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#61 of 89 Old 05-09-2011, 07:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by fyrebloom View Post

Wow, there is SO much nastiness on this thread!  Yikes!  You'd think she was trying to starve her nephew!  When we breastfeed we do it all.  There is no dad helping (unless we pump.... much more of a PITA then feeding baby at the tap) there is only mom and her breasts.  There is this attitude that if you formula feed you can just pawn the baby off to the nearest set of arms and it's "an honor" to feed them smelly staining dairy product.  What is wrong with saying no?  What is wrong with saying you feed your child just as I fed mine, you do it your way and I do it my way and that's the end of it. Propping a bottle in his mouth isn't anything more then feeding the baby and I wouldn't be comfortable doing it either.  I personally wouldn't want my kids to see me bottle feeding a child or learning that it was OK to pass of their responsibilities to others just because they can.  This is not anything to do with formula, it's ALL about responsibility and the way we bond with babies.  I don't bond with bottles, I bond with play and other child care duties.  I don't expect anyone to breastfeed (def not formula feed if I am able) my babies I don't expect to feed anyone elses babies.  Period.


Wow. I really hope you are kidding because otherwise this is the meanest, nastiest post I have read here in a very long time.
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#62 of 89 Old 05-09-2011, 08:47 PM
 
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This thread is really sad. All of us here know how important family support is throughout your life and in particular in those vunerable few months after you have a baby. It is just mind-blowing for me to see that some people will only lend that support if they are doing things exactly as they would.

 

OP, your baby nephew sounds like a charming, sweet, healthy, happy little baby. Obviously his mother is doing something right. If you don't want to feed him in a way you deem inferior, don't, I am sure their will be plenty more loving arms available that will be happy to enjoy the giggles, gurgles and snuffles while they fill his tummy.

 

Signed,

 

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#63 of 89 Old 05-09-2011, 09:02 PM
 
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Well I guess I kind of get what OP is saying. Kind of. I feel sad when I see a mom not BFing. I think human milk is very important for a human baby(expressed or from the tap). I wouldn't refuse to bottle feed a baby though, especially a relatives.

 

I don't think her bonding has much to do with how she chose to feed the baby though. She is a first time mom right? Maybe she doesn't even know how important feeding time is for the baby (other than nourishment). Maybe she is exhausted like most moms with a baby this age and just needs some help. Who knows?

 


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#64 of 89 Old 05-09-2011, 10:02 PM
 
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I wouldn't want to feed the baby a bottle of formula either. Formula smells bad. Babies who drink formula(or even BM from a bottle) tend to spit up more, and dribble and the spit up from formula not only smells terrible, but it stains.

 

That said, I've formula fed a friend's baby when said friend was in a bind. No biggie, to me. She can prepare the bottle, and give it to me, I'll feed the hungry baby. If mom was out of the house, I'd make the bottle and feed the baby. If other people were around who were willing to feed the baby, then fine, let them feed the baby. 

 

I used to give DS about 4oz of formula every week or so, and if someone else was around who I thought might like to feed him, then I let them. They get to enjoy feeding DS and I get a break. 

 

But if you don't feel comfortable with bottle feeding your nephew, then don't. Be busy when baby is hungry, or find the nearest relative and say "want to feed him?"

 

 


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#65 of 89 Old 05-09-2011, 11:17 PM
 
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What really jumps out at me is how much judgement this thread has!  

 

