentioned before, I think now you could sit down and have a chat, maybe something like this "I'm making a real effort to make you feel more comfortable with our nursing in public - what's the problem now? i don't understand why it still makes you feel so uncomfortable ....." He needs to come out of his self conciousness and at least tell you and then you can face whatever it is head on instead of him not communicating the actual cause of his discomfort.

Or maybe you come across to europe for a long holiday and let him see that nursing in public is just normal everywhere else - lol

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#15 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 09:26 AM
 
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Some people just have different levels of comfort for NIP exposure. I'm just saying some ladies like to pull their top down and nurse and I would not be comfortable with that.

I just lift my shirt up so my belly might be seen or a bit of my breast, that I have no problem with and people can get over it.

So I don't know what you were doing. I tend to be shy about it all.

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#16 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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right well i have been pulling up the cami under my shirt and then pulling down my shirt so its covered alot more.

haha wish i could afford to go to Europe.

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#17 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 01:54 PM
 
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I nursed in public all the time, all over the place, and no breast showed -- I wore a lot of T-shirts or other stretchy tops, and just hiked it up a little to give the baby access. I never got negative comments or looks for it. My DH was supportive of nursing, but he didn't want other people to see my breasts all the time and I respected his feelings. Of course, I didn't want anyone to see them either, but it mattered more to him than to me -- after giving birth, I didn't have that much modesty left ...
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#18 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 01:59 PM
 
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Ha, go somewhere warm sosurreal! I'm in Scotland - no-one cares if i nurse in public but i'd freeze my nipples off if i didn't have SOME kind of sleeves

FWIW my DH was a bit "funny" when i NIP initially (he got over it fast, DD's only 3mos old!) and when i asked him about it he said he was braced for someone to make a negative comment and planning how he would get them away from me to make sure i could nurse in peace. It was a whole protective/aggressive reaction going on in him which was unfamiliar and a bit scary for him. So maybe he has other strong emotions which aren't to do with NOT liking you NIP?
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#19 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 02:00 PM
 
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right well i have been pulling up the cami under my shirt and then pulling down my shirt so its covered alot more.

haha wish i could afford to go to Europe.
Great , you can't really do any more and i'm sure there's no 'flesh' showing!

Still I would try and talk to your dh a little more, in a gentle and calm manner so that things don't get out of hand and ask him if he feels any better about things and if not can he elaborate why not - is that possible?

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#20 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 02:00 PM
 
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I think "not liking NIP" and "not liking other people getting an eyeful of his wife's breasts" are two different things.
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#21 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 02:12 PM
 
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I think "not liking NIP" and "not liking other people getting an eyeful of his wife's breasts" are two different things.
are they? whose breasts are they? if she is comfortably nursing where is his opinion on how she looks relevant? dh likes my breasts but they are MY breasts and i do what i want with them.

saying one is supportive of BF but only if a set of criteria which have nothing to do with the comfort of the mama or babe are met is NOT being supportive.

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#22 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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I think in a healthy relationship you treat your partner and his or her concerns with respect, so the partner's feelings are relevant about a lot of things. My DH has the right to do all kinds of things that I'd rather he not do, and I do think my opinion is relevant. Fortunately, he agrees!

The right of the baby to be nursed is paramount, but no one has even suggested that she not nurse wherever and whenever comfortable -- he IS supportive.
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#23 of 29 Old 09-08-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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I think that it is his right to not be 100% comfortable with it, because it seems like he isnt asking her to change anything that she does.

If he was asking her to change anything I would not agree with it. My husband does not have any issues with NIP or anyone seeing my breasts while I do it (I was even on TV doing it!) but if he did I would talk to him and explain to him that while I respect and understand his feelings... nothing is going to change. If he feels the need to leave, he can do so.

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#24 of 29 Old 09-09-2010, 05:01 AM
 
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I think in a healthy relationship you treat your partner and his or her concerns with respect, so the partner's feelings are relevant about a lot of things. My DH has the right to do all kinds of things that I'd rather he not do, and I do think my opinion is relevant. Fortunately, he agrees!

