Am I just crazy? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 03-19-2005, 09:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My mood swings have been unbelievable this pregnancy and it seems the further along I go toward birth, the worse they get. Some days, like Tuesday, I'm in a good mood, elated and finding joy in all kinds of things, especially dd. Then there's days like to today, where nothing dh does is right, I feel overworked, underappreciated in all areas of life, and just generally want to crawl into bed, waiting for the next day.

I thought it was a lack of supplements, but I've faithfully taken all my prenatals and fish oil pills (even though I started these later on). I thought it was sleep (and sometimes I think it maybe in some cases), since I'm up at night with dd and still have to work part time. Maybe it's diet? Sometimes I eat a little later than I should, but by the end of the day I get everything I need. I thought it was dh -- he's not very good emotional support and is very intimacy resistant right now. He's just not comfortable with my pregnant body and as such all romance and intimacy went out the window with this dc's conception. While I know it's not me, it doesn't help my esteem much. Not to mention it creates this contradictory sensation of wanting him near and not wanting him anywhere near me because of his ambivalent attitude all at the same time.

I don't know. Tonite we have our regular role-playing nite and I'm really of a mind to ask that it be taken elsewhere. But then I'm afraid that if I do that, all that will happen is I wind up crying the night away alone. I'm really starting to worry that this will carry over postpartum.
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#2 of 12 Old 03-20-2005, 09:52 AM
 
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I'm sorry you're not feeling great these days. We usually have a weekly poker game at our house and I made the request at the beginning of Feb for it to be moved to someone elses house. I love to play, but I just felt like I didn't need the extra stress of getting the house clean for the party and then cleaning up the next day too. Plus having people in your house just means that you don't get to just lay around and relax like you want to.

I hope you get some real life hugs soon
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#3 of 12 Old 03-20-2005, 01:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by heket
I thought it was dh -- he's not very good emotional support and is very intimacy resistant right now. He's just not comfortable with my pregnant body and as such all romance and intimacy went out the window with this dc's conception. While I know it's not me, it doesn't help my esteem much. Not to mention it creates this contradictory sensation of wanting him near and not wanting him anywhere near me because of his ambivalent attitude all at the same time.
So sorry you're feeling this way! Sounds like dh might be the source of your problems. I understand how it can be hard not to have physical intimacy. I had a couple bleeding incidents early in this pregnancy, so dh and I have been scared away from sexual intimacy for months. We do make up for it with lots of tenderness/cuddling, though. Do you think it might help to tell him directly how you feel and what you need? Maybe he just doesn't get it and will snap out of it once he realizes how his distance affects you.

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Originally Posted by heket
I don't know. Tonite we have our regular role-playing nite and I'm really of a mind to ask that it be taken elsewhere. But then I'm afraid that if I do that, all that will happen is I wind up crying the night away alone. I'm really starting to worry that this will carry over postpartum.
Hoping last night went well for you and that you can get the support you need from dh!
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#4 of 12 Old 03-20-2005, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, ladies. I feel like the whiniest brat this pregnancy. I was blue with dd, but this feels so much more intense and no one IRL really understands what it's all like. Of all of my IRL friends, I'm the first to have children. I seem to keep posting things like this, and it probably horribly tiring to everyone who reads them.

I had the game moved, but mostly because it distracts dd from going to sleep -- which she desperately needed to do because of her short nap. We have this tiny, backyard cottage house and our bedroom is actually a loft. Kinda nice because we have a lot of room for our stuff, the bed, a co-sleeper, crib, books and dresser. But there's no bedroom door, so I can't physically cutoff the rest of the house, IYKWIM. So the conversational chatter from downstairs will keep her up. Since she's so social and thinks she's a role-player too (she has her own set of large dice :LOL ), she has a hard time trying to unwind while the game goes on.

Oh, and for what it's worth, I didn't the night away. But I didn't feel motivated to do much either. I wound up staying up very late watching a West Wing rerun.