APToddler mama has some really great points!   You never, never really know what goes into a person's decision to breast feed or bottle feed. There are sooooo many potential reasons a mom may choose to bottle feed, and really, many of them are probably very personal and not something a mom may want to share with the whole world - no mom owes anyone an explanation for how she feeds her baby.  I have known moms who have chosen not to breast feed for many reasons - a mom who was sexually assaulted and had issues with her body and boundaries, a mom who was bipolar and needed to be on a medicine that wasn't compatible with breast feeding, a mom who was suffering form PP depression and simply needed to be able to have a break from her child and not have the sole responsibility of providing for every need (that could come off as "lazy" - yikes!) and the list goes on.....  I am all for breast feeding - I breast fed my son until he was over 2 years old.  Since then, I had breast cancer and bilateral mastectomy.  We hope to adopt - and I obviously won't be breast feeding that baby.  I know people jump to conclusions, which is sad to me....at the same time, I don't feel like I owe the world any explanation why I would be bottle feeding a baby.  Sometimes the reason for a person's decision is more obvious, and sometimes it is less obvious.  My feeling is that the world would be a much better place if we acknowledge that we rarely know why a person is doing exactly what they are doing, assume they are doing the best they can in that moment and then be as loving towards them as possible.  So, in this instance, I would say it is totally healthy to acknowledge your feelings that you think breast feeding is best and it is clearly the decision you would make for your child; acknowledge that you probably don't know exactly why your SIL is bottle feeding; and then love on your little nephew as much as you can, including feeding him if you have the chance to spend time with him that way.  

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#66 of 89 Old 05-09-2011, 11:39 PM
 
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I grew up feeding babies, and to be honest, it was a chore I didn't like.  It was a chore that many didn't like, apparently, because they were always trying to get me to do it, although sometimes had friends who visited who wanted to do it.  My younger sister had two children by the time she was 18, they were a year apart and I would babysit them for her, and some days it was easier to prop the bottle, so I did.  The two year old needed more attention, so bottle propping was easier at times, not only for me, but for others in my family.  I know some people like to give bottles to babies, some don't.  Some people like holding babies, some don't.  I'm thinking if she asks you to feed the bottle, just give a polite "Oh, no thank you, perhaps X would like to have a chance" or something. 

 

I realize it is harder with relatives, but I was visiting some friends with my new baby, and I held her out to a woman, and she took her.  And then she said, rather shocked, "Amy, you gave me your baby, you shouldn't just hand her to me without asking me first."  She really didn't feel comfortable holding my baby.  I apologized to her, because I realized I had just assumed she'd want to hold my baby, who wouldn't want to hold my wonderful baby?  Sheepish.gif  But my husband will never hold someone else's baby, it makes him very uncomfortable as well.  He just jokes about it like, "No, sorry, I know it's a you break it, you buy it policy" or "I'm only willing to risk breaking my own baby, not anyone else's."

 

I've known women who chose to bottlefeed, not breastfeed, and at least one of them said she always held her baby to feed them the bottles, even when they were old enough to hold their own.  It was a bonding thing for her, she felt it was important.  But I don't think there is anyway to say something like that without sounding judgmental--I mean you could say, "Oh, no thanks, that's such an important bonding moment, I don't want to deprive your or <father's name> of that" but that would sound passive-aggresive even if you meant it sincerely.  And I don't think that only mother's need to feed bottles to their baby, but I do think that someone who cares should be there interacting with the baby.  

 

I didn't like feeding bottles to babies as a kid and teen because it tied me down.  My older sister and younger sister both asked to do it because they had things they wanted to do instead.  I just felt trapped in a chair with both hands occupied, I couldn't even scratch my nose or hold a book.  Seriously, it was one of the reasons I thought I might breastfeed, I thought it might be easier (I didn't know I'd have to hold my breast too, and that I'd wish I had 4 arms in the beginning).  But if she asks you could say, "No thanks, why don't you take a break and feed him, and I can help you finish what you were doing."  That's kind of going from the angle that one of the benefits of breastfeeding is that it forces you to take a break from whatever you are doing, and really, that's not unique to breastfeeding.  So maybe if you can do a chore for her, she'll be happy with that.

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#67 of 89 Old 05-10-2011, 12:36 AM
 
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The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?

 

I personally would not be comfortable feeding solids to a 2 month old. Should I schedule an appointment with a therapist?

 

OP--I understand why you asked for advice. You are not comfortable with the way your SIL is feeding her baby. You do not want to offend her or hurt her feelings, right? So you wanted advice on how to decline feeding her baby, without her catching on. You also wanted to vent to faceless people on the internet (instead of complaining to somebody you know, because you don't want it to get back to your SIL.) You are trying to spare her feelings, and figure out how to deal with a situation that makes you uncomfortable. So, why are you being flamed? Because you have an opinion that is in the minority.

