Opening myself up to the flames...but here goes... - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-08-2004, 01:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I truly hate nursing. I cringe every single time toddler asks to nurse. I feel almost on the verge of vomiting all over us both when she has an extended nursing session. I've tried gently cutting back. I've tried counting to ten so she knows she has to unlatch. I've tried everything I can think of, everything that's been suggested here, I can't take it anymore. I hate that our nursing relationship has deteriorated this much. I hate that I can't seem to find any joy in her lately. I hate that I resent her. I feel sad and frustrated and oh-so-very guilty, guilty, guilty. I hate this. I *never* wanted to tandem nurse. Never. I did it because I knew she wasn't ready to be weaned when we got pregnant again. I nursed throughout that pregnancy because I knew it was best for her. I told myself it would get better after the baby came. I told myself I wouldn't grit my teeth with just the feeling of her mouth on me. I told myself I could make it work for her sake. I've been doing it for over 10 months now. I keep telling myself it will get better eventually. I told myself if I nightweaned her, it would help. It didn't. I told myself that if I eliminated the snack nursings, it would help. It didn't. I wanted to give her the very best for as long as she wanted it.

I can't. I'm a failure. I can't, just can't do this anymore. I find myself thinking really, truly nasty things about her. Fighting urges to hurt her. Not that I would, but when she's collapsed at my feet screaming for "nilk" after she's just nursed for 20 minutes and I need to breathe so I don't throw up, my urge is to just kick her away from me.

I hate this. And I don't know how to change it. I can't continue this way. I can't wean her, she's still no where near ready.....and I don't know what to do anymore. And I needed to share my failure. Who the hell knows why. I sure don't.
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Old 07-08-2004, 01:28 AM
 
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I am so sorry. I am no expert, but i really think you need to address this. It cant be good for you, and certainly not for her.

I have no advice. Just a hug

we have many many moms here who can give you advice.
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Old 07-08-2004, 01:29 AM
 
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sometimes it makes my skin crawl when my older DD wants to nurse. But I don't feel that way all the time, just every now and then. I think that's pretty much normal.
But your post concerns me. It sounds like maybe you have other issues besides the tandem nursing. I think it might help to post about your feelings in the ppd forum. Hope you get some answers and some help soon!
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Old 07-08-2004, 01:30 AM
 
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What makes you think she has PPD?
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Old 07-08-2004, 01:38 AM
 
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I felt that way for a period of time when Baby and I were battling a yeast infection and didn't even know we had it. What really helped me was not just talking to sympathetic family and friends, but also the lactation consultants in my area were so helpful. It seems like even if your daughter isn't ready to wean, it's in both of your best interests to save your relationship to go ahead and wean. Talking to a good lactation consulant about how to do that is the way I'd go about it. Also, it sounds like you need some time for just YOU, without the baby or the toddler. If you can carve out at least an hour to yourself, without everyone bugging you about any little thing they can think of, you'll have more energy and be in better spirits (hopefully!)
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Old 07-08-2004, 01:47 AM
 
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Im so sorry your going through this. Is it just about the nursing or are there other stresses weighing on you? Im not trying to be nosy-just trying to help if I can. I hope someone can offer you good advice. Please let us know how your doing?
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Old 07-08-2004, 02:24 AM
 
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I don't have anything else to add to the great advice you've already received. Just wanted let you know that I think you are awesome for nursing and tandem nursing for so long. Hope things get better for you soon.
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Old 07-08-2004, 04:51 AM
 
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ot, but i love your siggie, village idiot...

that sounds miserable for both of you, mama. you deserve a giant congratulations for tandem nursing through all that. i battle the same feelings lately about my 22 mo old dd, though it's not quite on the level you're describing. there are still occassions where i cherish nursing, so those are keeping the relationship alive right now. i do empathize with that feeling you speak about, where you feel like exploding if she doesnt get off. for me, that moment is the worst at naptime, and especially bedtime. i've had to remove myself from her to cool off many times lately. it sounds like you're asking for support in weaning her, and i think it's a sad thing that you would feel you'd be flamed for that. not every one of us can effortlessly nurse for years at a time. there's another thread, i forget which one, where someone said that nursing is like marathon running. it's easy for some, takes some work for others. some love it and some hate it.
i think if you're feeling so negatively about your dd, it's time to wean. there's nothing wrong with you for feeling like this. there are some good threads about weaning gently here at mdc, just search. ((((hugs)))) shame on anyone who'd flame you. it's a hard thing to decide to do, but nursing is a relationship, and it's not healthy for either one of you when you're feeling so awful.

