Anything safe to help libido? - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-31-2003, 11:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My baby is 5.5 months old (will nurse exclusively until she is ready to wean...3+ years I expect). & I still have NO sex drive. My dr. gave me estrogen cream to ease the pain, but I still have **zero** desire. That is fine with me, but my dh is MISERABLE. I am willing to do it, but he doesn't want willing...he wants interested. Then he feels guilty for wanting to. It is really straining our relationship. I have talked to him about counselling & he's scared it will just make things worse.

Is there anything I can take that is completely safe while nursing that will stimulate my sex drive? For clarification, I would rather put dishes away or floss my teeth or...just about anything than have sex. I am absolutely not interested.

Thank you!

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Old 02-01-2003, 01:06 AM
 
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I totally hear you, I'm in the exact same place you are - 6 month old exclusively breastfed baby and I'd rather do anything than have sex! I have had the same conversation with my dh until I'm blue in the face. I can do willing but I can't do wanting.

I really hope someone else might have some answers, but until that time, maybe some once-a-week Oscar-quality acting?:

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Old 02-01-2003, 01:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe you're right about the acting...but then I fear/know his desire & enthusiasm will increase while mine remains absent. If he thinks I'm loving it, it might last an hour rather than 15 minutes. I'm not up for that. If it was up to me, it would last 5 seconds. (My dream...heehee).

Also, I would feel like I was lying to him. But maybe that's ok....

btw: if we had a ds he was going to be Evan

Best Wishes!
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Old 02-03-2003, 01:17 PM
 
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It is VERY COMMON for breastfeeding moms to have lower estrogen levels and low sex drive. VERY NORMAL and it even has health benefits. This natural season of rest from the reproductive hormones is associated with lower rates of reproductive cancers (breast, uterine, endometrial, cervical) in breastfeeding women.

By reducing your fertility (no it is NOT 100% birth control) these low hormone levels are mother nature's way of ensuring that your baby doesn't have to compete with a little brother/sister for resources too early.

Maybe someone else will comment on coping strategies but I just want you to know that this is normal and healthy.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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Old 02-03-2003, 06:01 PM
 
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I agree that it is completely normal. Hormones and exhaustion just take their toll on a mom.

Is there anything anything extra special he can do to help you get in the mood? A foot massage or back rub? More foreplay/snuggling/cuddling/smooching? Is there a time of day he'll be more likely to get lucky? (You might feel refreshed in the morning...or maybe nighttime is the righttime.)

I suggest:
-Copious amounts of artificial lubrication.
-Porn. (Though this isn't for everyone and I'm making NO CONFESSIONS HERE! lol)
-Doing it once a week to make him happy might lead to actually wanting to do it once a month. (There's a "the more you have it the more you want it" theory.)

You'd rather put dishes away or floss your teeth. Understandable. As long as you can't say you'd rather have your eyes dug out with a hot spoon or be run over by a truck, you're not a lost cause and probably don't require therapy.

There are also a lot of books for couples with suggestions...perhaps you could find one that suits you. If you know it's going to be something different each time, that might help.

Good luck.
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Old 02-03-2003, 06:18 PM
 
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I'm still nursing and we haven't had sex in almost 3 years. Yep, 3 years!!!!! I have zero sex drive, luckily he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He had a very low sex drive before I even got pregnant, so I guess I lucked out.

And I used to want sex 24/7 when I was in my 20's, I can remember thinking that if sex was this good now, I can't wait till I hit my peak at 35!

Lol.. I'm 35 now.. some peak!!!
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Old 02-03-2003, 06:29 PM
 
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I also have NO sex drive, but having no orgasms makes it no fun for me anyways. While we are on the sex topic, anyone know any safe for bf stuff to increase chances or orgasm? I think I have a bloodflow problem.
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Old 02-03-2003, 06:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Maybe you're right about the acting...but then I fear/know his desire & enthusiasm will increase while mine remains absent. If he thinks I'm loving it, it might last an hour rather than 15 minutes. I'm not up for that. If it was up to me, it would last 5 seconds. (My dream...heehee).
If mine lasted LONGER, it might actually be more fun LOL!!
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Old 02-03-2003, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by AmandasMom
I'm still nursing and we haven't had sex in almost 3 years. Yep, 3 years!!!!! I have zero sex drive, luckily he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He had a very low sex drive before I even got pregnant, so I guess I lucked out.
You may be the luckiest woman I know! My husband wants it 2 or more times/day. And gets depressed when we don't engage for 2+ days. Three years would kill him (or us).