 

All of you who disagree.....do you know the ingredients of most formulas? And you still want to put that junk into a tiny baby? Now, if it is a healthy organic type of formula, that's a different story. But most formulas are disgusting waste, and it is a shame they sell the stuff for babies. I wouldn't want to give a baby fluoride laced nursery water either. Nor would I want to hand a McDonald's cheeseburger over to a little baby. These examples make me uncomfortable. I would try to find a polite way to get out of the situation, without alerting or offending the parent.

 

Maybe my point is this--you are allowed to have personal judgments, but keep them to yourself, and don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Yep, that sums it up!


 
 
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#68 of 89 Old 05-10-2011, 03:37 AM
 
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OP are you still even reading?  People have been very cruel in order to teach you not to be cruel here!  Nothing like a slap to teach No Hitting now is there?

 

I think i understand.  Both sides.

 

When i had DD1 i co-slept (bear with me).  I had a work colleague who told me not to.  She had lost a baby to SIDS 17 years earlier, and the doctors at the time had completely convinced her that it was because he was in her bed that he had died.  I co-slept, knowing the ways to make it as safe as possible, and knowing it was the right thing for our bonding and our BFing relationship (i actually lost my milk at 7months PP, having had to supplement from 4months, due to a thyroid issue).  Periodically i called into work and she would ask and when i said yes, i was co-sleeping still, she would react angrily and demand to know why and i would explain again the things i did to make it safer.  One day, when DD was about 9 or 10weeks old i got an email from her.  In it she said how disgusting i was, how she could not believe i would risk my baby's life for such a ridiculous thing as breastfeeding, how she had bonded to her younger 2 fine without co-sleeping.  She said, in that email, "every time you go to bed with your daughter you kill my baby one more time".

 

Now, that was an incredibly strong reaction, and at the time i deleted the email and never spoke to her again.  But now i understand more.  Her loss was unspeakably painful for her.  She had not fully dealt with that pain (can anyone?  Is a lifetime long enough to get over such a loss?) and the knowledge that someone such as me, someone she saw as intelligent and thoughtful, could do what she believed was responsible for her child's death just made her so incredible angry and sad.  She had been through SO SO MUCH and she was thoroughly repelled by my behaviour.

 

Perhaps it is similar to what you feel about BFing?  You went through a massive amount of pain, illness, hardship and effort to BF your children.  You went to hell and back top give them human milk.  Perhaps therefore it is seriously painful for you to watch someone who could have done what you did WITHOUT all of that pain nonchalantly decide not to.  It was almost life-and-death for you to decide to BF, it must be very painful indeed to watch someone else casually choose not to.  Perhaps there is still a lot of trauma there, inside you, surrounding that journey?  I know after i lost my milk with #1 i felt so bitter towards both those who didn't try to BF and those who tried and succeeded.  It was NOT FAIR!  I tried so hard and had such a tough time, how could they do it (or decide not to do it) so easily!?

 

So from that POV i really understand why giving a bottle might be just too too painful for you.  All of the struggle and battle you went through to NOT give your babies a bottle - you probably only succeeded because of a rejection of bottle-feeding, an IRON determination to BF.  Are you supposed to be able to let all of that go, the psychological weapons you NEEDED to feed your babies how you wanted to, in a heart-beat just because it's someone else's baby?  I think that's a big ask.  I don't think you're trying to be superior or cruel, i think you developed an aversion to the bottle as a way of helping you secure your victory to BF, and that it is deeply enough ingrained that it's hard for you to "let go".  I would guess this has nothing to do with SIL, or her feelings (i don't mean you're callous, i mean this is a reaction of YOUR internal feelings, not you seeking to alter hers).

 

On the other hand, i can see that in reality it's unlikely that SIL is FFing because of not wanting to bond, or passing the baby about because of that either.  If it's SIL's #1 maybe she's finding the transition hard (and her body is probably acting like her baby died, since chemically that's what not BFing tells the brain).  I BFed DD1 as long as i could, but i certainly struggled a lot with motherhood.  And i loved to pump and let someone else feed the baby, because i NEEDED a break, y/k?  I know you know.  I'm sure you're familiar with that feeling of being totally overstretched!

