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Debstmomy 06-14-2005 06:05 PM

Update: Here is a link to her pictures

I will post my story in preg & birth loss later. Thanks for the well wishes. This is the most hardest thing to go through ever.

My friend posted the hard annoucement, but now I will share with you my experience.

On Thursday evening my family & I went walking a the local market night, trying to start labor. When I was walking I had a huge muscle spasm on the left side of my uterus. I did not think much of it. Later that night, Alexa was moving like crazy. We were watching & enjoying that so much! (I do not know if it has anything to do with what happened, but that was the only pain I had suffered.) The next morning I woke up with a cold, I even posted about that here. I called my midwife to see what I could take being at term. After about 1 1/2 hours of being awake, I noticed she had not moved. I went & laid down, to do a kick count. Nothing. I drank juice & ice water, nothing. So I called my midwife back, and told her I had not felt movement this morning, (it is now noon), and that I wanted to have a heart rate check. She was about 45 minutes away. She got to my home & we went into my bedroom. She looked for a heartbeat for about 10 minutes & I kept saying, Oh my God, I knew this was going to happen. (Not sure if any of you remember my post in our fears thread.) I told my midwife, I know she is gone, lets just go to the hospital. She was so diligent looking for a HB and wanted to keep trying. I told her I was ready to leave. Anyway, we called the hospital. They told us to come & go through the ER. My DH happened to be working at the hospital that day, and I had him go to the ER before we got there and ask what we were to do. The ER told him to have me go straight to L & D. We went to L & D & the nurses were pretty snotty. They asked who my Dr. is. I told them, I had been seeing a midwife & Dr. V. They said, Dr. V does not back up any midwife. I said that Dr. V is not her back up but that I had concurrent care. The nurses then said, you saw him early on & quit. I said no, I saw him until 37 weeks.

Anyway, they finally get me into a room. If anything is good about this horrible nightmare, Dr. V was the emergency on call OB. He came in very peacefully. That was so nice. The ultrasound machine was already in the room & he scanned my belly. I could see her spine, head, legs, but no movement. Nothing, just a still baby. They then had the ultrasound department come in and verify that my baby had died.

I did not even give them a chance to give me options. I knew I wanted a c-sec. (My mom had a late term still born & it was hell. After hearing that story all my life I knew what I wanted.) I knew that once I had this c-sec, any future children would be c-sec (which we are). My midwife then told me how hard physically my recovery would be, but I was ok with that.

It took about 2-3 hours to finally have the surgery. Waiting was hard, as I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted to hold her & look at her & love her & kiss her. She was born still at 6:15pm. My Dh was with me. He got to hold her right away. I held her in recovery. I did hours of skin to skin with her. She was so soft. She looked like she was sleeping. They finally got me into my room at 9:30pm where my family & friends were waiting. Actually, my kids came in first to hold her. They handled this so well. We bathed her as a family and dressed her. We took a foot mold. I dressed her in the knit soaker I had made for her. We had her for 7 hours after she was born. My mom baptized her during her bath. We just loved on her. She looks just like my other two kids did when they were born. Lots of dark hair, fair skin. She was smaller than my other two. She was 7lbs 6oz & 20 inches. They were 8lbs 7oz & 8lbs 10oz & 22 inches. She looked absolutly perfect.

I will alway have a hole in my heart for my Alexa. She had such a short life, but a very loved & nurtured life. We are planning her funeral. Going home from the hospital was very hard. Seeing all her beautiful things. I am trying to remember the positive pregnancy that I had. I have many unanswered questions, and I am not sure if they will ever get answered. Somehow though, I knew all along she was going to be born to die. It is wired, like she was talking to me and telling me all along.

I will end this now. I am glad I got to know all of you on the May 05 group. Love your babies & give them lots of extra hugs & Kisses from me, please.