Erin, 33, salty southern mama, sitting by the sea with my DH35, DD10, DS4, &DD2!
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Old 07-08-2004, 05:24 AM
 
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How much time are you getting for just your self mama?
My feeling was that if you feel she is not ready, yet you are over ready, maybe a balance can be reached just by you having your own time to your self. Then the gradual weaning will not be such a torment for you.
I am EBing an almost 4 year old and slowly weaning (we are down to night time and morning), and sometimes I get that cringing feeling. However, when I get more time to myself, I have way more patience and clear headedness, and compassion to deal.
You are definitely not a failure!!!! To have moved into toddler hood breastfeeding and to start with an infant again is a HUGE feat!
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Old 07-08-2004, 02:32 PM
 
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i think i know what you are talking about , the hating to nurse. i posted about this feeing in "i am ready to wean and he isnt" on this board. one thing that recently happened to me is i saw myself in the mirror, nursing ds. and it really helped me reconnect with nursing. you might want to try that. i am not going to flame you if you dont try it though! i am sorry its so hard right now , i really understand and agree with others about time to yourself, etc. i follwed some of these same ladies advice and i feel alot better right now, and i was headed for weaning, myself... that isnt to say you shouldnt wean but maybe some part of you does not really want to wean yet and thats why its so hard?? i dont know, just trying to offer some thoughts.

go read my post (if you havent already) , and you can skim through some of the OT stuff that went on on there....i got alot of good advice that really helped me. and if anything, just keep posting here. as you can see you are going to get support and understanding

edited to add: if you are truly afraid you might hurt her, reach out to someone in your community for help. its time for you to really take some time for yourself and help yourself. do you have a friend who can watch kids while you take baths or do art or write in a journal or something like that?
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Old 07-08-2004, 02:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetbaby3
What makes you think she has PPD?
this does, sounds an awful lot like some of the feelings I had after my first was born, that I probably should have gotten professional help for and didn't. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe not. I don't think it would hurt for this mom to look into the possibility of depression causing her problems.
Quote:
I can't. I'm a failure. I can't, just can't do this anymore. I find myself thinking really, truly nasty things about her. Fighting urges to hurt her. Not that I would, but when she's collapsed at my feet screaming for "nilk" after she's just nursed for 20 minutes and I need to breathe so I don't throw up, my urge is to just kick her away from me.

I hate this. And I don't know how to change it. I can't continue this way. I can't wean her, she's still no where near ready.....and I don't know what to do anymore. And I needed to share my failure. Who the hell knows why. I sure don't.
Big Hugs, Mama! I hope you get some help soon!
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Old 07-08-2004, 03:04 PM
 
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Talk to a professional about depression. The strong words you used are indicative of a depression problem.

I started to get cringey when my second daughter was about 2 1/2. I weaned her. It was a good thing...(m I going to get flamed now?)
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Old 07-08-2004, 05:18 PM
 
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could you have an over-touch issue? I know when my husband works too much and when Baylor goes thru days and days of needing to be held/touched/nursed I feel the same way you do.

ARe you a sahm? Can someome give you a break away from babe so you can get yourself back together? How about getting a w3eekly massage or something? I know it's sure hard!

Maybe this isn't the issue at all- but just a thought!
Good Luck!
Kimberley
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Old 07-08-2004, 05:21 PM
 
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No flames from me. We all are different and have different levels of patience for different things.

I was thinking PPD too. Since this mom is now tandem nursing, that means there's a New in the house too. Congratulations!!!

APmom98, you are NOT NOT NOT a failure!!!