He said last night that he definitely wants to go to therapy now. He knows logically that my lack of sex drive is related to estrogen, but he FEELS like I'm just waiting to leave him. He has serious trust issues stemming from his parents divorce (and the fact that they handled it very poorly).

Best wishes & Enjoy.

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Old 02-03-2003, 06:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Bladestar5
I also have NO sex drive, but having no orgasms makes it no fun for me anyways. While we are on the sex topic, anyone know any safe for bf stuff to increase chances or orgasm? I think I have a bloodflow problem.
I haven't had an orgasm since before I got pregnant. I'm sure I would be more interested in sex if I was having orgasms...but I don't really miss them either. I wish the whole issue would just go away so we could all be happy. I feel like my body is simply doing something else right now. And that's the way it should be!

Let me know if you find something that helps...it would be worth trying.

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Old 02-03-2003, 07:17 PM
 
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Things that are *almost* turn-ons for a very tired, tandem-nursing lactating woman with a 3-month-old and a high-need 2-year-old:
when dh takes the toddler so I can rest
when dh does the dishes
when dh cooks or takes me out to dinner
when dh cleans the bathroom
when dh offers to rub my back rather than complaining about how tired he is and begging me to rub his
when dh actually does the housework he says he'll do
when dh doesn't hit the ceiling if I want to buy a new shirt
when dh gets up with a very awake baby who wants to play at 4 am.

Get the idea?
You're swamped, you're stressed, you're exhausted, and your hormones are *trying* to keep you from having another one just yet.

Your sex drive will return. Watch out when it does! I really wanted sex at about 15 mo. postpartum. Even though I had been a willing but not otherwise thrilled partner before then (no, dh still doesn't get that the above list will work when all else fails), I only got to really enjoy sex once. Now, we have ds. Sigh.
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Old 02-03-2003, 08:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by angelsmama
You may be the luckiest woman I know! My husband wants it 2 or more times/day. And gets depressed when we don't engage for 2+ days. Three years would kill him (or us).
Wow, what a problem!!

I hope your therapist can help him with this one, because as we've all said it's totally natural, and indeed biologically inevitable, that we lose our sex drives when breastfeeding a baby.

Can I suggest finding a therapist who is or was a breastfeeding mom!! A man or a non-breastfeeding woman is just not going to understand....

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Old 02-03-2003, 10:14 PM
 
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Wow, I can't believe you're worried about it at 5.5 months. I guess I think that it's a given that you don't want sex at that point. I know there are exceptions, but they are just that: exceptions!



Anyway, I was just telling a friend today that the next time I have a child, I'm going to give myself a good year of no sex before I start to worry. My dd is 16 mo and I just regained interest a couple of months ago.
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Old 02-03-2003, 10:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally posted by Dodo
Wow, I can't believe you're worried about it at 5.5 months. I guess I think that it's a given that you don't want sex at that point. I know there are exceptions, but they are just that: exceptions!



Anyway, I was just telling a friend today that the next time I have a child, I'm going to give myself a good year of no sex before I start to worry. My dd is 16 mo and I just regained interest a couple of months ago.
Is he content to just wait (without being bitter or depressed)? Maybe your dh can talk to mine.

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Old 02-06-2003, 04:34 AM
 
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I'm in the same boat at 7 months, angelsmama. And to top it off, when I do give it a go, it just hurts, and I just can't pretend that it doesn't.