Love Cristina

(I will add pictures soon)

TurboClaudia 06-14-2005 06:36 PM

i am a mama to a due-at-the-end-of-may-2004-baby who arrived in early june, and i've been following this forum through the spring as i remembered my own journey into motherhood last year.

sending you peace, love and healing, cristina, through this very sad time... please know that i am thinking of you and your family and your sweet alexa rose.


thismama 06-14-2005 06:40 PM

I am thinking of you and Alexa too. I'm glad you are home.

CathToria 06-14-2005 06:46 PM

thinking of you....

gingerlane 06-14-2005 06:52 PM

I wish there was something I could do or say to help you. Just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Rest and be well.

darkstar 06-14-2005 07:18 PM

Oh mama...I felt such a conection with you as we shared the end of our pregnancies. Please know that my thought of love and healing are with you and your family.


Debstmomy 06-14-2005 07:29 PM

Originally Posted by darkstar
Oh mama...I felt such a conection with you as we shared the end of our pregnancies.

Me Too! Thank you so much.

Eaglevoice 06-14-2005 07:32 PM

My family and I are praying for you, Cristina. Much love.

wende 06-14-2005 08:19 PM

Cristina, I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do or say to express how sad I am for you. Thank you for sharing your pregnancy with us, and thank you for sharing Alexa's story.

~Megan~ 06-14-2005 08:25 PM

I have no words.

Peace and prayers with you.

Mariposa 06-14-2005 08:31 PM

I don't know you, but thank you for sharing the story of Alexa. My prayers and love for you and your family and your sweet Alexa.

rainbowmoon 06-14-2005 08:35 PM

Alexa and many many to you and your family. I'm so sorry.

robugmum 06-14-2005 08:58 PM

Oh Cristina, thank you for sharing your story. I have been thinking of you so much over the past few days. I don't know what to say except I hope that you know you are surrounded by peace and prayers as you mourn your little Alexa.

broodymama 06-14-2005 09:32 PM

to you and your family.

Pepper 06-14-2005 10:53 PM

Cristina, I'm a June mama who was following all the May births...thank you for telling us about your precious Alexa who was so very loved and gently held while inside of you.

You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be so.

ryleeee 06-14-2005 10:58 PM

i'm extremely sorry to hear this. i'll pray for you and your family.

mightymoo 06-14-2005 11:00 PM

My heart goes out to you

heldt123 06-14-2005 11:07 PM

I wish I knew what to say. I am so sorry.

mtnsunshinemama 06-14-2005 11:13 PM

I am so sorry, how very devastating. All Blessings to you and your family!

annakiss 06-15-2005 12:13 AM

Oh mama... Thank you for sharing the story of your beautiful baby girl that we may honor her tragically short life. All my love...

peacenlove 06-15-2005 01:17 AM

Cristina I am so sorry, thank you for sharing your story.

schatz 06-15-2005 09:58 AM

Cristina - I can only imagine your sense of loss ... thank you for sharing your story. I find it so strange that you had a sense that Alexa was not meant to stay here long but mothers often know things before others. Take care and let your family and friends help you through this. We are here too.

kofduke 06-15-2005 10:22 AM

cristina, I'm so sorry.

CathToria 06-15-2005 10:40 AM

So sorry....

Velvet005 06-15-2005 12:32 PM

Christina - Thank you for sharing your story. I know you are going through difficult times right now. I wish I could find words to comfort and soothe your pain. May peace and love be with you and your family. Take extra care of yourself.

westernskies 06-15-2005 04:42 PM

Continuing to pray for you and your family. Thank you for sharing Alexa's story with us.

rainbowfairymomma 06-15-2005 11:12 PM

Oh Momma I can't even imagine what you are going through...
I am thinking and praying for you and your family... thank you for sharing your little girl with us...
please let me know if we can do anything

Raven 06-16-2005 12:45 PM

Cristina - my thoughts are still with you... I am glad you shared your dd with us. Peace, mama

JuniperMama 06-16-2005 01:11 PM

I can only imagine how hard this must be. I am so very deeply sorry. Sending you great healing energy and much love for your whole family.


rainbowmoon 06-16-2005 01:42 PM

thanks for sharing your pics of your precious Alexa. she was a beautiful baby mama.

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