"What will you do once you know?"
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Old 07-08-2004, 05:55 PM
 
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I know exactly the feeling your getting, even though I don't tandem nurse and my daughter is just at the beginnings of toddlerhood. Within the last month of nursing my daughter I started getting a nauseaus feeling when she would nurse a long time. I would start to feel really antsy. I've actually noticed that it seems to be triggered when she stops actively nursing, her suck changes and it makes me sick to my stomach. Since it continued happening I decided to start ending the nursing session when I start feeling sick to my stomach. At first she would cry, even throw tantrums but I'd hold her and comfort her. Now she ends her feedings herself at almost the exact time that I start getting that sick feeling.

She obviously isn't ready to be weaned yet but I had to find a way for this to be acceptable or hopefully enjoyable to both of us. I think in the end forcing yourself to do something you find unpleasant and makes you feel resentful is going to be worse for your relationship than setting some boundaries for your own comfort.
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Old 07-08-2004, 08:23 PM
 
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APmom98, you are definitely not a failure for not enjoying extended nursing anymore.

I get that nauseous/antsy feeling too sometimes after a long session when she's more comfort nursing and being really active and pinching and things. If you are feeling that way all the time it sounds like you are touched out and worn out- Perhaps it is time to wean your toddler or cut way back. Please don't feel like a failure- You don't have to be "perfect" in the extended nursing marathon or pass some kind of AP test. Look at the other 99% of nursing moms in America and feel great about your accomplishment!

If you continue to feel this way it seems to me also that you should get some momma alone time or talk to a counselor about your feelings. You sound kind of stressed out at the moment. Sometimes I get that way so I think it is normal as long as it's not the majority of the time (but I'm no expert!) Just want to let you know you're not alone... it can be hard work and you've done a great job.

-Kelly
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Old 07-08-2004, 11:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meiri
Since this mom is now tandem nursing, that means there's a New in the house too.
APMOM, I hope you don't mind me speaking for you but...

I just wanted to clarify that her baby is 10 months old so she is not newly postpartum and she's been tandeming for 10 months. (I know because our babies are the same age! )

I just wanted to give you a and support. I know it's intense nursing a two year old. They do nurse so much, so I'm sure tandeming w/a two year old is very difficult and exhausting. I do think you sound very touched out and something definatley has to change. I don't think it's PPD. If anything you probably are a little depressed from sheer exhaustion and the frustration of not having enough of your own space and time. I also recall that your dh is military so you're alone a lot. That's so hard. It's hard enough on me and my dh works 70 hours per work. I can't imagine how hard it would be if he was just gone for weeks or months at a time. You're dealing with a lot and if there is anyway you can get a break and get some extra help and support w/the kids and around the house I think that would make a big difference.

I was also wondering if the toddler nurses in public? If she does nurse when you guys are out and about can you make it a "home only" thing. I think I recall she's already nightweaned or I'd recommend that too. I know it's harder for them to nurse when you're on the go and busy - even around the house. So, as much as you can try to not sit down (almost impossible I know ) I think would help. I know complete weaning can be a lot of work in and of itself and it sounds like you don't want to wean but feel like you need to, so maybe some little things like this would be a good start to help encourage less nursing sessions.

Sorry I couldn't be more help. You're NOT a failure. You're a wonderful mother. You've just been stretched too thin right now. I hope things get better for you soon.
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Old 07-08-2004, 11:19 PM
 
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No flames here. Weaning sounds like a good choice in this case, and I would certainly not think less of it. That feeling is why I had to night-wean, then day-wean, then was happy for several months on morning and bedtime nursings. We each do what we can.

I'm just curious - do you know anything about when you were weaned and how? Do you think you have anything in your personal history that could explain why this feeling is so strong for you?

Pardon me for being invasive. I totally admire you for trying so hard to work through your feelings by losing nursings and I really respect you for recognizing your limits without just *submitting* to them without a fight.

Nancy
mom to Emily (4.5) and nursling Hazel (almost 2!)
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Old 07-08-2004, 11:28 PM
 
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You are not a failure, you are an exhausted mother struggling. I admire you for tandem nursing.

