Breastfeeding criticism has begun and baby is only 4 months .... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 12:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husbands grandmother is already bringing on the hate. She told me a couple times that I cannot bf past 6 months and that I have to "teach him the bottle" etc ...

So I obviously know the benefits of breast milk and I ignore. But today she is on the phone with DH and tells her I'm asleep with the baby(i was right with him) - and she goes on and on to my DH and I feel so angry about that!

I plan to use child led weaning. So let's see what she thinks ...

Ps I never bring up bf'ing or any of our personal parenting choices ...

How do you handle things like this???
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#2 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 12:44 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would be a sarcastic bitch about it, but I also have no shame :)

You can tell her very kinldy "Thanks for your conern, I'm so pleased that you loved my baby so much that you would be worried about him, but I can assure you I know exactly what I am doing, and since I am his mother this is not up for discussion."

 

 

Good luck ?

 

happy new year!


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#3 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 12:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow. Best response ever. I need to make a notecard of that and memorize! That will be my default answer.

I have such a great bf relationship with my baby and I feel so blessed but instead of being proud and congratulating me, dhs grandma( and once upon a time his mom and sister) are pushing bottles ... Wth. I hate it.
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#4 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 02:04 PM
 
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I've found that most MIL's, aunties, SIL's, etc. are trying to make their personal decisions ok. Likely the fact that you are doing so well and loving your BF relationship so much is causing her to feel insecure about the feeding decisions she made (or more likely, that were made for her) for her children. It's hard but reminding yourself (and maybe saying to her) that she did the best she could with the information and support that she had at the time, but that you are lucky enough now to have better information and better support now...well, that might help you take her advice as she probably means to give it: as love and concern.

 

FWIW I see this all the time, a new mom with her baby, really wants to EBF, or not circumsize, or bedshare, or even not practice CIO, being bombarded by the women in her life wanting her to go against her instinct...and I do believe this comes from a place of those women wanting to wanting and needing to believe that what they did for their children was what was and still is best.

 

Have no shame mama...be out an proud in your parenting decisions and just simply refuse to discuss it. If DH can't muster up the ovaries to stand firm, that's his problem. Be strong and feel settled in your decision.s I promise there will be things we are doing now that we will feel the ned to defend on day...karm right?


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#5 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 02:05 PM
 
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sorry about the typos...nak

 

:)


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#6 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 02:15 PM
 
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Oh, and next time you see her I would ask what kind of carseat she used for her kids...told you, I'm a shameless bitch :)

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#7 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 02:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Lololol ...

I needed to vent and I'm thankful you're there!!!!

I wish women irl were as supportive and encouraging as mothering.com!
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#8 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 03:31 PM
 
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I hated that stuff as well and it's sometimes a little funny to remind them they came from an era where they smoked while pregnant, put their babies in piles of comforters and pillows, put them to sleep in fire hazardous clothes and held them on their lap while they drove. 

 

And they think we're nuts for breastfeeding beyond 6 months and co sleeping...

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#9 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 04:34 PM
 
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With people who were significantly older I always emphasized that I was following *current* AAP recommendations (even if I wasn't, lol).  So, something like, "Isn't it amazing how much recommendations change?  Now they're saying a MINIMUM of two years of nursing and just 20 years ago it was only 6 months minimum."  That both emphasizes you are doing what is considered best and that it has been quite a long time since the recommended MINIMUM was only 6 months.

 

Honestly, I think it gets better as you go for longer.  People generally just stop commenting at some point or assume you've given it up.  People never said anything about me nursing DD after she was 2 or so because they just assumed we had weaned unless they actually saw her nurse!


 

 

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#10 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 06:16 PM
 
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The other approach I've found effective with criticism from grandma or other older people is to cite the baby's doctor- "The doctor is very happy with how fast he's growing!  He says it's very important for him to nurse exclusively for at least six months before we even start solids, etc."  They're usually pretty ok with deferring to the pediatrician.  They don't really have to know that the doctor you're referring to is Dr. Sears and that the advice was given in a general sense, not necessarily to your individual child. 

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#11 of 21 Old 01-01-2012, 10:47 PM
 
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I agree with educating older people. I'm in my 50's. My father was breastfed because his family was too poor for formula. My mother got to have formula because her parents were rich and could give her wonderful prepared formula. Only the poor people breastfed in the 30s and they started giving babies homemade formula around 6 months. If you tell older relatives why you are breastfeeding then at least they know why even if they don't agree with your decisions. If your baby has been EBF you could even say something like, "I'm really proud that I have been able to feed my baby and not use any bottles. I don't plan on using any at all (assuming that is your plan)." Say it a nice way.

 

If she doesn't give up then just ignore her or stay away from her if it gets bad enough. You got to do what is best for your baby.  


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#12 of 21 Old 01-02-2012, 12:13 AM
 
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If you ever have a week day where the feeding is challenging and your women IRL are not supportive... I fed my son til he was past 3 years, returned to corporate role FT from 22 months and was the last of my playgroup to 'give up'. The midwives didn't think we'd make it beyond 2 weeks. You do exactly what you think is best. Role models and 'pacing partners' (to use a corporate term) are in short supply once we hit the 12 month mark here in Australia.

All power to you. I agree, I think his Nanna probably has some deep grief that sits behind the surface. And you know, eventually she may soften and find some healing. Maybe not. Kxx
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#13 of 21 Old 01-02-2012, 12:14 AM
 
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If you ever have a week day where the feeding is challenging and your women IRL are not supportive... I fed my son til he was past 3 years, returned to corporate role FT from 22 months and was the last of my playgroup to 'give up'. The midwives didn't think we'd make it beyond 2 weeks. You do exactly what you think is best. Role models and 'pacing partners' (to use a corporate term) are in short supply once we hit the 12 month mark here in Australia.