 

So i want to pose you a question - if SIL was BFing and you had milk, would you cross-nurse your nephew if she asked you to?  Cross-nursing is how women in more enlightened cultures share the load of mothering.  You don't (i assume, could be wrong!) have milk, and this baby isn't able to nurse (and i know he WOULD have been, but he hasn't learned so the outcome on the given day you hold him is the same, yes?  He cannot nurse at the breast), so giving him a bottle is how in this specific situation you can share this aspect of the mothering load with SIL.  I know it isn't the same.  I know it.  But it's "the same" as possible in this situation.

 

Of course you are always welcome to NOT want to share the load with her in this way, and in that case i suggest you find different but reasonable excuses each time (so she doesn't feel judged).  Such as "you know, i promised DC that i'd read that new story book" or "i've been hogging him in the sling all morning, maybe daddy would like to have a snuggle now?" or "i really need to run and get (*make it something critical or something THEY mentioned needing*) i'll go now while you feed him so we can do XYZ-fun-thing when you're done".

 

Hugs to you, these are hard feelings to navigate.  I think you're doing good! :)

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#69 of 89 Old 05-10-2011, 03:41 AM
 
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But most formulas are disgusting waste, and it is a shame they sell the stuff for babies. I wouldn't want to give a baby fluoride laced nursery water either. Nor would I want to hand a McDonald's cheeseburger over to a little baby

Did you seriously just compare formula to a cheeseburger?

With a straight face?


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*possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...


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#71 of 89 Old 05-10-2011, 05:27 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeckyBird View Post

The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?

 

I personally would not be comfortable feeding solids to a 2 month old. Should I schedule an appointment with a therapist?

 

OP--I understand why you asked for advice. You are not comfortable with the way your SIL is feeding her baby. You do not want to offend her or hurt her feelings, right? So you wanted advice on how to decline feeding her baby, without her catching on. You also wanted to vent to faceless people on the internet (instead of complaining to somebody you know, because you don't want it to get back to your SIL.) You are trying to spare her feelings, and figure out how to deal with a situation that makes you uncomfortable. So, why are you being flamed? Because you have an opinion that is in the minority.

 

All of you who disagree.....do you know the ingredients of most formulas? And you still want to put that junk into a tiny baby? Now, if it is a healthy organic type of formula, that's a different story. But most formulas are disgusting waste, and it is a shame they sell the stuff for babies. I wouldn't want to give a baby fluoride laced nursery water either. Nor would I want to hand a McDonald's cheeseburger over to a little baby. These examples make me uncomfortable. I would try to find a polite way to get out of the situation, without alerting or offending the parent.

 

Maybe my point is this--you are allowed to have personal judgments, but keep them to yourself, and don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Yep, that sums it up!


No, I wouldn't feed solids to a 2mo old. But the AAP, CDC, and WHO don't say they're an appropriate substitute for breastmilk, either, and they do say that for formula. You're comparing apples and oranges. Whether or not it personally makes you uncomfortable is not the litmus test for whether something is reasonable or not.

 

The ingredients in formula are pretty much standardized and they are heavily regulated by the government. The difference between organic and regular is that organic uses organic milk and vegetable oils. Contrary to popular belief here on MDC, regular formula (I've checked both Enfamil and Similac regular) do NOT contain table sugar or HFCS; their sugar is lactose. (Lactose free, soy, and hydrolyzed formulas use an alternative sweetener, but this is true across the board--if you could buy organic Nutramigen, it would still have corn syrup in it, to keep it lactose-free.) In fact, it was an organic formula that contained sucrose (table sugar) instead of lactose a couple of years back.

 

Every time formula feeding comes up on MDC, someone compares it to McDonalds. The comparison is a fail. Formula is the ONLY appropriate substitute when breastmilk is unavailable. Please find me a reputable source saying that McDonalds is an appropriate substitute for anything. At 4 months, this baby has 2 realistic choices: Formula or starve. (I am aware of donor milk. Even if you could provide donor milk for this baby, there are millions of others. Donor milk is never going to replace formula.) The decision is done, the water is under the bridge, and acting disapproving isn't going to change anything.

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#72 of 89 Old 05-10-2011, 05:40 AM
 
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*possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...