Jules- yeah, dh isn't a big help. I have talked to him about it, and mostly he still just doesn't get it. I'd like to do some snuggling with kissing, but he just wanted to keep it all very platonic it seems. I've even noticed how in the last week all the affections associated with goodbyes has now dwindled to a formulaic kiss on the forehead and sidehug. We have a family bed with dd, and instead of it feeling like a family bed I get the notion that she's the excuse of not having to come over and cuddle with me. This happened when I was pregnant with her as well, only he'd lay as far away as possible from me then, saying it was all the pillows I needed.

It's only a few more weeks right?
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#5 of 12 Old 03-20-2005, 03:47 PM
 
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Hang in there Heket. I've been feeling the mood swings this pregnancy as well and I feel like I'm always worrying and whining to everyone about something. Right now I am suffering from a UTI I think and it is making me miserable. I just feel like crying all the time. Dh is getting better and intimacy isn't a problem but he hasn't been the emotional support I needed this pregnancy
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#6 of 12 Old 03-21-2005, 02:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by heket
Jules- yeah, dh isn't a big help. I have talked to him about it, and mostly he still just doesn't get it. I'd like to do some snuggling with kissing, but he just wanted to keep it all very platonic it seems. I've even noticed how in the last week all the affections associated with goodbyes has now dwindled to a formulaic kiss on the forehead and sidehug. We have a family bed with dd, and instead of it feeling like a family bed I get the notion that she's the excuse of not having to come over and cuddle with me. This happened when I was pregnant with her as well, only he'd lay as far away as possible from me then, saying it was all the pillows I needed.
You know, I just realized after reading about your dh that I initiate most of the contact between us now. I guess I just swoop in there and take what I need! Mostly hugs, cuddles and kisses these days. Snuggling in bed isn't as easy given my unwieldiness and need for pillows right now, but I guess I still feel close because he takes the time to talk to the baby. Sometimes I order him to do it. : Does your dh take imperious pregnant lady orders well? Even though I'm often the one prompting, it seems to maintain the closeness between us that I need right now.

Thinking of you, and hoping things improve!
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#7 of 12 Old 03-21-2005, 04:31 PM
 
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(((heket)))

I do think that this is a really tough time to maintain that emotional connection, especially when you have an older one. I've had to really start asking for what I want/need (nightly massage, a little time alone with him to talk about what worked and didn't work in our last labor and to come up with better ways to communicate then). He's receptive and for us it's just a matter of coming up with the time, but sometimes even just acknowledging that we'd both rather be alone when we're not is enough for me.

I wonder if you can find a place of humor to help you connect (a la playful parenting), whether it's about the awkwardness of being a very pregnant person or letting the house slip into oblivion at this stage. I do feel needier right now that normal, but that makes so much sense to me as just trying to gather up social support for the birth, but also feeling that inward pull into myself that makes it hard for me to always initiate contact.

a ramble from here, but just hoping that something helps. you can always require that he start practicing perineal massage and hope that that leads somewhere if you're looking for that kind of intimacy...

a

Angie, Mama to Finn (6/01) and Theo (4/05)
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#8 of 12 Old 03-22-2005, 02:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies! I'm really happy I posted here because the support you've lent has been very meaningful to me.

Everytime I summon the courage to explain (yet again) to dh about my emotional state, or any of my other friends, I always feel like there's some kind of 3rd eye coming out of my head. I know they want to help, but I think they fear my pregnant state and are in the general camp of "I'm sorry, but I don't know how to help you."

I will admit that I'm bad about asking for what I want. Sometimes I just wish dh could anticipate and act accordingly. Simple things like helping me pick up when he watches me constantly bending and cleaning up rather than waiting for me to ask him. Or taking out the trash without me asking 4 or more times in the week (which is one of his few household chores). I know it's not just me who sees these things -- others see it as well. We are night and day in personalities, and while I rationally know that I shouldn't expect a mind reading capability of him... well, as you can see in my emotional (an occasionaly irrational) states I still do.