All power to you. I agree, I think his Nanna probably has some deep grief that sits behind the surface. And you know, eventually she may soften and find some healing. Maybe not. Kxx
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#14 of 21 Old 01-03-2012, 07:09 PM
 
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My MIL kept asking when I would wean DS1 so finally I said, "When he's 4 or 5" (he self weaned when he was 3) and they stopped asking. My MIL then just assumed I nursed DS2 for a long time I suppose because she didn't even ask and was surprised when she found out he had weaned young! Now with my 3rd she activly helped me nurse (keeping DD awake etc.) and had tons of questions and has been calling on me checking to see how DD is doing with nursing etc (never once mentioning formula or bottles - very different from her going and buying my formula when DS1 was a newborn lol).

 

I think once people realize you have made up your mind and will change it for no one they are more likely to leave you alone. I've noticed this with other parenting choices as well.

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#15 of 21 Old 01-03-2012, 07:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LilMomma83 View Post

I think once people realize you have made up your mind and will change it for no one they are more likely to leave you alone. I've noticed this with other parenting choices as well.


amen.

 

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#16 of 21 Old 01-03-2012, 08:10 PM
 
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As long as you know what's best, do it and try not to let the criticism get to you! I was in a similar situation-- my mom was aghast that I don't use formula or bottles (she believes I won't have enough milk), and my dad thinks I'm compromising the health of their granddaughter (he believes formula is best). My mom would even talk to other aunties and relatives, and try to get them to talk me out of breastfeeding. Once she saw I wasn't going to give up, she started to try to persuade me to stop by the time baby is 3 months, even having a nurse come to tell me that 3 months is enough. 

 

Now dd is 6 months, and we're still happily nursing. My mother still makes comments like "see, your daughter doesn't want your milk" when dd is too fussy to nurse, or tell other people at the dining table "she's afraid her baby will stop breastfeeding, that's why she doesn't give her solid food", and even said to me, "you are inhibiting your baby's growth." 

 

I used to get sooooooooooooo mad, and was once furious enough to tell her to shut up. It didn't help anything, and I regret my outburst.

 

I just look at my daughter and feel grateful that we do have a nursing relationship. I know I'm doing my best for her and I'm comfortable enough now to not care about what anybody says. It was tough at first though. Keep it up and good luck!!!


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#17 of 21 Old 01-04-2012, 09:43 PM
 
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Azhie...You should start recording all of the things your family says to you about the breastfeeding, like just write it down when they say so when you rDD is a thriving, intelligent, healthy, happy child you can sit them down and remind them of all the funny things they've said :)

 

You are incredible for keeping it up despite the complete lack of support. Kudos mama


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#18 of 21 Old 01-05-2012, 09:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama2ChicknLil View Post

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would be a sarcastic bitch about it, but I also have no shame :)

You can tell her very kinldy "Thanks for your conern, I'm so pleased that you loved my baby so much that you would be worried about him, but I can assure you I know exactly what I am doing, and since I am his mother this is not up for discussion."


I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one brash enough to use this response. :-) So I obviously second this recommendation. 

 


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#19 of 21 Old 01-05-2012, 10:14 PM
 
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Every person has a right to an opinion. As many people as many opinions. Now the problem is whith those who want us to follow their opinions. The question is what would happen  if we would follow every person's opinion? :) That is why a child has a mother and a mother makes the choices. I thank nicely those who give me

advice and I do what I darn good please :)

 

If you want a nice and short answer to give to those who suggest.. just tell them "I will think about it and I will do my own research"

then if they ask again say " I did think about it and I did my own research and I am going to stick to my gowns" :)

 

Luckily you are the one who is going to do all the work.

 

My thing when I was nursing and other family members would hiss.. I would usually say.. "mother-child relationship is very personal and

very private and no other people should interfear with it", I did not interfear with other's and I won't let nobody do interfear with mine.

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#20 of 21 Old 01-06-2012, 02:00 AM
 
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Thanks mama! The encouragement and support on mdc has been awesome and keeps me going in spite of doubts!

 

Lol, my family always finds something to pick on! It's funny-- they're proud of dd's intelligence and like to say it's because of her superior genes (them), but they say she's too small in size and too dark (mixed race baby). She is smaller than a formula-fed babies which people in Hong Kong see as the norm these days. 
 

I tell myself all the time that I'm the mother so I make the decisions. My mom and aunties had their chance at raising kids, now it's my turn. I haven't actually said this, but it almost came out a few times whenever I get lectured. 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama2ChicknLil View Post

Azhie...You should start recording all of the things your family says to you about the breastfeeding, like just write it down when they say so when you rDD is a thriving, intelligent, healthy, happy child you can sit them down and remind them of all the funny things they've said :)

 

You are incredible for keeping it up despite the complete lack of support. Kudos mama



 


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#21 of 21 Old 01-06-2012, 06:51 AM
 
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What she is recommending doesn't even make sense.  What could you possibly put in the bottle that would be better than breast milk, and if weaning is the goal, how does drinking from a bottle constitute being weaned?  I can see how drinking from a bottle would make parent-led weaning easier later (bottles can just disappear, but your breasts can't), but you don't plan to wean this way, and at any rate, it doesn't seem worth switching to a bottle just for this purpose.

 

The advice you've gotten so far seems good.  I would probably say something like, "Thank you for being concerned about it, but we're comfortable with what we're doing."

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