I'm kind of with you on this (i was abused by a male relative for 7 years from the age of 5) BUT i also know a few women who were this way.  One never wore a well-fitted bra because after what her father had done (under the umbrella of SA, no idea of specifics) the idea of anyone looking at or touching her breasts was unbearable and brought on a disabling panic attack so she could never face trying on bras or having a fitting done.  She did actually try to BF her #1 and i witnessed one of her attempts.  She was grey, side-lying, with a pulse of 163 as she vomited into a paper hat (in the hospital) and shook and trembled as the one midwife she trusted tried to get her baby latched.  The baby, of course, did not persist in attempts sensing the effect the situation was having on her mother.  She FF afterwards and all the rest she went straight to FF.

 

I personally found unmedicated homebirth and breastfeeding to be incredibly empowering and, for me, was a "taking back" of some of the love and respect for my body my abuser stole from me.  But it just isn't for everyone.  For some women the damage is going to take longer than they will live to recover from, and those women should be supported to live their lives and have their families if they so choose, even if they end up using medication for birth and FF for feeding.  It has to be a balance of losses in those situations, yk?  Is it worse for a baby to miss out of BF, or for a woman to be forced to be childless until she can become "ok" about scars someone else left her with.  It's a bit like telling victims of SA they're not allowed to use lubricant - i had severe FSD (female sex dysfunction - couldn't get physically aroused) for years, really, over a decade.  I NEEDED that lubricant to have any sort of normal relationship (i accept others don't feel that way about sex, but i did).  It wasn't ideal.  But it made my life much better.

 

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I certainly wasn't trying to say they should do it against their will-just saying it shouldn't be assumed they wouldn't do it.


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#74 of 89 Old 05-10-2011, 06:15 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeckyBird View Post

The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?

 

I personally would not be comfortable feeding solids to a 2 month old. Should I schedule an appointment with a therapist?

 

OP--I understand why you asked for advice. You are not comfortable with the way your SIL is feeding her baby. You do not want to offend her or hurt her feelings, right? So you wanted advice on how to decline feeding her baby, without her catching on. You also wanted to vent to faceless people on the internet (instead of complaining to somebody you know, because you don't want it to get back to your SIL.) You are trying to spare her feelings, and figure out how to deal with a situation that makes you uncomfortable. So, why are you being flamed? Because you have an opinion that is in the minority.

 

All of you who disagree.....do you know the ingredients of most formulas? And you still want to put that junk into a tiny baby? Now, if it is a healthy organic type of formula, that's a different story. But most formulas are disgusting waste, and it is a shame they sell the stuff for babies. I wouldn't want to give a baby fluoride laced nursery water either. Nor would I want to hand a McDonald's cheeseburger over to a little baby. These examples make me uncomfortable. I would try to find a polite way to get out of the situation, without alerting or offending the parent.

 

Maybe my point is this--you are allowed to have personal judgments, but keep them to yourself, and don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Yep, that sums it up!



That's like saying you are only ok with feeding your kid organic carrots and anyone who is feeding their children NOT organic carrots may as well be feeding them McDonalds.  Sure you COULD think that, but you'd be just as wrong and inaccurate as you are here.  Has anyone argued that breastmilk isn't the most optimal food for infants here?  Anyone?  Nope.  They haven't.  But it is NOT the same as feeding them McDonald's.  Last I checked, after having watched "Supersize Me", I've never heard of a doctor concerned about liver disease or hypertension and heart disease from a baby eating infant formula everyday, but they sure as hell are when you eat McDonald's everyday. 


 

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Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

*possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...



Not all women react to sexual assaults the same way.  I know some women who found birth and breastfeeding empowering.  Some wanted a completely natural, unmedicated birth.  Others who wanted the epidural before the first contraction.  Others who wanted absolutely no internal exams, and others who wanted to opt for a straight c=section.    Some women can't stand to have their breasts touched under any circumstances while others find it helps them see their breasts in a non-sexual light.  I'm not going to tell a sexual abuse survivor that they are doing it wrong because of how they handle both children and childbirth along with their fall out from sexual assault so long as their children are being taken care of. 