Nursing a 2 yo is VERY HARD for many of us. I just want to crawl out of my skin sometimes when ds nurses. The thing no one tells you is how much 2 yos nurse. They nurse like newborns. Sometimes wild, rough newborns.

Also, we all have different "touch" threshholds, and when yours is maxed out, that is an issue that needs to be honored.

Good luck to you.

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Old 07-08-2004, 11:35 PM
 
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oh honey, BIG HUG for you! you are certainly not a failure!! sounds like from what mamaallnatural said: mothering a 2 year old + a 10 month old, tandem nursing, hubby awayfrom home a lot...you've got your hands more than full. shame on anyone who would flame a mama in your shoes!

i would agree with everyone who said to try hard to get some time for yourself if at all possible. the small amounts of time i take to myself absolutely save my sanity.

but i would also say that weaning the older child sounds like a good idea right now. i remember reading someplace that sometimes the negative feelings a mother has towards her older child are biologically-based (sort of a protective mama-bear thing to protect the most vulnerable, younger child).

ahhh...gotta go...kids about to get into it....
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Old 07-08-2004, 11:52 PM
 
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APMom98

Bless. Your. Heart.

I, too, have feelings like you describe with my 2 year old. But only sometimes--and I don't another baby like you do! I can see why you are feeling so crazy. Poor thing.

Donning flame proof suit: I believe that nursing is best continued so long as it is MUTUALLY desired. I'm not gonna write a whole essay about it, but that's just what I believe. If you decide to wean, get info. from ladies here who have done it. And then dO it gradually and lovingly.

Good luck to you--and I agree, you are not a failure--far from it.
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Old 07-09-2004, 12:32 AM
 
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to you, mama.

My DS is 2.5 and I would say that our nursing relationship has really, really changed over the past 6 months. There are have nights when we're both in tears b/c nursing hurts for me now (I'm 36 weeks preggers) and I've gotten the "nails on a blackboard" feeling while nursing that makes me want to run from the room.

To be honest, I had hoped to wean during this pregnancy. We are now down to 1-2x/day. And sometimes that seems too much. Sometimes I'm uncertain why I've continued so long when my feelings have been so strong. But I just KNOW how much he loves it. And I had a LLL leader say to me once that kids want us whether we're angry, smelly, grumpy, etc.
BUT, when the feelings get as strong as it seems yours are getting, it may be time to reevaluate.

Also, I agree with some of the other posters re: depression. It may make sense to just try to get some information about PPD. Depression could be causing some of these strong feelings. Best of luck to you.
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Old 07-09-2004, 12:38 AM
 
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okay, kids are now off to bed, so i'll finish my thought...

since when did parent-initiated weaning become such a horrible thing? gentle, gradual weaning, is certainly not a negative thing (heck, in some situations and with children of certain personalities, cold-turkey is a positive thing). weaning actually can often be a really positive thing (for both the child and the mother). if you're feeling such negative things towards your older child and you believe they have to do with not wanting to continue nursing her, by all means, WEAN. there is a great book called "how weaning happens" which is published by LLL. it has some really good ideas on how to initiate weaning.

i've said this before and i'll say it again, NO mama should have to feel like a failure after having given her child 2 years of nursing, she should be commended! when BF advocates invalidate any amount of nursing under a certain (arbitrary) amount, we do a disservice to mamas who have done their best with 3 months, 6 months, a year, or whatever of nursing. even LLL would say that more nursing is best, but any nursing at all is wonderful.

blessings to you sweet APMom98.
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Old 07-09-2004, 12:46 AM
 
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bunny's mama-Thanks for saying what I've been thinking...
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Old 07-09-2004, 10:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh hell. I had this wonderful response typed and it got dumped!

I need to try to get the kids to bed, I'll try to get back on tonight and respond again to all your wonderful responses. Some days, I HATE my computer!!!
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Old 07-09-2004, 11:04 PM
 
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I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who feels this way. I NEVER thought that I would tandum nurse, and when I got pregnant with dd I weaned my ds at 16 months and had always felt horrible about! When things went downhill with my ds five months after dd was born, I gave it a shot. That was about 2 months ago. Don't get me wrong, I did choose this and most of the time its ok, but there are many days when I have to keep ds from nursing too long.

