Horrible DH tells DS he has to stop nursing! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 03-09-2003, 10:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH takes care of DS (23 mos) on Sunday mornings while I work. When I got home this afternoon, DH said to DS, "Tell Mama about nursing. What did we decide?"

DS said, "Nursing stop."

And DH gave a look of pride. He explained to me that he had told DS that he was a big boy and big boys don't nurse.

I was aghast. All I could say was, "Shouldn't that be up to me and [DS]?"

Then Dh got all pissy and went off on a tirade. He said 2 is too old to be nursing; that if I'm going to wean DS I should just do it already; that I am more attached to nursing than DS is, etc. etc.

I was shocked and hurt. I do want to help DS gently wean over the next few months, but I didn't want it to be like this.

What kind of a father forbids his two-year-old son to nurse?

I think my husband is cruel and insane.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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#2 of 19 Old 03-09-2003, 10:17 PM
 
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Ouch I think that's terrible I'm sure your dh meant well (right??) but, seriously, ouch.

My dh brought up weaning to me the other day and I just shut him down. Our dd just turned 2 last week and has been nursing as much as a newborn over the past few weeks. She's been sick, getting molars, etc. Though it sometimes drives me crazy, especially in the middle of the night, I know we'd be in real trouble if she didn't have nursing to comfort her. I asked dh how he thought weaning would help things and he couldn't really answer.....I told him my idea of a good time was not dealing with a screaming, hysterical toddler just because he felt it was time to wean. He wasn't convinced but has let it go for now.

What is it with these guys??? :
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#3 of 19 Old 03-09-2003, 10:27 PM
 
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wow, that is rough. my dh was getting a little nervous about me nursing joe, he was almost four at the time. (he very recently weaned himself.) if he'd have suggested to joe that "nursing stop," joe woulda had a cow! so maybe your ds IS ready to wean. take it slowly, & if he asks & can't be diverted, nurse him. from age two on, joe only nursed to sleep & i could distract him @ other times.

but what your husband did was not cool, imho.

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#4 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 12:05 PM
 
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"What is it with these guys???"

i've decided it is only bc they want "their" boobies back and all to themselves. don't get me started. grrrr

i think my head would have exploded if dh had done that to me. i'm really sorry, that must have been awful.
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#5 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 12:14 PM
 
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It doesn't sound like your ds was terribly upset about it. Ask him how he feels about nursing. Maybe he is up for weaning now rather than later. I also think your husband should have some say in this. It is his child too. and if him and his child have decided it is time to think about weaning I think you should at least talk to him about it. He might have had some really good points. him and ds might have had a really good talk about it. But my putting him on the defensive he didn't have a chance to tell you all that.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#6 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 12:36 PM
 
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I'm with lilyka. Your dh needs to have an equal say in making parenting decisions if you want him to be involved with your ds. which doesn't mean you need to wean him right now, but "shutting him down" as other people recommeded will just cause problems with your husband. It's more important to your ds that you have a good relationship with his dad than he nurse forever.

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13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#7 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 12:47 PM
 
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But I can't see how going along with DH when he undermines your nursing relationship while you're away does anything to promote a healthy partnership. To me, whether DS is ready to wean is sort of beside the point. You do need to hear and discuss your husband's feelings, but what he did was aggressive and manipulative. i don't blame you for being furious.
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#8 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 01:22 PM
 
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What your DH did was manipulative and immature. If he wants DS to wean, he should not have discussed it with DS before discussing it with you, and he certainly shouldn't use DS as a pawn in some passive/aggressive game. All he did was alienate you and make DS feel like there's something wrong with nursing. I told my DH this story and he was horrified.

That said, once you've calmed down, have a sit down with DH and hear him out on the issue, and make sure you're heard as well. Maybe you can agree to a weaning schedule that works for you, DS and DH.

Good luck,

Mel
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#9 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 05:25 PM
 
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Assuming you love your dh and your marriage is fairly stable--

Men want to help. Men like to fix things. If you are getting a little tired of nursing (be honest, nursing a 2 yo is not always easy), and you have been complaining to him, perhpas he feels he has found the perfect solution to it all--wean! and a little toddler will go along with it, lip service only, i bet. I had a friend who wanted to wean her 3 yo and had her saying this, "Kate, what happens when you turn 4?" Kate: "No more nursing." Well, 4th yr birthday came and went and weaning did not happen right after the party, but later that year it did. But she was 4! and much more verbal/rational than a 2 yo would be.

I would suggest you stop complaining/venting to dh for now. come here to do it! or one of your LLL friends. If you don't have any, get some. then, when you can, change your complaints to dh to extolling the benefits of EBF.

this is assuming you have been complaining some. If he just wants "his" boobies back, well, he needs educated abt that too!
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#10 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 07:46 PM
 
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I agree that this was a very passive-agressive manipulative manuever on his part, extremely immature.

I think if DH had done this, if my wits were about me, my response would have been "oh, so, since you don't want him to nurse this means YOU will get up in the night when he needs a parent."

If he's going to steal a tool from the momma's toolbox, he gets to help do the jobs that that tool did. No more free ride at night!

When DS was little and I'd complain(that day the kid had bitten me!), I found that his response of "well, stop" only got my dander up and me more determined than before to go until DS was ready to wean.