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I'm removing this, for the time being. My kid is sick and I don't have time to wade through it, and it's been reported twice, and I won't be back on until late tonight. I'll take a look at it when I am able to.

Edited to add: Could we all remember to keep the discussion civil? We can disagree with each other, and even express strong negative feelings about an issue, in ways that preserve a respectful and welcoming atmosphere.

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#76 of 89 Old 05-11-2011, 06:27 PM
 
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I'm really glad that this isn't the first time that I've ever been on MDC, because if it were, I would never come back after reading the horribly rude comments.  Just.......wow.

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#77 of 89 Old 05-13-2011, 08:30 PM
 
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PLEASE TAKE NOTE!!

 

For all who have posted in this thread so far: it is imperative that you go back through your threads and remove profanity.  There have been vulgar and profane words used within this thread, and we have begun to receive complaints from folks that it is offensive.  Per our user agreement, which you can quickly and easily find linked in my siggy, you are not to engage in profanity on the boards.  I'll give everyone a chance to clean up their posts and remove profanity (swearing) before I go through and begin issuing warnings to those posts in offense.  Thank you!

Let's work together to keep this community respectful, dignified, and kind to others.  The words we say today can often come back to hurt us tomorrow.  Think about what you're saying before you send off a heated response, please.  peace.gif


 

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#78 of 89 Old 05-14-2011, 06:03 AM
 
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you know what?  in two years or less, none of your concerns will matter and you'll have a sweet toddler to hang out with. 

people formula feed.  for lots of reasons.  my friend has a disease which makes her unable to breastfeed and i doubt she'd be interested in sharing that information with judgey strangers or close family either.  i gave bottles to her sweet little babies.  and now they're not babies anymore.  i think people forget that they can move past all of this pretty quickly. 

apparently people seem to forget how difficult it is to be a new parent, though, and to need support of any kind.  personally, i was so overwhelmed when i had dd that it might have truly sent me over the edge if i had felt judged or rejected like that by somebody i valued.  eek.


Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

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#79 of 89 Old 05-14-2011, 06:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Pynki View Post


 



That's like saying you are only ok with feeding your kid organic carrots and anyone who is feeding their children NOT organic carrots may as well be feeding them McDonalds.  Sure you COULD think that, but you'd be just as wrong and inaccurate as you are here.  Has anyone argued that breastmilk isn't the most optimal food for infants here?  Anyone?  Nope.  They haven't.  But it is NOT the same as feeding them McDonald's.  Last I checked, after having watched "Supersize Me", I've never heard of a doctor concerned about liver disease or hypertension and heart disease from a baby eating infant formula everyday, but they sure as hell are when you eat McDonald's everyday. 


 



Not all women react to sexual assaults the same way.  I know some women who found birth and breastfeeding empowering.  Some wanted a completely natural, unmedicated birth.  Others who wanted the epidural before the first contraction.  Others who wanted absolutely no internal exams, and others who wanted to opt for a straight c=section.    Some women can't stand to have their breasts touched under any circumstances while others find it helps them see their breasts in a non-sexual light.  I'm not going to tell a sexual abuse survivor that they are doing it wrong because of how they handle both children and childbirth along with their fall out from sexual assault so long as their children are being taken care of. 


WHERE did I say they were doing something wrong if they can't BF of naturally birth?! I didn't! All I said was I am an SA survivor and I did those things so don't assume if you have suffered SA it can't be done. THAT IS ALL I SAID and I said it b/c I felt it was implied that "the victim can't possibly BF b/c it's a trigger" just like it was assumed my birth would have been.

I support any woman's decision as long as she isn't harming her baby.

 


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#80 of 89 Old 05-16-2011, 07:49 AM
 
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I sometimes wonder if people really think about what they are saying before they post it on a message board - the judgement and snark sometimes is pretty out of control.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeckyBird View Post

The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?

 

I personally would not be comfortable feeding solids to a 2 month old. Should I schedule an appointment with a therapist?

 

OP--I understand why you asked for advice. You are not comfortable with the way your SIL is feeding her baby. You do not want to offend her or hurt her feelings, right? So you wanted advice on how to decline feeding her baby, without her catching on. You also wanted to vent to faceless people on the internet (instead of complaining to somebody you know, because you don't want it to get back to your SIL.) You are trying to spare her feelings, and figure out how to deal with a situation that makes you uncomfortable. So, why are you being flamed? Because you have an opinion that is in the minority.