The right of the baby to be nursed is paramount, but no one has even suggested that she not nurse wherever and whenever comfortable -- he IS supportive.
While i agree that concerns should be treated with respect, i think it is essentially controlling to ask your partner to do something in a very specific way so you can be comfortable with it when it is a benign act which is for the good of your child and/or merely something which the partner wants to do which harms no-one. Imagine a woman posted that her husband would support a vaginal birth so long as she was stood up to do it so the mw/ob didn't get a full look at her vulva, or that he would allow a baby so long as she had a cs to "save" her pelvic floor for him....i'm sure we would all be pretty up-in-arms about that. Either one is supportive of BF, and accepts that it's going to be a little different for each motherbabe pairing (i am as supportive of my under-the-cover friends as i am of my totally-on-show friends - they are all doing what they need to do to feed their babies), or one is not. My DH would be not-so-politely asked to keep it to himself if he felt that he had any right to tell me what i could do and/or how i could do it with my own body.
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#25 of 29 Old 09-09-2010, 06:10 AM
 
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I think "not liking NIP" and "not liking other people getting an eyeful of his wife's breasts" are two different things.
But she's just said that's she's wearing a cami and a shirt so that alot more is covered - she's making a big effort for him, realising his discomfort, trying appease that and he's still not happy, so therefore it would seem to me that it may not be the actual exposure of the breast that is the problem here but the actual act of nursing in public and the possible comments from the general public .

This is just abit alien to me, I guess i try to be understanding but I can't understand why so many people get uptight about seeing a bit of flesh, it's almost that if it was done in a sexual manner then that's better than nourishing your baby - goodness i really don't envy you guys at all.

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#26 of 29 Old 09-09-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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I don't really like to NIP, but I did when DS was younger. DH was and still is completely fine with it, baby's hungry and won't take pumped breastmilk, what else are you going do?
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#27 of 29 Old 09-09-2010, 12:29 PM
 
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I'd tell him to get over it. You can NIP if you want. You can take your shirt off if you want. You arent doing anything wrong, and its your body. I dont want other women looking at my husband without his shirt on, does that stop him from taking it off when he is hot? I love it that you NIP without any shame, with no cover, and are proud of it.

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#28 of 29 Old 09-09-2010, 01:50 PM
 
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While i agree that concerns should be treated with respect, i think it is essentially controlling to ask your partner to do something in a very specific way so you can be comfortable with it when it is a benign act which is for the good of your child and/or merely something which the partner wants to do which harms no-one. Imagine a woman posted that her husband would support a vaginal birth so long as she was stood up to do it so the mw/ob didn't get a full look at her vulva, or that he would allow a baby so long as she had a cs to "save" her pelvic floor for him....i'm sure we would all be pretty up-in-arms about that. Either one is supportive of BF, and accepts that it's going to be a little different for each motherbabe pairing (i am as supportive of my under-the-cover friends as i am of my totally-on-show friends - they are all doing what they need to do to feed their babies), or one is not. My DH would be not-so-politely asked to keep it to himself if he felt that he had any right to tell me what i could do and/or how i could do it with my own body.
I TOTALLY AGREE.

And I really like the vaginal birth parallel.

Allowing a partner to put limits on how I use my body to feed my/our child in a way that comes naturally and comfortably to me most certainly would not be self-respectful, respectful of my child, or respectful of nursing women and children in general. That's just how I feel. I have a responsibility to advocate for the natural and normal way to feed my child wherever my child needs to be fed. The more breasts people see outside of pornography and sex and media, the better. Hiding my breasts for the sake of "modesty" only perpetuates those notions of what breasts are for. My breasts do not belong to my partner. They belong to me. That's why they're attached to my body. I will cover if that's what makes me feel comfortable and confident, or I won't. If my partner wants a chest to cover and protect from public view, they have their own. Why aren't male-bodied people made to feel embarrassed about their nipples in public? They aren't usually feeding their children with them but can reveal them in broad daylight on their front lawns. I'm not going to apologize for feeding my child with the milk that my extraordinary body will have made to feed them. Allowing a partner's socialized sexualization of my breasts (and their jealousy/possession over my body/sexuality) to stop me from doing what's best for myself, my child, and families in general? Not going to happen.

But... I'm not going to judge other women for making these choices based on their partners' discomfort. I can only make choices for myself and honor each woman's place in their personal journey.

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#29 of 29 Old 09-09-2010, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by ewe+lamb View Post
But she's just said that's she's wearing a cami and a shirt so that alot more is covered - she's making a big effort for him, realising his discomfort, trying appease that and he's still not happy, so therefore it would seem to me that it may not be the actual exposure of the breast that is the problem here but the actual act of nursing in public and the possible comments from the general public .

This is just abit alien to me, I guess i try to be understanding but I can't understand why so many people get uptight about seeing a bit of flesh, it's almost that if it was done in a sexual manner then that's better than nourishing your baby - goodness i really don't envy you guys at all.
this is exactly how it is and what i am saying. it aggravates me that EVERYONE around me feels so weird about it even DH! my friends/fam from Poland dont think about it at all...it's whatever even if they see my entire breast i have even had people i hardly know bring their children over with one of my friends so they can see how to feed a baby!
but in America it seems to be such an issue. DH is self conscience about me NIP....like wtf??? it makes no sense to me and im not sure what to do/if there is anything i can do about it.

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