"What will you do once you know?"
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#11 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 08:50 PM
 
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Goodness!! The first thing I thought of was saying, "And I've learned something too ... Sex Stop". I think that was entirely wrong for your DH to do. If he felt that strongly about it, he should have come to YOU, not dragged your son into the middle and possibly led him to confusion.
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#12 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 08:59 PM
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Quote:
I also think your husband should have some say in this. It is his child too
Some say, even equal say, but to do this on his own without first having a discussion about it with you, was rude and thoughtless.

He obviously didn't consider your feelings in the matter. You do realize nursing is about more than just the nunrusling. Mamas are attached to the nursing relaionship to ,and weaning needs to be done in a way the respects both participants feelings.

I am so sorry this happened to you mama
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#13 of 19 Old 03-10-2003, 10:03 PM
 
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I have a question inspired by this remark from Meiri:

Quote:
Originally posted by Meiri
my response would have been "oh, so, since you don't want him to nurse this means YOU will get up in the night when he needs a parent."

If he's going to steal a tool from the momma's toolbox, he gets to help do the jobs that that tool did. No more free ride at night!
Is it generally true that extended nursing means Mom is the only one on night duty? Because that's certainly true in my house, and it kind of bugs me!! DH argues that since DD only wants "na-na" in the night, there is no point in his losing sleep to try to comfort her. This is contrary to the "shared nighttime parenting" theory expounded by Sears, Pantley, et al...
Are those theories way out of touch with every EBFing mom's reality, or just with mine??
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#14 of 19 Old 03-11-2003, 12:34 AM
 
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Some men don't like to see any kind of dependent behavior, especially in their own sons. Maybe he's wanting to comfort your DS without feeling like nursing is the only thing that will make him happy. I'm not defending how he handled the situation, I think he bungled that one. But if you can get to a peaceful place, maybe the two of you can talk about what REALLY motivated him to take such a drastic measure without you.
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#15 of 19 Old 03-11-2003, 08:01 PM
 
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Babyslinger, I haven't read much Sears or any Pantley.

Neither has DH.

The reality in our house is that I do the night duty, such as it is now that DD is nearly 4, and have from the start. I got around that being too burdensome by sidecarring her crib to our bed.

Of course he will help if I were to need it and call out.

I've heard of families in which the dad will go get baby and bring him/her to the mom, might know One in which that happened in RL, but their son is 10 or so now...

Now that DD is sometimes trying to go to bed without nursing, DH is coming into his own, again, as story-teller and someone to fall asleep next to. I wait so that if she's going to succeed she can. Some nights I get to more her to her bed, other's I nurse her when she comes to me and then put her into her own bed.

Basically the way I look at the issue is this: if I am the one doing the job, I get to decide how it's done. I don't tell him how to do chemistry... I also don't tell him how to tuck DD in or play with the children. When he is doing child things he gets to do them his way too.

"What will you do once you know?"
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#16 of 19 Old 03-11-2003, 08:21 PM
 
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Dh is a nighttime parent with me. He brings me water, changes the baby's diaper, and gives him a bottle (we supplement bc of my breast reduction) around 4-5am so I can get some extra sleep. DH wakes with him at 6am and lets me sleep in until around 8 every morning. If ds is teething, DH walks the floors with him. If our older son has a nightmare, DH is right there. We all cosleep together.

DH telecommutes, but even if he worked out of the home (he used to) he says that parenting is a shared experience, and to not get up and be a nighttime parent is to miss out on a valuable part of parenting and to make an egregious assumption that MY lack of sleep is somehow "better" or "more acceptable".

Then again, if he worked a job where his sleep was a crucial issue (like truck driving, medical, etc) we might have a different philosophy. However, I still think he'd go as far as possible and stretch himself to be a nighttime parent.
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#17 of 19 Old 03-11-2003, 10:48 PM
 
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I sympathize with Starling about your situation. I think others have said everything so well- that he should have talked with you first, etc.

It's almost a relief to me to see this because I was feeling so alone with DP constantly pressuring me to wean. I'm just not ready. I've been thinking maybe when DS turns 2, but these "deadlines" have come and gone before, and I don't want it to be a deadline.

I think guys definitely want "their" boobies back, and personally, mostly I don't want him to touch them. I guess I should maybe nightwean DS as a compromise, but even that is hard for me. Besides, DS has been sick so much lately.

Anyway, just wanted to vent.
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#18 of 19 Old 03-12-2003, 12:45 AM
 
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'I sympathize with Starling about your situation. I think others have said everything so well- that he should have talked with you first, etc.'

agreed.

(btw, i am the nighttime parent here, but when dh has his weekends off and is getting up early, i sleep in babyless and get my coffee in bed... with two wakeys every other night, and sometimes all night, this seems fair to me. and i don't even have to ask what he'd think of this situation- he would be appalled, i love that 'tool from the toolbox' quote, gotta remember that!)

suse
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#19 of 19 Old 03-13-2003, 04:16 AM
 
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About the nighttime parenting, my DH is fully a nighttime parent here. We all cosleep together, and Parker alternates who he wants to cuddle with ... me for milk, and him for snores . DH has always been an incredible partner during the day and night with taking care of Parker. I know much of that is innate, but I've also gotten him to read much of the literature about APing and EBFing, so he's 100% behind me. (My trick is to, after he's gone to bed, remove all his reading material from the bathroom and replace it with what I want read ... never fails).
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