Luckily DH is content with me occasionally finding other ways to keep him happy. I am assuming that until DS stops nursing every 2 hours 'round the clock, I might be interested again. (And awake enough!)
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Old 02-06-2003, 04:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally posted by abigailvr
I'm in the same boat at 7 months, angelsmama. And to top it off, when I do give it a go, it just hurts, and I just can't pretend that it doesn't.
My dr. gave me a prescription for estrace cream, applied every other day. It has helped immensely with the pain. Didn't help libido, but at least now it isn't so physically miserable.

Best Wishes!
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Old 02-06-2003, 05:17 AM
 
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Oh! That's good to know, I'll look into it.
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Old 02-12-2003, 12:26 PM
 
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Also "Replens" is an over the counter moisturizer that has no hormones--it can really help alot with pain too. You use it every day or every couple of days--whatever seems to work for you. It just keeps all that area from getting thin and dried out.

I know now that the way my body operates is first, not wanting any, then after a year or so, doing it for my DH sake and then being glad I did it. It seems like once every 6 weeks or so, I am really in the mood myself. It takes getting my period back to really feel back to normal. Although since I've been nursing for more than 10 years now, I'm not sure what normal is!

I agree with the poster above who said getting DH to do more around the house can really help too.

Also, not to think as intercourse or orgasm as the only thing that is considered "having sex." And to realize that things ebb and flow and contrary to what popular culture puts out there, not everyone is having mind-blowing, fabulous sex all the time.
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Old 04-17-2003, 12:39 AM
 
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I'm now in my fourth year of having no sex drive. I nursed my first child, became pregnant again while nursing, nursed through the pregnancy and am now 10 months into nursing my second child. I have no sex drive and would prefer to do anything else. I was thinking it was just me.

My biggest problem is my DH is seriously unhappy about it. He worries about the future of our marriage and wants me to wean my baby at a year. The thought of weaning breaks me heart. But the thought of our marriage ending does as well. I wish there was a magic pill I could take while nursing to make my libido kick in.
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Old 04-17-2003, 02:06 PM
 
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This is a tough problem. Nature designed us to lose our sex drive to protect us from having our babies too close together. Fine and good for the mom and the baby. But what about Dad? Well, perhaps he is meant to be polygamous! I'm not kidding. But that is not officially allowed in our society. And probably most of us would not want our hubbies to go out and get a little extra on the side while we are nursing, exhausted and not feeling sexual.

We could say, the man can use self gratification of one kind or another while we are out of commission. One problem with this tho, as has been stated above, is: men seem to feel most loved thru sex. If they don't get any, they don't feel loved, they feel unimportant, unmanly, unloved. We would settle for cuddles, but it seems, many men can't.

No easy answers. I guess each couple will find their own way to work it out, hopefully short of divorce! Open communication is crucial.
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Old 04-17-2003, 03:22 PM
 
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acupuncture...low libido is a treated thing...5 element style sort of treats everything related to the symtom, TCM treats the symptom directly.
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Old 04-17-2003, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Megieblue
I was thinking it was just me.

He worries about the future of our marriage and wants me to wean my baby at a year. The thought of weaning breaks me heart. But the thought of our marriage ending does as well. I wish there was a magic pill I could take while nursing to make my libido kick in.
You certainly are NOT alone. My dh & I finally went to counselling as he was convinced our marriage was on the brink of disaster.

One thing that she suggested is for each person to sit down and write a list of all the things their spouce does/did that made them feel loved/special/warm & fuzzy. Then share the list with each other and really try to do at least one thing off the other person's list every day. Because chances are, your dh does just miss sex. He also misses feeling special, close, warm & fuzzy.

As for sex....we have tried to set 2 days a week when I will comply. I picked Wed. & Sat. My dh knows that on those days he gets to have sex. And it helps me because I know he won't try to every day. Also, has he read any aritcles about the hormonal changes in nursing women and the benefits of extended bf? If not, find some articles for him to read so he knows this is NATURAL.

If it is painful I would ask your dr. about estrogen cream. It made a HUGE difference for me. And then in addition LOTS of astroglide. I still have NO desire and it really is a chore to me (like cleaning the bathroom), but just like cleaning the bathroom...it needs to be done.