 

All of you who disagree.....do you know the ingredients of most formulas? And you still want to put that junk into a tiny baby? Now, if it is a healthy organic type of formula, that's a different story. But most formulas are disgusting waste, and it is a shame they sell the stuff for babies. I wouldn't want to give a baby fluoride laced nursery water either. Nor would I want to hand a McDonald's cheeseburger over to a little baby. These examples make me uncomfortable. I would try to find a polite way to get out of the situation, without alerting or offending the parent.

 

Maybe my point is this--you are allowed to have personal judgments, but keep them to yourself, and don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Yep, that sums it up!


Honestly, your comparison is plain old offensive. Formula is not disgusting waste - it is the only appropriate breast milk alternative available for feeding infants before they are old enough to eat solids. What exactly do you suggest that parents feed their non-breastfed babies if formula were suddenly to become unavailable.

And the McDonald's comparison - tired and simply ridiculous.
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#81 of 89 Old 05-16-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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I think you need to try to be more open minded & respect her wishes especially if you want to be close with the baby. I too breastfeed but would have no problem feeding someone else's baby formula. Obviously if it were my baby it would be different. Many many many babies formula feed probably more so than breastfeed & are very healthy. I am very into cloth diapers but by no means would try to force that on anyone. If I were babysitting someone else's child and they want me to use Pampers I would do it. I just wouldn't want them on my child & i would expect someone to give me the same respect & not put disposables on the baby. She's the parent & you need to respect her wishes to be close to the baby & not give her added stress that seems unnecessary. I didn't read the earlier posts so I'm probably just mimicing others. I don't think she's doing her harm by feeding her formula so I wouldn't make it an issue, I 'm sure she is already aware of your beliefs.

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#82 of 89 Old 05-16-2011, 11:46 AM
 
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OP, I understand.  I babysat my friend's little boy a while ago, and it nearly broke my heart to make up his bottle of formula (which unfortunately despite a suggestion to the contrary on this thread *has* been found to increase a person's risk of cardiovascular disease, and many other health conditions).  My feelings had absolutely nothing to do with judging his mum for not breastfeeding (not relevant, as it so happened that breastfeeding him at this point was just not possible). 

 

You are not talking about denying him food, simply that you would have a hard time giving it to him, which given the struggles that you have worked so hard to overcome in order to breastfeed is completely understandable.

 

Hidden in this thread, in places, are some great suggestions as to how to deal with the situation if it arises.  It sounds as if you'll have some great opportunities to snuggle and bond with your nephew during your holiday, and to give your sister-in-law a break.  I wouldn't feel at all bad for handing him back to a parent when he needs to eat, and I doubt that anyone would find it strange :).

 

Have a lovely time with your family.

xx

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#83 of 89 Old 05-16-2011, 12:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

*possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...



First...I am sorry you had to go through that.  I was one of the people who pointed out sexual assault being a possible trigger/reason a mother could choose not to breastfeed.  I did not say anything like those who have been sexually assaulted can't/don't want to breastfeed and I did not see a single other thread stating that either.  Don't discount the experiences of other women just because you were able to breastfeed despite being a survivor of sexual assault.  Not everyone processes or experiences sexual assault or breastfeeding the same way.  Because you were sexually assaulted doesn't mean you will necessarily face the same breastfeeding challenges other moms might face that prevent them from being able to nurse.  Mom's mental health is incredibly important too, and if she feels like breastfeeding is detrimental to her own mental health, I don't know why she should continue.

 

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#84 of 89 Old 05-16-2011, 04:47 PM
 
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Here we go again I did not say anything discounting a mother's personal choice or experience. I guess I just *felt* offended that it was assumed a SA woman wouldn't be able to do it. I just hear that assumption a lot and it bothers me b/c it's not always true.


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#85 of 89 Old 05-16-2011, 06:48 PM
 
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Here we go again I did not say anything discounting a mother's personal choice or experience. I guess I just *felt* offended that it was assumed a SA woman wouldn't be able to do it. I just hear that assumption a lot and it bothers me b/c it's not always true.