I'll also admit that I'm very bad about writing when he does good things. I guess I'm one of those people who tends to focus on the bad and forgets to praise the good. I catch myself doing this often and I've been working to change it, but obviously it's still in progress.

I know he's feeling a lot of stress from his new job, having his own issues about not making enough for me to stay home with the kids, being torn in two by an emotional basket case of a pregnant wife and a high spirited and demanding toddler, besides the usual worries of bills and making ends meet. I've been supersensitive to his emotional shutdowns and he's never certain if I need to just cry or need actually support. Sometimes I can't tell him because I'm not certain myself.

I have looked around to see if there's any kind of support groups in my area for pregnant women with no luck. I WOHM part time and it seems to be on the exact days that the local LLL and Moms Clubs meet. I really need to get out and meet some mom friends, but it's been difficult. I think if I had some kind of group of moms to meet with, then it might make all of this much easier.
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#9 of 12 Old 03-22-2005, 01:37 PM
 
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I so know what you are going through especially earlier in my pregnancy when we had just moved to a new town and my dh was having his own emotional needs and major stresses and just didn't have the energy for mine. Things are better now but I am still feeling pretty isolated in this pregnancy and while my breakdowns are becoming less frequent, they still happen. I am trying to get to a good place before this birth and sometimes I'm there and sometimes I'm so far from it. Things will get better, hang in there your not alone!
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#10 of 12 Old 03-22-2005, 06:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by heket
I know he's feeling a lot of stress from his new job, having his own issues about not making enough for me to stay home with the kids, being torn in two by an emotional basket case of a pregnant wife and a high spirited and demanding toddler, besides the usual worries of bills and making ends meet. I've been supersensitive to his emotional shutdowns and he's never certain if I need to just cry or need actually support. Sometimes I can't tell him because I'm not certain myself.

I have looked around to see if there's any kind of support groups in my area for pregnant women with no luck. I WOHM part time and it seems to be on the exact days that the local LLL and Moms Clubs meet. I really need to get out and meet some mom friends, but it's been difficult. I think if I had some kind of group of moms to meet with, then it might make all of this much easier.
Yes, I guess dh has his own stresses and issues, too. Sometimes it helps if I check in with Joe (my husband) about the things that might be bothering him first. (Something like, "I know work sucks right now. Want to talk about it?" or "Anything I can do for you? How about a back rub?") Then he knows I care and am concerned. We talk about ways I might be helpful to him, or I just commiserate. There's a natural opening at that point to acknowledge all the great stuff he does for me/us despite stresses and to thank him for being the great guy he is.

After that, it seems more comfortable to transition into some things that concern me, too, especially if I'm asking him to change something or try something new.

I enjoy my local LLL and Attachment Parenting meetings, but truthfully it's easier to discuss the personal stuff online! We're here for you.
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#11 of 12 Old 03-22-2005, 06:55 PM
 
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Have you considered going to a therapist or maybe just scheduling some time with your doula to talk about how you are feeling?

I know this sounds like a really extreme suggestion but my doula (actually she is a chiropractor by profession) is somewhat of a specialist in the CB mind/body connection and I've started seeing her for CranioSacral therapy. It's really nice, she lightly touches different places on my head while we talk about emotional issues and I start to feel sort of numb and tingly but also sort of released, like hypnosis meets the aftermath of a good cry.

My dh has been wonderfull this pg but there is no way that any ammt of talking with him could bring me the same level of peace that my sessions with my doula/chiro have.
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#12 of 12 Old 03-24-2005, 06:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you considered going to a therapist or maybe just scheduling some time with your doula to talk about how you are feeling?
Actually, I have. But I think like jules said, it's easier to talk about all this online. I think it has to do with the anonimity of it all. (But then, how anonymous is it if I leave my name in the sig line, huh? :LOL ) Maybe I'll try and bring it up with my MW.
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