As for weaning for your dh's benefit. I know that if I weaned before my child was ready in order to be more sexually available to my husband I would regret it for the rest of my life and I would feel a great deal of anger, resentment and disgust toward my husband (and myself).

If he/you still need help feeling like your marriage can/will/should survive go see a counselor. I know it can be really expensive, but divorce is worse!

Best Wishes!!!!!!!
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Old 04-18-2003, 11:43 AM
 
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Wow. I am so glad I am not alone. My baby was born 3 1/2 months ago and we have a 3 year old too. I have ZERO sex drive. Dh is patient but I know it bugs him and it bugs me, too - it makes me feel abnormal...

I do think I will make an effort to set a night a week up for this - it may take some of the pressure off...
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Old 04-21-2003, 09:41 PM
 
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been there too---luckily i'm not so much of a dry desert now that dd2 is 26 months old.

having lubricant was a big help for us. i found some not-so-sticky kind that was much better than the sticky kind we were using before.

i'm so thankful for my husband---he never made an issue out of the "dry spell." thank goodness because that would have just made it worse.

the weird thing is that my dry spell lasted longer after the birth of dd1 than it did for dd2---and i was even tandem nursing after dd2s birth. maybe mental...maybe physical...but whatever the reason i did get back to "normal" sooner after dd2's birth than i did after dd1's birth.

megieblue, i really hope you don't wean your baby early.
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Old 04-22-2003, 11:53 PM
 
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I don't have any advice about the libido thing, lots of good suggestions here! Maybe little hints like, oh honey THANK YOU for doing the dishes and giving ds his bath, now I'm not so TIRED....hmmmm..... It's like training a dog, reward the good behavior! LOL Just kidding (sorta)!

My doctor recommended that Replens stuff and also the KY Liquid (NOT the jelly, too sticky!). The Replens is kind of expensive so I haven't been using it, but the KY is a big improvement. Knowing that pain is involved was somewhat of a turn off for me, to say the least!

When it comes down to it, I force myself to act like I'm in the mood just to keep things sane around here. Usually I end up getting into it, and if not, there's nothing wrong with the occasional performance in my opinion.

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Old 04-23-2003, 12:35 AM
 
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Dh and I had a conversation about this tonight. Same old story-he wants sex, I'm too tired, distracted, busy, or just plain don't want to. After dd was born it was a good 1 1/2 years before I really got my libido back. It helps to have your period back too.

Right now I'm 12mo post partum. I have been nursing for 4 1/2 years now, nursed while preg. I don't really remember what it's like to have my body to myself, no one pawing at me!

Right now it's to the point that I try to avoid dh because if I don't he will inevitably want sex. I'd just like to be able to give him a back rub or watch tv together with no strings attached. I think if we could resume the regular closeness we used to have that would get me back to my normal self. I need a connection from him, he usually just comes home from work and is ready , I'm like, "I was busy with the kids all day, nursing a teething cranky baby, negotiating with a four year old and picking up your stinky sox. I need to decompress!" I usually hope he falls asleep on the sofa then I sneak to bed. I know it sounds terrible We do have sex once a week or so, but not by my choice. I would also rather be flossing....

Hey, dh fell asleep! Dodged a bullet there!
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Old 04-23-2003, 12:12 PM
 
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Some great ideas here. What seemed to work the best for me and my DH was mutual masturbation (hope I don't offend anyone). That way, he was getting his and I was also getting a bit of much-needed (even if not really wanted) stimulation. And it had the added bonus of making me want to DTD more. (and it's quick)
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Old 08-07-2014, 12:55 PM
 
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4 years for me!

I am in the fourth year of no interest in sex and my marriage is on the brink of disaster, we've been in counseling for a year and divorce is officially on the table. I agree with the poster that I cannot bear weaning for this reason alone. My heart is broken at the idea of losing my marriage, but I also have not wanted to fake it and when I offered and tried, my spouse was horrified and felt deeply hurt that I had to force myself to be interested...I don't know what to do!!!!!!!! Wishing for miracles for all of us!
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