Nobody assumed that though.  That was my point. 

 

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#86 of 89 Old 05-17-2011, 05:05 AM
 
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Right so I thought that I just explained it was me who *felt* it was assumed. OK I retract my statement! Happy?

 

I am just really sensitive to it b/c everyone told me I couldn't have a natural birth or BF b/c of what happened. So it is totally a personal thing and I guess I just took it the wrong way so SORRY.

 

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#87 of 89 Old 05-17-2011, 02:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyBear View Post

Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not denying the poor little guy anything! I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form! I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together. I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him. If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly. I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason. That is just cruel. Please don't slap that label on me. I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad. Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby. It is wonderful to watch. I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice. Sorry for making that mistake.


How is it possible that you can see a lack of bonding between the mom and baby after only having seen them together once - just because a mother chooses to not breastfeed her child in no way means that they are not bonded.

I just wanted to chime in here that I am dealing with the same thing and am trying to get past it. It's very hard when someone can judge your decision to BF, openly, but if you judge theirs, your a monster. It is a very touchy subject especially when a mom thinks she can't BF or didn't want to try.

Tolerance is difficult for me when BF is such a positive, both nutritionally and emotionally. The fact that new moms today are wasting money, time and effort on NOT BF is sad, IMHO. I salute you for persevering through medical difficulties to BF your children! All you can do is gently ask if she wants to join you at a LLL meeting or go with you to a babywearing class. If she declines, you tried and just being there for her is better then nothing. I'm finding it difficult to even talk to my SIL again but I know that with time and reflection/reframing I will get over it and so will she, and hopefully then we can hang out more. Tolerance is definitely my latest obstacle. wink1.gif

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#88 of 89 Old 05-17-2011, 04:26 PM
 
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I wouldn't invite her to a LLL meeting, personally. To me, that would seem really pushy and besides, what is she going to get out of it at this point?  If she shows any interest in BF her next baby, of course I'd offer her as much information and support as I could, but for now what's done is done (I don't see relactation as a realistic option here). If you really truly can't handle giving the baby a bottle of formula, just hand him off at feeding time, although I personally have given many babies formula (as a relative, nanny, babysitter, etc) and it can be a fun and bonding experience if you let it be.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by tillymonster View Post



I just wanted to chime in here that I am dealing with the same thing and am trying to get past it. It's very hard when someone can judge your decision to BF, openly, but if you judge theirs, your a monster. It is a very touchy subject especially when a mom thinks she can't BF or didn't want to try.

Tolerance is difficult for me when BF is such a positive, both nutritionally and emotionally. The fact that new moms today are wasting money, time and effort on NOT BF is sad, IMHO. I salute you for persevering through medical difficulties to BF your children! All you can do is gently ask if she wants to join you at a LLL meeting or go with you to a babywearing class. If she declines, you tried and just being there for her is better then nothing. I'm finding it difficult to even talk to my SIL again but I know that with time and reflection/reframing I will get over it and so will she, and hopefully then we can hang out more. Tolerance is definitely my latest obstacle. wink1.gif


 

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#89 of 89 Old 05-20-2011, 03:35 AM
 
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Quote:
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Right so I thought that I just explained it was me who *felt* it was assumed. OK I retract my statement! Happy?

 

I am just really sensitive to it b/c everyone told me I couldn't have a natural birth or BF b/c of what happened. So it is totally a personal thing and I guess I just took it the wrong way so SORRY.

 

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O/T, but i'm a survivor too (i posted upthread on this) and i have to say i totally get sensitive too.  It's the whole "oh you NEVER get over that!" element that comes with SA.  It's totally rude to tell fat people they'll never be thin or cancer patients they'll definitely die, but it's fine to tell a SA survivor they'll never get over it, every aspect of their life will be affected etc. etc.  I know no-on on this thread made those assumptions but they're pretty darn common throughout society.  The idea of sexual abuse being a permanent stain on one's being/sense of self is WHY everyone is so hysterical about paedophilia in our society.  So i understand your sensitivity.  *hugs*
 

 

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