I was beginning to think that these feelings were a sign to stop nursing ds completly... Now I don't think so... maybe I am somewhat normal :LOL

Thanks.
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Old 07-10-2004, 12:00 AM
 
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I've always thought that the ideal time to wean is when is not just when you are both ready, but when ONE of you is, and it sounds like you are. The negative feelings you have during nursing has to be felt by your child. You have done an amazing job! You have put your own feelings and needs away and done what is physically best for your children. Now it is time for you to do what you need to do to meet your needs.
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Old 07-10-2004, 10:35 AM
 
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I'll be the first to admit that I would go crazy if ds wanted to nurse for 20 minutes. He's been down to about 5 minutes on one side since about 3 months after birth (I'm a fire hydrant). Sometimes he'll just want to hang out, but I can't take it very long. When he gets restless and starts wiggling all over the place, off he goes because I just can't stand it. So no flames here - I understand how you feel (at least a little).

I may be going out on a limb here, but I think it's more of a behavior issue than a breastfeeding issue. Breastfeeding simply happens to be where the issue is raising it's head. She wants one thing, and you want another, and she knows it, so that's where the battle is. Maybe she is having a hard time adjusting to someone else taking up mommy's time. Maybe it's simply a power struggle over who is in charge - does she get her way all the time or is this one thing you cave on where you stand up to her pretty firmly on everything else? I have no idea what the rest of your situation is like, so I'm just stepping out in the dark here. But if I were you, I'd be analyzing the other parts of my relationship with her to see if I could find a clue. I really think the breastfeeding thing is a symptom of something else awry - she knows it really grinds you so she does it. I could be completely wrong, but that's where I'd start looking.

Tana, wife to Steve (5/02), mom to Ben (7/03), Joey (10/06) and Caroline (9/09)
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Old 07-10-2004, 04:13 PM
 
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APMom, My youngest is almost three and I completely understand your feelings, even though I am only nursing one child. I agree with those that said you need to find time for you. I know its very hard with two kids and dh in the military. My dh was in the military for the first few years of our marriage. I don't know how we did it. Now he works 70 hours a week and I am in school full time and I feel extra grumpy towards any "extra" demands on my time when I've been holding the fort down too long with no sleep.

I agree with the poster earlier who said that mammas need to be commended for any amount of nursing they have done. I had a very hard time emotionally nursing my kids and a good online friend of mine told me to quit nursing for a milestone and just nurse for the moment. Just promise myself to do it one day at a time. I was ready to wean at two weeks with my youngest and now he's almost three.

One thing I did when my kids were younger and I needed a breaks was to find a local place of worship with a good nursery and go to church. My boys loved it, but my dd hated it. It was so nice to know that I was going to get one hour of peace and quiet where I wasn't expected to do anything. There was even coffee hour afterwards where I could speak to actual adults about non-child related comments. I always felt revived afterwards. Library programs are also nice for toddlers, if s/he will settle down for it.

s You are a wonderful mama and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
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Old 07-10-2004, 05:11 PM
 
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ITA with what everyone else has said and wanted to chime in that it isn't only with toddlers...
ds1 is going on 9yo
ds2 is 16mo

I just started feeling a little normal about ds1 this past 2 weeks.
Before that EVERYTHING...and I mean EVERYTHING about him was bugging me. I had to force myself to hug him, to sit by him on the couch, anything.
I still feel horribly guilty about it all.
but it is getting better.

I think a lot of it, for me, is having ds2 touching me constantly and needing me constantly. I need room to breathe!
Not getting that room makes my already cruddy temper flare like you wouldn't believe.
I did notice that getting enough sleep and making sure I get lots of vit c and b's helps (I try to have at least 2 packets of Emergen-C each day).
AND ( jessemomme) Rescue Remedy spray has done wonders for us.


mom to three boys:  reading.gif(18 bigeyes.giffencing.gif(10&7)
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